NOTE: This is a fantasy intended for the entertainment of adults.
"I was home from college...and I saw her at one of the local bars," said Moe. "She was at least thirty -- maybe even forty. She had on real tight jeans and what looked from the back like one of those low-cut peasant blouses that were popular a while ago. Picking out a Chuck Berry song on the jukebox."
Sam chuckled. "You're leaving out the details!" he moaned as he looked to his friend in the passenger seat. "What did she look like? Was she good-looking, or old and wrinkly?"
Moe snorted. "I'm gettin' to that! Well, if you remember those kinds of blouses, you remember that you can practically see through them from every angle. I walked up behind her for a closer look. I could see a thick, thick bra strap with I don't know how many hooks."
Sam tapped his fingers on the rim of the steering wheel and shifted in his seat. "Yeah? How many hooks did it have?"
"I told you, I don't know. Looked like a lot."
Sam grinned. "Tell me more," he said, watching the road to make sure they didn't miss their turn-off.
"She was leaning over the jukebox, to maybe pick out another song. She grabbed her beer and had a sip. She was still bent over. I guess I must have got REAL close, because I wanted to see if that bra was as big and strong as I thought it was." Moe looked dreamily out the passenger seat's window. "And I guess I got closer to that big ass in those tight blue jeans than I thought I did. Next thing, she said 'It's an F cup.' I looked around to see if she was talking to me. 'Yeah, you,' she said, 'I feel you back there!' Well, then she reached back and grabbed for herself!"
"So what happened then?"
"Well, to make a long story short..." began Moe.
"Too late for that," snickered Sam.
"Hey! Leave the wise-ass comments to me, amateur!" said Moe. "We went to a motel. It was about a block away, and it had that kind of corny Swiss ski lodge look. I actually signed in as 'Mr and Mrs John Smith'. We screwed like seven or eight times in a row. Wouldn't you love to be that age again?"
Sam snickered. "But the tits! You gotta tell me about those F-cups!"
"Can you believe it?" laughed Moe. "I was so stupid I didn't touch 'em. I thought girls didn't like that. That it must be some thing guys only did 'cause they liked it. Finally, she shoved one in my mouth and waggled it back and forth!"
Getting a mental picture of what his friend was describing nearly send Sam's car off the road. "So you're telling me this story to tell me about your first time?" asked Sam.
"Shit, no," laughed Moe. "I'm telling it to you to say don't look down your nose at trailer-park trash. One of my best fucks was trailer-park trash. And she had some of the biggest titties, too!"
"I gotcha," said Sam. "I should have known when I first suggested we take a back-packing trip through West Virginia that you'd say fuck it."
"Right," said Moe. "Who needs to get that tired? Let's drive!"
"And when I talked about bringing a couple of tents for camping..." continued Sam.
Moe snorted out a laugh. "Yup, I said do you really want to make friends with grizzly bears? Let's stay in motels."
"And when I packed bottled spring water..." said Sam.
" I said don't drink water! Fish fuck in it," said Moe. "Bring beer."
"So if we're not taking in the beauty of nature, why take the trip?" smiled Sam, anticipating the answer.
Moe looked at Sam. "Dumb ass," he teased. "To get laid! To find some women with faces too made up, shirts too tight, and tits way too big, and fuck 'em!"
"Sounds good to me," said Sam. "Geez, I hope there's a motel somewhere. This is pretty much the middle of nowhere. A motel with two rooms, and a lounge where each of us can pick up his own trailer trash!"
"Faces ... shirts ... tits! Yeah!" agreed Moe.
"Why don't we stop at this gas station? They got one of those convenience stores attached," said Sam, turning the wheel. "We're gettin' low on gas ... and we could pick up some Fritos or something."
The station would have liked to have been a 7-11 store, but they can't really afford to pay franchise fees in West Virginia. So it was called "24/7". With a red and green sign, so city dwellers like Sam and Moe might mistake it for a 7-11.
"I'll pump," offered Moe. "That way you're stuck with paying for it!" he laughed. "You go in and grab something to eat."
Sam wandered in. Behind the counter sat a twentysomething guy that looked like every stereotype you've ever imagined about the backwoods. He wore a torn red plaid shirt and overalls that actually hooked over just one of his shoulders. Sam smiled. He thought those only existed on HEE HAW reruns. This guy looked like his picture would appear in the dictionary next to the word "hillbilly". He looked up from the skin mag he was paging through and acknowledged Sam's entrance into the store.
"Hey," said the hayseed clerk.
"Hey," answered Sam, trying his best to slip into the vernacular. Sam grabbed a bag of Fritos, a package of Ding Dongs, and two litres of Mountain Dew. Moe came in to pay for the gas. The two friends met at the cash register.
The hick in charge took an eternity to ring up their purchases.
Moe rolled his eyes at Sam and turned to the clerk. "New-fangled equipment givin' you trouble?" said Moe, using an exaggerated cornpone accent.
The clerk grinned, unaware that Moe was making fun of him. "No, it ain't that," drawled the young man. "I just din't wanna put my magazine down to wait on y'all." He gestured toward the girlie mag, blushing.
Moe leaned in and addressed the hick in a confidential tone. "I was ... uh, fixin' to ask y'all about that," he said. "You get any good lookin' fillies with big knockers comin' in here?" Sam blushed, but he had to admit -- he was wondering the same thing.
The clerk's eyes widened. "You ... you mean you guys know?"
Sam looked confused. "Kn-know what?" He and Moe exchanged a look. What could this hayseed be talking about?
"You know about ... the legend?" said the store man as he packed their things into a paper bag. "About Double Wide Park?"