Doggy-Style in the Pussy Cat (or Lick, Pussy! Lick! Lick!)
No one ever believes my story. But, hey! Who cares? I'm content to enjoy the memory myself.
'Twas my third year in Phi Beta Kappa, the days when Big Daddy ruled the House.
Big Daddy? He really doesn't need any description. It's suffice to say that he lived to perfect the fraternity stereotype.
He drank too much. Never opened a book. (Pornography excluded). And constantly obsessed over how to get into every girl's pants.
I must admit that he got laid pretty regularly. --No, not the hot chicks. It would probably be most accurate to describe Big Daddy as a bottom feeder. (And, admittedly, his "conquests" probably thought the same of him.)
Maybe I shouldn't dance around it. He was ugly, and they were ugly. But there were many they's, and you have to give him credit for that.
Plus, Big Daddy wasn't too shy about it.
"I haven't met a bad-looking boob," he'd often say.
His game-plan was pretty simple: Find the ugliest girl at the party--the one most likely hard up for a date. Get her drunk. And then get her to his room.
It was a rare weekend when Big Daddy didn't have a conquest to brag about. He especially loved sharing the dirty details to those of us who hadn't found love that night. He loved the big girls because, of course, they had the biggest breasts. "Size is everything," he preached daily.
Which is one of the many reasons we were shocked by Samantha.
A normal girl enamored with Big Daddy? A devout Christian? A serious academic?
Samantha had to have been the exact opposite. I still don't know why she ever bothered with Big Daddy.
Reserved, not bombastic. Intelligent, not myopic. Cultured, not ignorant. Refined, not slovenly. Rational, not passionate.
And, she had small breasts. And, she didn't drink. And--the biggest one of all--she wore a Promise Ring.
They apparently met in some class working on a group project. Overnight, Big Daddy began taking showers, combing his hair, and--much to our delight--ironing his shirts.
Heck, one night he even went to see an international film--something about Polish slums--just to impress the ever conscientious Samantha.
We couldn't have had more fun with all these shenanigans. Big Daddy actually trying to impress a girl (as opposed to him picking her up off the carpet and dragging her to his room).
He was a good sport about it, though. Except when we probed about bedroom activities.
"So did you get her to flush that Promise Ring down the toilet yet, Big Daddy?"
"Did you make her scream yet, Daddy-O?"
"You got a picture of those sweet little titties to share, man?"
You could tell by the redness on his face that he was flustered. He tried to joke it off, but it didn't work too well. "A fine wine should be enjoyed in time," he muttered once.
"Yeah--but you prefer cheap beer, Big Daddy!" someone mocked.
From my experience, those "opposite" relationships usually don't last long, and Big Daddy's ended that Halloween.
Of course Halloween had to fall on a Tuesday that year. I had quite a bit of class work, but I bit the bullet, worked through the entire afternoon, and had it done by 6 P.M. (Unlike Big Daddy, I actually wanted to graduate.)
I didn't have any particular plans for that night, but a fraternity boy doesn't really need a plan. There's always something happening or about to happen. So I just went down to the common room, turned on the TV, and waited.
Big Daddy huffed in a few minutes later.
"Dude! I need your help," he pleaded. "I...found a new friend, and--we have a test to study for. Can you do me a big favor?"
A test to study for? I new exactly what that meant.
"You and Sam finally getting it on, Big Daddy?" I razzed. "Sister Christian finally been conquered?
"Well...it does have to do with, Sam, man. Hey! Don't you think she's more your kind of girl than mine?"
He slurred that line. He had clearly been drinking. But what he said still caught me off guard.
"You see," Big Daddy continued. "Sam's awesome and all, but she's not really for me. I think I found someone this afternoon who's more...my kind of girl. I mean, my kind of girls. Could you just help me out?"
I had no idea what he was asking.
"OK," said Big Daddy. He was really distracted as he talked to me. "I want out. No more Sam. But we had a big date tonight going to the Phi Sigma Alpha costume party. She has this costume that her grandma made that she won't stop talking about. She's so damn excited! She's been talking about it for weeks. Some two-person costume. Means a lot to her. But...I've got other things to do. She gets here in an hour. Could you just go to the damn party with her? Tell her I'm sick. I promise that I'll break up with her tomorrow. I just need you to fill the gap tonight. I don't want to hurt her. You can't believe how much she wants to go to that party."
"Alright!" I said. "Sure, if Sam doesn't mind me instead of you. But what's your hurry? Why not call her yourself?"
"Sorry! No time, big man. I'll explain it all tomorrow." Big Daddy sounded quite relieved. "Remember: She really loves that costume. You have to help her out. Have a good time! I know you will!"
He turn and bustled out the door. I briefly wondered what the hell was going on with him, but I bet you could already figured it out yourself--didn't you? I did myself a few minutes later when I went out to the bathroom, just catching Big Daddy ambling up the steps with two chubby goth girls whose cleavage seemed to dip down to their waists.