The story of someone who constantly reflects on where she is now and where she's going. I'd come through a divorce and found I was a different person. I'm still finding what that person is.
I think I should add that there's a mixture of sexuality in this story and I wasn't sure which genre to post it in.
I've written privately in the past but I'm going to publish this. If I get too many unkind remarks then I won't bother again. Thanks everyone anyway.
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The hug was compassionate, almost loving, but totally needed at that particular moment.
The dam had broken, all the pent up emotion of the split from my husband David, the disruption to our business and him moving out, it all spilled over into the tears which were now flowing as I put my face in the crook of Linda's neck. Linda was a neighbour and had become a close friend over many years.
"Oh god I'm soaking your jumper," I sobbed, and lifted my head up to face her. My body was almost convulsing with emotion as I tried to compose myself. We were still clinging tightly to each other when she ran her fingers across my cheek to get rid of some of the tears.
The kiss came out of the blue.
If it had been on the cheek or the forehead I would have thought it was simply comforting. But it was full on the lips. It lasted no more than perhaps five or six seconds, however when Linda pulled back her eyes seemed to tell a different story.
"I'm sorry Louise, that was so wrong, please forgive me."
My mind was confused enough with everything else going on without me trying to compute this moment of intimacy.
My reply showed my confusion, however it had briefly stemmed the tears.
I shook my head slowly from side to side and muttered, "I'm not sure what happened there Linda, I'm totally fucked up."
We were still in a clinch and I'd not had any such intimacy for over six months. David and I hardly ever kissed except when we had sex in bed on some very rare occasion and that had been a long long time before.
Linda was now holding me at arms length and avoided looking at me directly.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Louise, I shouldn't have."
"What do you mean, shouldn't have?" I replied, "That kiss was..." I paused trying to find the right words, "was... a bit full on."
She didn't let go of me and I felt very awkward.
"It's just that I've watched what's been happening to you and David. I've known this break up was coming for a couple of years now, I've never said anything but it's really upset me."
I must have looked quite quizzical, I was wondering why my marriage had concerned her so much.
"You must think I'm mad, but I can't hold it in any longer." She looked really distressed.
My mind was racing, it seemed that I was about to hear how she either thought David was an absolute bastard, nothing new there, or how she knew some deep and dark secret about him.
She blurted out, "I think I'm in love with you!"
My mind froze, my body froze, I could hardly speak.
"What do you mean, you're in love with me?"
I was incredulous. She seemed so distraught having uttered those words.
Then she spoke quickly, it all poured out. "I mean I've had feelings for you for years. I've held them back because we were both married."
She took a breath, "I've had relationships with women ever since I was in my teens. Oh god it seems so terrible, you're going to hate me now."
My mind tried to replay. I'd got up that Wednesday morning knowing that my marriage was falling apart and coming to an end. I'd hardly expected that someone else would declare their love for me, let alone one of my best friends and a woman as well.
It was my turn to hug her and ironically the roles were reversed. I found myself clutching her tightly to me and whispering words of comfort like "Don't be silly, now come on, let's discuss this, I'm not going to be angry."
Gradually I became calmer. "Come on sit down, I'll make a cuppa."
Linda sat on a stool at the breakfast bar, where we were, in my kitchen. She'd come round when I phoned and told her about David leaving me. I busied myself getting the kettle filled and putting tea bags in the two mugs. When I looked over at her she looked a bit of a crumpled mess.
The tea poured and milk added, I placed the two mugs side by side and sat down on the stool next to her.
"Okay, so tell me are you a...." I hesitated, "a lesbian?"
It felt so odd just saying it like that and it made her giggle.
She looked up and with a half smile replied, "It's not like that, I'm not a lesbian, I like men as well as women, I love Jim, I always have."
"So how does it work, why are you saying you love me?"
"How long have you got?" she began. Taking a deep breath and sighing, she tried to explain.
"When I was a teenager I had a best friend, Lucy, and we spent absolutely every available hour together. One day we were messing about and we kissed. I won't go into the details but we started being really intimate. It went on until we both went to uni and then it fizzled out."
I didn't say anything, I just listened and sipped my tea. Linda was now opening up completely.
"Anyway I met Jim in my second year and we married just after we graduated, Then I got pregnant with Ruth. It was so tough but both our parents got us through. I think you know how happy I was... but... I've had secret affairs, not with guys but with women."
"How many?' I asked.
"Two, they didn't last long but they were really intense. It was while Jim was working away in Scotland, you remember?"
I nodded and then put my mug down.
"Sooooo? where do I fit in?"
Linda took hold of my hand and wrist, "I just think you're such an inspiration, getting your business up and running, not being able to have kids and then seeing you two drift apart... and apart from all that you sort of excite me whenever I see you."
I actually giggled and saw immediately that it was the wrong thing to do. Linda looked hurt.
There was a silence until I broke it.
" Linda I need time to think about lots of stuff. Me and David's business has got to keep going, he's gonna move in with his Charlotte and I'm gonna try to organise my life to suit me. There'll be a proper divorce and neither of us wants that to be a battle. I must admit this thing with you now has thrown me a bit but you mustn't worry, I'm not ruining our friendship over a little kiss."
Linda didn't look convinced, but said that she'd better go.
"Look Louise, I've gotta get back to Jim, I'll pop round in the morning and see if you're okay?"
I insisted that it wasn't necessary, I'd have lots to sort out and I would need space anyway.
We hugged and hesitated over our kisses on the cheek, recognising the awkwardness. When Linda had gone I let out an audible cry of, "OH FUCK!"
When I got to bed that night it felt strange. No David beside me, and the thought of Linda declaring her love. By way of distraction I reached into the drawer of the bedside table and took out my tiny vibrator from under a pile of tights.
I lay there fingering myself building a state of arousal. It was difficult at first, I kept thinking about David, then I thought of him fucking Charlotte in the days and weeks before I'd even guessed about his affair. And then I thought of Linda and how she'd been thinking about me over recent years.
Strangely that broke my emotional blockage and my pussy moistened enough to use the vibrator comfortably. I lay there, legs akimbo and my tiny silver bullet pressing down on my clit.
I came in a spectacular way, my hips bucking up and down and my orgasm going on and on. I heard my voice, as though it was someone else's, crying out in a series of gasping moans. When I'd finished I was breathing so fast, feeling so hot, it took a long time to recover with my thoughts in a total mess.
Thankfully I slept though most of the night, but I still awoke around six 'o clock. I got up, put on my fluffy dressing gown over my pair of baggy silk shorts that served as the bottoms of my pyjamas, and I went downstairs.
I'd left my phone on silent and on charge. There were several text messages waiting for me. I had to deal with David's first, they were about tradesmen working on two houses that we were renovating at that time. It took several return texts to sort out a problem and a final one to arrange for him to come over at the weekend to collect some of his stuff. I was muttering so many swear words under my breath as I typed the replies.
It was seven 'o clock when I got to the three text messages from Linda. They were a bit rambling and clearly she was confused about apologising to me and trying to reset our friendship. All I could do was to re-emphasise what I'd said the night before. By the time I'd worded my replies as carefully as I could it was gone half past seven and I needed breakfast.
With typical poor timing I was in the shower when Linda arrived. I heard the doorbell and had to yell out though the bathroom window to "hang on" while I dried myself and put something on. When I finally opened the door my hair was tied up in a turban and I was still damp under my bathrobe.
"Sorreeeee!" she declared, "I know I'm early but those texts, I got the impression we're okay and I wanted to make sure."
"Don't be silly, of course we are," I said as I invited her in and took her jacket.
"It's just that I knew I had a meltdown yesterday. It was you who needed support and I made it all about me!"
I led her into the kitchen and she sat on a stool while I put the coffee machine on. Above the noise of the grinding we smiled at each other waiting for it to quieten down. As it poured into the two cups we were both a bit embarrassed to broach the subject. I was first.
