Dic the Tv Guy

Yeah, I thought some of you didn't because many of you readers will be male and 99.823% of TV service people are male simply because females don't understand the simplicity of electronics. And not every guy is gay. The second reason why many call the TV repair guy and don't rip into him is men are less promiscuous than their female partners. Women become more moralistic when passing through their peak in sexuality that occurs somewhere between the age of twenty and forty-three-and-a-half, although there could be dispute about that.

What follows is a weak, unwholesome story about a TV guy who couldn't go about his work in a virtuous fashion because of all the fucking predatory women out there. Understandably, Dick finds his job stressful but in true tradition of fiction he gets on top and becomes a better person although not everything about his past has been left behind. – E.G.

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Dick Leggett's mom looked at her son, brow furrowed. "Is your job suiting you – you appear to be losing weight?"

"Well it has its ups and downs and some real disappointments but there can't be many jobs where you can get it off. Er I mean leave work early."

"No I guess not. I suppose you go to many homes where the only person in the house is a female?"

"Can't say I've noticed mom. I just arrive, climb up to the roof and check out the aerial."

"What's that?"

"Er the funny thing on the roof that's not a chimney and it not roof."

"Oh, one of those, why didn't you say? What's a dish?"

"Another kind of aerial, usually for satellite reception."

"Why don't they call it an aerial?"

"Because it's shaped like a dish."

"You're confusing me Dick."

"Goodbye mom. I'm off to work."

Dick didn't like to fuck clients before 10:00 so called on Mrs Hamilton first. She was old, at least forty-five, so wouldn't be after his body.

Wrong.

"Come down off the roof for coffee young man."

"Okay, I've finished up here. Everything looks okay."

"I'm sure it is," she smiled, dressed only in a dress.

Dick entered the house. Brenda Hamilton grabbed him by the hand and pulled him to the floor and said, "Let's do sex."

It was okay but she kept moaning he was too big for her and then she gushed, wetting all over the front of his trousers. Stupid bitch. She gave him a tip of fifty bucks saying she didn't expect he'd be interested in him, thinking she was an old woman.

"Aren't you?"

"The bitch slapped him but at least didn't demand her fifty bucks back. In fact she said, "I haven't had such good sex in years."

Two calls later a young kid opened the door and said come in. "Mom said you'd be calling. She's gone to work."

"Shouldn't you be at high school?"

"No, I've graduated. I'm eighteen and go to college in a fortnight."

"Gee, that's an experience that awaits you."

"Yes."

"Do you fuck?"

"Excuse me?"

"Er I'll go up on the roof and check the aerial."

"We don't have an aerial. We only have one of those ear things up high on the side of the house."

"Right, I'll check that. Make coffee will yah."

Bambi frowned and said she would appreciate him saying please.

"I never say please," he lied. "But I do say thanks after being given a good fuck."

Bambi looked at him oddly. He hoped that wasn't the look she adopted before she phoned the cops with a complaint about sexual harassment.

The dish was fractionally out so using the signal finder he altered the skew.

Dick entered the house and found no sign of the young woman. "Where are you?"

"On the sofa. You wanted a fuck so come and get it."

Dick hesitated. Perhaps she was gathering evidence to show cops semen when they arrived. Cops never came when you wanted them.

He went in resolving not to touch her but she was bent over the arm of the sofa, legs apart and pussy facing him, widening it with her fingers.

"Er what's your name Bambi?"

"Bambi will do. I know you are Mr Leggett. Well get a leg over Mr Leggett."

Dick didn't need a second invitation. Gawd she was tight.

"I've only been fucked twice, by boys. I welcome you stretching me a bit to prepare me for college."

"You should return to normal size but at least you'll know the feeling of a bigger cock and not to panic."

"Usually I have nothing more in there than a girlfriend's tongue."

Dick ejaculated for the first time."

"Gee that was sudden. Is it over?"

"No Bambi, let's get you off and I'll come when you do. You're on the pill I take it?"

"No."

"Jesus, I've just shot a load up you."

"Calm down Mr Leggett. I was just joking. Are you going to come back and fuck mom before dad comes home?"

"Er this experience is enough that you Bambi. I don't want to go home to my mom over-tired."

"What you fuck your mother?"

"No Bambi. I live with my mom. I meant I didn't want to go to sleep over the dinner table. Now I'll have to make you come by fingering."

"Oooh goodie. I will be able to judge if you are better at that than my girlfriends."

Half an hour later after checking out the TV set and adjusting controls, Dick yelled he was leaving, that he'd found the check on the kitchen bench.

"I'm in the bath," Bambi yelled. "Come in for another fuck before you leave."

"Bye Bambi," he yawned.

Two more straightforward service calls followed and then Dick arrived at the home of a thirty-six-year old violin teacher to find she wanted extra service.

"I want my small violin plucked," she giggled.

She wanted more than having it plucked and no way could it be called small.

Dick wearily arrived home and said he'd had a hard, hard day. His mom sent him off to shower and then said she'd serve his dinner in bed.

After dinner he told his mom to wake him at 10:00 in the morning and fell asleep. Dick had an awful nightmare, dreaming he couldn't find a woman who wanted her TV reception improved. They all wanted to be fucked, but not by him.

* * *

Next day Dick fucked his first three clients and was relieved the next four were virtuous women, or appeared to be. The next call involved the women only wanting cunnilingus and the last call the guy at home asked him in a husky voice was Dick promiscuous and when the reply was no the guy snarled, "Improve my reception and then fuck off."

"You look a little less exhausted this evening," his mom said. "Oh your Aunt Meg called and asked could you go over and fix her TV reception. She's done something to the controls and it's now ghosting. She said to stay for supper; she'd just made apple pie.

Well apply pie was tempting. Dick's mom had three ugly sisters plus the babe of the family who was rather sweet and very attractive with tits that seemed to talk to him. Yeah and if he touched babe his ex-Army Uncle Frank would probably castrate Dick before beating the shit out of him, or possibly Frank would do it the other way round.

Dick arrived to find Meg alone and wearing only panties.

"Come in. Frank is out playing poker and the kids are with Frank's parents. I've often seen you looking at my body so thought I'd give you the run of it tonight."

"Er what about the TV reception?"

"There's nothing wrong with it. Do you think I'd call Kate to say I wanted you over to fuck you?"

"Er I guess not. What about the apple pie?"

"There isn't any darling but I could feed you frozen berries and ice cream."

"I'm not keen to fuck you. Frank could hurt me if he found out."

"If he found out he'd kill you darling. But if I'm not going to tell him how would he find out... from your confession?"

"Er no. The truth is I've many times thought about fucking you, er, Meg."

She grinned and said, "So it's Meg now is it?" Opening her arms she said, "Come on, lick my tits. I hope you know how to fuck."

The twenty-four-year old lean blond flicked off his sunglasses, put them and his pickup keys on top of his toolbox, grinned and rolled his tongue over the most delectable tits in her entire extended family, or so he assumed.

Meg was streaming pussy juice by the time he'd had enough of foreplay and was ready to be shafted. He entered her and then pinched the nub of her clit that protruding from its hood and was the size of his fingertip. Meg screamed and flooded everywhere.

"That's enough," she sobbed.

"Shut up and get fucking," he snarled.

Her eyes bulged and she groaned, "Oh god, a real man with a real dick," and began bucking and clawing his back. That left Dick thinking Uncle Frank was perhaps one of those big guys with a little dick who could only get it off once every twenty-four hours.

Four hours later Dick left Meg in the bath, an exhausted wreck.

"Christ that's the first and last time I'll let you fucks me. I can scarcely walk."

"Aunt Meg, don't complain. You loved it. You said Frank plays poker once a month; set this up again when you need a good fuck."

"You little bastard," she snarled, but when he was leaving she shouted, "I'll call you."

* * *

One morning Dick received an emergency call from company dispatch to go to 12305 Melrose Drive. The house was palatial. No one came to the door when he arrived so he scowled thinking some emergency. He pressed the intercom.

"Hi, is that the TV guy?"

"Yeah."

"Don't you mean yes ma'am?"

"Yeah."

"Oh Christ, come up to the bathroom of the master bedroom suite on the second level.

The door buzzed and opened and as Dick stepped into the foyer the door closed behind him and he heard bolts lock.

Fuck locked in a house with a demented woman.

He walked into the bathroom without knocking. The youngish woman in the bath was resting back with her tits flopped to each side.

"Don't you knock?"

"Not when I'm told where to position myself."

"Position yourself?"

"I thought if I said where to come you might misinterpret and upset yourself."

The cold bitch actually grinned.

She pointed to the TV screen attached to the wall. "It's not going and I'm missing the fashion awards rerun."

Dick pushed in the aerial connection and the picture flashed on. The woman turned up the volume. "What was the problem?"

"Someone must have bumped the set pushing it back.

"My fucking husband."

Dick scratched under an armpit and said, "I find a lot of woman call their husband that."

"Well it's about the only thing most men are good for. The set is running perfectly. Fetch my handbag off the bed. It's probably under my panties and bustier."

"God do you wear one of those?"

"What panties?"

Dick grinned knowing she'd attempted a joke.

"Yes, I was out earlier. It gives me my best shape."

"I wish all women wore them with the top of their tits poking out."

"You mean breasts."

"Nah, I mean tits."

"In a funny way I find you quite refreshing."

"Are you lining me up to suck pussy?"

She smiled and said the idea had crossed her mind because she understood from her friends they all fucked the TV guy. "Go down to the kitchen and fetch me a white wine. Bring back what you'd like for yourself."

He returned with a bottle of white wine and two glasses.

She'd left the bath. He followed her damp footprints into the bedroom and found her on the bed on towels. Her hairy pussy was practically winking at him.

"These are not white wine glasses."

"Well they're all you're getting so don't beef."

"What else will I be getting?"

"Eight inches if you're lucky."

"Yes I would be lucky," she sniggered and he complimented her for being funny.

Dick sat on the bed and poured.

Mrs Devine trickled some wine over her pussy. "Lick it."

"No I'll do that later. Allow me to enjoy a glass of wine. You're a slut with bags of money so this brew is probably good stuff."

She showed no reaction at being called a slut. "It's probably the best wine you've ever tasted."

"Yeah, it's okay. A little thick, too much body."

"The body represents quality, the craft of the winemaker with grapes picked at perfection. You wouldn't be used to that because you'll be used to drinking crap."

"I'll concede it taste better than the crap I drink."

"Thank you. What do you think of my breasts?"

"There's too much hanging loose for a women of... what? Thirty-one?"

"God, thank you. I'm actually thirty-five rising thirty-six."

"We'll you want to get some of the fat pared off them."

"My husband would throw me out if I had breast reduction. He swings on them every night because his fetish is for heavy hangers."

"Well whatever makes you happy and safe. I'll lick pussy now if you're ready but don't waste good wine. Your pussy juice will turn it to vinegar."

"Well take your time and then give it to me up the butt. My husband doesn't do butt."

Dick didn't do butt either but thought she'd been so entertaining and hospitable he ought to reward her. The poor bitch was lonely. He guessed she'd pulled the aerial connection loose.

* * *

Arriving home Dick walked into the kitchen, smelling food and called "Hi mom," not seeing her.

She came up behind him. He saw stars and put a hand to his aching head and it came away covered in blood.

"Take that you little shit," she called. At least Dick thought it was his mom although she never spoke like that.

Dick sighted his mom through blurred vision. He sniveled, "What did you do that for you crazy bitch?" God it was time his dad was back home from seasonal work and gave her what she was missing.

Only by jumping three feet to his right did he escape being smashed across the face with a frying plan. He leapt back and disarmed his mom.

"Whatever's wrong with you?"

"It's you, you scum. I was out with Meg for lunch and we got drinking and we had rather too much wine. She told me a big secret, making me promise to tell no one. She told me you had sex with her the other evening, so much so she'd been sore all week."

"Yeah well what's wrong with that? She's only seven years my senior."

"Well for one thing you scumbag it's incest. But image what would happen if Frank found out. He'd kill her and then come after you."

"Oh shit."

"What?"

"Before passion over-ran me I thought of Frank coming after me but I didn't really think he'd harm his darling Meg."

Kate sighed and said, "Well at least that part of your thinking is on the right track. Are you ashamed of yourself?"

"Of course. No way do I want to put Meg in danger. I'll promise you I'll never fuck her again."

"Well that promise is accepted but please don't use that filthy language on me. Come over to the sink and let me stem that blood flow."

"Thanks. You could have killed me."

"I didn't intend going beyond fracturing your skull."

After Kate had bandaged her son's head guilt hit her and she hugged him and cooked his dinner. She had intended throwing him out of the house.

They talked for an hour about Dick reforming and finally he agreed to turn his back on having indiscriminate sex with women.

"Okay, I agree. But how will I get sex?"

"By finding girlfriends like all guys your age do. Most of course are engaged by your age and thinking of having grandchildren."

"You mean children."

"Well those children will be grandchildren to the couple's parents."

"If I'm to try to get a girlfriend I'll have to get another kind of job."

"Why, your job pays good money?"

"Because no girl will come near me knowing that all women want to fuck the TV guy."

"I didn't know that."

"Well you get it anyway because dad has always fixed our TV."

Kate laughed and said he had a dirty mind. "Well get a good replacement job and I'll find you a girlfriend."

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it. How's your head?"

"Either the headache pills or those four whiskies are working."

A month later Dick began his new job as manager of a TV repair shop. He'd convinced the owner the old guy working as manager scared away potential clients and knew nothing about electronics and motivating workers.

"How do you know all this?"

"My mom knows your wife and she told mom those things."

So the owner fired his older brother and appointed Dick as replacement manager. Dick knew nothing about management but had picked up things women clients had used to manage him.

Dick's mom was pleased and made a phone call and said her choice of a girlfriend for Dick would join them for dinner.

"Who is she?"

"Veronica White."

"Your pastor's daughter?"

"Yes, what's wrong with that?"

"Well for one thing I don't know her. I didn't go to school with her because the family only moved here eight months ago. Further, how can I expect a minister's daughter to have sex with me before marriage?"

"You woo her silly boy."

"Woo her... what's that?"

"You make yourself attractive enough to her so she wants to have sex with you... er I mean go out with you and behave well and she becomes your friend. I might as well tell you her parents are worried about her. Although they don't know you they said you must be nice because you are my son."

"I don't follow?"

"Never mind, it was an assumption that misfired."

There was a knock on the front door.

"Answer the door please Dick and remember our guest's name is Veronica."

"Hi Dick, how's the dick?"

Dick just gaped. He'd not expected to have to endure a prayer meeting on the doorstep but this was something beyond extreme expectation. He took in the pretty top of a bustier over juicy tits and a skirt that finished just below her hips bones. That reality clouted him with the thump of a frying pan. Holy shit.

"Cat's got your tongue has it shy boy?" she said, grabbing him by the shirtfront and kissing him full on the mouth, her French perfume driving Dick's dick into premature erection.

"Uh holy shit. Come in."

She giggled and reached down to feel what he had. "God, that will do. What does your mom feed you on?"

Dick had the horrible though he was suffering delayed concussion from the frying pan assault a month ago. This was not how it should be. This girl whatever her name was appeared to be the reincarnation of him.

"Mom!"

Kate came running. "What is it?"

"This woman...?"

"Oh hi Veronica. Has your dad thrown you out of church yet?"

"Yeah, after the service on Sunday. He said my dress was too short at both ends, my loud singing with a rock beat was putting parishioners off singing in familiar monotony and I dropped the collection bag again. I was on my last warning so that was it."

Dick shaking his head asked, "Are you really the daughter of a clergyman?"

"I told you Veronica is the daughter of Pastor and Mrs White."

"What happened to the family genes?"

Kate worried, "Whatever are you talking about? Are you all right Dick?"

"It's me Mrs Leggett. He's thinking I must to a throwback to some satanic forebears."

"Oh goodness, I don't think Dick has the sophistication to think like that. Um, would you like a scarf to put over the top of your dress – it is riding rather low?"

'It's fine and that's where my dress top usually lies unless I jigger too much laughing and my boobs pop out."

Kate was left thinking it appeared Veronica was quite the wrong type of young woman for her reforming son.

At the table Dick's erection stayed up all through dinner. Of course Kate had kicked off her shoes and was massaging his unexposed dick with her feet. Kate wasn't aware Veronica was otherwise occupied, thinking she was rather rude not jumping up to help clear between courses and fetch in new dishes. But at least Veronica was lively and kept up an interesting patter, particularly going on about how promiscuous men were. Kate said she couldn't agree more and maintained it was a crime against virtue. Veronica asked what was virtue and only then did Kate appreciate the poor child really had no concept of the word.

After the table was cleared Kate thought she ought to give the young couple some chance to woo so said she was off to bed. Kate hadn't even finished closing the door behind her before Veronica was up kneeling on the arms of Dick's lounge chair and pushing her bared pussy into his face. He tensed ready to spit hair but there was none; she was as devoid of hair as he was on the top of his nose that Veronica was now using to exercise the nub of her clit.