Diary of a Wor Crush

Diary of a Work Crush

Part I

15 August 2023

Shift starting soon—the idea that I'll walk in there and won't see Adam is disheartening. I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude. I've been listening to upbeat music, making sure I'm properly caffeinated (and hydrated!) but I have this strange sense of...dread, I guess? The place won't have the same energy without him there. Eight hours without crossing paths with him, eight hours without that strange feeling of surprise that accompanies seeing him outside of my dreams.

A few nights ago I dreamt that he and I were naked, outside in the sunlight, on a blanket in the grass. His mouth was devouring my neck as his finger adroitly worked its way in and out of my pussy. My dream self was enjoying every moment of the encounter-- unabashedly moaning with my eyes closed, hungering for him to bring me to climax.

I awoke in the darkness, panting and wet. I glanced at Donovan to make sure I hadn't disturbed him (for it was impossible for me to tell if this dream had caused me to make noises in my sleep); he was snoring.

At work, I told Adam I'd had another dream about him and he asked if it was "nice or saucy." I replied: "It was...I think everyone had a good time." I don't know if I would've been more forthcoming with details if I'd had the opportunity. He and I are always surrounded by people-- co-workers, customers—our brief conversations are limited to flirty quips or blunt truths spoken quickly and quietly before someone approaches to talk to him. They almost always want to talk to him, and it's almost always another female.

My fantasies about him continue to flip-flop between what one might call power dynamics, but I don't think they're severe enough to be labeled as BDSM reveries. Perhaps my imagination's scenes could be categorized as "vanilla with a little spice?" I enjoy thoughts like instructing him to sit with his hands clasped behind him while I explore his unclothed body almost as much as I enjoy thoughts of him grabbing me by the throat and commanding me to suck his cock.

Sigh

. Ok. Day One of... I don't know, Fifteen? I don't know his schedule. He's back at the end of the month but sometimes our schedules don't align so I can't know when our paths will cross again. It doesn't matter. Here we go.

17 August 2023

I have to remind myself that I asked for this. I don't recall precisely when, but I remember wishing I could find someone to have a crush on. It's always been such a strange aspect of myself I've never understood— I relish the feeling of longing, I adore desire eating at me, I revel in portions of my thoughts being consumed with one specific person.

When I have a crush on someone I feel I'm more awake, more alive, more energetic, and more adept at taking care of myself. I can easily remember that feeling with Donovan—shakily I confessed I had a little crush on him and he replied that he would have to work harder to make it more than "little."

Days later he put his hand on my back in passing and that spot burned for hours afterward; years later he's listed as my emergency contact. It's surreal to me.

The bliss and the agony I'm aware of as I drive to work is that, other than the bathroom, I've had interactions with Adam

everywhere

at work. If I perform this task, I remember when he taught me how to do that. This spot right here is where he told me he had had dreams about me too. When he and I were walking from this location to this other spot, he told me his birth date. He was standing

here

when he told me his favorite color and scent is lavender. On August 14 he waved through

that

window, and it seemed there wasn't enough air in the room as I waved back with the rest of the team members who were still working, knowing that was the last time I'd see him til at least September.

I'm aware of how immature and dramatic of me it is that I felt somewhat betrayed he didn't make any efforts to figure out a way to hug me goodbye.

A lot can happen in two weeks. Who will he be when he gets back? Who will I be?

20 August 2023

I've been lucky enough to have a few days off from work. As usual, Donovan adjusted his schedule so he could spend time with me. Last night we had sex. As he was pulling his shirt off, I pushed him against the bedroom wall, pinning his wrists. This was obviously not me truly overpowering him, but rather him allowing himself to be positioned in such a manner. I got on my knees and pulled his boxers down to his ankles, licking and sucking his cock, occasionally using my hand, allowing myself to deep throat and gag a few times.

While I tried to be present and focus on the "job," my mind wandered to Adam. What is his cock like? When he's hard is it straight, or does it curve in any way? Is he circumcised or not? Does he trim his pubic hair? How would he react to the occasional slap on the thigh or nipple pinch? Is he the kind of guy that has to touch his partner's hair while she's blowing him? What sort of noises might he make?

Later, after the sex, Donovan told me how hot the blow job was. I felt somewhat guilty that Adam had fluttered into my mind while I was pleasing my partner, but I didn't share this information with Donovan.

Of course Donovan is aware I have a crush on Adam. Last week during sex he told me a dirty story about what it might be like if Adam joined us—did I think Adam was worthy of fucking me, or would Donovan fuck me while I sucked Adam's cock? Or would Donovan just watch me get fucked? Or would Donovan be sitting in a chair in the corner with a glass of whisky watching me fuck Adam? So many scenarios! I'm grateful to have a partner who's open to talking about these things.

I occasionally worry that Donovan feels as though he "owes" me for all the threesomes we've had when another girl joined us, but I honestly don't care, I'm not looking for him to balance the scales. Lately I'm so tired I feel accomplished when Donovan and I have our standard 30-45 minute sex session or the once a week I find 5 minutes while I'm getting ready for work to masturbate.

What

would

happen if Adam joined Donovan and me? Most days I feel as though I might ask one of them to stroke my back while the other one read to me until I fell asleep, rather than seeing who could fit in what hole.

So odd, vacillating between a paradoxical barely-able-to-breathe desire and utter disinterest due to exhaustion. I often wonder how all these thoughts can exist in the same brain. No person is one thing, we're all multi-faceted unique snowflakes, but a grey, calm consistency would be nice some days.

24 August 2023

Shift starts at 2:30. On Monday and Tuesday, a few co-workers asked me what was wrong. I suppose my energy level wasn't what it typically is. I felt tired, but not just physically tired, I felt as though I were going through the motions, moving from task to task and hour to hour, waiting for my shift to be over, waiting to get out and get home.

The energy is different for me when Adam is there. I can go through the motions and there's a possibility our paths might cross-- I'm more alert, I'm eager to see if perhaps some sort of special moment could transpire between us—him saying something evocative or learning some new information about him; or even merely stealing the opportunity to watch him as he talks to someone else. He's caught me staring at him on several occasions, and a few weeks ago I stopped looking away; which typically results in him merely staring back in a sort of neutral way, which for some reason makes me smile and giggle.

I've been forthcoming-- I know he knows I enjoy looking at him, but I don't know what he's thinking. The situation is delicate, seeing as how he's my superior, so I get that he's yoked to certain principles and I'm in a position in which I can "get away with" more.

If I say hello to him and ask how he is, he typically answers "Better now that you're here," but how can I know if this is a comment specifically for me, or if he responds to everyone who works there similarly? Everyone there has a certain joviality about them, all of us have witty remarks or silly comments or little jokes we use over and over to get us through the day, I find myself trying not to hope I'm special.

Even on days I don't see Adam, if his shift ends at 2 and mine doesn't start till 3, there's an excitement I feel in knowing I'm walking in places he walked recently, touching things he may have touched earlier in the day.

But today, he's an ocean away. There's nothing I can touch today that he may have touched earlier, no place I can stand where he may have stood today.

Yesterday I took a break from re-organizing some things at home to hold my vibrator to my clit and think about him. I pictured myself naked, seated on a counter, leaning back, him holding my hair at the roots to prevent me from kissing him with his left hand while the digits of his right hand worked my pussy.

I imagined his voice speaking softly, commenting on how wet I was, chuckling somewhat at how eager I seemed, a slight jerk occurring as I tried to lean forward to kiss him and he held me at bay.

This fantasy version of Adam told me

Not yet. I'm going to make you come, and then you can kiss me. I want to feel the muscles inside you pulse around my fingers, then you can kiss me, and then I'm going to fuck you til you make me come.

I looked down, picturing his middle finger moving in and out of me, my juices eking onto his upturned palm as he pressed against my g-spot, his wrist twisting back and forth as he pushed his pointer finger inside me to join the middle finger.

Take your time, I'm loving watching you squirm. I want you to come and say my name. You're not getting a kiss until you come and say my name.

I came hard, saying his name, and turned off the vibrator while I caught my breath.

25 August 2023

Adam told me once that he could feel when I was around. When I asked him to elaborate, he said he couldn't, he'd never experienced anything like it before, he just

felt

when I was around.

I wanted to reply that he typically arrived before me and could look at the daily schedule, so what he may be "feeling" is merely the logic of me arriving for my shift on time, but it seemed to me almost as though he was confessing something that he felt somewhat ashamed of, or perhaps he didn't understand enough about it to explain further, so I think I said "That's interesting, I wonder what that's about," and we held each other's gaze for a few moments until something interrupted us. Of course something interrupted us.

I've never experienced anything like what he was describing—another being's presence has never resonated with me in some inexplicable internal way before my eyes see them.

During a lull at work yesterday I couldn't help but press my lower belly against a counter and imagine Adam behind me. I flattened my hands on the stainless steel and imagined how cold it would feel against my unclothed body—my cheek, my tits, my stomach. I thought about how his hard cock would feel pressing on the backs of my thighs, the heat and hardness of it sliding against my slick pussy lips, wondering if he would grab my hips or my shoulders as he thrust himself balls deep inside me.

Or would he tease me? Hold me down, pinned against the chilly silver, rub his hard cock along my ass cheeks, graze my inner thighs, but not enter me, pulling away, and then maybe jerking off onto my lower back, almost like that scene in the movie

Secretary?

I found myself quivering and flushed with these musings and, concerned that I'd have to spend the rest of my shift with sticky panties, tried to think myself out of these thoughts by asking myself as to why

-- Why

do I have a crush on Adam? What do I want from him?

First of all, he's my type. Tall, dark, handsome, glasses, somewhat nerdy, fit, intelligent, decent sense of humor, seemingly positive, apparently open-minded.

When he's not working he hikes, travels, and hosts a karaoke night every other week at a bar where his girlfriend is one of the bartenders.

In my time off I hole up in the house and read, write, clean, or prep for my next event (I'm reading runes at a fair in September and performing burlesque at a show in October).

Adam would probably wince at me pontificating about poets or witchcraft just as I would wither at the proposition that the two of us go on a picnic or kayaking, so with what appears to be little common ground, can I surmise that I don't really like

him

, I'm only sexually attracted to him?

I asked myself:

Is there something I'm looking for that I'm not getting with Donovan?

And from the bottom of my soul, I don't think there is. After nearly 10 years, of course the sex doesn't have the same voraciousness it did when the two of us first got together, and my fantasies which include Donovan tend to be based in the experiences I've had with him. No, we've never had a third person who also had a penis join us, but I can imagine that scenario easily because Donovan has talked about it and would be open to it; but finding the "right guy" hasn't been easy. Not that we've been actively seeking.

Seeking

these kind of things has never really seemed to work, it's just sort of a thing that one has to be open to. Open

for

?

Regardless, I don't think I want more from a relationship than what Donovan and I have. So what is a crush for me? Is the allure not knowing what I'll get? Not knowing what I can get away with?

The only occasions of physical contact between Adam and me has been a high five, that time when he commented that my hands were small and I pressed my palm to his to compare, and two hugs—once when he came back from his other trip earlier this summer, and once on August 7, as he was leaving and I was arriving.

He set his bag down to hug me and made some comment about the two of us going to make out in his car before my shift started. I paused, my eyes narrowed, curious as to what my breath might be like since I'd eaten some trail mix on the drive over. I didn't even get to the next thought which most likely would've been:

Should I?

before he said: "No, we can't, we can't," to which I replied: "Tease" and turned to walk away, forcing myself to not look back.

Maybe I like the flirting. Donovan leaves in the morning when I'm bedraggled and groggy, then I see him when I come home close to midnight, most of our conversations revolving around

What-are-you-doing?

and

How-was-your-day?

Perhaps I like escaping into my imagination, daydreaming, conceiving of this person in this compartmentalized way. Maybe it's irresponsible and immature, allowing myself to fantasize about this person instead of plotting more productive life goals or something.

In all sincerity, I don't think I want anything specific from Adam, I mean, other than for him to tolerate me ogling him. Though he's never outright told me, I get the sense that his relationship with his girlfriend is monogamous, and I'm not interested in tempting him to cheat.

To break the desire of this crush (as it pertains to me) down in the simplest, most basic terms: I wish to look at him when I'm given the chance to do so, interact with him when I can, and continue to think these (dirty) thoughts until they no longer please me.

Is it possible for me to enjoy this as simply a crush, and not be concerned as to what might happen, to

not

pounce on the opportunity to allow something happen? If Adam and I were alone together, would I try to kiss him, or would I merely enjoy having him alone for 5 minutes and want to talk--

What's your favorite ice cream flavor? What's your favorite movie? Tell me about a book that changed your life. What's the best advice you've ever been given? If you could have drinks and dinner with anyone in the history of the world, alive or dead, who would it be?

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

26 August 2023

It has occurred to me that I could've never said anything.

I met Adam at my interview in May, our schedules didn't align for most of June, and I had a few dreams about him. When I did see him again I had that heat-on-the-skin feeling whenever he was near, like there was electricity inside me trying to get out, but feeling that doesn't

obligate

me to say anything.

Adam asked why I always looked surprised when I saw him. Why did I have to tell him the truth? Why didn't it occur to me to say something simple like: "That's just the way my face looks?" The truth was (and perhaps still is) that I'd had dreams about him, so to see him in reality was genuinely surprising. He asked if I could keep a secret and when I replied I could, he told me he'd had dreams about me too.

I suppose it could be argued that

he

could've kept

that

to himself as well.

It's not a mess, it's not a situation, it's not an issue. I have thoughts and feelings and I guess...he does too? Neither one of us are obligated to do anything with those thoughts and/or feelings, and it does seem he's in a position in which he

can't

do anything with those thoughts and/or feelings.

How lucky am I that I

could've

made out with Adam in my car (or his car) before the start of my shift on August 7 and Donovan would've been fine with hearing about it when I got home? Or maybe he would've wanted a text first. Regardless, I told Donovan about Adam's hollow offer that day, and he made some comment like Adam seems like a dog straining against his chain.

Is he? Or is this all just mature, empty flirting between two adults in committed relationships, and in Adam's absence my mind is naturally taking stock of all that's transpired before because he's not around to provide new experiences?

And I'm aware of the possibility that I'm not special. Perhaps some other female employee is writing a similar journal about Adam, recalling similar conversations and interactions with him. Maybe I've interrupted her when she's trying to talk to him. She may be missing him when she's at work as well, wondering if she's said too much to him about her feelings or thoughts.

28 August 2023

At some point while mired in some mundane task at work I had this thought:

What if Adam's girlfriend was into it?

So far my interactions with Adam seem to indicate that he's in a monogamous relationship, but what if I'm misinterpreting something or making assumptions? Some people in monogamous relationships can get adventurous for special occasions or sometimes they allow a hall pass.

Regardless of reality, I'm allowed to have my thoughts, my fantasies. My mind immediately began to concoct a new fantasy to chew on:

I attend the karaoke night Adam hosts at the bar where his girlfriend works, Donovan doesn't come with me because he's busy. While serving me my second drink, Adam's girlfriend would say something to me like: "So, I've seen you talking to Adam, you seem really comfortable with him," to which I'd reply: "Yeah, he's a great guy, you're a lucky girl," and she might come back with something akin to: "You like him, don't you?" And there would be a moment between us in which I would have to gauge why she was asking— am I about to get an earful about how I'd better stay away from her man, or am I seeing a gleam in her eye inviting me to confess my inappropriate desires? It's my fantasy, so of course I go with the statement that's going to move things in the direction I want—"Yeah, I like him, if I were single and he were single, he'd be in trouble."

She tells me she has a proposition for me. After karaoke is over, I'm to act like I'm leaving, say goodbye to everyone, and come back through a side door. There I'll wait in the managers' office until everyone is gone, and she's closing the bar down with him waiting for her to finish.