I'm autistic. Not the kind most people notice. I'm social, functional, even funny--but I've got that deep, obsessive tunnel vision that never lets up. When I want something, I want it bad. And when I feel, it swallows me whole--and then chews me up and spits me out most of the time. See what I mean by that fate thing?
I figured out I'm demisexual recently, which makes my taste in men absolutely hilarious. Still waiting on the diagnosis to explain that one. I'm drawn to frat boys, hockey players, and Canadian guys--the ones who smell like whiskey and trouble (the more trouble, the better). The ones who'd break me into a million pieces if I don't stay two steps ahead. Not that I ever do. They catch me with a crooked smile, a flannel shirt, and a low voice saying something stupid like "you cold?"--and I fold faster than cheap lawn furniture.
I've had three boyfriends. Almost had sex more times than I care to count. Always close. Never quite there. I've spent too many late nights going shot-for-shot with some blue-eyed dream in a backwards cap, only to find myself trapped under him while he snores into my big curly hair. It's happened so much I actually started doing deadlifts so I don't get stuck. I lift weights now because men keep passing out on me. If that's not girlhood, I don't know what is.
One time, I was halfway out of my dress before he passed out. I stuffed my bra in my purse, my shoes in my hand, and did the walk of shame--barefoot--with nothing to show for it but a hangover and a regret kink. And let me tell you, there is nothing more character-building than walking down the street at 5AM in yesterday's makeup with no panties on and absolutely no serotonin in sight.
My first boyfriend? He was long-distance. He broke me in the quietest, most beautifully painful way. I think I've been chasing the version of him that's taken up residence in my head ever since--some emotional ghost I can't let go of. And every time I get close with someone new, I freeze. I remember how it felt when someone made me believe they saw me--then stopped looking. It's like I'm bracing for the moment they blink and forget I was ever there.
