My relationship of over eight years to my boyfriend Max was hanging on by a thread. It was bad. We were both miserable and headed towards an inevitable split. And if that wasn't bad enough, my work life was somehow even more miserable. I was suddenly doing three people's jobs and working sixty plus hours a week. At 52, I was in a job that I hated and a relationship that wasn't working. And then the pandemic hit.
I couldn't take it anymore. As awful as the pandemic was, it gave me time to stop and re-assess my life. Life can be taken away in an instant and I didn't want to spend another minute of it being miserable. I spent my life conforming to other people's standards and I didn't ever want to do that ever again. Life is too short to be miserable.
I broke up with Max.
I quit my job.
I cut my hair radically short and dyed it purple. I got a few new tattoos.
I eventually found a new job - it is much less corporate, much less bullshit (although definitely a sizeable amount of bullshit) and far more diverse. I can wear whatever I want and be myself. Nobody gives me shit about my hair or my tattoos - in fact, I'm often complimented on both.
I was starting to feel much better about myself and my life. I was even thinking of dating again. I had been with Max for so long, and before that was married for many years, so I was very much out of practice. And I imagine the prospects are limited for a 50-something divorcee.
But I feel like I have something to offer. I'm smart and accomplished and kind of cute. I have some style. I'm no beauty queen, but I've managed to stay relatively fit and healthy. I'm tall at nearly 5'10" and while my body isn't as pert as it used to be, men still check out my ass on the beach.
I made a few attempts at making an online dating profile, but couldn't get into it. I had met Max online, so I know online dating can work, but didn't seem to have the bandwidth to go through all the hassle of weeding through all the creepy guys and crazy messages and the unending parade of dick pics.
And I missed Max. We were good for each other in so many ways, but I couldn't take his constant absence. Max is always out of town for work, often half the year, and even when he is in town, he works nights and I work days. It was like being in a relationship with a ghost. And sadly, our sex life had become non existent the last few years. But I still missed him so.
I called him. We made a coffee date. We talked. And talked. And talked.
In so many ways we are not right for each other, but in so many ways we are. I love this man so much and didn't know what to do about it.
Max had brought up an idea years ago that I dismissed out of hand, but he was bringing it up again - an open relationship. I initially cringed at the idea. And while I consider myself progressive and inclusive and open minded, I still couldn't wrap my head around it.
I'm a romantic at heart I suppose - I love the idea of growing old with a special someone and taking care of each other. But I did have friends who were in open marriages and seemed to be doing well. After that coffee date with Max, I had a long talk with my longtime friend Aidan - a lovely gay man who was in an open marriage with his husband. They stopped being sexual with each other several years into their marriage but were still with each other romantically. They still planned on growing old together.
My anxiety ridden head and heart foresaw all the potential issues with jealousy and resentment and STIs, but for Aidan and his husband it seemed to work. Aidan reminded me that many monogamous couples cheat, and that its much healthier to be open about it. But I never wanted to cheat on Max - I just wanted more of his time.
I still had my doubts. I'm not a gay man - my sexuality is different and I'm not sure the scenario would play out the same for me. But I didn't want to continue to settle. Again, life is too short to be unhappy.
We decided to give it a shot. Max moved back in and after weeks of discussion, we agreed on the following ground rules if one of us wanted to date others: no one in either of our professional or personal circles, don't bring anyone back to our apartment, always practice safe sex, regular STI testing, absolutely no secrets, each other is always the first priority.
We did start having sex again. It was lovely - familiar and kind and gentle like an old soft t-shirt. But it was also a reminder that we simply did not have the sexual spark and energy that we used to - perhaps it was a sign that we were embarking on something necessary and needed.
A few months had passed and neither of us had partaken in the open part of our marriage. But our day-to-day life was better, more peaceful. Max's schedule became busier and busier, and in the past this would have led to arguments and tension, but that wasn't happening this time. Somehow the knowledge that I was free to find other romantic company helped ease my anxiety.
But how to find that romantic company? I was in kind of the same place when I broke up with Max - and I just didn't want to online date again.
Is there someone I knew that I might be interested in? There was someone I had to admit - but I had no idea if he would be interested or what he would think about my situation. I wasn't sure I had the courage to put myself out there with him.
Juan lives in my building. He's a very kind, jovial Puerto Rican man who always has a big smile on his face. Every time I see him, I can't help but smile as his positive energy is so infectious. He's around my age, a smidge taller than me, slim, with a thick curly head of hair. He has an adorable dog.
