Lisa looked at me dismissively. "Not in a sex shop as you think. Happy BVBW client cash reward spending spree, found a women's undies shop off the King's Road with a penchant for risqué and selling it at outrageous prices; you're looking at a hundred pounds' worth." She giggled. "Got my money's worth, hard-on was wood, a tree gently swaying in the breeze in time with breathing and pulse when I was naked, unyielding iron rod oozing pre-cum instant you saw me in my undies. Have to wait for one set or both of Lisa's lips to relieve it." She put on the loose top, tugged her jeans over her hips and zipped them up. "Come on, clothes on, your room, I'll make your bed look slept in while you don clean clothes, breakfast and sort a room refund."
I noticed Lisa's glance at the room tariff board on our way into breakfast and saw the wheels start churning, rapid mental arithmetic, convert rand to pounds and compare the tariff with what she paid in the UK. She launched into Mach One lawyer grilling as soon as we sat at our table. Not a package holiday per se but did I buy a package deal, ask the travel agent to sort flight and hotel or them and car? Did I know the breakdown, what each cost? When she paused for breath, I confirmed my travel agent sorted it all, I upgraded the hotel and that except for its extra cost, I had no idea of the breakdown. She said she had asked for one, checked the best deals on the Internet and found a cheaper flight but only more expensive hotel and car costs.
That grilling complete, Lisa opened fire, Kalashnikov at full burst, about our day ahead. What would we do after the long drive to the airport to return a car? Suggestions were explore the nearby town, check if there were any wildlife parks near it, if so, pay a visit, or a leisurely drive back along the coast road and stop off at a beach to swim, sunbathe, relax and chat. My saying decide when we had sorted the cars satisfied her and, finger off the gun's trigger, she calmed into idle chat.
Breakfast over, Lisa greeted the Receptionist with a broad smile, the name on her tag and a cheerful, "Good morning, Thandiwe, a pretty name for a pretty young lady and I'm sorry if I haven't pronounced it correctly." Without waiting for a response, the Kalashnikov opened fire. She told Thandiwe our names and room numbers and rattled off a yarn that we lived together in London for three years, broke up last year and had not seen each other since until we bumped into each other in Deja's last night. No break in the machine gun fire, her next burst was that we had chatted, mooted getting back together and agreed on return to the hotel to go to our rooms, decide about getting back together overnight and meet for breakfast for decisions about becoming friends who would meet regularly back in the UK or lovers again here and there. Final burst of gunfire was that we unanimously chose lovers, would vacate a room, wanted a refund for the other, I arrived the day before yesterday, so two nights, she arrived yesterday, so one night, my room had a sea view and we wanted to keep it. She finally paused for breath, smiled and said, "So, a twenty night refund on my room, please, Thandiwe."
Finally able to get a word in edgewise, Thandiwe recoiled from the onslaught, stifled a sigh and mustered a smile. "Good morning," she began. "I've never thought of Deja's as playing Cupid but it did last night; your meeting and making up so far from home." She paused, called up our room details on the computer, offered to refund Lisa ten nights and said it could mean a loss for the hotel; no guarantee it would resell her room.
Lisa laughed. "Nice try but you'll have to try much harder, Thandiwe." Amusement left her voice. "Town heaving, hotel full, turning prospective guests away, it'll resell the room before nightfall at board tariff, a hefty hike on the Internet price, much heftier one on what I paid, and make twenty nights at board rate plus ten at what I paid. I'm fair, won't rip you off and I won't be ripped off. Eighteen nights at the rate I paid or no deal, we keep both rooms, the hotel has a vacant one it could but can't resell and loses money. We paid up front, wrote off the cash, didn't expect to want a refund for any reason and certainly not that it'd be meeting and making up. We're just glad to be together again, not bothered about a refund and are trying to do you a favour; give you a room to resell at a huge profit. Eighteen night refund on my room and its resale profit or no room and no profit, you choose, final offer, take it or leave it, simple as."
Stung by bullets from unfriendly Kalashnikov fire, Thandiwe's eyes narrowed. She looked at Lisa and sensed she was not bluffing. Assessment of Lisa and her offer's merits complete, Thandiwe said she would ring the Manager and ask him to come to Reception. He arrived and huddled in the corner with Thandiwe for a tête-à-tête.
Secret session complete, the Manager, Barry, an Afrikaans, introduced himself to Lisa. "Lekker," he began. "Oh, Afrikaans, means 'Good' and I meant it's good you met and made up thousands of miles from home." He confirmed Thandiwe had explained matters.
"You overlooked critical factors in what you said to Thandiwe, Miss Adams," Barry continued. "First, overseas tourists book all accommodation in advance or one or two nights and then book ahead from the hotel they're at if they're touring; they don't arrive here on spec. Second, you may have noticed some very large houses and will see hundreds on the hilltops if you drive up the hill at the far end of the town beach. Cheapest cost five million rand, sky's the limit above that, very few locally owned, vast majority are holiday homes owned by our wealthy cousins from Gauteng, Jo'burg and Tshwane, new name for Pretoria, used a month or so a year at best and are being now, hence crowded town. Check the vehicle plates in town, as many 'GP,' Gauteng, as 'EC,' Eastern Cape, local, and all the pricey vehicles will be 'GP' guaranteed. Third, 'Vaalie' in Afrikaans are inlanders who drive to the coast, thousand kilometres plus if it's from Gauteng, don't book, can't find vacancies and have to find an inland hotel, break the budget by trying at five-star ones like this, prospective guests we've had to turn away, sleep in their vehicle or give up and go home. Vaalie influx is Friday to Monday, that's today, slim chance I'll resell your room, may when the next batch of vaalie leap in their cars or bakkies, um, pick-up trucks, on Friday, best I can do is risk I will and refund fifteen nights on your room at the rate you paid, Miss Adams."
"Can't argue with your points," Lisa conceded. "I'd noticed 'EC' and 'GP' plates and latter on pricey stuff. Nearest equivalent to 'Vaalie' in English is 'Grockle,' just means a holidaymaker." She stepped back from the desk, jiggled a skin-tight jeans clad leg and did a brief hand on hip pose. "Pull the other one, Barry," she breathed huskily, put her arms on the Reception desk and leant forward, hands clasped in an arrow formation pointing at him. "Do I look as if I was born yesterday?" she asked, fully aware her question invited his making eye contact and having a clear peripheral view of her cleavage and bra.
"Ag man, cut the kak," Lisa continued. "Afrikaans for 'Oh man, cut the crap' I believe, Barry. You admit turning away vaalie, grockles, by 'Slim' chance meant 'First rate' and know reselling my room to a vaalie on Friday is a racing certainty. It or a phone sale will be at board tariff, a huge mark up on what I paid, an Internet sale is still a hefty mark up and you and I know you'll be quids in, English for pounds, means you'll make a guaranteed hefty profit. Greg and I paid up front, wrote off the money, didn't expect to want a refund and I told Jack we're not bothered about one and are trying to do the hotel a favour by vacating a room it'll promptly resell at a huge profit. I told Thandiwe I'm fair, won't rip off the hotel and won't be ripped off, so eighteen-night refund and we'll vacate Greg's more saleable sea view room or my fairness becomes bitchiness. We'll keep both rooms, occupy mine and your blood pressure will go sky high every time you turn a vaalie away knowing you have a vacant, saleable sea view room you could sell at a huge profit. Take it or leave it and we both know you'd be crazy to do the latter."
"Direct, determined, don't mince words, Miss Adams," Barry remarked, half-complimentary, half wishing he did not have to deal with her and wholly enjoying the cleavage show. "Yes, 'Ag' and 'Kak' are 'Oh' and 'Crap' in English. You've done some Afrikaans homework and a lot more in economics, true I'll be quids in if I resell a room and a sea view is more saleable." He looked at Lisa and then me pensively, frowned and fiddled with the computer.
"Final offers as follows," Barry continued. "First, a sixteen-night refund at the rate Mr Harrison paid and you vacate his room. Second, vacate both and move into our island in the sky, true penthouse above the top floor suites we call penthouses." He paused, frowned thoughtfully, muttered, "Rand, pounds," and sighed. "Twenty nights on the suite and your room, nineteen on Mr Harrison's, I'll um, make a nineteen night refund on Mr Harrison's room, straight swap on cost of your room for the island, meet the fair Miss Adams half way in the hope it'll avoid my meeting her alter ego."
"Can't say until Greg and I know what the island is," Lisa said.
"I was about to tell you," Barry grunted impatiently. His voice softened. "Befitting rekindling your relationship, our honeymoon suite, was in general use, only used for its purpose now. Two reasons, keeps it pristine and the lift stops at the penthouses, need the key to go up, stop-start rattled established couples, newlyweds enjoy unlocking access to a private world."
"Think of it as a bungalow on the roof surrounded by a garden and terrace," Barry continued. "Garden is a small lawn, real grass, surrounded by flowerbeds and shrubs and trees in pots. More potted greenery around the terrace, which has lights, heaters for cool evenings, a Jacuzzi, heated eight-metre swimming pool, sunloungers, table with an integral sunshade and chairs for al fresco meals. Sitting room has a white leather sofa, chaise longue and armchairs, coffee table and so on, normal domestic furnishings and décor with a romantic emphasis. Dining room has a circular glass table, four chairs and unit housing china, cutlery, wine, spirits, champagne, fridge; everything for eating and drinking. Bedroom much bigger than your rooms, faces east so sunrises stream in, very large circular bed with tulle drapes above the headboard that can be closed, surround the bed with a diaphanous curtain, and a spa bath and wet room in the en suite. Bathroom has a massive circular sunken spa bath, bigger wet room than the en suite and hundreds of candles dotted around. All rooms have dimmer switches and separate concealed soft lighting, all except bathroom have French windows to the terrace, décor, furnishings and overall effect are relaxing and romantic, subtle not garish. Suite vacant throughout your stay, you get it for the cost of your room, huge loss for me on what it'd cost but profit on its vacancy and I make a profit on your rooms if I resell them. You're welcome to view the suite before you decide, Jack will take you up."
