Dear Nathan

Dear N,

Do you remember me? I remember you. I am writing to see how you were. I know that you recently got out of rehab and have asked about me. T has informed me that you also disappeared for two months to go to L.A. I hope the trip was well for you. It was worry for me Remember I let you rewrite de Sade on my back, with each bite of the switches you made from a plum tree in my front yard. I met you one day when T came over and said that there was someone he wanted me to meet. You, were dressed in black that summer day, a gentlemen in almost every way. We crowded into my small bed room and you sat in a chair the sat in the corner. You picked up a book that lay on my desk and asked if my mother approved. I laughed for she know not. You asked If you could talk to me alone and T went out for an hour. How kind to leave us...

We talked about De Sade and you kissed my cheek and said that you knew of no one who ever read the works of such a brilliant mind. I remember that you and T left me with only a kiss that day. You came back the next day alone, I do not remember if we even made it to the bed, did it even matter? The force and delight I felt. as you thrust into me...the bite marks I had after our first coupling. I still remember. I said no to you once, I did not go down on men. you thought it odd, I agree with you now... Nathan, you made me cry out your name in passion and lust. Nathan, you have been the only one.

This went on for several months you would sneak into my room in the dead of night. We spent our nights full of debauchery we read Philosophy of the Boudoir together wrapped in each others arms. When I met Dale we continued though at a slower pace, to say we fucked like rabbits was to say the least. I remember the way your back arched when you climaxed and the way your breath, panted next to my skin. I remember the way you put me first and made me feel every sinew and muscle in my own body. I remember you asked me, commenting on the scars, if I had been taken from behind? I asked what you meant and my bottom was abused for an hour, I have the half moon scars, still, in my flesh from a swift grab as you came. Ah I cherish it so. The sweat dripping from your brow to the back of my neck... Silent except for our breathing, the feeling of you in me... Dale had thought me a virgin there and wanted that fruit for himself...sad creature...He never had me.. I let you do that only once, you said that was all right...

I found out about the drugs in a tear filled confession one stormy night. You said they were like me you could never have enough. I cried, i confess when you left in the rain, left my life.. I never wanted to speak with you, let alone sleep with you again. I knew you had it hard, I knew that somehow deep down you dreamt of me each night...still I would not let you near...

To this day i remember the mutual whipping that left us marked and sweaty, never to the point of blood, but to the point of heightened emotions. I still bear your scars, I know you still bear mine. they are a reminder to us. of what i know not but they stay forever.

I remember telling you that love is for the weak and carnal emotions would always bond us. T, never knew that I felt this way he thought I loved him, love no lust yes, in search of my own purity I found you. Ravished and abused, we fell into each other like lock and key.

My dear dear friend, Why must I let you go? Ah the feelings we encased in each others hearts were for our own destruction. we knew it was not forever and still we have our scars and our memories...And sadly to this day I have no last name to put on the address, for I can only mail this to T in hopes he can find you...

Why am I reminiscing? I wanted only to say happiness is for the blind and reality is for those who truly see. well may your life be long and full of debauchery, as the marquis would have put it...

Sincerely and yours forever in Debauchery

M