Dear Diary

I'm sitting at our table, in my seat looking over to where she used to sit. Its quite in here now. No more sounds of her. No more sweet smells from her perfume, not even the hint of her presence is here. But I'm looking into our old photo album now, pictures of us during our time together. I look now and I see she had a beautiful smile. Like a sunrise over an ocean making the waters turn red and glow with the eerie light it cast. Just reading her journal makes me wonder what I did wrong. Could it have been who I was with? Who my friends were? Where I hung out? Just reading her journal is like tapping into her mind. Such a woman who loved me… I wish I could tell her how much she means to me. Or to tell her that I'm sorry. Shit even when I look into her journal and read some of the later pages I see that I could have been wrong about the whole thing…. Was I wrong?

"We have moved in together! We bought our own apartment and we have begun to be a full couple now. I love him. Each day he sends me flowers calls me up and everything. The works. Making sure I'm all right and I'm okay. Its kind of odd though. But I like it. it makes me feel needed and pampered. I just wish that he would lay down about it. sometimes he seems like he is over protective I think. But oh well. The place is wonderful. We have a skyline view of the city. Its close to our works. And its huge. Fire place, in home washer, and everything. Its ours that's what I have to say. Its his and mine. OURS.

The first night we stayed in here we didn't sleep a wink. The living room was the first place we started to make love at. We danced at first listening to some soft music he put on. We had a light dinner and some red wine. It was perfect, I could have cried in his arms I was so happy. He smiled with that wonderful smile of his, I love how he smiles. It feels like its true. Like he isn't lying. I love how he holds me in his arms, holding me close and not letting me go, I lean into him and he supports me. I closed my eyes and we swayed slowly together in that moment. His lips reached mine and we kissed softly. Each pressing second was a glorious one. I could almost die of happiness. His tongue dancing over mine, our lips parted to suckle at each others. Our eyes closed, the perfect moment. We made love on the couch, he slid my dress of slowly and let it fall to my ankles and lowered to his knees before me. Caressing my sensitive areas with his lips. Lifting me up in his strong arms and carrying me over tot he couch and laying me down. I could have sworn he grinned. It looked so dirty and evil, but it gave me a shiver when he did it. I didn't like it but I loved it. it was scary but sensual. He kissed up my thighs and spread my legs wider now, he let his tongue trail up my inner thigh until he was right at my lip.

Pressing it with his wet tongue and then lowering down to lap at my opening. He sends shivers up my spine doing that. I cant help myself when he does it, I lose control over my body because its so good that I cant control any part of it. just thinking about it gets me happy now. Soon after I had reached my peek he picked me up in his arms and carried me to the bed. Laying me down softly. I felt like I was the princess in a novel that was going to be a full happy one. He crawled on top of me and kissed me. Our bodies naked on our bed. In our kingdom, where joy is always. I still remember him pushing into me. Feeling him slowly enter my body, his thick hard mass feels so good. I cant control myself when he does it, he says I lose control and scratch him on the back.

I don't remember doing it though. But I see the scars and I feel embarrassed I did it. I know he liked it, we are like a married couple I think, each day now we wake up and get dressed, get into the shower and wash each other… oh yes, our first shower together in our apartment. He had me pinned against the wall, our soap covered bodies pressed together as hot water cascaded off the walls and onto the floor, his strong arms holding me up and making sure I was still as he pushed hard into me. It was the first time we did it hard. I loved ever second of it. his hard kisses, his hard pumps. It was the first time we had screamed together too. it felt liberating and very kinky. I loved it, I wish he was here right now though. He is at work and I have a day off. So I guess I'm gonna have to call him and let him have a little fun at work."

Reading that passage I remember that day. She called me at work and started to tease me. My CO workers laughed cause she started to get loud and my manager eyed me funny about that for the rest of the week. I didn't know that she got that way thinking about me. I didn't know that she thought about me fully all day. I guess I just never thought about her that way. Now that I think about that day more clearly, I had gone home late on purpose. I had bought her some candies and some white wine.

Walked into the apartment and saw her sitting watching TV in the dark. She looked at me almost teary eyed. As if I had done something wrong. It was because I was late I think. I didn't mean to do it. but when she saw me she got up and ran into my arms. She said she was scared of being alone and that she thought I was mad at her for doing what she did on the phone. I didn't mean to do that to her.

I didn't mean that at all, she looked so scared of me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. We didn't make love that night, we stayed in bed and held each other close as she fell asleep holding me tight in her arms. If only I had said it was all right, if only I had smiled to her and said it was okay. Maybe I wouldn't be alone now. But every day I read about her thoughts of me brings me closer to the truth. she did love me.