It had been several months since I began my new job. After taking nearly 10 years to raise my children to an age where I felt comfortable re entering the working world, I found that much had changed since the last time I was employed. I'll give you a little of my background so that you can understand my story a better.
My name is Dawn and I'm a 30 year old divorcee with 2 lovely daughters. I met my husband less than 2 years after I graduated from high school. Having always been mature for my age, I chose a man quite a few years older than me, thinking we would have more in common than the younger guys closer to my age. Of course, I later found that this was foolish and flawed logic.
When Michael and I met, the newness of being in love carried us through the first six months or so. The 'or so' happened when I found out I was pregnant. I have to give it to him, he was a thrilled and devoted father. However, this it meant whatever dreams I had of having the career I wanted were momentarily obliterated. At first, I had mixed feelings. I was overjoyed at the thought of carrying our first child-the result of the love we shared for each other. On the other hand, I was a little less than thrilled at the thought of putting y life on hold. Eventually the joy of being the mother of Michael's child won out and I happily carried our first child to term. A few days before Christmas, our daughter Nicole was born.
When Nikki was 4 months old, I broached the subject of me returning to work. For the first time, I saw Mike lose his temper. HIs response was a resounding, "Hell no!" And he went on to explain that he didn't trust ANY daycare with his baby. He said that I was her mother and it was my responsibility to be the nurturer in our family. Inside I rebelled, outwardly I thought that I could placate him for the moment and try the subject again with him later.
Later turned out to be a year and a half. What made that year and a half a living hell was the fact that HE never stopped going out or living like a single man.
Why put up with it? I'll try tell you. I had never known another man besides him. I didn't want to be one of those women whose marriage had failed. I thought it meant something to be married to the man whose child I bore. There were many reasons at the time, but looking back I don't see one that could make me want to ever do it again. I'm not soured on marriage, just the thought of staying with a man for the wrong reasons. Anyway, back to the story...
The second time I tried to put the subject of starting a career to Mike was at breakfast right before Nikki's second birthday. I opened my mouth and had to rush to the bathroom before I could even get the sentence out of my mouth. I cried as I emptied the contents of my stomach. The only time I ever got sick in the morning was when I was pregnant. While washing my mouth out, I heard Mike enter the bathroom.
"Are you okay, Dawn?" he asked.
I glanced his way for a second. "What do you think?"
In my mind I was mentally tallying the number of days that I was overdue for my period. The days eventually turned out to be 2 months. I moaned and closed my eyes. "I think I'm pregnant again."
He let out a loud whoop and came to embrace me tightly. "Maybe this time it'll be a boy!"
I just stared at him. "I'm not ready to do this again. I'm just starting to look halfway decent again and I really want to start my career."
To this day, I'll never forget his response to that. He just brushed it off with, "Oh you're young, you'll have plenty of time to have a career when the kids are grown."
Prior to that day, I had never cursed. "Motherfu-!!!!" He smothered my response with a kiss then walked out of the bathroom to tell Nikki that she was going to have a baby brother.
He left shortly after that and returned late that night. All the time he was gone my mind turned over and over. Once again, I was faced with having to put my life on hold. Don't get me wrong. I love my children dearly and always have. But at that moment,. I felt completely trapped. I didn't want to lose my husband even though he treated me like a brood mare. I wanted my children to grow up knowing their father and mother and not have to deal with the difficulty of having their parents living separately. Though the more I tried to 'be reasonable' the less appealing it was than the first time.
The second pregnancy went easier than the first, but I began to notice things about Mike that I hadn't before. Honestly, other than work and sex, he did nothing to make our relationship worth maintaining. This was brought to my attention by one of the least likely people. His own mother. During my seventh month of pregnancy, my mother-in-law came for a visit.
Never known for restraint, her first comment was, "You look like hell."
I tried to smile as if she were joking, but she didn't return it. Having no one else to confide in, I told her how I felt.
When I finished, she was quiet for a moment and said, "The jackass is just like his father. He saw the hell I went through with that man and still turns out to be just like him."
