Darcys Designated Driver

"I'm not drunk you know."

"I know, sweetie," I said without looking over at her at all. She was drunk.

"I'm just...tipsy! Like...pleasantly...buzzing, y'know?"

"Uh-huh." She was drunk.

"Bzzzzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzz!"

"Stop that or I'll swat you," I deadpanned. Darcy didn't really drink that often so it didn't take all that much to pretty well do her in. "Look, I believe you, okay?"

"Liar! Asshole! You're just humoring me and I know it. You're laughing at me! I hate you! I HATE you!"

"No, honey," I calmly corrected, "I'm taking care of you. That's why you wanted me to be your designated driver tonight, remember? In case you overdid it."

"I knooooooow..." she drawled apologetically as her shoulders drooped, "I loooove you."

"Of course you do."

"And thank you for taking care of me but I'm fine. I'm really, really fine. I am totally NOT as think as you drunk I am. HAHAHA!"

I chuckled at the old joke and wondered if she'd made it purposely. "Okay, we've been sitting here in the car long enough now. You think you're ready to try again to get out on your own or do you need a little assistance? It's time to get you upstairs to bed."

"Why, sir! Exactly what kind of a woman do you think I am anyway?"

"The kind that's been sitting here outside your apartment building for about a half hour now unable to make even the least amount of progress toward getting out of my damn car. Come on. I'm gonna come around and get your door, hon." She smiled a pretty smile as I opened it up and extended her my hand. She grasped it and I pulled hard but carefully, finally coaxing her small frame out of the passenger seat.

"HAH! Told you I could do it," she said.

"Yeah, yeah," I said as we walked toward the steep, intimidating staircase up to her second floor apartment. "Okay, here comes the tough part," I said with resignation. After another twenty minutes or so that would have made Laurel and Hardy proud, the two of us somehow managed to get up the stairs in one piece...or two pieces as the case may be.

"WHEW! Made it. Your work here is through, oh great Jedi," she said as she stood leaning on her open door. "Time for me to get into my pj's and go sleepy-bye."

"Well then go right ahead 'cause I won't be able to get any rest until I know you're safely tucked in and sleeping it off, got it?"

"Okey-dokey, then. I warn you now you're about to get an eyeful, Mister Pervie McPerv." With that I followed her into her bedroom where she immediately pulled her shirt up and started to take it off. Then she grinned like a Cheshire cat and turned away from me, pulling it up over her head and tossing it at the wall. She grabbed at the clasps on her thin beige bra but in her current state couldn't quite get them undone. "Baby, could you...?" she asked. I walked closer and unsnapped it for her, leaving her smooth back completely bare and just inches away from me. The room was chilly but I could suddenly feel the warmth from her body. She looked over her shoulders and blew me a kiss. She held her arms across her bosoms but I was still seeing a hell of a lot more of her young, bouncy breasts than I'd ever seen before. I lost my concentration when I suddenly heard her zipper unzip. Her jeans fell at her feet revealing a pair of full, scarlet underpants. Instinctively I looked away. I was at least trying to be a gentleman but the image was immediately burned into the pleasure centers of my brain. When I glanced back she had turned around and was pulling a short nightshirt down over her boobs. I could still see her panties, however, and my eyes were drawn to a rather obvious wet spot right at the crotch. I took a very deep breath. I kept telling myself she was drunk...but I wasn't at all sure myself was listening anymore. I was pretty sure SHE wasn't.

"Hey!" she practically yelled as she plopped down on her big fluffy bed and pulled the covers up over her legs, "Earth to you! If you're gonna tuck me, tuck me now dumbass or I'm gonna fall asleep without you."

"Sorry. Got distracted there for a sec."

"Woo-hoo! I'll just bet you did, buddy." She stuck her tongue out playfully at me. "Come on. I'm tired. I'll call you in a couple days when I wake up, okay? Love you...Buh-bye."

I was thankful she was so close to nodding off. I had started to worry that I couldn't make it. I was also thankful I had worn baggy pants so Darcy couldn't notice my hard-on. She closed her eyes and I pulled the cover the rest of the way up as I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.

Just then her eyes flitted open and she said, "Uh-oh."

"What 'uh-oh?" I groaned.

"Uh-oh, I gotta go potty."

I sighed audibly. "Fine. I'll just see myself out then. Good night and..."

With that she threw off the covers and sat up, grabbing my arm in the process. "Oh, no you don't. What if I fall or something?"

"I'm sure you've done this before," I countered as I attempted to evade her grasp.

"I thought you were supposed to be taking care of me?" she pouted.

"That doesn't mean...UGH! Fine! Come on, I'll wait outside for you."

She leaned her sleepy head on my shoulder as we walked slowly down the dimly lit hallway to the tiny bathroom. It felt nice. Nice enough that my stiffie continued at full mast. I tried to think of football or Star Trek to make it go down but nothing helped. I clicked the light on for her and told her I'd wait right outside. "I really gotta go," she moaned. She stumbled in, hiked up her shirt and started to pull down her underwear.

"Jeez!" I thought as I pulled the door closed behind her and turned away. "She's drunk, drunk, drunk," I thought again. "This would be SO wrong on SO many freaking levels."

"Hey!" she yelled from inside.

"What?"

"There's no paper in here."

"What?" I repeated.

"There's NO fucking toilet paper, dammit! There's more in the pantry over in the kitchen. I need you to bring it to me."

God hated me. I don't know when I pissed him off or how but in spite of my best efforts to be good, I could feel myself seeping into my shorts. I stepped into the kitchen pantry and literally stepped ON the toilet paper. I grabbed the 6 pack and went back. "Okay, I've got it."

After a long few seconds, she responded, "Well?"

"Oh. Uh..."

"This is the easy part, I swear. Just open-- the door-- and hand me-- the toilet paper."

"Here ya go!" I tentatively pushed the door open just a crack and tossed the 6 pack in.

"Oww! You lunkheaded labradoodle! I only needed a roll, not the whole damn pack. MEN!" Soon after, the door opened wide and she walked out sticking her tongue out at me again. "All right. Thank you. Bedtime. Go 'way now."

I sighed a sigh of relief. Like Mary Tyler Moore, I was going to make it after all. I got her back to the bedroom and was about to offer my goodnights yet again when I noticed something as she climbed back into bed. No underwear. Even in the dim streetlight from the window, I got a view of her shapely ass that would have made the moon jealous. "Umm...you forget something?"

"Silly," she giggled as she sat facing me on the bed, "My panties were kinda gross so I chucked 'em in the laundry basket in the bathroom. You like?" As she said that, she lifted her nightshirt in a wave and flashed her hairy pussy at me. "Woo-hoo!"

"Look," I said as sternly as I was capable of at that moment, "I really need to leave. Right. Now."

"Awww, why?" she asked in a sing-songy voice as her fingers absentmindedly started fondling her mound down there. "C'mere...You know you want to."

"D'arcy..."

"C'mon. I'm just kidding. Seriously. I just want to kiss you goodnight and thank you again for everything. C'mere. Please?"

"Okay, but this time I'm leaving before something happens that one of us would regret...and I almost hate to say it but it wouldn't be me." I walked up to her and quickly kissed her on her forehead.

"That's supposed to be a kiss? Motherfucker! That's an insult is what THAT was! Here." With that, she grabbed me and pulled me off balance onto the bed, mashing her lips to mine noisily and at the same time grabbing my hand and bringing it down to her syrupy vagina. I knew all hope was lost from that point so I immediately gave up my resolve and started doing what she seemed to want--I started rubbing her soaked bush. She just kept kissing me.

When Darcy finally pulled her lips away, I could see in her eyes that she no longer expected me to leave. I couldn't help but wonder if she ever really had. She fluffed up the pillows behind her and pushed herself up against the headboard, spreading her legs in the process. With a big, inviting smile, she pulled the edge of the nightshirt up above her waist, leaving her slit open invitingly wide right there in front of me. A sudden whiff of her hit my nostrils and I breathed it in deeply which made her giggle just a little. I didn't bother to undress at all. I just leaned down and tentatively ran my tongue through her thick pubic hair, savoring the deep, musky flavors that I had apparently helped create. She brought her hands up to the back of my head and gently forced me even closer to the powerful, beckoning aroma of her pussy. I repositioned myself for comfort and slipped my hands under her thighs to grasp her amazing ass. Then I just went to town, brother!

I wiggled my tongue around the fuzzy outsides of her lips, up and down, over and over and over. That seemed to cause her to secrete more of her delicious sauce so I kept at it, swabbing her slick, half-hidden little clit with every circle. I was going to be picking pubic hairs out of my teeth for days.

This is when I found out Darcy was loud--really loud--moaning and cursing and grunting with total abandon. Hello neighbors! Obviously I was doing something right as her hands continued to keep my head from going anywhere...not that I would have at that point! The slick sides of her sweating thighs crushed in around my ears, somewhat muffling the noise. I could literally feel them trembling.

With a silence and then a squeal that started out high and swiftly headed for dog whistle territory, Darcy came, all the while pushing my head back and forth into her shaking, sopping crotch. I didn't mind. The taste, the smell and just the feel of her was somehow both a comfort and a turn-on. I was very pleased that I had so quickly been able to satisfy her, especially as I had been long out of practice on the classic sport of Olympic muff-diving.

When her vice grip on my head finally loosened, I pulled it back and she looked at me and smiled a tired, happy smile. "You've got something on your face," she said.

I wiped at the stickiness that permeated my short beard and then sniffed and licked my fingers. "I think it's you," I said. That made her laugh a hearty laugh. As I stood up on rather wobbly legs, I looked at my friend all sprawled out on her purple silk sheets. I watched her belly rise and fall with every deep breath she was taking. I felt like one of us should say something about what had just happened but all I could think about was the discomfort in my pants as the biggest fucking hard-on I had ever had was begging to get loose. "Excuse me," I said as I reached inside my belt to straighten it so I'd be more comfortable. "Sorry. Just...need to...ahhh!...straighten things a bit."

"Oh, really? You, ummm...could actually let him out, you know. After what just happened, I really don't think I'd mind, do you?"

"What DID just happen?" I asked half seriously.

"Omigod, weren't you paying attention?" She tossed a silk encased purple pillow at me at that point. "I mean, seriously, are we gonna, like, have to do all that over again?"

"What?"

"Not that I'd mind, you understand. But I wanna see HIM," she giggled pointing at the obvious throbbing tent in my pants. C'mere..."

"Darcy...Seriously..."

"You think I'm not serious? C'mere!"

She sat back a bit and pulled her shirt up and over her head, leaving her now totally naked just a few feet away from me and already reeking of sex! Her legs were a little stubbly and I could see a bruise on her knee. Her underarms had visible traces of powder, the bottoms of her feet were dirty and by this point her hair was sweaty and all messed up. That said, I thought she was, at that exact moment, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I had, of course, fantasized about her breasts before and snuck as many discreet peeks as I could down her blouse but the real thing was amazing. They weren't porn star tits. That was what I liked best. They looked soft and comfortable with very hard and very pink looking tips standing up to meet me. It was enough. I started unbuttoning my belt. "So...should we establish any ground rules here or..."

"Fuck you, Mister Buzzkill. The only groundrules are that I am gonna have fun with YOUR little thingie for awhile."

"Don't say little."

"My bad," she laughed. She also reached out her hand to me from the bed. I slipped off my shirt. As I unzipped my pants they fell to the floor and I stepped out of them and crawled back up onto the mattress. I had on tight red underwear and my lovely friend immediately started rubbing me through it. I leaned down and kissed her, pulling away with a smacking noise. "I taste myself!" she said excitedly.

"Sorry."

"Stop apologizing! I like me. I taste good, dontcha think?"

"Oh, honey, you taste better than anything."

"I wonder how YOU taste?"

"Are you saying you want to...?"

"Well, not if you have some kind of an issue with it but... I mean, do you just want to hear me say it? Is that it? Okay, then. I, Darcy, want to suck--YOU--off! Now gimme!" She leaned in and stuck her tongue so deep in my mouth I thought I would gag, all the while rubbing and finally fishing out my cock. She pulled away and took a good long look at it. "OOO...big head. Be kinda hard to swallow." With that she wasted no time in moving in for her main course.

I had never in my life had a real blowjob from a woman who actually liked blowjobs. It quickly became obvious that at that point I was certainly having one. Darcy had clearly done this a time or two before and apparently had taken very good notes.

I couldn't take my eyes off of her as she opened her pretty pink lips in an oval and slid them right down over the smooth head of my dick. Then she clamped her mouth down for a snug fit and waved her tongue back and forth on the underside. After that, she opened her mouth with a pop and gulped some air, then giggled again. "How's that?"

"Ohhh...it was fine until you stopped. Don't be cruel, hon." I slipped my underwear completely off.

Her eyes lit up at my approval. '''K," she said. Then she engulfed me yet again, this time sliding it slowly but effortlessly as far back into her mouth as it could go. My balls were literally banging her chin as her big wet tongue coaxed me deeper every moment. I could hear her taking deep breaths through her nose and even though I'm not any bigger than average, I could swear the head of my dick was touching her tonsils! It all felt so weird. No one had ever deep throated me before.

Darcy grabbed my shaft with her tiny hand as she allowed it to come all the way out again. This time she began a steady licking rhythm on the outside, wetting every portion of my meat. She genuinely seemed to savor the flavor of my veiny flesh as she was always smiling and moaning softly when she didn't have my dick in her mouth. But oh, what a sight when she did. I was oozing at the tip and she playfully dabbed at it with her tongue. Then she slipped it in again, this time beginning a consistent up and down motion. I was throbbing down there and my nuts were starting to contract. I think Darcy knew what was happening. After a minute of me groaning uncontrollably, she just kind of held my swollen prickhead in her mouth, swabbing it with her wonderful tongue while she expertly jerked my cock.

"Oh, Honey, if you keep that up like that, I'm gonna you know what any second now." Her eyes twinkled and she kind of nodded her head and hummed encouraging noises at me. The humming felt damn good, too. In fact, that may well have been the straw that broke the camel's cock as I convulsed and shot a thick and fairly powerful blast right into her throat. She quickly slipped her mouth off again but kept it open as she continued to willingly accept two, three more squirts of my creamy cum. It dribbled a little out both sides just like in a porn film even as I could tell she was swallowing the rest.

Darcy coughed a couple of times, then held out her hand. "Water...on the table there." I handed it to her and she gulped a few gulps. "Ahhh! Tasty but a little tough to swallow. How'd I do, boss?"

"My God, Darcy...I...I don't know what to say. That was the most...awesome...amazing...bizarre thing that's ever happened to me!"

"Really? You don't get out much do you?"

"But I'm like, really, we shouldn't have done that. I mean, you're drunk, remember? I feel like I took advantage of you when your defenses were down, y'know?"

"Hello! Who took advantage of who? And you know what? I'm really NOT drunk. In the amount of time it took us to get home, get me up those freakin' stairs and get to here, I sobered up enough to see that this might be my best chance ever of getting into your pants, dear boy. I guarantee you I'm not gonna be regretting anything we've done and I'll break your legs in 13 places if you do, asshole. In fact, I've got a few other things in mind. Dude, if you thought what just happened was hot, you ain't seen nothin' yet. I just gotta rest here a sec."

With that, Darcy lay all the way down and pulled herself into a fetal position. I sat on her bed with my still half hard dick dripping onto my toes. "Sweetie, we've got a lot to talk about. I mean...I never thought we'd go this far. I never thought...I mean...I WANTED to! Don't get me wrong! Like, I have always dreamed about seeing your pussy and going down on you and..." I put my arm on her back and suddenly realized that I was now talking to myself. I looked at Darcy and sighed.Then I pulled myself up onto the bed and wrapped my body around hers.We definitely had things to discuss and I couldn't help but hope that more of them would involve us being naked. That would all have to wait at least until tomorrow, however, as Darcy, after nearly two hours of my trying to get her home from the party and safely tucked away...had finally fallen sound asleep.