I must admit that although I have often been accused of being forgetful and absent-minded, I have never had any of my significant others complain about the sex. My ex-wife has grudgingly and through gritted teeth, admitted that though there isn't much she misses about our marriage, she indeed misses the sex. It's not that I am a particularly well-endowed or skillful lover; it is that I am patient, enthusiastic and approach sex with the single-mindedness of an addict.
And that was what drew me to Janet. Janet and I dated for a few years after I graduated university and it was one of those hot and passionate love affairs that you look fondly back on, especially when looking over the bed at the unresponsive figure of your wife who has just regarded you with a look usually reserved for winos and lepers.
A few years ago, I ran into Janet at the mall who excitedly told me about her upcoming marriage to this dreamboat of a guy. What with my own marriage turning into a special cycle of hell, I nodded politely but utterly and completely was unable to share her enthusiasm. As conversation continued, she coyly referred to our steamy little history and confided that she had learned a lot about sex from me. I was flattered and a bit taken aback as she had come to the relationship with much more experience than I.
A year later I crossed paths with Janet again, but this was a more jaded and bitter Janet. Her marriage had ended with her husband's infidelity and she was currently holding a grudge against all males. My marriage at this point was kicking its legs into the air one last time and somewhere in a lawyer's cabinet was my wife's divorce papers, ink still damp from the pen. During that meeting Janet and I didn't talk much about anything at all, certainly not our own marriages, certainly not our past relationship and most certainly not about sex.
A few weeks ago, I bumped into fair Janet yet again on a busy street. I convinced her to join me for a coffee and we sat and chatted. She had mellowed a bit as time distanced her from her divorce and she even admitted that she was dating some. I confessed that I too had divorced and was eagerly out on the dating trail. We swapped a few horror stories and laughed quite a bit.
In the course of conversation, I told her where I lived as it was coincidentally just around the corner from her parents' house. She said she knew the house and thought it was in a lovely neighbourhood. We promised each other we would get together again soon, and all the usual meaningless polite things people say when they have no intention of seeing each other, and parted ways.
A few weeks later I got a knock at my door and opened it to find a coy and demure looking Janet on my doorstep. She explained that she had just been to her parents and was driving by when she saw my light on. I invited her in and made her a drink. She looked around my house appreciatively, noting the lack of underwear hanging from lampshades and ceiling fans. I replied that she had come just after laundry day and I assured her that all my intimates would be back on inappropriate objects by no later than noon Wednesday. I also opened my fridge to her inspection and she was pleased to find a lack of furry colonies growing in tubs and on plates. She even nodded appreciatively at my collection of salad dressings and my promise of actually purchasing items that may someday actually end up in a salad.