Somewhere in the world, at every moment, a woman is discovering the joy of it for the first time.
Tags:
Cunnilingus, Facesitting, Straight sex, Lesbian sex.
*****
100,000 BC: First lick
She had no name: names had not been invented yet. There are lots of things that hadn't been invented then: not only cars, televisions, and cell phones, but also wheels, shame, clothing, and God. She and her people spoke a very simple language. There was, for example, a noun meaning "saber-tooth cat," and this, by coincidence, was also a verb meaning "run!" - the world's first homonym. There was also a word for "woolly mammoth," and closely related words meaning "grab your spear" and "time to eat."
There was a special word, too, spoken only by women, meaning "come fuck me," similar to the sound a woman makes even today when she's naked, and her arms are wound about her lover, and her vagina is warm and wet, and she's impatient to have his penis inside her. That word has changed hardly at all over the last hundred thousand years.
The woman was speaking this word now as she reclined beneath a tree in the warm afternoon, legs spread to advertise her wares. She had very little sense of self, but she had a vague notion that she was young, pretty, and fertile, and a sort of expectation (hope had not been invented yet) that a man of the clan would soon heed her call.
A nameless man was squatting with his back to her, banging at a piece of chert with an antler. He turned, looked at her briefly, and went back to his work. Neither disappointed nor discouraged, she said her word louder so that men farther off might hear and respond to her need.
After a time that she thought neither long nor short, a young man emerged from among the trees, attracted by the word she had spoken - aroused, too, to judge by the condition of his penis. He approached warily - just yesterday a woman had boxed his ears for presumption when he'd tried to mount her. Inexperienced but learning quickly, he had made a mental note to look for signs of welcome before attempting to mount a woman again.
This one simpered as she repeated her word still louder and spread her legs wider to show him her moist and engorged parts. He took these gestures as encouraging signs and came nearer, unable to look away from her damp pinkness, which she was rubbing now with three fingers of one hand.
Not an arm's length away, he squatted in front of her and sniffed, checking for the odor of estrus. Unsure, he bent closer, breathed deeply and grunted in satisfaction.
If things had taken their normal course, the woman would now have turned around and presented her hindquarters to him so he could mount her.
But at this very moment, somewhere near the edge of the village, a man shouted the word for "woolly mammoth." This word is difficult to represent in writing: suffice it to say that if a man spoke it in your presence today, you'd feel an immediate impulse to pat him on the back.
In response to the man's call, men and women all over the village shouted this word, though with a subtle difference: they shouted it with a falling pitch ending in a sort of growl. Pronounced this way, the word meant "grab your spear."
The young man crouching between the woman's legs froze in indecision. Hunting the mammoth was important: it would feed the clan for many days. On the other hand, he was feverishly horny, having had no sex for what seemed a very long time, and reluctant to abandon his current project.
The woman was uncommonly bright (though the concept "bright" had not yet been invented) and immediately knew how to influence events in her favor. She grabbed him behind the neck and pulled his face down to her crotch, moaning "grab your spear" with a sexy growl (she had, by the way, just invented the metaphor - linguists and literary critics take note).
With his face planted in her wide, wet cleft, the estrus smell was stronger than ever, and his penis pulsed with his arousal. He grabbed it, just as she'd told him to, and pumped himself as he breathed her in.
"Time to eat," she called, this being the "woolly mammoth" and "grab your spear" word, but with a rising pitch, ending in a shriek.
Obediently, he opened his mouth and licked her slick and sopping wet slash from vagina to clitoris - and was instantly rewarded with a flavor so salty, so rich, so far exceeding the flavors of the grubs, nuts, and woolly mammoths that were the ordinary constituents of his diet, that he felt himself transported to new realms, he knew not where (thus was the first seed of religious devotion planted - theologians take note).
The woman held his head in place with strong hands that had skinned mammoths and cracked the bones of antelopes. "Yah!" she cried, a whole new word meaning both "feels good" and "eat me." Women continue to say this word to their lovers even today, and the meaning has changed little over the millennia.
Sliding sideways away from the tree she'd been leaning against, the woman fell on her back and thrust her pelvis upwards, grinding her sex against the man's mouth. The feeling of his lips sliding across her tender membrane, his nose and tongue jamming her clitoris, was so fine - and better yet, she was in control in a way she'd never been before, when men fucked her for a few seconds, came inside her, and left: now she could make it last as long as she wanted.
The cries of the people pursuing the mammoth were receding into the distance by the time she came, a huge orgasm that tore scream after scream out of her as she bucked, pummeled his back with her heels, and tore at his flesh with her nails. Only when she was calm again did she turn and allow the somewhat shaken young man to mount her.
Thus did a nameless woman invent cunnilingus. I rate her up there with Plato, Leonardo da Vinci, and Sir Isaac Newton for her contribution to human happiness.
3,000 BC: Power pussy
Some say Semiramis was the daughter of a fish-goddess and was raised by doves. For my part, I find the fish-goddess part plausible enough, the dove part less so. She was the wife of the first Assyrian king Ninus, and she ruled the kingdom after his death. Many historians (men, of course) have called her a slut. I say "You go, girl!"
Little was known about the reign of Semiramis till recently, when Abu Nuwas al-Hasan ibn Hani al-Hakami, Professor of ancient studies at the University of Baghdad, succeeded after many years in reconstructing a chestful of fragmentary clay tablets which proved to contain the original autograph of her diary. Following is an excerpt from the entry for the first day of her reign.
"I was closeted in my chamber, deep in mourning for my beloved Ninus, turning over in my mind with what pleasure I had often sucked his
usaru
in the moonlight under the great cedar in the palace garden. Ah me! Where will I ever find his like? Such kingly length, such regal girth! His very foreskin savored of nobility, not to mention the enormous quantity of his seed as it gushed into my mouth, my
kuzbu
, or, occasionally, my
qinnutu
. His magnificent potency gave me my beloved son Adad-Nirari, who will one day rule the people with strength and wisdom. He will crush his enemies and level their cities, slaughtering the men and enslaving the women (strange how even at such a dark time as this, one is capable of pleasurable thoughts).
"Suddenly a loud pounding on my chamber door jolted me out of my reverie.
"'Go away!' I shouted, for I was, as I've said, lost in mourning, and besides, it occurred to me that my gown was hiked up and my fingers were performing a
nigut raqadi
on my
kiptu
. This was a private moment.
"'Celestial Queen!' a male voice cried. 'Your Divine Presence is required in the Great Hall!'
"'Get somebody else!' I called through the door. 'I'm busy!' My
kiptu
was already shrinking, my
kuzbu
drying up, and I was getting pissed off.
"'Only the Most Holy Ruler of Heaven and Earth can help us!' The man choked out his words between sobs.
"'I'm not a ruler! I'm just a queen!'
"'You're all we've got, Celestial One.'
"'This had better be important,' I grumbled, 'or I'll have you beheaded.'
"I let my gown fall and opened the door. The High Priest and Royal Advisor was groveling on the floor - or maybe he'd been peering under the door.
"'A dispute has arisen, oh Divine Queen, and you must judge the case.'
"I sighed. I knew nothing about the law, less about judging cases, but, wondering why this was so fucking urgent, followed the High Priest down endless passageways to the Great Hall, where my beloved Ninus had so often dispensed his divine justice. Two noblemen were standing before the throne, glowering at each other as perhaps a hundred people looked on, hoping for entertainment.
