Sorry. If you're religious, hoping for incest or some thing weird don't bother- I'm sure you'll find another story to suit you. Thank you.
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She was clever. She didn't ask me to go to church with her. Instead she asked me to accompany her and listen to her sing in the choir. She said there would also be a lecture.
She drove and parked outside a church. I guessed it was ok to be there but was sure I wasn't going to any service. I hadn't been to church in over thirty years, long enough for me to be a determined atheist. We went inside. It was a little late to be in refusal mode.
Suddenly there was silence and a man came in. He was dressed in a peculiar gown. He held his hands up, everyone bowed their heads and he said a prayer. It became increasingly apparent that I was at a church service giving thanks for things I hadn't asked for.
I made to get up. Her hand came across and rested on my thigh. I relaxed. With a few more incantations everyone decided to have a feed. But the portions they handed round were offensively miserable. A thimble full of grape juice was offered too, its meagerness seemed to deliberately match the meanness of the food. I refused when offered mine. It didn't look at all sanitary.
I made to get up and leave but her hand came across again and the gentle pressure on my thigh kept me seated. When all had quaffed their miserable portions a man was invited to speak. The subject was creationism verses evolution. He was a portly man who got up, young, with a belly that swung round behind the podium.
He started with the "irrefutable evidence" of Genesis, the seven days and all that. Then he talked about Darwin, of how wrong he was and produced lots of "evidence" as proof. It was quickly apparent a lot of the evidence against Darwin was suspect. I leaned forward in the pew, tempted to say something. Helen's hand was on my thigh again and I relaxed back into my sitting posture.
Several times Helen's hand was on my thigh. For her sake, I settled each time. But I was far from impressed. The Church was packed and everyone was agreeing with him, muttering in very Christian ways. Then he said something very stupid and it was simply too much.
"Don't be dishonest!" I shouted from the pew. Helen's hand gripped my thigh and there was silence in the church. All eyes were on me, heads swiveled to get a view. He stood there silent for a while, trying to stare me into submission.
"The facts are simple," he said, surprised and irritated that someone should challenge him. His tone had a touch of menace to it.
"The facts aren't simple," I replied. The silence in the church deepened. He was quick though.
"You're not smart enough to read the Bible, you'd better read my book."
"You haven't interpreted the Bible at all well," I retorted.
"How would you interpret it?" he shouted, and with the microphone was very loud. He was also losing his cool. Helen's grip on my thigh was painful, I brushed her hand away. She poked me viciously in the ribs.
"That part of Genesis is God's little joke. It's the only part of the Bible where he's shown to have a sense of humor and you're depriving Him of it. He's simply saying of creation, "God knows!""
"You're wrong," he shouted at me. For a moment I thought people were beginning to stand up. Were they going to deal with me, a lynching perhaps?
"If God really knew he'd be saying a lot more than those few lines in Genesis!" I shouted back. Helen's knuckles pounded my ribs so I grabbed her hand and held it.