He pushes his chair back from the table, extending out his legs before crossing an ankle over his knee. He curls forward to pick his beer from the table and relaxes back into the seat.
He doesn't seem to notice my white knuckles wrapped firmly around my beer. I am nervous but determined not to let him know.
We talk for an hour. Our work. The mean girls at the office. Being uncool, although I doubt that it is something he understands personally. By the end, my head spins a little from the beer and fatigue of the day.
I look at David. I've had a schoolgirl crush on him for two years, even though he's really not my type. I usually like to run a finger along the vein of a bicep or feel closely clipped hair on a man's neck against my palm. David is a thin hipster with ironic t-shirts and a ponytail. He's best friends with the lead guitarist of every band I've never heard of. He knows what craft beer to order and its alcohol content by heart.
His voice, though, has worked its way firmly into my brain. It's deep with a masculine Southern drawl. It's become even deeper now, hushed by the alcohol and enduring heat of the evening as we sit in the garden. I realize that I'm not paying attention to the conversation anymore, just the vibrations of his voice through the air and the movement of his lips. I want to close my eyes and listen. Things start to tingle inside me.
He interacts with me differently than he does with other people. It's little things like letting me wear his hat or untying my shoes for no reason. I don't know how to respond to these gestures most of the time. He is married, and I have never been careless with my flirtations. When I flirt, it's because I have a definite plan in mind. With David, I don't know what the plan is. I'm not calling the shots. I am not in control.
My God, do I want to fuck him, though.
I am suddenly awakened from my reverie as David stands up and says he's got to go. His wife expects him home, no doubt.
I feel a pulse go through my system. I'm fully back to reality now. As I stand, I use every muscle I have to stay stable. I don't want to look weak or tired or disappointed or drunk. Please, Lord, just let me keep it together for the next two minutes.
We start walking back to our cars. We're saying words to each other, but I'm aware that they aren't making sense. I might be buzzed, but he is wasted.
I feel around in my purse for my keys. They are there, I can hear them, but finding keys and standing and acting cool and pretending I am not disappointed by the conclusion of our evening is too much for me at the moment. I lean against my car, close my eyes and breathe.
I feel him next to me.