Brooke seated herself in the waiting room, examining the various corny posters around her. "You're Not Lost, You're Exploring: The Wilderness of Your Mind."; and "Dream Big: Even Bigger Than Your Netflix Queue."
She sighed, listening to the hum of the radiator. Arriving early was no fun. As soon as she took her headphones out, the door opened, and the counselor peeked out with a smile. "Sorry for taking so long."
"No, no. It's perfectly fine," she responded, clutching her purse and walking inside with him.
His space was much better furnished than the waiting room outside, but before she could properly absorb it, he whipped around and asked, "No Mr. Harrison?"
For a second she could only stare at him. Then she replied, "No, and honestly, I wouldn't mind starting without him."
"I see," was all he said before taking his seat. She sat down across from him. He began scribbling on his notebook while she took note of the various objects cluttered on the table. She wasn't certain she'd arrived at the right place. Rhonda had spoken so gushingly about it that she'd honestly expected the way to be paved with gold.
"Alright," Ryan said, clasping his hands together. "I'd dare say this is a common occurrence."
"You have no idea," she responded, placing her shaking hands on the table. Ryan waited for her to continue. "This last week he has been late picking the kids up, every day. And when he does, he drives wherever the fuck... I'm sorry. Wherever he wants. After that, there's about a fifty percent chance he wouldn't show up all night. And when he does, his side of the bed is empty."
She'd spoken too fast. Recovering her breath, she looked at the therapist. His expression had remained as stony as before, but something in his eyes compelled her to keep going. And so she did, the missed dates, groceries and errands. How he'd forgotten their 5th anniversary
and
her birthday in the same year. About how she suspected he was cheating.
When she was done, she felt drained. It was as if she'd wrung out her soul of everything she had felt for her husband. But she knew the lingering feelings would return, late at night, when the only sounds in her house were the engines of cars motoring past.
Ryan nodded sagely, and then gazing at her, he asked, "What does that make you feel?"
She almost burst out laughing. "Feel? What do you think I'm
feeling
right now?"
"That's exactly it. You may not know what you're feeling. Compartmentalize it. Tell me how much of it is anger, how much is disappointment, loneliness..."
They went on for an hour. Surprisingly, writing down what she was feeling, and recognizing the self destructive patterns she was putting herself into was a relief. It was as if she had discovered the root of her problems. Now if she could learn to start cultivating it.
They closed off with how they communicated within the marriage. The result was the slow realization that she and her husband had never actually talked like two adults in a relationship. They'd bickered like children, especially, Ryan said, the absent husband.
Driving home, Ryan's words ricocheted through her head, making her rethink just exactly what her marriage meant to her. Beyond that, excitement thrummed through her. She was
excited
to tell Kevin of how much she'd learned in just an hour. But his car wasn't in the driveway. He wasn't even home.
But for once in a long time, she felt like that was okay.
The sessions continued. And her husband remained absent. Not that she minded anymore.
