Confessions At The Dinner Table

"There's been a Murder!

The Rancher, Big Jake McDake has been found on the steps of his Homestead, the Lazy S-O-B ranch.

You are Miss Clementine De La Fontaine, southern belle and wife of Brewster De La Fontaine, a plantation owner from Mississippi, you were staying at the Lazy S-O-B as guests of the late Big Jake McDake."

Alfie, my husband of five years and partner of eight was still struggling in with the shopping, he dumped a couple of Waitrose Bags for life on the kitchen table and asked what the actual

I was talking about.

I explained. "There's one here for you too. Looks like Toby and Anabelle are having a Murder Mystery dinner party next Friday evening. It's my invitation and character card. I've got some other details here but I'm sworn to secrecy."

I handed over his envelope and flicked through my character card.

I was the much younger wife of wealthy southern gentleman Mr Brewster De La Fontaine, I have a mysterious past but have given my husband no reason to doubt my fidelity or purity in the year that we've been married.

There was a second paragraph outlined in bright red with the instruction

Do not reveal the following information until someone asks you about the incident in Baton Rouge

You and Slick Willy knew each other three years ago when you were a dance hall girl in Louisiana, known as good time Clemmie, you knew each other very well indeed. He had to skip town to escape his gambling debts, breaking your heart and stealing your jewellery. You swore vengeance and hold a deep hatred for him.

You adopted the persona of Miss Clementine when you met Brewster De la Fontaine, surmising that he was ill and would most likely soon leave you a wealthy widow. You received an anonymous letter telling you Slick Willy was in Wyoming and you persuaded Brewster to take you there to the mountains for his health.

Alfie opened his envelope and read out the first card.

"You are Snake Laramie, cattle hand and foreman on the Lazy S-O-B. You have worked for Big Jake McDake since your time together in the Army during the civil war. Your loyalty to Jake is unquestioned."

I pushed him for more, but he refused, "It's underlined in red that I mustn't say any more until the night. You'll find out on Friday, it's only a couple of days away."

That's the difference between us, I want it all NOW NOW NOW, he's the methodical let's do it right type. He says it's the Canadian way and I'm too English. I met him when I lived there for a bit a few years ago.

Friday came around and Snake Laramie, the meanest cowpuncher west of the Pecos and Mrs. Clementine De La Fontaine were in the back of an Uber heading across Bristol. The driver seemed completely un-fazed by Alfie's leather chaps, six gun, boots and Stetson and my balconette dress with frills and a parasol. The dress was boned so my boobs were pushed up and out like a rounded pink double shelf, being a 32 D I felt a bit like a watermelon smuggler but enjoyed the whole dressing up experience and don't really mind the attention.

Toby and Anabelle live in a big four-bedroom place in Failand on the Southwestern side of town, there were four cars outside already. I recognised Toby's Discovery. Being a solicitor, he needs that four-wheel-drive power, you never know when there's a speedbump to negotiate. It was parked beside a red Audi TT with ANB11 as the numberplate. Alongside these two middle class bastions of motoring delight were a Mercedes estate that I think was Pete's and a sleek black three series BMW with Polish plates.

Marek travels between Bristol and Poznan several times a year, I suspect he drives twice a year so he can keep his car registered in Poland and not get busted speeding over here, hence the Polish plates.

We went in, Marek was in a black frock coat, top hat, and stick-on mutton chop whiskers, he had a brown leather bag in his left hand and a glass of Pepsi in his right. He introduced himself as Doktor Helmut Koenig, town physician. Patrycja, I guessed was a saloon girl or a stripper, she was in a tight skimpy blue bustier bodice top with stockings and black cami-knickers going down to four-inch heels. Her black hair framed her face in a mass of curls, her lips were bright scarlet. Despite my watermelons I probably wouldn't be the centre of attention.

By total contrast to Patrycja the woman next to her was dressed in a severe brown tweed two piece, her hair pulled back in a tight bun beneath a bonnet. Steel framed round glasses sat on her nose. The overall pinched effect was ruined slightly when she broke out into a beaming smile and hugged me. "Sophie, how lovely to see you" she exclaimed as we swapped kisses on cheeks. Judy clumped over to Alfie in her sensible buckle-up shoes and gave him a friendly peck on the lips.

We introduced ourselves in character, I adopted a southern belle accent "Ah am truly pleased to meet you. Mah name is Mrs Clementine De La Fontaine. Ah am just waiting for my husband to arrive." Patrycja was Miss Annie Comfort, a dancer from the Wild Kitty saloon. Alfie put on a gruff Texan accent, or as good as he can do for Texan, put out his hand and announced "Snake Laramie, Cow puncher. Tell me miss Annie, are you just a dancer?"

She squealed in delight, "Dancer and let's see where the evening takes us Mr Laramie."

The door to the kitchen opened and Anabelle walked in carrying a tray of nibbles. She was wearing what Alfie later called a 'sexy librarian' outfit. Three-inch black heels, white stockings, a three-quarter length pencil skirt and a silk high necked shirt with a ruffled collar, her hair was in a long brown ponytail, and she had ornamental reading glasses on a chain around her neck.

"Howdy Y'all" she greeted us, "I'm Jane Tennesseeson, Big Jake's Lawyer. I'll be reading the will later. This here's Young Jake. He's Big Jake's son." Young Jake was Toby, her husband. He "Howdy'd" everyone, kissing my and Judy's hands in an exaggerated manner and pulling Patrycja in for a close embrace. "You 'n' me sugar, we'll be gettin' better acquainted later on I hope."

Snake Laramie stepped up, his hand on his six-gun. "We'll let the lady decide fer herself I reckon."

Miss Annie squealed again, "Oh, boys, stop that, there's plenty of me for everyone."

We all chatted away in character and out. I cornered Judy, sorry Miss Verity the schoolmarm.

"Where's Pete? That was his car outside, wasn't it?" Judy nodded, "He's in the kitchen, he didn't want to come out until everyone's here, there's a bit of a dramatic story for him."

I had an inkling who he was, part of my back story had been about Clementine's history with a gambler, and I guessed he was Slick Willy, the itinerant gambler.

Fortunately, there was not too long to wait, the rumble of a powerful engine outside announced the arrival of Kapil's Jag, he and Priya had given Kevin and Lucy a lift so all four arrived together.

Kevin walked in first, looking like Colonel Sanders. I rushed over "Why Brewster mah love, I have missed you so." I gave him a theatrical but passionless hug and kiss on the cheek. Behind him his wife Lucy was dressed in black from head to toe, crying into a black lace hanky. Between sobs she told us "Myrtle McDake, pleased to meet y'all. I just wish the circumstances could be better."

Finally, in walked Priya and Kapil. Priya was dressed in a simple soft buckskin smock dress, her black hair was arranged into a single long, shiny plait, she was wearing brown leather sandals and by the look of how her boobs were moving under her dress, not a whole lot else. Kapil was wearing full native American head dress, a buckskin waistcoat, buckskin trousers, and moccasins.

Miss Clementine had an attack of the vapours and had to be brought a chair. The moment my bum hit the seat the kitchen door opened again and in walked Pete, Judy's husband, and tonight Matthew he was going to be Slick Willy, the riverboat gambler and man that broke Miss Clementine's heart.

He stopped and looked at the assembled group, tipped his hat, stuck a thumb in the pocket of his ornate waistcoat and slowly locked eyes with me.

"Miss Clementine. It's been a long time."

"Not long enough for my liking Slick Willy" I answered haughtily "I heard tell you got ate by a bear in Canada, I guess even Bears have some taste."

Anabelle ushered us all into the dining room where the starter was laid out, she'd kept it simple and sociable with plates of fresh baked crusty stoneground sourdough bread, extra virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar. We tore bits of bread, dipped, and nibbled in a hum of conversation. The wine was flowing, and the conversation was wide ranging, every now and then Anabelle would revert to being Jane Tennesseeson and tell us to reveal the next part of our Character cards.

It turned out that Snake and Big Jake had known Doctor Koenig during the war, Doctor Koenig hinted at some dark past for Miss Verity, so dark that she fainted when it was hinted at, Prairie Flower was Chief Wild Bear's daughter and worked as housekeeper and cook for Big Jake and Myrtle.

Chief Wild Bear was an expert tracker and deputy sheriff in the town of Little Cock, Young Jake had been released from the town jail because the Chief would be there, and he was technically still under arrest. For what we don't yet know.

More wine came round, and our glasses magically topped themselves up, laughter ramped up and we finally finished the bread. Anabelle gathered the plates and announced she would be back with the next course, but it needed cooking right before serving so there would be a short delay.

She declined any offers of assistance and left us to talk. There was one of those sudden silences in the conversation once she'd gone. Patrycja, being Patrycja, gave another one of her trademark squeals. "Oh my god you will not believe what happened on the way over. We were in Marek's car, and we'd forgotten to get any wine to bring, so I made him stop at the 7-11 in Ashton, I hopped out and ran into the shop while he drove round the block. I was standing waiting when a car pulled up and the passenger window wound down. The guy inside leaned over and asked me if I was lost, I said no, I was waiting for someone, then he asked where was I going.

He was a bit creepy looking, you know? Just a bit like he spends all day on the Internet, doesn't have a girlfriend. Nothing scary, just a bit of a loser really. I didn't want to talk to him, so I said I was waiting to get picked up to go to party."

That brought a few more squeals and some wine being sprayed as we all tried not to laugh aloud too much.

Judy pointed over the table and with a visible effort to keep a straight face said, "You were dressed like that, and you told a creepy guy in his car you were waiting to be picked up to go and party."

Patrycja nodded, then added "And I was carrying a bottle of Champagne as well. I'm looking around to see where Marek is when he says, 'how much for a party then?' and I think he meant what time it starts or something and I say 'eight' and he says 'eight hundred? It better be a good all-night party then' and opens the passenger door. I'm no way getting in his fucking car and walk backwards when suddenly he starts up and drives away, real quick. I'm thinkin' maybe Marek is there or something when a cop car pulls up and this girl cop comes over and asks me what my name is and what I'm doin.'

I say, 'I'm waiting for my husband and then we are going to a party, she looks like 'yeah really? Party? Right,' and I say 'yeah, really" when Marek arrives and pulls up. The man cop pulls the 'you can't park there it's double yellow' trick and Marek says, 'you have, and why you talking to my wife?'

The girl cop asks where we are going to, Marek explains we going to party, and he's got the invitation. He shows the man cop, who looks and laughs, girl cop she laughs too, then they say goodnight and enjoy the party, they ask for my name and address if I will be a witness. I say witness for what? Some guy trying to chat me up? No thanks. And we gone. Marek tells me I should take the eight hundred pounds, cheeky bugger."

Laughter rolled round the table; the consensus seemed to be that eight hundred wasn't nearly enough which led to a discussion among the girls about what their price would be. The answers ranged from "A lot more than eight hundred quid" to "Depends what he looked like." I was more on the variable rate depending on looks and what I was expected to do for the money end of the scale.

Alfie seemed intrigued but I blew him a kiss and a promise, "You'd get it all for nothing babe." Which seemed to make him happier.

Judy was surprisingly quiet while all this was going on, normally she's among the first to jump in with a slightly inappropriate comment and I was waiting for something from her, but nothing was forthcoming. I wasn't the only one to notice either, Lucy has known her longest, apart from her husband Pete, and started quizzing her. "Come on Jude, you not got any thoughts on your price to give it up? What if it was Adam Driver or Ewan McGregor?"

Marek gave a hint to his personal fantasies by asking "What if it was both?" which got some shocked gasps.

Judy picked up her wine glass, looked over at Pete and with a smile asked, "What do you think Hun, should we tell what the price was?"

She and Pete were staying over so both had already had a few drinks which, probably explained their reduced inhibitions, but they seemed happy enough, sharing a grin before Pete downed his drink and answered "Yeah, do it."

Suddenly all eyes were on Judy, Toby shouted out to Anabelle "Annie, can you break for a bit, you may not want to miss this." An answering shout came from the kitchen "Give me two minutes, I'm just stirring in the Miso. No, one minute. One minute, nearly there." With that the door burst open and she rushed in with a large steaming bowl, then she turned and was back a moment later with a huge mixed green salad and a bowl of nuts.

"Miso, salmon and mushroom risotto, green salad with mango vinaigrette and pine nuts." Anabelle is without a doubt the finest cook I know, and I will eat her food all day every day, normally when she dishes up it's the main event but today we all just took our plates almost without noticing. Everyone was focussed on Judy.

Patrycja voiced our thoughts. "Well, come on, what you are talking about?"

Judy's a teacher, she works in a secondary school as deputy head of science, the nearest she ever gets to being wild and crazy is voting Liberal Democrat or Green in the local elections. Pete's a Solicitor in the same practice as Toby and a more strait-laced couple you couldn't hope to meet, which made what we heard next all the more surprising.

She held out her wine glass for a refill, Alfie was nearest so did the honours, then with a faraway look on her face she settled deeper into her chair and began.

"It was twenty-two years ago, I was nineteen, I'd gone down to Greece to work on a charter yacht as a steward, basically a waitress in a smart uniform. Six weeks in the sun, working four nights and three days on and off over the summer with every second weekend free. We had a twin bunk I shared with a Dutch girl named Tilly. It was Tilly's third year onboard and she seemed to enjoy it, telling me stories of hundred-dollar tips from some of the high rolling guests.

Most of the guests were great, you'd get one or two with a bad case of attitude but generally it was fine. We mostly got the evenings off when there were no guests aboard, and I usually found myself out with a group from the boat in the local bars and nightclubs, which is where I first met Pete."

Pete took up the story from here, "I was bumming round for a bit, I'd finished Uni, got my degree and was taking a few weeks out to decide on where I went, I had offers from a couple of firms in the city and I decided to get some perspective on the offers by travelling round southern Europe with a backpack and a small tent. I'd picked up some work dishwashing in a hotel in Piraeus and with a couple of hundred euro in my pocket decided to head out to the islands. Judy and I met in a bar, I was smitten and followed her round like a lost puppy." He paused to hold her hand and exchange a brief but loving kiss, then she continued.

"The boat had a two-week booking, a minor member of Saudi Royalty I think, he can't have been top echelon because he'd have had his own boat, but he wanted to live the billionaire lifestyle on millionaire money and rented for a while. We, the girls, were "encouraged" to work in our supplied matching swimsuits and were allowed to sunbathe and hang around the pool when we weren't on duty, ordinarily we were forbidden to mix with the guests.

We'd been out for two nights and were returning to Athens to pick up some more guests when all the girls in the crew were told to attend a party in the main lounge, dressed in our best party gear not our uniform. Tilly seemed extremely excited that this was an opportunity to earn some of those big tips. In my naivety I didn't realise what she meant, and it wasn't until she was dressing for the evening, and I saw her slipping half a dozen condoms in her bag that it clicked what we were supposed to be doing. I ran out of the cabin to find the personnel manager and told her I wasn't about to be anyone's hooker and that I didn't want to go to the party. She told me in no uncertain terms that it was non-negotiable, this was an exceptionally good client, I'd make a lot of money and it would be good for my future prospects if I wanted to come back the following year.

I thought about it for all of thirty seconds and walked off the boat. In fairness to them, they paid me up to the moment I left and so I at least had a hundred euro in my pocket. I found myself at the bottom of the gangplank with my suitcase and no idea what I was going to do next. Fortunately for me Pete had been hanging round the boat in the hopes I'd show up, so he kindly took me down to the hostel he was staying in and got me booked into the girl's dorm for the night.

I had virtually no money and no job, part of the deal with the boat was we got paid low money, but our flights were paid for, as I hadn't worked, I didn't get my flight home. I was determined not to phone home for help and decided to follow Pete, hitching across Europe."

She paused for a refill, everyone was hanging on her words, this was the first time she'd ever talked about anything in her past and it was a revelation hearing her describe their time in Greece.

"About a week after I'd walked off the boat, we were heading down towards Patras to look for work to earn enough to get the ferry to Italy when we were offered a lift in a big limo."

Pete broke in, "It was a Mercedes S class, about a year old, fully loaded. Lovely car."

"Alright we were offered a lift in a Mercedes. The guy driving had businesses in Greece and Italy and was heading over to check in on his empire. The long and short of it was that he offered to pay for our ferry crossing in the morning, and for a hotel that night and would take us to dinner and would throw in two hundred Euro each if...."

She paused, sipping on her wine, and tasting the risotto, "Annie, this is absolutely divine. You've done it again." A clamour "Get on with it" and "Come on Judy" interspersed with "And???" filled the room.

"Where was I, Oh, yes If he could watch us having sex."

I gasped in amazement, but so did most of the others so it disappeared into the overall mix of "What?"

Judy was sitting back with a big smile tucking into her meal. We all wanted to hear more and started firing questions across the table.

"I'm not going into explicit details, but we took him up on it, he got a pre-dinner show and a main event after dinner. He directed a bit but didn't touch either of us."