The priest, a withered man from Martinique whose voice still carries better than the old chapel's speakers, finally tells us to sit down for the last time. All around us, the small parish slumps with relief. Nearly two hours of Christmas mass has worn them down.
I look over at the four Millers, sitting in a well-behaved row. Predictably, my eyes land on Roman's broad shoulders. He's not doing anything special. Just breathing. Looking hot in his Sunday clothes. My chest flutters. I only feel guilty when I stare at his little sister's neck.
Five-year-old me had an absolute meltdown when she couldn't find her new best friend, Paige Miller, at our old church. I somehow convinced my parents to switch over to the tiny, crumbling Catholic parish where we were, by a wide margin, the WASPiest family in the pews.
But it stuck. My parents made friends, laid roots in the community. Mom's tuna casseroles quickly became fixtures of the church's potlucks, and I met Paige's older brother.
Fast forward fifteen years of longing, shameless flirting, a frankly unhinged sexual awakening, and Roman Miller is now my boyfriend. I practically live with him. He's met my friends, and I his.
But none of our families know a thing.
When the priest dismisses us, I quickly kiss my mother's cheek and rush to catch up with Mrs. Miller.
"Maddie! Merry Christmas!" Maria Miller exclaims happily when she spots me, pulling me into a warm hug. I love that woman. She has the same beautiful brown hair and eyes as Roman and Paige, and her lips always curl in that signature Miller smile.
"You look great," she continues, holding me at arm's length to give me the full once-over.
She's right. I do. I'm wearing a conservative blue dress, with no cleavage, the hem falling below the knees. The crisp white collar helps my bare face look less pasty, while a black headband holds my blonde hair back. Strong wholesome holiday girlfriend vibes.
The outfit is part of my four objectives for this Christmas break.
Objective One:
Go from Paige's mildly spoiled best friend to the perfect daughter-in-law in the Millers' mind.
Objective Two:
Make sure Paige doesn't kill me when Roman and I sit her down to tell her we've been dating for the last five months.
Objective Three:
Fuck Roman in his childhood bed.
Objective Four:
Steal my older sister Claudia's beat-up GameCube for Mario Kart dorm nights.
Seeing Mrs. Miller's approving smile,
Objective One
is off to a strong start.
"Thanks, I figured I should try something other than jeans and a T-shirt," I answer politely. I'm glad she's never seen what I wear for a night out with her son.
"That's nice. Need something, hon?"
"So my parents are going to visit relatives," I start, adding just the right amount of sheepishness to my voice, like I don't already know she's going to cave. "And I was wondering if I could spend the afternoon with you guys instead?"
"On Christmas?" Mrs. Miller sounds like it physically hurts her to have to remind me of my daughterly duties. "Won't your parents want you with them?"
"I already checked with them," I say quickly. "And I'd hate to impose, it's just... Paige and I barely get to see each other anymore."
I swear she's about to shed a tear, bless her heart.
She takes my hand and pulls me toward the family car. Standing in front of it, Mr. Miller is smoking a cigarette, waiting for his wife. A few feet away, Paige and Rom are doing their best to pretend the other doesn't exist.
Crap, what happened?
"Look who's joining us for the day," Mrs. Miller announces proudly, like she just surprised her kids with a new puppy.
I try to flash my brightest smile, but the obvious tension between the two most important people in my life takes the wind out of my sails.
Rom looks guilty, Paige downright cold.
"Hey, Maddie," they call in unison.
Chilling.
"I told Paige," Rom whispers hurriedly as we climb into the car.
So much for our carefully crafted plan to gently ease her into our months-long deception.
I'm wedged between them on the backseat. Mr. Miller drives us home while Maria tries to spark the conversation. Paige does a fantastic job of ensuring we don't so much as graze elbows, cramming herself into the door. We get it, you're mad. Jeez.
When I reach for Rom's knee, just a little reassuring touch, he recoils like I shocked him and stiffens against my shoulder.
I take a sideways glance at Paige. She's already watching. Her eyes are locked on my hand, black, sharp, and utterly furious.
I pull it back.
Unaware, Mr. and Mrs. Miller file inside the house when we pull into the driveway, leaving us kids to untangle ourselves from the cramped backseat.
"I've got school work," Paige announces robotically, the first to manage to escape the confines of the car. Even from all the way out there, we can hear the sound of her bedroom door slamming shut.
Roman looks awfully awkward, trying not to touch my thigh as he undoes the weird middle seatbelt. A little ironic for a man who's fucked my ass before.
"What the hell, dude?" I hiss. "What happened?"
To his credit, Roman does look pretty apologetic right now.
"I'm sorry," he explains, offering me his hand to step out of the car.
What a gentleman. A dumb, hot, conflicted gentleman.
"She just asked me if the ride here wasn't too awkward for us after we hooked up this summer. I had to tell her."
Awkward? I blew him in a gas station bathroom.
"Well great job destroying my fifteen year friendship, asshole," despite my harsh words, I can't help squeezing Rom's hand before we pass the front door.
"I'll try to fix," I whisper, before we part ways.
I'm hit with the familiar scent of what used to be my favorite place growing up. So much livelier than my parents' lonely home once my siblings moved out.
A million memories bubble up. Mrs. Miller bringing orange slices to Paige and me as we do homework on her bed. Mr. Miller teaching me PowerPoint and Excel on the living room table. Roman, angrily shutting his door right in my face when I tried to peek at him changing after a shower.
Just good, wholesome family stuff.
I take a deep breath. No point in arguing with Paige right now. I need to stick to the plan. The clatter of dishes and Maria's humming drift in from the kitchen.
"Is there anything I can help with?" I chirp, fully recommitting to
Objective One
.
Mrs. Miller lights up like she's been waiting her whole life for someone to ask her that as she reaches for her apron.
I spend forty minutes chopping vegetables and peeling potatoes. Despite my enthusiasm, Maria clearly does not trust me with anything too sharp or timing-dependent. Still, I only slightly graze my index finger. Small victories.
After a while, she waves me off, and I return to the living room. Rom and his dad are sprawled out on the deep couch, beers resting on their bellies, watching some undecipherable ball game. They'd stopped by the kitchen just long enough to grab their cans. Not once did they offer to help.
When we're married, that kind of behavior won't fly in our home. Especially since Rom is such a better cook than I am. I chalk it up to mental regression from being back at his parents' place for the holidays.
"Which side are we on?" I ask, plopping down next to Roman.
I can see him suppressing his urge to share his beer with me.
"Green and yellow jersey, Mads," Mr. Miller says, never taking his eyes off the screen. "We're not doing great."
After a little while, Maria reappears with a tray and three steaming mugs.
"Homemade eggnog," she says proudly, setting it on the coffee table like a prize. "Go ahead, sweetheart."
Hell yes. I could absolutely get eggnog drunk right now. A refreshing update from the Millers' usual strict no-underage-drinking policy.
"Your parents called," she continues casually. "Their car broke down, so they'll spend the night at your relative's and try to get it towed tomorrow. Roman will set up the blowup mattress for you."
Of course, my parents would call Paige's to tell them about their mishap. Why loop in their adult daughter?
Still, I should go to church more often. God is on my side.
"Where's your sister?" Maria asks Roman as she settles into the armchair, like she gives a crap about her husband's team being decimated live, by the other, purple guys.
Roman hesitates. I can already picture him choking.
"Huh, she said she had some work to do," I offer quickly, saving him from himself.
"On Christmas?" Mr. Miller sounds indignant. "Rom, get her down there. This is family time."
Roman looks like he's walking the plank as he climbs up the stairs. I hear distant, muffled arguing before he returns with Paige.
"You could make an effort and spend some time with us when you're here," Maria says, not unkindly, as Paige slumps onto the couch, as far away from me as possible.
"Take a cue from Rom and Maddie." Mr. Miller adds helpfully.
"There's eggnog," his wife perks up, unable to stay stern for too long.
I pray for the couch to swallow me whole. It does not oblige. Paige's cold stare burns into my crimson cheeks.
===
I pull the cover all the way up to my nose. If Paige's mood was chilly at dinner, her room feels glacial, especially on the thin blowup mattress I outgrew when I was thirteen.
Asking for her spare PJs felt like pulling teeth.
"Paige?" I murmur, like I've done a billion times before. "Are you sleeping?"
"What do you want?" She snaps back.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." I wince, but at least she's talking to me. "About Rom, I mean."
"Don't pretend it was just an omission." Her voice lands in that awful, shaking place between a hiss and a shout. "You lied to me for months. It's been what? A hundred phone calls?"
"I know, and I hate myself for it." I have to fight back tears. "But I was just so scared of what you'd think. Especially if things didn't work out with Rom."
A pillow slams into my head.
"I told you how I felt when you guys first broke up at the lake! And now you're dating him like it's a good idea?"