"Tomorrow I am giving myself permission," she says aloud, attaching an earring to her earlobe. He doesn't hear. Too busy with his thoughts. Anyway, none of his business.
A plan begins to emerge in her mind. Tomorrow. But for now, it's time to make myself pretty, she thinks with some irony. Go through the ritual. Put on the earrings. She holds the other earring up in front of her face, noticing in her make-up table mirror the way the sparkling green and gold of the earring matches the green of her eyes. And provides a contrast to her black hair.
Now for a necklace, here is one that matches the earrings. Oh, yes, this is a part of a set that he gave her for a birthday present many years ago. This is just right.
He enters the room. "You look lovely, my dear."
"Thank you. And you look lovely yourself." And he does, with his nubbly textured suit in browns and beiges, soft and ready to be touched. His shirt and tie in matching shades of chestnut brown. He comes to stand behind her and puts his hands on her shoulders. "We don't really have to go tonight if you don't want to."
"No. It's OK, though I appreciate the thought. We made a promise that we would be there."
"..and of course you have permission to do whatever it is you wanted to do."
The blush starts at her chest and spreads up to her face. "Oh. I didn't think you heard me."
"It's alright. I know you have been so busy lately and I have been even busier. I haven't been as attentive as I should have been. I am truly sorry. I will make it up to you. Don't worry. But you go and do what you want tomorrow. Whatever it is. You don't have to tell me."
She feels the love for him fill her heart. Her heart feels a little creaky letting that love in. Almost stubbornly resisting at first, but slowly opening up. Like a sponge that had been sitting dry upon the kitchen counter, mislaid and unused, slowly absorbing the water when someone grabs it to use it. Yes, it had been a lonely time and yes, she had wanted to blame him for being absent so much, though another part of her understood that he was just following the demands of his job and would have been with her if he could.
"I love you."
"And I love you. We should go to this thing, but we don't have to stay that long. I would love to spend some time with you when we get home."
They are on their way in a taxi. She looks out the window at the holiday goers. New York City is so beautiful at this time of year. Everyone seems happy with rosy cheeks, holding hands, full of anticipation. The taxi stops at a red light and she looks out at the window display in the department store across the street. Actually surprising that she can see this. Usually there is a crowd in front of windows like this but unaccountably this one is free, almost as if someone knew she would come along and needed to see this.
Love at the Holiday Time, it says in sparkly words across the top, written in an artful script with letters that look like whipped cream, with silvery bits of snow on top. The entire display is in reds and silvers. There are little knots of lifelike puppets depicting different kinds of love. A young suitor and his lady love. He holds a heart in front of him, glowing red and silver, as if he could hold his pounding heart outside of his chest. Her cheeks are pink and she stares at him with emotion. A family in their living room joyfully opening presents, the papers and ribbons flying. A winter coat clad man kindly offers a scarf to an old woman begging on the street, offering the love of a stranger. Tears brim in her eyes.
"Look, it's starting to snow!" he says. And it is. This couldn't be more perfect.
She snuggles up next to him in the lumbering taxi.
At the party she is determined to make an effort.
She doesn't have to approach anyone, thank goodness. He does the small talk for them both and when he goes off to get her some eggnog, she is happy to stand by the fireplace and observe. This is a party that they attend every year. Richard and Susan Hammerhill always try to outdo themselves in decorations and fancy foods. She is one of her old friends from her college days. She knows that Susan would not have prepared any of this herself. She never would have had the time with her business and her frantic social life. But Susan has taste and connections, knowing the best caterers and decorators.
"You are positively glowing."
It is Susan in a rare moment of stillness. "Thank you, and you look fantastic yourself."
Susan is wearing a tight fitting sparkly silver dress that reveals her svelte figure, the result of many hard hours of work with a personal trainer, she happens to know. She has dangly silver bell earrings and silvery, but tastefully applied, sparkles on her eyelids. Her bright red lipstick outlines the generous curves of her mouth.
Susan takes her arm and leans toward the fire for warmth. "Who would have thought we would still be here after all these years? And that our lives would be like this?"
"Oh, I don't know. I always had confidence in us. You and I, we were a great team."
"You know, I kind of miss those days. Do you remember how silly we used to be? Do you remember when you and I dressed up as bumble bees for Halloween and went trick or treating at the college president's house? Or those late night pop corn and hot chocolate sessions that went late into the night?"
"I know what you are saying but I wouldn't want to turn back the clock. I was so naïve in those days. I hardly knew how to live in my own skin. I still have trouble stringing a sentence together even on a good day. I am glad of every bit of growing up I have done since then."
