Christian College Sex Comedy

*When I fell to Earth I realized perfection; Earth has everything while Heaven has no Evil*

(Thanks to Frontma for all the grief puts up with on my behalf)

(This starts out a bit chaotic and slow but it does pick up)

(Yes, this tale is supposed to be somewhat humorous and outrageous too. While not always comedic I'd like to think it is mostly a good-natured romp.)

*

It was well past one when I finally had the gang rounded up and headed back out to our rides. It took all of twenty seconds for a buzz-happy Rio to realize that Willa and a now unemployed Belle tagged along. When she did, her look was one of ferocity.

"Oh, hell no!" she snapped, and turned toward the two Warlord ladies. "I'm going to kick your ass."

"Last time I saw you, Bitch, you were half way to the city's sewage system," Belle laughed back. "Want to go the rest of the way?"

Rio surged against Mercy and Barbie Lynn's restraining hands while Willa pulled Belle back, and I ended up in the middle holding them both at bay.

"Calm down Rio, it is cool now," I told my buddy. "Belle, this isn't what you think." Speaking of thinking; I had to think fast to figure a way to turn this situation around. I'd hoped that Rio would be so happy, she'd have let it lie for the night -- silly me.

"Rio, I'd like Belle to give us motorcycle lessons for the trip this summer, and to personally give you self-defense training," I spewed forth my hare-brained idea.

"What the fuck?" questioned Belle.

"Fuck that noise," Rio spat. "I don't need this dink to teach me how to fight." I wasn't sure what a 'dink' was but I doubt it had positive connotations.

"Rio, you haven't picked a martial arts instructor yet and I think Belle's self-taught style would be somewhat attractive to you," I guessed. I had no clue as to Belle's fighting background.

"I'd rather teach a goat how to use a unicycle than teach this moron how to ride a bike," Belle growled.

"I'll pay you fifty dollars an hour per four students," I offered Belle.

"She's a skank," Rio seethed. Belle, on the other hand, seemed to be coming around.

"Fifty bucks-...per four people? What would I have to do?" Belle inquired. She was job hunting after all.

"Teach them how to ride, for starters," Valarie came to my rescue, "plus basic maintenance, road lore, and stuff like that. You'd also have to teach Rio how to not get her ass kicked."

"I keep telling you people, I don't need this bitch," Rio repeated.

"Fine, Rio, but tell me, who is going to be your instructor?" I countered. "It can't be Mercy."

"Want your knife back?" Belle grinned as she reached into her boot and pulled out the butterfly knife Val had given Rio on Thursday.

"I don't know," Rio grumbled, "have you been using it as a sexual aid?"

Belle snorted. "Fuck, with Zane around, who needs one?" Belle smiled wickedly. "Two orgasms in ten minutes at a table on the club floor and that was only with his tongue and fingers."

"He'd have nailed her in the bathroom if it hadn't been for that whole 'no sex' thing," Tawny added.

"I should have stuck with you, Zane," Paige tugged on my arm. "See where you ended up?"

"Who is the ghost?" Belle asked snidely.

"I'm Paige and Zane is with me this weekend," Paige challenged Belle...bad move. Sometimes reactions pull you one way and instincts send you in another. I went with instincts and let events play out. Belle scooped Paige up under each arm and hoisted her up.

"You are what -- 100 pounds? A whole weekend with him and he'd break you in two," Belle observed. "He needs a real woman, not a bit of fluff."

It was time for me to become involved. I reached an arm around Paige's waist and took her weight onto me. Belle was kind enough to let go so I swung Paige up until I was carrying her in my arms. Paige switched her gaze between me and Belle twice, then latched onto me.

"Okay -- I win," Paige announced. "I'm the bit of fluff he comes to again and again, after all."

"You are the freakiest group of people I've ever seen," Hank spoke up. "A sorority president and sisters" (Leigh and Jersey had joined us), "two Warlord bikers, Christian school girls, and a porn star -- no offense, Zane."

"Just another day ending in 'y'," Iona whispered. I caught that zing and snickered.

"No offense taken, Hank," I joked back. "I'd rather have the memories and suffer through the condemnations of those who don't know me than miss out."

"Dude, if you ever need a stand in," Finn added to the joy. He and Ginger had indeed hooked up again, so we were good on that front. Ginger did playfully thump him in the chest though.

"Finn, you are already sleeping on the sofa tonight," Ginger teased. "Would you rather be out on the welcome mat?"

"Thanks for letting us spend the night at your place," Barbie Lynn added to the play.

"What?" Finn squawked. "Oh, come on, Babe." Ginger detached from Finn and wrapped an arm around Barbie Lynn's waist, who reciprocated the gesture.

"Oh, come on, Babe," Ginger mimicked, "We want a little girl time, ya know, one on one." Barbie Lynn turned her head and exchanged a heated kiss with Ginger that decidedly aroused me. I hated to think what Finn was going through.

"Dudes, I'm going down to the river," Finn groaned.

"Wouldn't a cold shower be better and safer?" Leigh asked.

"I'm not going to cool down; I'm going to drown my stupid ass for stepping out on Ginger at the start of the night," Finn sighed. "I deserve this."

"That's what I wanted to hear," Ginger gloated. She gave another quick kiss to Barbie then glided back to Finn. "It's okay, Honey, I forgive you."

"Thanks Babe," Finn kissed her once more.

"You are still sleeping on the sofa when we get home," she announced triumphantly. The lesson here is, if you are ever given a choice between fighting a man or a woman; fight a man. Men beat you up, gloat, then walk away. Women hold grudges -- forever.

"Any advice for our lovelorn?" Willa asked.

"Everything fades, be it fame, passion or possessions -- it all goes to dust and is lost," I said.

"That's rather depressing," Willa noted.

"The exact opposite," I countered. "All you are and will ever be is defined by what you do in the next few seconds of life. That is when you can mark yourself as a hero or a villain."

"I can buy that," Belle mused. "Live for the moment." I could tell Iona was more uncertain about my words so I expanded.

"I am not saying don't plan for the future, but don't live so much for what might be that you ignore what is going on around you right now, because no moment matters less than any other," I added.

"That's my boy: Renaissance warrior-poet with the libido of Ron Jeremy," Rio jibed.

"I like it," Tawny spoke up. "What would it be like to spend the whole weekend, or a whole week, alone with Zane? I wouldn't be bored."

"I wouldn't be able to walk," Barbie Lynn giggled.

"I'd enjoy the education," Paige noted.

"I'd enjoy the peace and quiet," Vivian joked.

"Zane, you have a little bit of a fan club here," Belle smiled.

"Totally unwarranted and undeserved," I sighed.

We arrived at the water tower and we went our separate ways. I'm sure Paige and Iona wanted to talk to me but they both fell asleep within three minutes of getting in the car. I took them up individually to my room and tucked them in before letting a sleeping Jill know we'd made it back and assuring her that we'd make it to church in the morning.

Service and Supper

We weren't feeling terribly chipper when Iona, Paige and I crawled out of bed, but we were conscious, ambulatory, and capable of speech so we passed Aunt Jill's inspection before heading out to church. For Paige, it would be a new experience as she normally spent Sunday morning at FFU's Assembly hall. Fortunately, she would be exploring the experience with Iona.

My class was amusing as always. Somehow, no one had missed the little revolution we'd staged at university and there was varying levels of confusion, disgust, and anger with what 'I'd' done. Yeah, it was my entire fault because I was in the middle of 'God Made Man First' country. Oddly enough, Chris Gilbert stuck it out with me, jumping in on my side when more than two guys ganged up on me verbally.

The second time Chris parried Mr. Coleman's insinuations of my corruption away, the gang gave up and actually got down to the lesson for the week -- the Book of Samuel; namely, King Saul versus the Philistines. The lesson was that God abandons sinners. I hung on to the point that even when he knew he was going to die, Saul led his army out to fight the invaders of his homeland. I doubted any of those guys would know what kind of courage it took to fight a lost cause if the time came.

"Do you make a habit of running off cliffs and into walls," Chris joked with me, then "Whoops, sorry about that -- your parents and all."

"It was mountain climbing," I shrugged, "so don't worry about it. Have a good week?"

"Oh, peachy; I burned down a state park and robbed the Louvre," Chris stated, deadpan.

"Dude," I laughed, "if you are trying to compete with me let me just say 'you win' and end the contest right now. You can have it and the grief that goes with it."

"Does that include the girls?" Chris chuckled. It was odd having a real conversation with a guy nearly my age who had a clue where I was coming from.

My response was overwhelmed by the crush of young ladies around us. What followed was a chorus of 'hey, Zane', 'hey, guy', and Iona and Barbie Lynn adding a 'hi, Chris'.

"Hi there, ladies," and "Hello Barbie Lynn and Iona," followed up Chris. By the way he was looking at Barbie Lynn, I could tell that his perception of her had changed. He wasn't leering but there was a certain sexual curiosity that was new to his gaze.

Barbie Lynn caught Chris' look, smiled, but then cuddled up to me to make the situation clear enough. Chris chuckled and shook his head mirthfully.

"So is McHunky (Chris) part of the group now?" Rio broke through the politeness.

"Chris is not treating me like I'm Caine so I'd hope he'd say yes if you ask him nicely," I answered.

"I would say 'yes,' with the understanding that I'm older than all of you and like to live a slightly more private, video-free, lifestyle," Chris informed us.

"Chris," Rio inquired, "what is the maximum number of girls you would take to bed at one time, and how many would you feel comfortable dating?" I wanted to kill Rio once more, considering we were clearly being overheard as we moved down the hallway leading to the Tabernacle.

"Hmmm," Chris thought it over. "Four in one bed, but I'd only feel comfortable dating one woman at a time. I'm old-fashioned that way."

"That's not a problem," Rio grinned, "old-fashioned we can cure."

"How about we respect different people for their differences, ya nut-job," I cautioned Rio.

Rio's retort was cut off by our entry into the main area of worship. Chris waved good-bye and angled toward the front and his family. With Barbie Lynn in the lead, the rest of us moved to the far side where the FFU crowd sat together. I couldn't find Jill in her regular spot but Iona pointed out she'd joined Mrs. Wellington, the Mayor, Lance, and Felicity on the second pew -- a few steps up in the world.

We'd settled in after the first hymn and Pastor Bill had started the morning greeting when the two main doors to the church slammed open and a black clad woman strode in -- it was Belle. It was also clear that Belle had never been in here before, had no idea where I would be seated, and was overwhelmed by the sheer number of parishioners. I don't think she cared that most of them were staring at her. She had dressed up, right? She had on a black jacket, black t-shirt, black jeans and black boots. She'd taken off her black sunglasses.

I stood up, put two fingers in my mouth the way Heaven had taught me (Orienteering class -- honest) and whistled loudly as I waved her over. Belle's head snapped my way and over she came. By long-standing tradition, Iona sat on one side of me and Rio took the other. This time, Paige had supplanted Iona.

Belle decided that insinuating herself between Paige and I would require a crowbar and some leverage so she sat down on Rio instead. Rio grumbled, squeezed out from under Belle, and sat in Mercy's lap. Bill, with a final glare my way, picked up the service as best he could and droned on. Rio leaned into Belle and licked her cheek as a means of retaliation.

Belle didn't punch Rio, for which I was grateful. I made sure to put a little extra on the collection plate -- for God's sake, not the church's, when the time came around. The sermon was on the Israelites and their forty years of wandering before coming to the Promised Land. I think there was some confusion between myself and most of the flock here on who was the one farthest from the expected destination.

At the end of the service my plan went into motion, with multiple women having a role to play. Oddly, despite this being a criminal endeavor, Belle was the only one close to me not involved. It was good fortune that put her at my side because with so many of the church elders gawking/fearing/lusting after her, they completely missed the real mischief makers.

"Good morning, Rochelle," I greeted the mayor's wife. She turned, smiled at me, then looked over at Belle. "This is Belle..."

"Belle Kennan," Belle finished up for me. I hadn't known her last name.

"I know you," Rochelle was clearly thinking hard. "Did you used to collect golf balls off the greens at the country club years ago? You had a sister. Your father was a groundskeeper."

"That was a while ago," Belle allowed. "Dad fucked it up with his drinking, like he did everything else. My sister, Tara, is now a Sheriff's Deputy around here."

"What do you do?" Rochelle made conversation.

"I'm Zane's...chauffer," Belle answered with a twisted grin. "Actually, I'm giving him and some of his friends motorcycle lessons."

"That sounds promising," Rochelle continued. "Belle, can I have a few moments of Zane's time?" Belle gave me a suspiciously sexy raised eyebrow then went looking for another one of my female set. "Zane, you were right about that matter we discussed. I still don't know what I want to do with the news. Maybe we can discuss it Wednesday night?"

"Absolutely," I nodded.

"By the way, there seems to be a growing suspicion that you are not a very moral person," Rochelle leaned in and whispered to me. "Apparently there is some evidence of you and some other girls..."

"I've never denied it," I told her. "I also believe that no one seems to care that I've foresworn sex for the weekend. I know it is not much by most people's standards but at least I'm trying to see how the other half lives."

"How is that working for you?" Rochelle grinned.

"Abysmally; I've been tackled, jumped on, stacked up in a shower, grappled at a party, and got a lap dance in a club," I groaned.

"You should stay home more often," Rochelle advised.

"I received the tackle, jumping, and the stacking at home, Rochelle," I related. "Maybe I should hide out at your house." Rochelle stared at me and I wasn't sure what to make of that.

"I will see you on Wednesday; take care now," I broke the silence between us. I turned and went over to the gulf of isolation that was Sahara Penny. "Hello, Mrs. Penny. You look incredibly inspirational this morning."

"Hello, Zane," she smiled, her white teeth brightening up her Lebanese features.

"I was thinking that I could do the whole dinner thing with you and William tomorrow night, if that is okay with you," I looked her over.

"Well, you could hardly become more of a pariah," she mused. "I would be glad to cook you a meal."

"Wolves may get hunted but sheep always get eaten," I replied.

"Are you a wolf, Mr. Braxton?" she teased.

"I have to be worthy of your company," I retorted, which she found amusing. "I'll see you," I tacked on before heading toward the main gathering.

I patiently waited for the main group of men to recognize my presence but today they seemed less than willing to. I must have really been a bad boy. I did catch Rio handing off a phone to Iona who was quietly but quickly working away on it. I had to wonder how long it would take for Lance to realize Rio had swiped it from him. Hell, I promised Raven I'd get her those books from George Mason's library and I was going to return his phone to him soon enough.

"Hey, my little Butt-Monkey," Belle taunted me loudly, "are you waiting on this bunch of old fuckers for something?" The conversation stopped and heads turned our way: yay me.

"Mr. Braxton," Pastor Bill snapped in a clipped manner, "when you invite some...person to our church you should consult with me or one of the deacons to see if they are appropriate."

He was pointedly ignoring Belle, which I found to be both rude and unwise as Belle was the most likely person he'd ever meet who would gladly take his underwear waistband and pull it over his head and laugh while she did it.

"I wasn't actually wise enough to invite Ms. Kennan but I should have because I was under the impression this was a House of God. I'll make her tithe if that's what you are worried about," I informed them.

"The appropriateness of you being in this church is also in question," Mayor Wellington brought up.

"How's Phillip?" Belle spoke up with a wicked sneer toward the Mayor; Phillip was one of his sons. "We had a lot of fun in high school. He was good enough to bring me by your house but he never brought me to your church."

"He would have never dated someone like you," the mayor glared at Belle.

"Technically we weren't looking for a relationship," Belle grinned, "but does that big four-poster bed of yours still have that dainty white dust curtain with the roses on it?"

"You are nothing more than a low-down dirty whore like your mother," Mr. Gibson, the county's largest furniture seller, snarled at Belle.

I wasn't sure what her response was because Gibson staggered into Mr. Lieber when I drew my hand back for a slap; everyone got quiet. Yes, I had almost committed assault in front of thirty or so witnesses who hated my guts. Oh, and one of them was a judge.

"Braxton!" Pastor William thundered.

"Hold that thought, Bill," I pointed to the reverend before turning back to Gibson, "Sir, you insulted a lady in my presence, so you can apologize to her or step out with me to the parking lot where we can settle this like men, because I'm morally opposed to causing needless bloodshed in a house of worship."

"That's it, Braxton, you..." Pastor Bill growled.

"Zane!" a different, feminine voice interrupted. "Apologize to Mr. Gibson at once."

"I apologize, Mr. Gibson," I grudgingly stated.

"I should have you arrested," Gibson grumbled.

"And I'll make sure that your little outburst with..." the woman threatened.

"Belle Kennan," Belle studied the newcomer and the girls around her.

"Ms. Kennan goes all over the internet and is flagged with every search engine with your name and the name of your store," Christina finished.

"I'll sue," Gibson fought back.

"And I'll win," Christina kept coming. "This is clearly a First Amendment issue, both speech and religion. Now are we going to play nice and respect our fellow Christians or are we going to collectively forget we are all adults?"

"He is not going to get away with this threat of force," Pastor Bill persisted.

"Pastor Penny, are we truly basing our actions and reaction on what an eighteen-year-old playboy does?" Christina pointed out. "Clearly, leadership is called for, and since you men are the patriarchs of the church, you should be leading Zane in the proper course of action."

"Mr. Gibson," Chris joined in, "maybe Zane could clean up your parking lot one afternoon as penance." I had to be sure he was helping me out here.