Christian College Sex Comedy

*If you make one person happy, you save the World. Make a million people happy and you become a politician*

(Thanks for Fortima's presence fixing so many of my mistaks

(Oddly there is no sex in this chapter; just prepping for the next rollercoaster)

(Yes, this tale is supposed to be somewhat humorous and outrageous too. While not always comedic, I'd like to think it is mostly a good-natured romp.)

Rolling Off the Bottom

I had grabbed a shower around 2:00 so I wasn't really surprised that a dozen feet came running up my steps at 6:15. I was barely able to prop myself up in the bed when Rio came storming in.

"What's up, dude?" she said as she plopped down. "Planning to forgo cleanliness?"

"I showered earlier," I told them. Valerie, Iona, Opal, Brandi and Barbie Lynn all came in and sat around me. Barbie Lynn was the first to clue in that something was off.

"What's wrong, Honey?" she asked with concern.

"My room was raided last night," I answered. It wasn't the total truth but I wasn't sure how I felt about my actions with the Chancellor the night before, much less how my friends would take it.

"Well, you are still here so they didn't find anything, so what is it?" Opal prodded.

"Ladies, can I keep this plan to myself?" I requested.

"Of course," Iona responded. Sadly, she seemed to be the only one who appeared ready to let the situation lie.

"Don't make us get all CSI on your ass," Rio teased. "You know we'll eventually figure it out so you might as well tell us." I studied her for a few seconds.

"I ass-raped the Chancellor in order to get Heaven back," I told her in a dead-even tone. It was an empty joy to see that most of them realized too late they really didn't want to know after all.

"What did she say?" Barbie Lynn came to my rescue. "Are we getting Heaven back?"

"She promised me, and I have reason to believe she'll actually honor it," I replied.

"Well..." Rio finally kicked in, "How was she?"

"Why do you think I took a shower earlier?" I pointed out. "I've never used sex that way and I pray it never happens again."

"Don't beat yourself up over this," Brandi consoled me. "You did say that being young means you get to do stupid shit?" I don't recall using those exact words but still...

"I think we can agree to not talk about this outside of this room," Opal added.

"So do you know of any Thai Sexual Cleansing ritual that will help you get over last night?" Brandi grinned mischievously. I chuckled.

"We'd love to help," Barbie Lynn chimed in.

"Thank you, ladies," I smiled, "but I think I need to get my head on straight before diving back into the pleasurable side of this school. I need to know if I did the right thing or not."

On that cheery note we all began to move toward the stairs and out into the world. In the stairwell Valerie cornered me, put a hand on my chest to impede my progress, and motioned to me that she had something to say.

"From the discussion in the Chancellor's office Monday I get the feeling that Heaven is a girl-guy, shemale, what have you; right?" she started off. I nodded.

"You clearly like girls but you are real close to Heaven; right?" Val continued.

"Yes," I replied.

"So you risked something you love – namely, the pleasure you derive from sex – to save her; right?" she prodded.

"Yes," I sounded curious.

"Then you did the right thing," she concluded. "Zane, I'd kill for the people I love and I imagine you would too. What's death compared to a little rough sex with an evil controlling bitch to get her to release someone as close to you as Heaven appears to be?"

"Thanks, Valerie," I grinned. "My heart knows you are right but it is going to take my mind a while to accept that. I guess I'm over-thinking things."

"Happens to the best of us," Valerie joked, then punched me in the arm. "Let's catch up with the others before Rio does something stupid – okay, does something more stupid than normal."

We were halfway through breakfast when I noted a diminishing of noise from the south entrance of the hall. Being taller than the average female student, I was able to make out the cause of the disturbance. I catapulted out of my seat and raced for the lady at the door; I had the vague impression I wasn't alone.

I rushed up within a few feet of Heaven, who had dropped her bags and looked at me with fear and expectation. I didn't want to overwhelm or embarrass her so I pulled up short to make sure the moment was special. I'm an idiot!! Rio slipped past me, grabbed Heaven's cheeks, and planted a deep kiss full of longing on MY GIRL's lips!!

"Oh, Babycakes, I've missed you so much," Rio panted passionately to Heaven.

"Ah...thanks, Rio," Heaven said, "but if you don't let go of me right now, I'm going to strangle you with your own intestines." Heaven untangled herself from Rio, shot a look my way, then rushed into Christina's arms. Rio smirked at me.

The rest of Christina's crew swarmed around Heaven and rejoiced at her return. I took a step back to give them some room. I did note Chancellor Bass glaring at me from the head table. I looked back to catch sight of Dana Gorman giving me a lopsided grin from the door Heaven had come through, a McDonald's bag in hand.

I missed Heaven's arm slipping through her knot of friends and pulling me in. She pressed her body against me and looked up into my eyes.

"I want you inside of me so bad," she whispered. Why can't a woman look at me and say "I've missed gazing into your eyes" or something romantic like that?

"How about we get Heaven squared away in our room before Assembly?" Christina suggested.

"We'll get her bags," Hope volunteered.

"I'll come too," I joined in, but Chastity quickly put a hand up.

"No, you don't," she smiled. "We'd like Heaven to actually get to Assembly."

"There is no Assembly today," Iona pointed out.

"Great, I can go straight to Zane's room," Heaven beamed.

"I don't think we'll mind the company," Paige announced. I was suddenly left trying to figure out how she'd appeared next to me in this crowd, as well as how my arm ended up around her waist.

"Holy Hell, Paige," I hissed. "You are going to give me a heart attack if you keep that up."

"It isn't worth it unless you pay the price," she teased me. What the hell did that mean, 'pay the price'? Heaven balled up her fists and I was sure blood was about to be spilled.

"Paige, we need to figure out what you are wearing to the party this weekend," Valerie intervened.

"Party?" Paige sounded intrigued. Valerie edged Paige away and the situation defused.

"Heaven, unpack," I began. "Iona, round up the Coach and get her to our place."

"Barbie Lynn, could you and Alice watch over the door to make sure we aren't overwhelmed by non-freshmen?"

Alice had been standing on the periphery and was clearly stunned that I was addressing her in this manner, but still rapidly nodded and looked to Barbie Lynn to gauge her perception of the request. Barbie Lynn gave her 'replacement' a smile and motioned Alice away from the group as well.

"Alright, everyone," Dr. Larson spoke up, "finish breakfast and then back to your rooms. We are still under twenty-four hours of restricted travel so I do not expect to see any of you again until lunch. Please get about your business. Lastly, I expect some of you will be called before the Board of Directors to give testimony or receive a verdict on your status here; make yourself ready and presentable."

"Mr. Braxton," Dr. Topaz Larson fixed me with a deadly eye, "that will require you to remain fully clothed most of the time. Do you understand?"

"Of course, Dr. Larson; I'll do my best," I swore.

"Sweet! That means I get to run around naked!" Rio exalted.

"Ms. Talon, are you taking your anti-psychotic drugs?" Dr. Larson said deadpan.

"Nope; I've been slipping them into the Chancellor's tea," Rio grinned all crazy-like. "Do you think anyone has noticed?"

"If you want to take credit for the past two weeks, by all means do so," Topaz allowed.

"I was looking for a cheap and sleazy way to be despised by everybody..." she began, but I headed her off.

"She'll stay in clothes and we'll make sure that all her pills are changed to suppositories. I know she won't miss any of those," I taunted my friend.

"That may be for the best," Dr. Larson snorted disdainfully, but ruined it with a grin. She turned and strode back to the table. I wasn't sure which one of us the Chancellor hated more; Dr. Larson for keeping order or the rest of us for obeying.

"Okay, I'm going to the bathroom. Heaven, can I hope to see you once you are squared away in your room?" I asked as I hugged her once more and headed away. I knew the questions would come soon enough.

One aspect of a women's college that guys might not appreciate is that there are only stalls in girl's bathrooms, and since FFU has a grand total of two men's rooms on the entire campus (Administration and Athletics), I was always using a female facility. I was about to finish business – the standing-up kind – when my door rattled as someone tried to get in.

"Excuse me?" I inquired.

"Let me in," hissed my visitor. Since I clearly knew the voice, I zipped up and unlatched the door. She pushed in and latched the door behind her before pushing me down and straddling my lap.

"You did..." Heaven kissed me "...something." Kiss, kiss. "Christina says it had to be you who got me back." She went back to kissing me.

"You are my girlfriend, Heaven. I don't know what I wouldn't do for you, Babe," I told her. She nestled into my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"You make me feel so alive, Zane," Heaven related in a soft vulnerable tone.

"Don't get all romantic on me," I teased her between light kisses on her lips. "I've got a whole bottle of Viagra showing up at noon and I need someone to work all that sexual energy out on... and, okay, I missed you." She wiggled into a more snug fit in my lap.

"Did you miss me more than Barbie Lynn – or Paige?" she teased.

"They aren't you," I countered. I ran my right hand between us, worked up her skirt, and began rubbing her package, which was clearly straining against the strap-down. Heaven began moaning, then slowly rolling her body against mine.

"Come on," she panted, "let's have a quickie."

"Can't happen," I whispered. To prove my dedication to my statement, I ran my left hand around her hip, under her skirt, and to her covered butt. I pressed a finger between her butt cheeks until I pressed against her anus. Now I was massaging her front and back.

"Oh, God, you bastard," she sobbed while she rocked back and forth.

"We really need to get going, though," I sighed. "Bass will send someone after us soon enough."

"I – Grrr – I owe you, Zane," Heaven groaned. "You stood by me. Damn, you fought Gorman by yourself for me and somehow you got me back. I know I can be a horrible person but you've always looked past that and saw who I could be."

"I could continue being a jack-ass and say that I looked past your horrible personality to that luscious ass but I think I'd rather remind you that I chose you to be my lover and no one else," I smiled at Heaven.

"Your lover..." she murmured happily. "And you are my bitch," she tacked on that bit from our sexual encounter in the Kappa Sigma closet hardly one week back. We still managed to stand up and get the door open before Ms. Marlowe came in quietly. She frowned at us while we grinned at her, cleaned our hands, and walked past her back to the Dining Hall.

RESTRUCTURING

We sat outside in the hall opposite the main Administrative conference room. There weren't a ton of us; the individual class presidents plus Heaven, Rio and myself. Christina and Rhaine shared the Senior Class spot.

"Drink run," I volunteered. "Who wants what?"

"Zane, if they call for you and you're gone, it will be big trouble," Christina pointed out.

"If I stay here one more minute, I'll strip off my clothes, paint myself blue, and streak across campus," I grinned piratically.

"Sprite," Heaven spoke up. A series of orders followed and I hurried off.

Upon my return, I handed Rhaine (last in line) a Dr. Pepper, which caused her to give me an odd look.

"I didn't ask for..." she began muttering.

"Nah, but I always see you drinking the stuff so I figured you could use one," I told her.

"Ah – thank you," she responded with a cautious smile.

"If it makes you horny then it was my idea too, Rhaine," Rio leaned forward so Rhaine could see her and smiled.

"Is she hormonal, dropped on the head as a child, or what?" Simone Brady asked the group of us. She was the Junior Class President and nominally a Rhaine supporter. She'd asked for and received a Sunkist.

"Tie me up in your room and we'll find out," Rio licked her lips at Simone.

"Isn't that supposed to be the other way around?" Heaven quizzed Rio.

"No; Simone looks like a slow learner and I don't want to scare her off on our first date," Rio leered.

"Now you know what I went through," Rhaine explained to Simone, who sniffed in derision.

"Hey, I don't know this crazy woman at all but even I can tell she's playing with you two," Hannah Cartwright, Sophomore Class President, rolled her eyes.

"How about we all try to remember we are all here to save our school?" Christina interrupted.

The conversation had died down to nothing when Rio nudged me.

"There's this old guy coming down the hallway and he looks like he knows you," she whispered. I looked up and my heart nearly stopped. I'd fucked up even worse than I thought.

"Uncle Josh," I said weakly, as I stood and faced him.

"Dude, I thought you said your family was dead," Rio continued.

"Technically, that would be true," the old man rumbled, "and you would be Rio Talon. I'm Joshua Coppersmith, old family acquaintance and the Braxton family executor."

"The last time I saw you I was being placed on a plane to Thailand," I stated somewhat bitterly.

"It was part of your father's will, Zane. He was my boss and the son of a friend so I owed it to him to trust his judgment concerning his only child," Uncle Josh explained.

"I recall wanting to stay with you," I reminded him. I recalled crying a river of tears, hoping to stay. I actually knew who Josh was, where Tim and Jill were virtual unknowns.

"A normal life is not allowed for everyone," Christina spoke up; "Past battles and all." I hate being beaten with my own words.

"That was one of your father's favorite sayings," Uncle Josh said. "I am glad to see you living by it. Thank you, Ms. Buchanan." She nodded politely.

"Who is this old geezer again?" Rio interjected.

"He was a close personal friend of my grandfather. They turned the company from a tired little mining concern to something a bit more. He mentored my father and they worked side-by-side when granddad died. Now he sort of runs thing until I inherit," I outlined.

"That is somewhat correct but not why I'm here. I could hardly miss the past week's activities here at Freedom Fellowship University. As the child of Victor and Jenna Braxton, I owed it to them both to let Zane sink or swim on his own. As the future head of the corporation I work for, I need to make sure he doesn't end up in prison," Josh clarified.

"Dude," Rio scoffed, then came to my side, "your boy went to jail last week. Where were you then?"

"Ms. Talon, I do not have spies watching his every move. By the time I became aware of the matter, it had been resolved," my pseudo-Uncle responded.

"I seriously suggest you get a 'minder' for Zane," Hannah Cartwright weighed in. "He's a real nutjob." That assessment would have angered me more had I not seen everyone nod in agreement. Instead, I went for the redirect.

"You've been in contact with Aunt Jill?" As far as I knew, Jill despised every aspect of my Dad's life.

"Zane, Jill has never handled more than two hundred dollars her entire life; of course I'm keeping an eye on her – and you," Josh stared at me. "I carefully monitor both yours and her finances."

"Seriously?" Christina asked skeptically. "He bought a warehouse full of furniture and that didn't appear to you to be frivolous?"

"Frivolous would be renting a private jet and a penthouse for a weekend in Las Vegas. Since Zane can't use eight sofas, I made the educated guess he was buying them to help out his dorm mates," Josh countered.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, sir. I'm Rhaine Ritchie, Senior Class President," Rhaine jumped in. "I am curious as to your purpose here. Are you here to take Zane away or are you going to help him stay here?"

"President Presumptive," Heaven growled.

"That's good to know," Josh nodded, "and I'm here to represent the corporation's interests – in this case, avoiding embarrassment to the company's executive branch."

"If you want an embarrassment, you don't need to go any further than Heaven," Rhaine insinuated.

"She's my transgender girlfriend and we have rocking sex," I blurted out to preempt Rhaine. Heaven's eyes flew open; Joshua looked totally nonplussed.

"Did you buy her in a Manila slum?" Josh asked me dryly.

"Aaaahh, no?" I stammered.

"Oh, that's alright, then," Uncle Josh mused. "I mean, once I had to fly a fourteen-year-old Tanzanian princess back to her home and explain to her parents why she and Victor weren't really married." He looked at Heaven, "Besides, she's clearly an adult and we could do far worse with photo opportunities."

"His father dated his share of actresses and models before he settled down and I have every reason to believe Zane will be just as much trouble before some woman steals his heart and reins him in," Uncle Joshua related.

"Too late," Rio snickered, but I cut her off with a painful elbow to the ribs. "Ow!"

"That would be me," Christina stood and declared proudly. Josh looked her over.

"Little lady, I hope you have patience, iron resolve, and the will to exert them both in equal measure," he informed her.

"I am not sure I want him yet," Christina retorted.

"Ah, then you are intelligent as well," Josh smiled.

"Please make sure that if you do marry, you don't murder him until you have a child. Otherwise, the inheritance will be a bear. I like Jill but she comes from a family of nitwits," Josh continued.

"That won't be a problem," Rio grinned evilly. "Zane's adopted a daughter since coming to FFU."

"Iona is not my daughter," I snarled at Rio, "but I could do worse than making her my heir."

Instead of being shocked, Josh rolled his shoulders. "I'll get the paperwork to you next week."

"Are you sure you want to do that to Ms. Beckett?" Christina asked me.

"Who else would be saint enough to deal with Rio if I was gone?" I explained.

"Just for that, you get to wear the ball-gag and restraints next time," Rio warned me.

"Mr. Coppersmith?" an attendant from the Board meeting asked when she poked her head out of the conference room. Her eyes flitted from me to my 'Uncle', locking on him. He nodded and followed her into the room.

"Mmmm, he looks like my first husband," Rio mused.

"I'm sure his wife, children, and grandchildren will take to that without protest," I joked.

"Fine; I'll settle for being his mistress," Rio sulked.

"Okay, I am missing something," Rhaine spoke up. "What is going on, Zane? Now that you know Heaven is a guy, how can the two of you still be going out together? You are not gay."

"Rhaine, I already knew about Heaven before we actually had intercourse, though I admit to being attracted to her before then," I responded.

"But...he's a guy. What do you do?" Rhaine wondered out loud with a quizzical look on her face.

"Rhaine," Christina chimed in, "what kind of sex do you think Zane has been having with all the women he takes to bed? He's not taking their virginity, after all."