Choices

{I am not a writer, I am a doctor. This is just a chronicle of events, for me. Why do I sit here and write this, perhaps even post it to let others know of my weakness?

I don't know why. I just write what I remember, a bit every day. Some of it is fantasy, some of it is real.}

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I heard my ex husband Tom's truck coming up my driveway, for some reason it made me feel nervous. I had made a decision, but during the four hours it took for him to drive up from the coast, I was getting second thoughts.

My plan to greet him at the door naked sounded like fun at the first thought, but then having not seen him for several months made it almost like doing that in front of a stranger.

I found myself caught outside on my sun deck a few months ago by a meter man. I was almost naked, by the time I got inside and away from him I was so turned on I broke a sweat. All I could think of was that I wished Tom was here, I needed to be held and cuddled so badly.

I had told myself that enough was enough, I would not go back to him. But I made the call anyway.

I guess I just was not completely sure of his reaction. Hundreds of times I had been naked with him, married to him twice and twice I had left him. Now here I was, doing exactly what I had told myself I would not.

Letting Tom back into my life.

I stood there waiting for his knock, my body trembling. It wasn't completely from excitement.

I even started slightly when he did knock, then I took a deep breath and put on my best smile and opened the door.

"Hi Sally, what's........" Tom stood there with a surprised look on his face, since I was nude. I struck a pose, one arm up the doorway, one hip swung slightly out. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times.

Then he smiled, that relaxed me as I stood aside to I let him in. Tom was still in blue jeans and a work shirt, he had obviously went directly to his truck and headed out right after my call.

"What's going on, Sally?"

"I was missing you, is all." I stepped up to him and he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me.

"I need a shower." He said, holding me at arm's length and looking me up and down.

I nodded as he took my hand and led me into the bedroom. Then I sat on the bed as he stripped down and went into the bathroom. I almost giggled at the sight of his very white behind, contrasted by the much darker skin from days of work shirtless outside in the sun. He was back out in minutes and sat next to me on the bed, a towel wrapped around his waist.

"We need to talk." He said simply.

"Yes. OK."

"I love you Sally, but I don't know how much of this I can take." His eyes were questioning.

"I didn't mean to...." Was all I got out.

"Well, think about it. You left me and then we get back together, then all of a sudden you were gone again. Now this. What am I supposed to think?" Tom sounded mildly angry, Tom never got angry, that was a surprise.

"I just wanted...I was missing you."

"I gathered that. I miss you too, Sally. I want to be with you, but I don't know what you want."

"I don't know what I want, either. I don't know for sure what you want."

Tom seemed to relax, his arm was around me and he tugged me over close to him.

"Let's just take a few days and talk everything over." He said, kissing me.

Then he leaned me back on the bed, his familiar hands exploring my body. Normally I orgasm easily with Tom, I was finding it a struggle. I finally did something I almost never do.

I faked it. We slept and the next morning I woke up to the sounds of Tom fixing breakfast. I slid on my pajama top and went out to find him busy mixing up some eggs.

"Morning!" He said, looking up at me. I took the cup of coffee he handed me and sipped, sitting at the dining room table. Tom presented one of his nearly always perfect omelettes and joined me.

"So what was that last night?" He asked, finally.

"What was what?"

"You faked that." He was watching my face carefully.

"I could tell." He said, when I didn't answer.

"I was just..nervous, I guess."

"About what?"

"I am not sure, about how you would react, I suppose."

"I see. Have you figured out what you want? What do you want?"

"I think so. I want to be..happy, I want to be in love." Tom just sipped his coffee and waited.

"I want to feel like you love me."

"You know I do."

"Yes, but.."

"I am really sorry about that deal with...Brad. I shouldn't have done that. Opening your blouse while you slept was just for fun...sexy?"

"Well, I guess I made it worse, didn't I?"

"I have to admit you surprised me, I never expected you to just walk back out naked. Poor Brad almost choked." He snorted at that.

"I don't know why I did, I was just upset with you for unbuttoning my blouse right in front of him."

"I'm sorry, I won't do anything like that again."

"OK. Not without asking me, anyway."

Tom blinked at me. "You mean..you might..tease some if I asked? You aren't still upset?" His voice took on a familiar husky tone. Right on cue. I sighed.

"Maybe. It depends on who and when, on my terms." Then I grinned at him.

"I see. I bet you will never cease to surprise me. Are we back together then, are you coming home?"

"I am home." I looked at him pointedly.

"You mean..?

"Yes, if you want to be with me we will live here. I don't like it down there at the ranch."

"So what am I supposed to do with that place?"

"Sell it, run it, hire help. Something. It's paid for, keep it as an investment."

"It's not exactly paid for, I seem to owe you a fortune."

Tom left that afternoon, he was back the next day with his clothes and some other items. I noticed it was a pretty light load. I helped him move his stuff inside and unpack. Then we went out to dinner.

I made a special point of dressing nice and mildly sexy, he looked me up and down with delight in his eyes.

"Well, what do you think?" I asked, doing a little spin to show off the new split skirt and sheer blouse I had purchased. I had on a bra but it was a sports bra which I knew showed off the shape of my breasts nicely. Every step would allow my leg to show nearly all the way to my panties. I could see that Tom liked it.

We had a nice dinner, I was waiting for an opening to tell him all that had happened in the last several months. Finally I asked him point blank if he had dated anyone.

He blushed slightly, then told me he had been seeing a woman. I asked him who.

"Her name is Cindy, she works at the permit office down there. We went out a few times."

"Sleeping with her?"

"Yes, a couple of times. She is nice but...She is a little bit of an airhead."

I nodded at that, of course I should have expected it. Somehow I didn't feel jealous or anything.

"What about you?" Tom asked.

I told him first about the incident with the meter service man, he laughed at that one. It was nothing, the man had surprised me as I lay on my outside deck, wearing just a pair of panties. I think it had embarrassed the man way more than it did me.

Then I told him about Terry, and then Ben. I didn't leave anything out at all. Terry was a rather poor lover, but Ben? Ben was spectacular. I saw once again the look he got when I described it.

"I would have liked it if he had called again, but he didn't. But now you are here of course."

"What happens if he does call sometime?" Tom asked me with a smile.

"I don't know. Maybe? You wouldn't even be upset, would you?"

"Probably not. I always knew you had it in you to be naughty." Tom laughed. I could see he was trying to hide his feelings. I pressed the issue some more.

"You like it when I am naughty, don't you?" He looked at me in surprise, I was still smiling.

"Yes, I do. But I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything you don't want to."

"You don't need to worry about that, Tom, but things just might be different now. We won't have any marriage vows to break."

"Oh, I see. We are going to live in sin, then?" He laughed.

"You could call it that, I have no intention of getting married again. It would probably just make my lawyer happy." I answered with some sarcasm.

"Are we going to be swingers?" Tom got a funny look on his face.

"I hadn't planned on that, I just am not interested in doing anything with someone I don't know."

"I guess I understand that, but what if it is someone you do know?"

"I think the answer is that we will have to just wait and see." I saw the look on his face, Tom was getting excited at just the thought that I might actually do something with someone. Just describing a sexual situation excited him without fail.

That was the one thing, the one part of him I did not fully understand. Coming to terms with that was something I was not sure I could do. But I knew I loved Tom, even if he was that way.

He reached out and stroked my hair and then let his fingers trickle down the side of my face. He knew that the gentle touch always set me off, back at home we made it to the living room and that was as far as we got.

I knew what he wanted when he asked me to talk to him as we made love, so I described the session in my office with the young man. I told him how I had made him bend over, how his hairy ballsack had hung down in sight between his spread legs as I pressed my finger inside, slowly working it back and forth.

Telling Tom about that set me off too. I had come to realize I liked the feeling of power that it gave me over men. In my office, I could do almost anything I wanted to, nearly always a client just followed my instructions. At my request, they would expose themselves, I could touch and look all I liked and they were helpless to resist.

I orgasmed solidly as he thrust at me, then again as he continued. We groaned together, finally I relaxed in that warm feeling as we lay in each other's arms.

"Did that really happen?" He asked me when he rolled over and lay with one elbow propping up his head.

"Yes, just like that."

"Well, it's kind of hot! What would happen if you reached around and just did him?"

"I could end up looking for a job at a convenience store or something." I laughed.

Tom and I settled in, he still left for days at a time and I just went to work. It is strange how just living together with someone is different than being married and living with someone? I felt more in control if that makes any sense at all.

I was also happy again, surrounded by things familiar to me, the noises of the city and people everywhere. The nights Tom was at my house we made sweet love, I got lots of that warm cuddling that I like so much. The lifestyle started to feel..normal again?

It was perhaps a month of so later when the phone rang at the office, my supervisor Cheryl came in to get me.

It was Tom. He told me he needed to bring someone home, they were working on a bid. I thanked him for giving me the heads up, it gave me time to get our spare room ready and plan a dinner.

"Is it anybody I know?" I asked.

"Well, yes. It's Brad, the guy that was out to the other house."

"Oh." I hesitated.

"That's why I called, we can do something else, maybe get them a motel room or something if it will make you uncomfortable?"

"No, it's all right. I will have everything ready."

"Are you sure? I don't want to upset you."

"I won't be upset, Tom." Then it hit me, he said "Them?" So I asked.

"Yes, his girlfriend is coming, Cindy."

"Sure, that's fine."

"OK then. See you tonight, hon." He hung up, I was heading out the door to my van when I remembered that Cindy was the name of the woman Tom had dated while we were seperated. I almost called him back to check on that, but then I decided not to and just went home.

I had everything ready when I heard Tom's truck in the driveway, he came in with Brad and a pretty woman about 35 or so. She was dressed in a simple T-shirt and blue jeans. Her hair was cut in a pageboy style, bleached blonde. Brad acted mildly shy at first, the last time he had seen me I was naked, so I understood. I just acted like everything was normal and he soon seemed to relax.

I showed them one of the spare bedrooms, then headed off to the kitchen to work on dinner.

"Let me give you a hand." Cindy said. She seemed nice, we chatted like women do as we busied ourselves in the kitchen. I slid a tray of steaks I had sliced into strips, baking them on the racks. I added peanut butter just before they were done and glazed that into the meat. Cindy seemed interested in that.

We called the guys in, they were huddled in the living room with papers everywhere working on some estimates. Over dinner Tom explained about the job they were working on, I blinked at the amount of the bid, it would be the largest contract he ever got if they won the job. I knew he needed the job, things had been a little slow, so much so that he had even built a couple of small garages and done some repairs.

Brad told us that some city project for a cable car had opened up property by the river downtown, deals were going on all over the place. There was a really good chance they would get a piece of the action, since Tom's company was one of those prevailing wage outfits now.

I grinned to myself at that, since our first breakup had been the key to the change in the way Tom did business. Tom had tried to put up a struggle over assets, but folded quickly when presented with documents showing unpaid taxes and illegal employees.

We all sat around after dinner and visited, then Brad and Cindy went to bed leaving Tom and I alone.

"Cindy seems nice." I told Tom. He knew I wanted to know.

"Yea, she is the woman I mentioned that I dated a few times." He was watching me for a reaction.

"How did she end up with Brad?" I asked.

"When you and I got back together...Brad just asked her out and they hooked up."

"Oh. Well, they make a cute couple."

"There is something I didn't tell you yet."

"What's that?"

"Brad and I and Cindy, we had..a threesome."

"Oh. I guess you always wanted to try that." I attempted to sound dismissive.

"Actually..several times." Tom said.

"I see." I got up to head for bed.

"Are you mad?" He asked.

"No, not at all. Are you coming?" I slipped off my blouse, tossed it over my shoulder.

"Sally, they might come out." Tom warned.

"So? Brad has already seen me naked!" I laughed, heading for the bedroom. Tom was right behind me. I turned the lights down low in our bedroom, then did a little striptease for Tom as he sat on the bed watching. One of the things I really like to do is tease Tom, it gets him going.

"Maybe I will do this again, out in the living room." I told him as I slid my panties down and off. Tom gasped and reached for me, pressing me back against the bed, his lower body probing at me as I giggled.

That was another of those rare times when I got him going twice in a row. Later, as I began to doze off, I had a vision of Tom and Brad and Cindy all together in the same bed. The last thing I remembered was a vision of Brad leaning over me, he was enormous and erect, sweating. Then I slept solidly.

It's odd how sometimes dreams stay with us, this one was still in my mind when I woke up. I looked at the clock, it was just 5 AM. Tom was sleeping soundly, his breathing coming in soft snores. I lay there and watched him sleep for awhile. Then I heard noises coming from the other room, muffled, so I got up and pulled on a robe.

Brad was pouring himself a cup of coffee when I walked in. He had on just a T-shirt and some shorts. I looked down at his legs, one was steel from just above the knee. It caused him to lift and swing his hip to walk.

"Wow, you are up early!" I said.

"I nearly always wake up around 5, usually I just sit and think and have some coffee. Want a cup?" He asked.

"Sure." I sat at the kitchen table, tugging my robe snugly around me, aware that I was stark naked underneath it. Brad handed me a cup and sat down.

"So do you think you and Tom will get that contract?" I asked, just making conversation.

"Yes, it looks pretty good. We should be about a quarter million under, except for maybe two others. But I think both will be disqualified because they don't have the manpower. Tom has hooked up with a good team, plus my company is doing the drywall. He even has all the material sourced, it's ready to start once we get the go ahead."

That was all a bit french to me, normally Tom was bidding on a single house or addition.

I noticed Brad kept glancing down at the small gap at the top of my robe, I was completely aware of being nude underneath. I felt the beginnings of a little tingle, took a sip of the coffee.

"I hope I didn't shock you too much the last time I saw you." I told him with a grin.

"Oh. That was..amazing! Nobody ever did anything like that, not right in front of me." He blushed slightly, his eyes dropping to the front of my robe and quickly looking away.

"I was pissed off at Tom for unbuttoning my blouse while I was asleep, so I decided to fix him. You were the victim." I laughed.

"I will be your victim any time you like." Brad teased.

I took another sip of my coffee, lifting my elbow slightly to let the robe slip a little bit, to tease him.

It just popped open, my right breast slid out.

"Oops!" I said, tugging it back closed. Brad just sat there grinning.

"You really do look beautiful. Do you work out?" I could sense that Brad was getting bolder now.

"Bicycle. I ride it almost every day."

"That explains why your legs look like that."

I slid the robe off one leg, extended it, tucking the material down between my legs. The calves of my legs really bulge now from riding the bike. Brad glanced down and smiled.

"Wow!" Was all he said, as I slid the robe back into place.

"What happened to your leg?" I asked, curious since I had never heard the story.

"Chainsaw, we were cutting off some beams and one of the new guys was careless. I walked up to him to tell him something just as he turned. They tried to save it but I was cut pretty bad, nearly died. The first try they cut below the knee, but then they had to go farther so I ended up like this."

He reached down and unhooked the leg, peeled down his sock baring the stump. I looked down at it, curious.

"Does it hurt?" I asked.

"All the time, I got used to it."

"I worked with a man about a year or so ago, he lost both arms." I said, thinking of David. I had worked with him when I lived at the coast.

All of that flashed into my mind, the struggle I had had with myself. Then finally breaking the rules and touching him intimately. I had tried to tell myself that it was for him, to help him since he was unable to relieve himself, but the truth? It was for me, one of my moments of weakness.

"You understand, then."

"Yes, I can show you how to ease the pain some for you if you like." I shook my head to clear the thought of David.

"How can you do that?" He was interested now.

"Massage it out, it's called Endorphins. The body releases them and it eases pain naturally, it works sometimes as well as painkillers do." I told him, the doctor in me coming out.

"There are several people on staff at the clinic that do that kind of work."

"Maybe you could massage me sometime?" He asked.

I was preparing to suggest that I do just that when Cindy came in. She was wearing just an oversize T-shirt and was obviously nude underneath too. I had noticed she was small busted, this morning her nipples poked at the cloth, obvious. She looked a little bit...used?

"What's up? Oh, coffee!" She said, heading for the pot. She got a cup and sat down with us.

"We were just talking about natural painkillers." Brad told her. "Sally is a doctor."

"Oh, for your leg." Cindy crossed her legs carelessly, if the T-shirt went any higher there would be no reason to wear it. Then she scooted forward and the tabletop hid her lower body. Brad reached down and pulled on his sock, clipped the leg back on.