China Crisis

This story is partly based on a personal experience (the shitty bit). Wish I had nipped it in the bud early, like Liz did...

Lizabeth sighs deeply.

Should she persevere, or should she just call it off? Then she'll lose the down payment, she realizes, and that's a considerable amount. A waste of money.

Should she grit her teeth after all? If it really becomes an unbearable situation, she can always try to arrange a room of her own, that will cost extra, but that's not really a problem. She suspects that she would be more than willing to part with the money by then.

And China, a dream destination, of her and Henry together, they unfortunately never got around to it, she really doesn't want to miss that.

It has been two and a half years now since she suddenly realized that Henry still wasn't downstairs, despite the fact that she had already called twice that breakfast was ready, and while she knew that he had to be at the office on time for an important meeting.

She had found him in the bathroom, stretched out on the floor. Heart failure, neither of them had had seen that coming, he was always so fit, took good care of himself.

Two and a half years.

A period of grief, depression, anger, ups and downs, and all in an unpredictable order, one moment she thought she got through it, the next she fell back into that bottomless pit of what-ifs, I-miss-you-so-terribly and I-don't-want-to-live-anymore.

But gradually it all leveled off, she can think of him now without immediately bursting into tears, can even laugh when she thinks of his sometimes-strange idiosyncrasies, and the fantastic years they had together, the adventures they shared.

And although she has enough friends and family, who have supported her enormously in the most difficult period of her life, she has recently felt the need for a different kind of human contact, especially intimacy, not necessarily sexual. Alone is but alone, and all three of their children have now left home.

Should she feel guilty about that? Thinking of another man in her house, her bed? While Henry...

No, she decides, everyone grieves in their own way, and needs a certain amount of time, there are no rules for that. And apparently, she's ready for a new phase, her love for Henry will not be any less because of it.

Life goes on, after all, she is only forty-two.

And of course there are enough willing candidates in her neighborhood, she still looks good for her age and she takes good care of her body. The first period after Henry's death she hardly ate and did not much more than sitting around the house, understandable of course, but at a certain point she had recovered. She'd started eating healthy meals again and had begun exercising like before, and now she feels physically as fit as a fiddle again.

As said, life goes on, and Henry would be the last person who wanted her to sit around and waste away, and it wouldn't make him come back anyway.

One of those candidates is her neighbor, Philip, a single fifty-something, and always willing to have a chat, or do an odd job if she asks him. She tries to do as much as possible herself, she's never wanted to be too dependent on a man, but there are things...

Philip had been there for her from the beginning, came by almost every day, to support her in her grief and to help her with anything she asked for.

A very nice man, and a real friend.

But somehow, she always felt an undercurrent, as if it was more than just friendship for him. Something she was not ready for then and actually still does not need now, at least not with him, he's not really her type, despite the fact that he's quite goodlooking. Lately, now that her hormones are slowly starting to play up again, she has sometimes thought whether it might be an idea to just sleep with him once, to get those hormones out of her system.

Not really a good idea, because it would remain a one-night stand as far as she's concerned, and he'll still be her neighbor, she will continue to run into him regularly, and besides, he will probably think that there is more going on, from her side.

And now that she has been out to dinner with him a few times, she will think twice about doing something like that.

A few months ago, he had asked her out, just as friends, and during dinner they started talking about traveling. Lizabeth confessed that she had always wanted to go to China, and Philip immediately enthusiastically responded he also absolutely wanted to visit that country. To be honest, she now doubts the sincerity of that statement.

Before she knew it, they were planning a trip together -- a group trip, mind you -- to China, and at his suggestion they had booked a double room together, because that was a lot cheaper, he had argued, than two separate singles. With two separate beds, by the way, she had insisted on that.

But since booking the trip, something has changed, Philip now comes by every day, sometimes he even waits for her, at her door, when she comes home from work. And he still does odd jobs, but now often without being asked. She had once given him her key, so that he could replace a tap while she was away, and had to go to great lengths to get that key back, it seemed handy to him to have a key to her house, in case of emergencies. In retrospect, that had been a red flag.

Philip recently cut down her entire plum tree instead of removing a few branches hanging over the path -- which she had made an oblique comment about. Also, without being asked, she would easily have gotten those few branches off herself, and they hadn't even really been bothering her.

She'd been furious, but hadn't wanted to say too much about it, after all, he had already done so much for her. Now you have a nice spot for a picnic bench, he'd proudly stated.

But she doesn't need a picnic table, she wants her plums, damn it!

And these were so nice and juicy...

No, he's much too pushy, and apparently insensitive to her signals that it's not mutual.

But, she concludes optimistically, it's not something she cannot handle, she's her own woman, she will bite back when necessary.

So, she grits her teeth, and goes ahead with it.

She quickly puts her worries aside and concentrates on everything that still needs to be done before departure, which is much more fun.

****

Three weeks later she's on the plane with Philip. It's a flight of over nine hours, she has brought her own headphones as a precaution, and under the guise of having difficulty concentrating when there is too much noise around her, she is now reading a -- rather naughty -- novel on her e-reader, thereby suppressing the endless conversation with Philip. Man, that man can talk, he never stops!

A sidelong glance at her traveling companion tells her that he's not happy about it, but that's his problem, she's not his nanny who has to keep him pleasantly occupied, he'll just have to find something to read or a movie to watch.

After arriving at the airport -- an experience in itself, so many formalities and queues -- they are loaded onto a bus and transported to the first hotel.

The first red flag appears at check-in, although she's not really aware of it at that moment. Tour guide Vroni, a smooth young woman who clearly knows how to take care of things, asks them if they need one or two keys. Philip immediately answers: 'One is enough.'

'Er, two would be better,' Liz interrupts, 'otherwise we have to stay together all the time, I don't think that would be such a good idea,' she looks at Philip sweetly.

'Two it is then,' he grumbles, apparently, he cannot think of a counterargument quick enough, but he clearly doesn't like it.

Their room is large and modern, looks clean and tidy, and most importantly: it has two beds, quite a distance apart.

Such a long day of travelling always makes her tired, the restriction of being locked up in a small space, the waiting, sitting, walking and paying attention, she would prefer to dive straight into her bed, luckily, they have already eaten on the plane.

But Philip clearly has other plans.

'Come on, Liz, let's go, we have something to celebrate after all: we are in China! A dream come true!'

Hm, she thinks, that dream was hers with Henry, but okay.

'Philip, I'm just too tired for this, another time, okay?'

'Too tired for a glass of wine? I don't believe you,' Philip keeps insisting, 'come on, you will sleep well on it. Give us a chance to get to know the rest of the group at the same time.'

He has asked her to go with him to the rooftop bar of the hotel, apparently one of the highlights of Beijing.

'Sorry, Philip, you go ahead, say hello to all of them from me, I'm going to bed.' End of discussion, as far as she's concerned.

Does she see him sulking now? Gosh, she didn't know men could do that too, she's never seen Henry do it. But anyway, Henry sensed her a lot better, usually, and accepted a "no" without any problems.

They sit opposite each other, each on a chair, Philip has grabbed her hands, as if he can convince her with that. She resists the urge to pull away, instead she stands up, forcing him to let her go.

Then she turns around and opens her suitcase to get her nightgown out, the next moment she hears the bedroom door slam shut.

Marvelous, she thinks cynically, if this is an indication of how their "living together" is going to go, she's going to have a lot to deal with.

She's lying down just as the door opens again, she turns around: 'Back again?'

'Yes, none of the group was there, it was deserted, apparently they were all already in bed too.'

'Oh. Well, good night!' she says exaggeratedly sleepy, before the verbal diarrhea breaks out again.

'Good night,' Philip says timidly and disappears into the bathroom.

Thank God!

***

The first day, at the airport and in the lobby of the hotel, she only got to meet half of the traveling party, it was all so hectic.

Too bad, because she was particularly curious about the forty-something with the gray-tinged black hair -- wavy and just a little too long -- and the sexy sideburns. And let's not forget the intriguing tattoo on his muscular left upper arm that she caught a glimpse of in passing.

She hopes to be able to rectify that omission during breakfast.

As she enters the dining room, she notices that she has some urgent business to finish first: a much-needed visit to the toilet. Something she would prefer not to do in their room in the presence of Philip, but rather in the shared -- anonymous -- toilets of the hotel. She gestures to Philip, who is of course walking right next to her, that he should get starting breakfast without her.

When she walks back after completing her business, she is suddenly addressed in her home language, Dutch.

'Madam, wait a minute,' she hears behind her in a pleasant baritone, she turns around in surprise.

'Hi,' she says, 'oh, you're from our group, right?' The man nods, it's the attractive forty-something with the sexy sideburns, she sees.

'Yep,' he points to her linen skirt, a mischievous smile appears on his face, 'I just wanted to warn you that you've had a little clothing mishap.' She anxiously feels her skirt, it turns out she didn't pull it down properly, so that her panties are now partly visible.

'Oh, shit,' she mumbles, blushing, quickly fixing the problem.

Something like this never happens to her, she always checks to make sure everything is in place. But she's a bit absent-minded this morning, she realizes, the result of the rather restless night. Her roommate had soon started snoring, so loudly that her earplugs didn't solve anything, and she had regularly slipped out of bed to give him a well-aimed punch so that he turned over and was quiet again for a while. It didn't help much, because the noise started again in no time. Another problem she hadn't seen coming.

But luckily, it had stopped somewhere around three o'clock, who knows why. At least she'd been able to sleep reasonably well for the rest of the night.

'Thank you, my nameless savior,' she sighs, looking at him coquettishly, 'wouldn't want to give the impression that I don't take the norms and values of decency seriously.'

He chuckles and extends his hand.

'Kris, with a K.'

'Nice to meet you, Kris-with-a-K, I'm Lizabeth, but call me Liz, all my friends do.' Only her mother calls her Lizabeth these days.

She sees his eyes light up when he shakes her hand and holds it a little longer than strictly necessary.

'Does that mean I've already been promoted from fellow traveler to friend?' he asks with a cheerful smile.

'Anyone who saves me from an embarrassing situation is my friend,' she laughs.

Philip looks displeased when she and Kris re-enter the breakfast room a little later, both with a big smile on their faces. When she sits down at a separate table with Kris, her roommate is completely pissed off.

Kris catches his expression. 'Shouldn't you be sitting with your husband, by the way?' he asks.

'My- my husband?' She suddenly turns pale.

'Sorry, did I say something wrong?'

'Oh no, no, not at all, it's just, my, uh, my husband passed away, so you touched a nerve there.'

'Oh, I'm so sorry. So, Philip isn't your husband?'

'Philip? No, why?'

'Uh, well, maybe I shouldn't say this, but he does give that impression.'

'What do you mean? Because of his behavior?' It wouldn't surprise her; his possessive attitude can give the wrong impression.

'Not only that,' Kris hesitates for a moment, 'he- he tries to make it clear to everyone he introduces himself to that you're a couple.'

'We're not a couple, and we're not ever going to be,' she says grimly.

'Okay,' he says amused, 'clear. I can't say I mind hearing that.'

'You're quite a flirt, aren't you?' she says, laughing.

'Does that bother you?'

'No,' she says, looking defiantly into his laughing dark brown eyes, 'not at all.'

'Did he really say we're married?' she asks in disbelief a moment later, she still can't believe that Philip would go that far.

'No,' Kris says laughing, 'not exactly, but he did manage to give that impression very convincingly.'

Well, damn it, she thinks to herself, can it get any crazier?

She decides to put this to the test, as soon as the opportunity arises.

'So, Kris, have you been to China before?' she asks to change the subject.

'No, not China yet. But to a whole bunch of other places.'

'Oh?'

'Oh yeah, I love travelling.'

'And always on your own?'

'Yep.'

'Doesn't your girlfriend want to come?' she asks and Kris can't suppress a broad grin, if this isn't a fishing expedition...

'No, she never does.'

'Oh,' she sounds a little disappointed, he notices, 'why not?' she asks.

'If you don't have a girlfriend,' Kris says teasingly, 'then she can't come either.'

She laughs. She's clearly been caught, but now she also knows that Kris is not taken.

Good to know, she can easily get used to his dazzling smile and twinkling eyes.

When the group of travelers is gathering in the lobby after breakfast, she sees two other male forty-somethings from their group standing there talking. They don't look alike, so they're definitely not brothers, she decides, but they don't exactly radiate that they're gay either. Maybe friends.

Let's take a swing, she thinks, time for a test, she walks over to them.

'Hello,' she says kindly and extends her hand, 'I don't think we've met yet.'

'Uh no,' they say simultaneously, the men are a bit hesitant, she thinks, weird.

'I'm Liz.'

'Nick.'

'Ben.'

'Nice to meet you, Nick and Ben. Is this your first time in China?'

Before they can answer, Philip suddenly appears next to her. He throws an arm around her shoulder possessively, she stiffens. This is what Kris means, she thinks.

She has to make short work of that, she decides, demonstratively removing Philip's arm from her shoulder.

'You probably already met Philip?' the men nod, 'Philip is my neighbor.' The intonation is clear: neighbor, and nothing more. She sees the men's eyes grow like saucers and Philip's gaze is worth gold. This is enjoyment, she thinks, a taste of his own medicine.

She will give him the benefit of the doubt one more time, but if he doesn't watch out...

He's already halfway downgraded from friend to neighbor, she hopes he realizes that.

Now that she's at it, she also introduces herself to the rest of the group, trying to make her relationship status clear as subtly as possible, to take the wind out of Philip's sails once and for all.

The group consists of an elderly, but still remarkably energetic man, Victor, almost eighty, also a widower. Since his wife died, he has been travelling as much as possible, he tells her. He wants to spend his money; he has no offspring and doesn't want the government to get his hard-earned money after he dies. Liz thinks it's really cool that this man is still doing all that at his age.

Then there are two couples in their fifties who are travelling together. Nice people, northerners, pleasant and down to earth.

A young couple in their late thirties proudly tell her this is their honeymoon, instead of an expensive wedding they have chosen, against the wishes of their mutual parents, to go all out with a trip through China. A wise choice, as far as Liz is concerned.

Then there's a couple her own age, she had already noticed that they prefer to get away as quickly as possible, not exactly overly social. Their right, she thinks, to each his own.

Then there are a few participants she spoke to briefly the day before:

A mother, Martha, her own age, with an eighteen-year-old son: Manfred.

Two red-haired sisters in their early sixties: Theresa and Debbie, a lively couple, energetic and with an infectious sense of humor. Their husbands stayed at home, so the poor sods finally have some peace and quiet, according to the ladies. The sisters are also a source of information, they have just told her that Nick and Ben are both divorced. And indeed brothers, to her surprise.

There are also two female friends of about thirty-eight, Chantal and Iris, she can't quite get a handle on them, it's as if they feel a bit too good for the rest of the group.

Today's program consists of a visit to the Great Wall of China and the Summer Palace.

Unfortunately, Philip doesn't leave her side again, but Kris also catches up with her regularly, ignoring Philip's deadly stares. She also regularly chats with the two older women, they are particularly nice company, she discovers, especially when they can make fun of Kris, he lets their teasing pass over him without batting an eyelash and teases them back just as hard.

At the end of the day, she still feels wonderfully energetic, although her jaws hurt a bit from laughing so hard and her calves from walking on the Great Wall of China.

During the joint dinner Philip has of course managed to find a place at her side again, but fortunately Vroni is on her other side, a source of entertaining stories about her many travels.

That evening Philip again suggests they go to the bar on the top floor of the hotel together, it's their last evening in this hotel, so according to him they should take advantage of it, it's a unique opportunity.

'Okay,' she agrees immediately.

Philip almost falls off the bed in surprise.

'Great,' he says with a smug smile, 'well, let's go straight away!'

'Wait a minute, let me put on something more appropriate first.' She's still wearing her "tourist clothes" and she would really like to wear her only fancy dress and her heels for a visit to the bar. Philip brightens up when he sees her coming out of the bathroom a while later. But that is short-lived, because as soon as they enter the bar, they are enthusiastically greeted by both Kris, Ben and Nick.

'Hey guys,' they shout, 'come join us!' Philip's face darkens. Damn, she sees him thinking, failed again. She has difficulty stopping herself from bursting out laughing.