Izzy is taking a break from Chicago for a while and seeing what New York has to offer... Please leave your thoughts!
Springtime had returned once again to Chicago. After a long, grueling winter filled with blustery snow and ice, the joy of warm weather and green trees was all around me as I took a power walk through Lincoln Park Zoo. Walking had been my solace as of late, and as I crossed the bridge over Lake Shore Drive that led me to the edge of serene Lake Michigan, a certain sparkle in its blue waters reminded me of a pair of eyes that wouldn't cease to haunt me. I found a bench on which to sit, removed my iPod, and gazed at the scene before me.
I had barely spoken to Josh except in passing, and dealt with him only on a professional level. The day, the moment, the second, I walked in to see him in the midst of an intimate moment with Molly less than forty eight hours after we'd shared a very passionate night together, had broken not just my trust, but my heart. I held it together for the rest of that day only to collapse into a thousand shards of sadness as soon as I walked into my apartment.
I was lucky enough to have my best friend Renee call at the most crucial hour of my breakdown. She rushed to my apartment from her job on the north side of the city to hold my hand. It was exactly what I had needed.
"You know, cherry wine always helps," she said sympathetically. "I know you're hurting, Bells, but is this what you want in a relationship? Someone you can't trust? Someone who can't make up his mind? Do you see the pattern you're falling into again?"
I nodded, smiling as she called me by her favorite nickname- Bells. This was definitely not unlike the man with whom I'd spent over five years of my life, but he was far, far away from my mind at that time. Was I destined to fall for men who would never be able to commit?
This only brought me into yet another onslaught of tears, and as I leaned into the embrace of my best friend while we sipped wine and listened to the greatest hits of the Eighties for comfort, I began to find my strength.
"If Molly is what he wants, then Molly is what he can have," I said sternly, sniffing back the teary residue in my sinuses. "You know me- I can be a cold and heartless bitch when I have to be. He doesn't have to know I'm dying on the inside."
Renee's smile faded as she eyed me with concern. She took my hand in hers.
"Don't be too aloof," she cautioned. "You can't sit here and expect your feelings for him will dissolve over night. He might just come around."
I shook my head at my distant memory of my night from hell, the breeze blowing in off the lake chilling me slightly. I rubbed my hands together to create a little warmth, but it didn't help much. Bringing up that day and my feelings for Josh were simply unpleasant moments that made my heart resonate with echoes of my hurt. Oh, the wounds were still fresh and tender, but I kept on as though nothing bothered me. I made him believe that my world was continuing to turn without him. I smiled, laughed, and acted as though I were a newly improved Isabelle Wilson. If he had the gift of X-Ray vision, he would know otherwise, however. But he didn't, and so he would never get to know what he'd caused. I had too much pride to have anyone feel sorry for me. I would spit on his... and her pity. The biggest punishment I could serve back to both of them was my deafening silence.
He had never bothered to call me and make amends, let alone even explain himself. Oh, I had given him a loud and clear message via text that was surely his cue to stay away- and I do mean, far away. The only reimbursement I had received for my ill-spent time and emotion on him was his gazes... the sad, longing looks from afar... His crystalline blue eyes a mirror of the hurt I knew was in his heart. Did he hurt because he'd injured me, or just feeling sorry for me? Rhetorical, I know. But really, I had hoped, wished he'd bothered to call me, email me. Well, needless to say, it was over, and no matter how much my heart was breaking, and no matter how painful it was to see in my mind's eye their intimate embrace, the tender way he moved the lock of hair from her face, the way she gazed up into his eyes...
It was enough. I angrily stood again, replaced my iPod and began my furious walk. Everyday the pain lessened. Fuck Josh Daniels. I didn't need him.
"And so, Isabelle, it's set then," my boss Victor Bradshaw said with a pleasant finality, his warm green eyes full of favor. "I believe you're the right person to send to New York for this project. The staff of our sister magazine is excited to have you on board for a few months."
Nothing could smear away the smile that seemed to be tattooed to my face right now. Out of the entire staff, Victor was sending me to shadow and write for the New York city branch of The Windy City Times, only their version was called New York Now. The two branches were owned by the same publishing company that had houses both here in Chicago and in Manhattan. He even told me that there was a chance that I could stay on permanently, but he scowled at that.
"You're ordered to return, though, Izzy," he said with a sad smile. "What would we do without you here in Chicago? It wouldn't be the same. Hell, it won't even be the same with you gone for ten weeks as it is! You better do us proud!"
It didn't take long for the word to spread that I was taking a little sabbatical in New York. Honestly, I breathed a gush of relief, thinking that it had come at a crucial time given the tension that ensued between Josh and myself. To hell with Molly. She knew full well the best thing to do was to stay out of my sight. I hardly mourned the loss of her friendship. Josh was another story. Even though he had taken out my heart and crushed it, Renee had been totally right. My feelings hadn't disappeared. Not by a long shot. And it sickened me that they remained.
"So, you're headed to New York later this week, huh?" Josh said cheerily to me, though I read through his façade. It amazed me at how well I could read him. Underneath he was afraid to approach me, but of course he had to play it off. I glanced around and realized the majority of the staff was gone. It was just him and me in the area.
"Yep, my flight leaves at 10 am Friday morning," I said with little emotion in my voice. I barely made eye contact as I rummaged one last time through my desk drawers. I wouldn't see this place again till the beginning of August.
"Are you taking Pixie?" He asked casually.
"No, my cat is staying with Renee," I answered firmly. "No pets allowed in the apartment they're putting me up in."
"Oh," he uttered. "Um, Izzy?"
"Yeah?" I still barely made eye contact. When he didn't respond for nearly ten seconds after that, I finally met his gaze. My heart leapt in my chest as I did so. It killed me. I saw before me the man with whom I'd laughed and shared intimate moments. It seemed so long ago that we were in that delirious place when relationships are new. But, that was all over now.
"Good luck in New York," he said softly, his eyes reflecting the sadness again. Whimsically, I thought that it took a lot of guts to approach me considering I had barely risen above freezing temperature with him. But I continued my frostiness. I just didn't have it in me to treat him any better than that. I was hurting still so, so much.
"Thanks," I said appreciatively, yet coolly, as I lifted my laptop bag onto my shoulder. He stood motionless, his eyes unable to meet mine. I passed by him without a second glance and when I was out of his gaze and earshot, I cried all the way to the El station. I could be soft and vulnerable outside of his radius, and that's exactly what I let myself do.
I stood and watched the goings-on of Chicago whirl around me. It would be a long time before I would gaze upon the picturesque skyline around me... the proud Sears Tower, the intricate Wrigley Building, the busy bridges crossing the Chicago River, the thunder of the El passing by overhead... all pieces that fit together to form the comfort of my home. The pull that the city had on me was so strong that my heart saddened a little when I thought of how long I'd be away. However, I needed to fly away from Josh and all the hurt that surrounded our situation. I had faith that I would return with peace once again in my heart. The distance would do me good. I took in my grand city in daylight once more as I wiped tears from my eyes. The El slowed as it approached my stop and I stepped off. The sense of change was upon me.
