I think it was T.S. Elliot who wrote, "April is the cruelest month" . . . well it is actually March that is the cruelest, because that is when it warms up enough that the co-eds shed their bras and sweatshirts and compete to see who can poke the most nipple through a thin cotton t-shirt during class. I knew I was in trouble when Charlotte, a freshman, was arguing with Mugger, a freshman boy, about "aesthetics" during a session of my freshman seminar. Charlotte quite suddenly asked for my opinion about their dispute, "was Kate moss too thin to be truly beautiful?"
"No, she's pretty," I answered. I mean she is pretty. Maybe not my first choice in supermodel, but nothing to complain about either.
"Guess that means I will have to lose ten pounds to get your attention," Charlotte's reply before turning back to Mugger to make some deeper point about heroin chic.
I got her message loud and clear.
A week later Charlotte appeared at my office during office hours. How lovely. She was quite demure, actually, for her. She wore a dress. Showed lots of leg. No hose. Legs were shaved—I hadn't recalled that she had done that all semester. Her hair was up and she had painted her nails. And she had a question.
"Do you remember my mom?"
I had met her mom, and her, at one of those dog and pony shows that small liberal arts colleges do to attract uncommitted students.
"Of course I do," my reply.
"Mom had me when she was 42. You have got to admit; she is looking good for a woman who is sixty. And she didn't know a lick of English until she married dad. She is French, you know."
I recalled most of that from the dog and pony affair.
"And this is going . .?" my question to Charlotte.
"Just thought you would want to know about my genes and that I spent most of my summers in France while growing up. And they do some things a little differently there."
I had an idea of where this was going. I have seen "Gigi" after all.
She stood up and did a swirl.
"Do I rival Kate yet?" another Charlotte question. And how can it be answered without some bit of doom descending.
"Only if you think Kate is a rival? Has she enrolled in one of my classes?" I went for bit of wit.
"Not that I know of"
"Then I guess you have your answer. Kate's not a rival." Thought I was safe, but then blundered. "So what's the contest?"
"Your eye." She winked, checked her watch, "Ciao, got to run, class…boring history." And she was off.
About three weeks later, near the tail end of the semester, was in the office when an IM crossed my computer.
"What are you doing?" It was from Charlotte. She was in a computer lab. She continued, "Saw you were online. It is Friday and late, why are you still in?"