I was camping and I was bored.
I'd been fishing and hiking and swimming and was pleasantly tired, but it was still early. Far too early to retire for the night.
There were a couple of other camps scattered around. Most of them nearer the facilities area but one had been set up slightly further out. Initially I'd thought mine was the outlying campsite, but these people had found one even further out, screened by some large bushes.
Being a gregarious type, I thought I'd wander over and say hullo, maybe share a beer or two.
Reaching the campsite I found it occupied by two young ladies. They appeared to be in their twenties and were both reasonably attractive. Obviously there'd be nothing to lose by getting acquainted.
"Evening, ladies," I greeted them. "Having fun?"
"Yes, but we don't need any male company. Goodbye," came the quick reply.
It was plain that I'd made an immediate hit, so I started to push my luck a little.
"It's a bit lonely out here away from the main camping grounds. You're not worried about bears in the night?"
"In Australia? Let them come."
"We have snakes. Lots of snakes."
"The camping site is surrounded by a gravel road. Snakes hate crossing gravel so I think we're reasonably safe. Goodbye."
We were still talking. That had to be a good sign.
"Would you like a drink before I go?" I suggested. Mister Smooth, that's me.
"No. Goodbye." Little Miss Stuck-up, that's her.
"If I didn't know it couldn't be so, I'd think you were trying to chase me away," I lamented. "I'm bored. If you're feeling a little bored maybe you'd care for a game of strip poker."
"No. Now go away." She didn't even crack a smile, although her friend did.
Sometimes you have to drop subtle and take a more direct approach.
"It's fortunate that you said no, really. I don't have any cards. Well, as we seem to have ruled out all the pastimes, and you don't want to talk, would either or both of you like to get undressed for a little slap and tickle?"
"If we do," came the dry reply, "it'll be with each other. We're lesbians. Go away."
And if they were lesbians I was a koala sitting up in one of the trees.
"Well, it's been fun, but I've really got to go. No really, I must. If you need me for anything, my camp's just over there."
Defeated, I skulked off to my camp, still bored.
About an hour later I heard voices coming from the girls' camp. Rather angry voices, so I thought I'd wander over and make sure everything was all right.
There were three youths there, aged about nineteen or twenty, trying to put the hard word on the girls, unwilling to accept a no.
"Problem?" I asked, with a very cold edge to my voice. The three lads turned belligerently towards me, looked me over and decided they didn't want any trouble that came in my size.
"No problem," one said "We're just leaving." And they stayed not on the order of their going, as the poet would say.
And the girls fell at my feet crying, "our saviour".
Fat chance.
"We had the situation in hand. There was no need for you to come over."
"What you would have had in your hand very shortly would not have been the situation," I said. "Those boys didn't seem inclined towards taking no for an answer."
"We could have handled them," the girl protested. "We're quite capable of looking after ourselves."
"You'd be a damn sight better off looking after yourselves if you moved your camp nearer the facilities where there are a number of other campers around," I said. "Physically you couldn't even handle a single determined man. You'd be mincemeat if a man moved in on you with intent."
"You worry too much. We both know martial arts. We could have handled those guys if they'd tried to get tough." That girl was determined to make her point.
"Lady," I told her, "if I wanted I could tie you both in knots without raising a sweat. Those three idiots would probably have raised a slight sweat, but they would have taken you if they'd tried. Just be thankful that you've got adult company nearby. I still think you should shift camp somewhere safer."
"Tie us in knots without raising a sweat?" muttered one of the girls sceptically. "I'd love to see you try. I'd enjoy kicking your arrogant ass."
"Really? Would you like to see how easily I can spank yours?" I asked.
"Try it."
So I did. I just stepped forward and picked them both up, one under each arm, and then squeezed slightly. They didn't have time for any martial arts. Nor breath for screaming, after I squished them slightly. I just lowered them to the ground and let them loose, gasping for air but unhurt. Unhurt that is, until I reached over, pulled down a pair of shorts and firmly slapped a pretty little bottom.
I stepped back while the girls sorted themselves out, including the frantic hitching up of one pair of shorts.
For some reason they felt compelled to say some rather nasty things to me. There's just no gratitude in the world today. I just waved goodbye and said I'd be in my camp if they needed me. Were they sure neither of them wanted to come and play for a while?
"I already told you we're lesbians," snarled one of the girls.
"I know, but I didn't believe you then, I don't believe you now, and your nipples don't believe you either," I said, reaching out and flicking a very prominent nipple. It appeared the close contact wrestling had excited both girls slightly, even if they had lost.
Two pairs of arms hastily folded across two nice chests, and two pairs of eyes glared at me.
I waved and left.
Another hour passed and then I heard an indignant squeal from the girls' tent, abruptly cut off. I headed over there again.
