Chapter 3: The end, but a new beginning
This is the third chapter in this series, and although it is a stand-alone story that can be enjoyed on its own, you may want to read Chapter 1 and 2 first, as it gives context to the somewhat peculiar carnal relationship that will unfold.
I thought I had the perfect arrangement: although Anita stuck to her oral sex taboos, as she thought it should be "saved for marriage" (see Chapter 2) she did not tap me emotionally, and left me free to indulge in work and sports. We enjoyed sex with each other, and each other's company, but hardly ever went out on dates together. We met for a quick drink after work once or twice, and once went to the movies together, only to slip out halfway through, because it had a stupid plot, and we jointly decided that we should rather spend the rest of the evening screwing, which we duly did. She jokingly referred to us as being "friends with benefits" and I had to agree - that was exactly what we were.
The next few weeks went by with me occasionally phoning her to come over for dinner, which without exception ended up in bed. At other times, she would phone me to say that she was going out on a date, but that she would drop by later, which she invariably did, and we would enjoy a late-night drink, sometimes a nude swim, and invariably ended up in bed. Sometimes she stayed until the next morning, and at other times, when she had her neighbor babysitting, I took her home in the dead of night.
Anita had one guy at work who was really chasing after her, but she told me that although he was nice enough, she was not really interested in a serious relationship. Early on, I made her promise that she would let me know if she started sleeping with anybody else, or even considered doing so, because I was not interested in a "wet deck". She appeared to be shocked at my choice of words, but did make the promise. In retrospect, this seems shallow and selfish, but at the time, I thought it was perfectly sensible. Although our relationship was casual, and I intended to keep it that way, I was not interested in sharing her with anyone else, and did not want to stand in her way if anything serious should develop between her and her suitor.
Our intermittent trysts were satisfactory, although the initial excitement of discovering each other's bodies had abated, and we seemed to fall into a routine. We both knew what turned the other on, and knew how to press the right buttons. Very comfortable and convenient, I thought.
But then.
She started with sneaky and wily "
I love you
"'s.
One evening, just as I was about to fall asleep with her curled up next to me with her head on my shoulder, she whispered breathlessly "I love you".
I lay stock still, pretending to be asleep. As I lay there, I dissected what had happened: I thought we had a perfect loveless relationship - friends with benefits, if ever there was one, but it appeared as though something in her mind had changed. She wanted more, and she waited for exactly the right moment to introduce this - if I wanted to return the "I love you", I could do so, but she left me the perfect out; If I did not want to return the confession, I could pretend to be asleep (which I did).
This happened twice more, on different occasions, and now I was sure that things had changed. Unless I loved her and said so (or was willing to lie, and pretend that I did by saying it), things were going to have to end.
And end it did, somewhat unexpectedly.
One Saturday morning, returning from the beach, I received a message from her on my answering machine: she was going on a movie date with the guy she worked with, but since she had a free weekend, would I mind if she comes over afterwards to spend the night? I had not seen her for a week, and of course, phoned her back and agreed. I was looking forward to a late evening of delight with this beautiful girl, to be topped off by slow early morning sex on Sunday.
She arrived at my apartment just after eleven, and I could see that she seemed tired. She told me that she felt drained, because she ran a park run that morning, and that she thought that she really should have had an early night. I understood that "early night" meant
no sitting around and chatting, but straight to bed!
She took her usual bath, and I poured her a glass of Chardonnay which I took into the candle lit bathroom (as always, I was prepared!). She told me that she would be out in a minute, but that I should go to bed in the meantime.
As I was looking forward to some delicious sex, I lit a few candles in the bedroom and put on some relaxing spa music to set the mood. I got undressed, and slipped under the covers, waiting for her with my usual semi-erection. She arrived in my bedroom shortly after, looking a little more refreshed after her bath, wearing just a white towel. When she got into bed, having dropped the towel on the floor, she kissed me lightly, but when I returned the kiss, she pulled away. I started rubbing her lower back, which always turned her on, but she gently pushed my arm away with her elbow. I asked her what was wrong, and she said "I'm really tired; I just want to go to sleep, if you would let me". I tried again, slipping my hand in between her thighs, but this time she firmly said "No, I would really just like to sleep", closed her eyes and turned away from me.
Suddenly, something inside me snapped, and I realised, or thought I did, that she was somehow trying to gain something on me. I felt sure that if I lied right then, and told her that I loved her, she would lose her tiredness and jump on me. If I did not do so, I would have to spend the night in bed with a gorgeous naked woman who I was not allowed to touch. Neither option was acceptable, and her perceived attempt to manipulate me made me angry.
I told her "Get dressed, I'm taking you home". She immediately opened her eyes and said something like "Are you serious? Are you chasing me out?". This made me even angrier and I told cruelly her that my home is not her "boarding house" to come and bath and sleep after a date, and if that was her attitude, I did not want her there.
We dressed in silence, and as we walked to the front door of the apartment, I grabbed her beach towel, which had by now been staying in my apartment for midnight swims in the apartment block's heated pool, and handed it to her, saying "don't forget your towel". We rode down the elevator in silence, with her looking at the floor the whole way, lips clenched between her teeth.
As I drove out the basement, she looked in front of her, asking "Is this the end of tonight, or is it the end?". I was still seething, and simply told her "The end". I could see a tear rolling down her right cheek, but chose to ignore it as she wiped her cheeks with the backs of her hands. I dropped her off in front of her apartment block, and as she closed the door, I just said "Bye".
I must admit that I did not spend much time dwelling on Anita. The next week was spent drafting submissions, and `preparing and arguing applications in Court, and I did not have time to spend thinking about her. When I did think about her, it was with a measure of fondness about what was, mixed with some resentment about the things she refused to indulge in, like giving or receiving head, and of course, my perception that she wanted to squeeze me into a loving relationship. My lawyer-head could not countenance this breach of contract: we had an agreement, after all - friends with benefits, and in my mind, if she could not stick to the agreement, she could go on her merry way.
Just after lunch on the Tuesday after the abrupt ending on Saturday, I received a text message from Anita. It is fairly long, but to understand the next chapter(s), I will quote it in full:
"Dear Brian,
I was a little emotional on Saturday night, but having given it much thought, I decided to send you this note. I don't want to use your work email, for obvious reasons, therefore this message. If you don't want anything to do with me any longer, you can just delete it, but I really hope that you will read the whole message before you do so. I really enjoyed our time together, and I am so sorry it ended the way it did. I was stupid, and I am stupid. I was stupid in taking you for granted, and very stupid to think that I could convince you to love me instead of being a friend with benefits by employing little tricks like withholding myself from you, and telling you "no" when my whole body wanted to say "yes". There, I said it, the "L"-word, and that is why I am stupid. (I know you heard it, and I know now why you ignored it). Over the last few days, I realised that you made it clear on that first night when you cooked me dinner that this relationship was to have limits, and I was stupid to think that I could move the borders. I miss you. I wish we could restart, and continue from where we were on Saturday morning. If you let me, I want to be that small part of your life again. I promise to be the person you want me to be. You can let me know what you want me to be, and what you want me to do, and I'll do it. You will never again hear a "no" from me, and that is a firm promise. Just allow me in again.