I had just nodded into sleep a few minutes after midnight when I was awoke with a flash of car lights through my window. I threw my blanket to the floor in a pissed off fit as I grabbed my boxers at the foot of the bed. My wife stirred and asked me who was outside. I didn’t answer.
I swung my front door open to find my sister in law stumbling out of her car. She was twenty and anxiously awaiting the day she became legal, so she could graduate into full blown alcoholism. April walked clumsily to the door, a red haze swimming around her usually vibrant emerald eyes; she clutched a strawberry wine cooler like a life support unit.
“The hell are you doing driving?” I asked.
She didn’t answer, but she walked past me and let herself in. I sat on the couch and prepared myself for her sad reportoire and tales of love gone wrong. I had memorized all of her weepy tales from previous drunken visits she had blessed me with. She had just moved in with the supposed love of her life and the bliss was fastly turning dull.
“Kurt’s being a dickweed.” she said, throwing herself on the couch next to me.
At that point, I decided I would listen. I was all kinds of pissed off for being woke up and it was often fun to fuck with her fragile head.
“Oh now,’ I said. ‘You just don’t understand men.”
“I understand everything, I got y’all figured out.” she said as she pulled from her drink.
“Well, it wouldn’t appear that way at this point.” I told her.
“Where’s my sister?” she demanded.
“Asleep, where she should be.”
“Why would you say that?” she asked.
“Because I don’t want her to wake up and then I get attacked by two men bashing harpies.”
“So that’s what you think I am.” she said.
“You know my opinion of you, so just quit.”
“What is your opinion?”
I told her again. I never kept my opinion secret from her. I thought she was the stuff of trailer park porno films. I wanted to gnaw her milky flesh until she sliced mine with her perfectly manicured nails. I wanted to saturate her socks in honey and suck them until they felt like they had come out of a nuclear powered clothes dryer.
“What would you do right now if you could do anything you wanted to do?” she asked.
“I’ll never tell. I don’t expose my weaknesses. Besides, you’ll just tease.”
“Yeah, okay. Look who’s calling who a tease.” she sneered
“You were in high school, April! Besides, your parents would have squashed my nuts into oblivion.” I told her, trying not to raise my voice.
“Now answer my question.” she demanded.
“I can’t. I’ll have to show you. Outside.”
“I don’t know if I trust you.” she cocked a suspicious eyebrow.
“You have to. Oh wait, I can always just go to bed and leave you out here bored. I got your keys. I promise you’re not going any damn place tonight.”
I saw the horror in her eyes. She was in the throes of drunken bliss and needed a friend, a listener and worshiper. She knew she was pretty much fucked if she made me mad. April then agreed to my terms.
First, I woke my wife. “You’re dumbass little sister is drunker than hell, oddly enough, so I am fixing to go dunk her ass in the pool.”
My wife arose halfway asleep. “Don’t be mean to her.” she pleaded.
I promised I wouldn’t. No, I would never be mean to my dear, sweet, dim-wited sister in law.
Outside was the cheap wading pool I had bought for the summer. Even worse, I installed a lame privacy fence around it. Also, my version of a sun deck and some tropical container plants I had going for the whole Tiki-man/swinger effect.
April damn near fell over the steps to the deck before she lowered herself down and onto her back.
“It’s wild to come out here at night and phisolophize about what’s out there in the stars.” She said.
“That’s philosophise, brainiac.” I told her.
April kicked off her sandals, exposing her perfectly symmetrical violet painted toes. She then performed some sort of a drunken stretch, trying to arch her back and signal her pert boobs to the stars.
“Oh nice.’ I said. ‘I thought this was supposed to be about what I would do.”
