© 2025, All rights reserved -- mimaster
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I hadn't heard from Ann since that Tuesday night call, where she hung up leaving me hard and thinking about her exploring her lesbian side. The thought that my bride-to-be might be a budding bisexual had me flip-flopping back and forth over my feelings about it. I was both scared and excited at the same time.
While the thought of watching her, or even hearing about her with another woman had me sexually charged most of the week, I also had some reservations. I'd already lost one wife to an insatiable urge to fuck any man she saw, and I found that almost too much to overcome. I could only imagine what the hell of losing one to lesbianism might be like. But I rationalized that that was a stupid concern. Ann's love of cock... my cock, made that seem like a very unlikely and preposterous prospect.
As the week wore on, I became more comfortable with the
what ifs
of Ann exploring her feminine sexuality, and less concerned that it would ruin our relationship. What did concern me was that she seemed not only willing, but almost hopeful, that I would occasionally fuck other women at her urging. My real problem wasn't so much with the premise. I'd be lying if I said that didn't at least intrigue me. I didn't feel the need to fuck anyone else but Ann... and I knew I'd never just stray from her. I loved her too much, and I'd been on the other side of that nasty scenario. But
her wanting me to do it? For her, and for us?
That did have me wondering.
But what bothered me about it was that I was almost being told that it was going to be that way. I didn't mind the notion of what she was saying, necessarily. But I wanted our relationship to be one where we'd talk things over, and work our way through them together. The way she'd proposed the whole thing made me skittish. And the fact that I had trouble getting a word in edgewise was frustrating. It was like I was being force fed, and I couldn't say stop for fear that every time I opened my mouth, another spoonful of crap would be shoveled inside.
As for her liking the idea of me being with other women... I really wasn't sure about that. It seemed an odd way to start a marriage. But then again, I had started the last one the way most people supposedly do, and it turned out like a train wreck. Who was I to say that what she was proposing was wrong? And I did like the thought of continuing to be the couple we had become while we were with each other that magical week.
I decided to look at how she was thinking more analytically. The fact was, she was right on almost everything she'd ever done when it came to our relationship. I even kidded her about it; how she was right all the time. And there was one point I knew with absolute certainty that she was correct about; we needed to trust each other, and it started with the area of my brain that had been torched and burned beyond recognition. If I couldn't get my sexual side in order, we didn't stand a chance. And that meant I had to trust her.
Trusting Ann would have been a lot less difficult if we weren't so far apart, and if we talked more. As it was, when I woke up Saturday it had been over three days since she had called. Not knowing her work number or her home number, or what mall she worked at, or the last name of her roommates or their address, all made me feel very isolated. Sure, I could have gone over to her parents house, or called them. But, I had a suspicion that she wanted it the way it was. It was part of the current state of our relationship. And it was part of trusting each other. If I couldn't handle going without talking to her for a couple of days, it proved I was needy and paranoid. I needed to let those emotions go and get them out of my system, and not let them control me.
And thinking about the practical side, with the three hour time difference, and the fact that her work schedule wasn't set like mine, trying to track her down and actually talk would have been almost impossible. I would never know where or when to call... and that likely would have only frustrated me more. My knowing the phone numbers wouldn't have changed that at all.
But as it was, four days without talking to her was a long time, and it was the weekend. Of course, she likely didn't have weekends. Working retail, she logged a lot of hours, and weekends were part of the job. It also didn't help that it was the late eighties. Long before the Internet, or cell phones, or even email. We were engaged in the Stone Age. At least it seemed that way. So, there was the telephone, which I didn't have any numbers for, and snail mail. Of course, I would never say that around Ann's dad, since Marlin worked for the Post Office. But a letter wasn't exactly the best way to communicate. Or... was it?
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I was folding laundry in my room when I heard the back door slam a little after noon.
"Neil, you got a letter. I think it's from Ann!" my mom yelled from the other side of the house. It took everything in my power not to run. In fact, I was running on the inside. But I forced myself to finish folding the laundry first, my stomach churning as I did, trying to force me to move. I was just finishing up when she walked to my door.
"Did you hear me, honey? You got a letter."
"Yeah, I heard you. I was just trying to finish this up."
She put the envelope on top of the clear Plexiglas that covered my stereo turntable and smiled. "You're doing a very good job."
"Folding?" I asked, looking up at her.
"No. Of trying to look disinterested. You could hurt yourself trying to hold your emotions in like that," she said with a chuckle as she left the room.
I sat on my bed and stared at the envelope for the longest time. It was a light lavender, and larger than normal. There was no return address on the front, but there was no doubt it was from Ann. There were three things that made it obvious to me.
First was the California postal mark. That alone was enough, as I didn't really know anyone that far west that would send me a letter. The second clue was her handwriting, which was as beautiful and fluid as she was. As I closed my eyes, I could still see her writing as she kept score at my softball game. I didn't have to be a handwriting expert to know what was written on the envelope was done by her. But the single most defining thing that told me it was from Ann was the fragrance.
She had sprayed her signature perfume on it, and the aroma filled my room. It was like she was with me, and that filled my heart. If she had typed the address, and had it hand delivered, I still would have known instantly that it was from her. Say what you will about email. It's one of the greatest advancements ever imagined in the realm of communication. But it pales in comparison to having a handwritten letter in your hand that is marked with the scent of a woman.
You can feel a letter; the texture of the paper between your fingers, the indentations from the pen into the parchment. In many ways, it's a living, breathing entity, brought to life by the mind and soul of the person that took the time to put their thoughts to stationary with their own hand. It's more personal. It's more intimate. It's from the heart, and that makes it more precious than any sterile email could ever be.
I watched the envelope, looking for the pulsing movement of the heartbeat that it enclosed, because I was sure there was one inside. Or maybe it was my own heart, pounding with excitement as I thought about Ann. More likely, it was a little of both. Even though I'd spoken to her a couple of times since she'd flown back to California, that letter, no matter what was inside, was a piece of her heart. I could feel it, and I suddenly felt connected to her again. I didn't need her phone number, or her address. I needed that little piece of her heart to know she was really, really mine.
Or, it could have been a Dear John letter. I had to open it.