And They Were Roommates...

We're sitting at our bar and you're moping, as usual. I thought that taking you out tonight might cheer you up, but you're sad again. Face buried in your beer, you're a bear of a man. A teddybear of a man, maybe.

"Something something... no girl will want to go home with me... redacted..." I think I hear you say. It's okay, it's Friday night, and maybe we can still lift your spirits.

"Robert." I announce, grandly spinning my bar stool and waving my Old Fashioned wildly. I'm not drunk, mind you, this is just me. And you know that. Which is why you groan.

"What do you want, Puck." You groan. Whatever I'm about to say or do is going to be... extra. It's going to be A Fucking Lot.

"Robert, Robert, Robert... My dear sweet darling, lovely pal Robert..." You grunt and look up.

Slender and long legged, short auburn hair, piercing green eyes, a rakish single hoop in my earlobe-- I am Peter Pan in a crop top and bootyshorts. Queer candy and don't I know it. We're an unlikely duo-- the cuddly giant and the silly fairy. I've pointed it out before-- you're straight, you don't get it. Figures.

"We're Bert and Ernie, baby. Obviously... you're Bert." That was my assessment of the situation when you allowed me to move in-- me and all my plants. Your apartment had a nerdy bachelor's pad feel to it before. And now it feels like someone could actually get laid in it.

"Robert. Can I call you Robert?" You're displeased.

"What. Is. It." What's the damn game. What's my fucking point. Where am I going with this bullshit. Where am I going with this bullshit?

"Robert, there are a lot of beautiful women here tonight. And I, for one, am fucking bored with your whining. No girl will go home with you with that attitude. Not with that fucking energy. It's not fucking energy. You're exhausting. I wouldn't sleep with you and I'll sleep with everyone." You know. I have guests almost every night. You'd be annoyed by the noise, but honestly you're impressed... and turned on... by my stamina.

"She's pretty." I nod towards a woman at a table in the corner. She has pouty lips and box braids put up in a bun on her head. The piercing in her eyebrow makes her look like a punk princess, and the green of her eyeshadow contrasts beautifully against her dark skin. Exactly my type... Oops?

"Or her?" I tip an imaginary hat to the brunette across the bar. She giggles and blushes. You grumble. I'm not helping. God, I'm a shit wingperson. Sorry, Robert.

"Her." I set my sights on the girl who is exactly your type. Exactly your speed. She's engaged in conversation with another woman, so she doesn't even notice us ogling. She's shorter, probably about 5'3; her grey sweater shows off generous curves, and fuck, does her ass look good in those jeans. Her wavy blonde hair hits around shoulder length, and she keeps tucking it behind her ear-- adorable.

"Psst. Robert." I elbow you, trying to get your attention. "Her. C'mon, buddy. She's gorgeous."

You look up and see her. You know I'm right. I'm usually right.

"Gonna talk to her?" I interrupt your reverie.

"Maybe in another drink." You turn back to the bartender and ask for another. More liquid courage, cutie? Sounds more like whiskey dick to me, but you do you, boo. I sigh, and turn back around. I'm here to be your friend, and if we're gonna mope, we're gonna mope. I take another swig of my drink. No performance issues here, friend-- my dicks are detachable and live in a drawer.

"She's really cute, Puck." You mumble under your breath. Not looking at me.

"She is."

"I don't know if she'd talk to me."

"She might."

"What if I say something stupid?" That's something stupid.

"Do you want me to talk to her for you?" I ask, kinda hoping you say yes. She is really cute.

"Would you? Just... introduce me?"

"Of course." I pat your shoulder comfortingly and hop off my stool. I adjust my 'make love not war' crop top and saunter over to her.

"Hi. Excuse me?" I say politely but purposefully interrupting her conversation. "I know this is super random, but I love your sweater." My casual 'just one of the girls' voice is out in full swing.

Her eyes widen. "Thank you!!" She gushes. Damn, she really is adorable.

"... and also, my friend over there..." I point at you. You blush and wave shyly. Dork. "... he thinks you're pretty cute. And I think you're pretty cute too."

Fuck, I don't know why I added that! I blush, realizing that I'm doing it again. The girl you want is going to think I'm hitting on her. "ANYWAY, he was wondering if you might join him for a drink?"

I run my fingers through the back of my short hair and then realize I completely interrupted them. "So, like, we'll be over there if you want to join-- otherwise, have a great night!" I wink and head back your way, raising my hands in a shrug.

"Well, I invited her over here, so we'll see what happens." I down my whiskey and ask for another. I am not paying attention when you poke me.

"Puck. Puuuuuck." You hiss.

"What."

"She's coming over here."

"Okay, cool."

"What do I do."

"Be a person? I don't know-- oh hi!" She sits down next to you. You look at me panicked and I smile over at her. "Thanks for joining us!"

She laughs. It's lower than I expected, a deep vibrant alto. "You guys are weird." You kick me under the bar.

"You don't know the half of it." I grin, "So who are you?"

The husky laugh again. She tells us. Maybe you remember? I forget almost immediately. You make conversation with her and I smile and leave you to it, turning back to my drink and flirting heavily with the bartender.

***

You tap me on the shoulder. "So we're gonna get an Uber... do you want a ride home with us?" You did it! Ugh, I'm so proud of you! Go you!

"Fuck yeah, let's do it." And on the way maybe I'll remember this girl's name... J... Jasmine? Jess?

It's Lila. Oops?

We wait for the Uber outside and I'm impressed that your hand is actually on her ass. My man has moves. Go, Robert. When we get in the car, Lila is forced to sit pressed between us.

I really didn't want to have to sit in the back with you. I wanted y'all to get your space to make out or whatever you wanted to get busy with while I made conversation and pretended nothing was happening with the driver up front. Unfortunately this shared Uber had to take us all the way uptown and there are a number of people in and out of the car.

Lila's thigh is pressed right up against mine. Her hips make a perfect heart shape on the seat between us. I'm literally trying to shove myself into the door to make space for you guys to do... anything, I don't know. As soon as I get home I'm going to make myself scarce, promise. I'm making chitchat with the Uber driver, like always-- trying to let you have time and space. Feel her up, something. That's when I feel her hand on my thigh.

At first I think I'm imagining it... why the fuck would her hand be on my thigh? But when I look down, it is. I slide a look over to you, and you're fucking LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW.

You're taking a girl home and you're looking out the window?!?!?!?!? Robert, this isn't the amateur leagues, goddamn it. Christ. No fucking wonder her hand is on my thigh. I should sleep with her just for this. Honestly, Robert, hold a conversation with the lovely woman-- Lila is so pretty and deserves so much better than to be ignored on the car ride home.

By the time we get uptown, I must know everything there is to know about Lila. Where she went to college, her little sister's name, what she had for breakfast Tuesday.

I'm just making a point, Robert. You've heard me every night, and now that I know what you're working with in the charm department... yikes. I feel like you need to see me in action.

I am NOT a pick-up artist. I really don't want to pick anyone up. Frankly, I'm a very small person-- it would be quite challenging for me to pick up most people.... I'm a hedonist-- I think everyone should be living their most enjoyable and best life, as long as it isn't at the expense of anyone else. And I think you're kind of impeding your own pleasure here, bud. Oh, Robert. This is just... sad? It's sad. You need help, cutie. I wanna help.

We walk into the apartment and I help Lila take off her coat and hang it up. You were going to do that, I'm sure.

"Robert, get Lila a drink, won't you?" You're on it. Wow, you take direction well... just don't have any internal drive to do it. I see.

A drink in her hand, Lila explores our apartment. She examines the clash of styles-- the way you and I have tried to integrate the different parts of our lives.

"I love the plants-- are those yours, Puck?" She asks me.

"Yup."

"And this record player... and fuck! This collection of EPs?" She's flipping through your stacks and I hope you'll say something, but you just look bashful in the corner. The alcohol is hitting you now, and honestly you look tired. Dammit, Robert. Quit while you're ahead with the drinking.

"Robert's. He has great taste in music." I decide to throw you a bone, since no one is going to throw you a boner tonight. You've really screwed yourself over.

Lila wanders over to my bookshelf, marveling at my extensive collection of books on philosophy, physics, biology, linguistics, tarot, and pretty much everything else I've had a passing interest in. She smirks at the bong you and I share-- one of our other common interests.

You yawn. YAWN. My dude, you brought this girl home. Christ, I can't with you.

"Lila, I have a plant wall in my room. Do you want to see?" This is possibly the stupidest line I've ever used to get literally any person into my room in the history of ever. EVER. Under any other circumstances I would definitely be more suave, more direct. But here we are.

"Sure!" She giggles, walking ahead of me down the hallway towards my room.

When we get into my room, I can't even pretend to point at the plant wall before she slams the door closed, and me against it.

Her mouth is hot on mine as she kisses me, her lips are soft and sweet, sticky with lip gloss. Her tongue runs along my teeth, entering my mouth. She moans and I grab her ass. I give in. She came back to our apartment, she might as well have a fun time.

I grab her hair, exposing her neck. Sucking and biting from her collarbone to her ear. Pulling at the lobe with my teeth. Feeling her pulse and the heat radiating from her. She gasps as the trail of hickeys darkens-- oops? I pull the sweater over her head and let it fall to the floor beside us. I push her back towards my bed so that she falls back against it.

My knee edges her thighs apart and I gently push against the wet spot between her legs with my hip, grinding into her. She groans and reaches for me, pulling the shirt over my head and throwing it somewhere in the room. I lean down and kiss the hollow of her neck, feeling her back arch into me, her hot core pushing against my thigh.

Slowly, painstakingly, I kiss between her breasts, looking up at her as I run a finger under the lacy edge of her bra. Her fingers curl in my hair, daring me to kiss underneath the material. I pull it down, exposing the soft pink of her areola. I pull her nipple into my mouth and she moans, then shoves her chest into my mouth, the hand in my hair holding me there. I suck and flick with my pierced tongue, nibbling and drawing patterns, doing whatever it takes to make her moan louder and louder.

My hands hold her under me-- one on her hip, teasingly rubbing at the skin just under the top of her jeans, the other slides up her back, reaching for the clasp to her bra. Upon realizing, she lifts her chest to help and I undo the clasp. I use my teeth to pull the bra away from her shoulders, then pull it the rest of the way off and fling it away behind me.

Once free, I take my hand and gently cup her breasts. Then less gently. She moans under my touch, raking her nails down my back. I slowly kiss and bite lower, down her soft stomach, her hips. Undoing the button of her jeans with my teeth. She lifts her hips to allow me to slide the jeans down, exposing a grey cotton thong, the crotch of which is completely soaked through.

I kiss over her soft mound, breathing her in. Imagining how she tastes. I slide her panties down and she spreads her legs. She's beautiful.

I gently kiss her thighs, slowly teasing her and feeling her twitch as I get closer and closer to her cunt. Then I press into her with my tongue, tasting her and feeling her gasp as I lick and suck along her soaked lips. My tongue piercing flicking against her clit. Feeling her, feeling what makes her body respond, leaning into every movement that makes her arch her back more, scream louder, pull my hair harder. I draw circles around her clit slowly and move my tongue faster and faster as she moans. I can feel her pulse against my lips. She starts to whine and I can feel the first wave of orgasm beginning to rise in her.

That's when the door opens. Lila sits up. I don't stop eating her out, grabbing her thighs and pulling her towards me, my face deep between her legs.

"Robert." She says. Looking right at you. And I'm sure all you can stare at are her perfect tits, her bare legs, and my red hair right between them. Kneeling, still in my jeans, worshipping at the cunt of this perfect goddess.

"What... are you doing?" I don't look up. Lila avoids the question.

"Robert, would you get us some water, please?" The door slowly closes.

I continue eating Lila's pussy, and when she asks for a finger I don't hesitate to add one. She is so wet. Her walls clench around me as I ease my finger in and out of her, making slow come-hither movements against her g-spot. The second and the third fingers soon follow. She continues moaning and gasping, her chest heaving. Her voice is high and loud as she cums on my fingers, my tongue on her clit. She pulls me deeper against her, cumming again and again and arching back on my bed.

She's still breathing heavily, her legs over mine, me lying next to her, when you come in again. You're stunned into silence. You hand us the water and retreat to the door.

We both bite our lips, trying not to laugh at the tent in your pants. Were you listening at the door, Robert? Did you wait until we were done to come in? How badly did you want to play too?

Lila and I smile at you, waiting. You're about to leave, to go back to your room. Are you waiting for permission? To go or to stay?

"Do you need something?" I ask. We're going to need to have a roommate talk about this later.

"Um..."

"Do you want to have a seat?"

You look startled as I gesture to the large wingback chair in the corner. You quickly shuffle over to it, skeptical, as if this part is the joke and we'll quickly throw you out again.

Lila lays back on my bed and you can see the wet spot from where you sit. You can see all of her naked body too. The naked body I've been fucking, not you.

I kneel on the other side of the bed, getting something out, stripping, putting it on, rolling on a condom. When I come back around the bed, I'm wearing a leather strap-on harness with a large purple cock. Now you understand why we asked you to stay.

You watch me curl my finger, encouraging Lila to come over to me.

This is a show now. Fun for us, not for you. This is going to be excruciating. None of this is for your pleasure. None of this is for you. It's for her. For me. For us. And you'll sit and watch. Watch me fuck her better than you can. Watch me make her cum and enjoy it. Not you.

She twines her arms around my neck and I grab her ass, making sure that you can see it jiggle in my hands. She kisses me long and slow and deep and then sensuously turns around, bending over, looking you in the eye. I can't help but do the same. I line my cock up with her soaking wet slit and slowly slide into her.

This is entirely for her. I can't feel this. I can only enjoy the reactions to the sensations it gives HER.

She moans as I enter her. I ease into her gently, watching for her response, slapping her ass. Feeling her move underneath me. I continue to fuck her, slowly grinding into her. Reaching around and playing with her clit, moving my hips to get more and more of my cock inside of her. She puts her face on her elbows and closes her eyes. I push against her, kissing her neck and back. My hips buck into her while I work her clit, feeling for the spot that makes her stop thinking entirely. I can feel her start to pulse against my fingers, and I continue fucking her. Focusing only on her and what makes her feel good. You cease to exist-- everything is about her.

She screams my name when she cums. That's when I remember you're there. I see you. You're horrified, aroused. I can see your boner from here. You haven't even tried to touch yourself.

I pull out of her slowly and she collapses on the bed, completely spent. I bend over her and kiss her softly-- "You did so good, that was amazing, thank you." I take the harness off, throwing away the condom and wiping down the dildo before putting it back with the others. I grab the water from the nightstand and offer it to Lila, before showing her where the bathroom is.

I come back and you're still stunned, still sitting in the chair. You still haven't touched your boner, which is slowly wilting.

"Robert..." I don't know what to say. Sorry I fucked her? You're welcome for the show? I hope you learned something?

"We'll talk tomorrow, Robert. Go to bed."