A special thanks to editor JapleinViera for his time and insight.
All persons and characters featured in this story are 18 years or older. Please do not copy, reuse, or reproduce without explicit written permission of the author.
*********
July 6
We fucked for the first time last night. I didn't see it coming so fast. This morning I told A I wanted him to use me. "Yes, I'll use you," he said.
July 21
I begged him to tie me up and blindfold me yesterday, but he wouldn't do it. Every time we hang out in his room it's all I can see. At the head of the bed... a thick black boat cleat.
He says nothing but I know it's because he doesn't want that to be the reason we're together. I hate that he talks about how he used it, and the expensive linen rope, on his last girlfriend... but wouldn't use it for me.
July 25
Last night he said, "Eventually we would have to be apart, and soon. But you're crazy about me, aren't you."
I don't know why I started crying. I couldn't stop. He kept asking me what was wrong, but how could I tell him? I couldn't tell him that I actually despised him. I couldn't tell him that I despised myself even more for thinking that I felt otherwise.
Brooklyn
Aug 28
Eyes sullen, Aiko leafed through the pages of her leather-bound journal, then shut it.
The sound of teenagers bantering drifted in through the second floor window of her parents' Brooklyn brownstone. She released a shallow sigh from her lungs and eyed the full suitcase lying open next to her on the bed. Sitting up a little straighter, she reached beneath a thick pile of neatly folded shirts and tugged out her one triumph from Japan. She turned the bottle carefully in her palms, feeling its heft, inspecting its beautifully painted blue and white porcelain surface. She tipped it ever so slightly and savored the sound of its liquid contents gurgling and shifting shape against the inner contours of its neck. With a practiced gesture she circled the cap with her left hand, bracing herself for the sweet, pungent aroma.
***
The next evening, Aiko stood the empty bottle neatly next to the trash bin.
What a waste,
she thought of its pretty shape and color.
If it weren't a gift from him I'd take it with me.
She ran her face under the cold tap in the bathroom, then dried off on a white towel as she watched herself in the mirror. She seemed pale, sallow somehow.
"Aiko, where you going?" her mother called out from the kitchen as she padded downstairs and towards the front door.
"I'm going to go see Hannah," she said, stepping into pair of bright yellow flats, "I'll be home for dinner, don't worry."
"Okay, don't forget. I'm making your favorite tonight."
Through the glass of the front door, the shady street was captured and distorted in a series of swirling circles. Aiko opened it with a loud creak and glided down the steps towards the sidewalk.
*
Three avenues away, Hannah's door swung open. She was almost shaking, her face brimming with joy.
"Aiko! Oh my god!" She flung her arms around Aiko, heaving a satisfied sigh. "It's been too long, lady."
Aiko returned her embrace in full, taking in her familiar scent. Hannah's wispy brown hair tickled her nose.
"I know, I've been totally MIA."
"Yeah, for like a hundred years!" Hannah stood back to appraise her. She could hardly stand still.
"More like two," Aiko said matter-of-factly.
"Two, ten, whatever. It was forever." Hannah motioned wildly, "Come in!"
Aiko stepped tentatively into the hallway of a house she had spent a good deal of her teenage years in. Its subtle musty scents and woody odors took her back to a time that was hardly past, yet felt like ages ago. She fought back a sudden and unexpected rush of tears.
"How long are you back in town for?"
She looked behind her into the soft shadows of the narrow hallway, finding Hannah's silhouette moving towards her.
"Five days. Then I go back to Providence."
"Five days?!"
"Yeah, I just came back too late from Kyoto. And school starts in a week," Aiko replied lamely.
Hannah gently escorted her out of the hallway, past the living room and into a modest but elegantly lit kitchenette.
"Well, at least I can come visit you. You won't be a twenty hour flight away," she laughed. "Let me fix you a drink. You want sangria?"
*
Most sangrias don't come with ice, but Hannah's did. The cubes were now melting at the bottom of her and Aiko's glasses.
"You know, I sort of don't get why you were so fixated on Japan that you had to stay an extra year," Hannah remarked, pulling a tupperware box full of cut watermelon out of the fridge. "I mean, aren't there a ton of awesome photo programs and internships here in the city?"
"There are..." Aiko shifted her weight against the counter. "I just wanted to see other cities. That's not so hard to understand."
"I guess," Hannah said. "Maybe it's different because I haven't been in the city as long as you have."
She pulled the lid off the container and produced two forks.
Aiko watched her silently.
Practical, thoughtful Hannah.
Hannah's family was too closely knit for any of its members to stay far apart for too long.
"I bet it's a boy," she said suddenly. Aiko flinched.
Hannah looked back at her, lips cocked in a half-grin. "I know you. It's a boy."
She was still momentarily stunned.
"Come on, out with it." Hannah stabbed at a chunk of melon. "I know you well enough to know you wouldn't tell me unless I asked."
Exhaling softly, Aiko wrung her hands. "I did meet a guy out there..."
Hannah popped the melon into her mouth, not even looking at her. A brief silence passed between them.
"He was from Finland," Aiko continued. "The foreign exchange students just sort of hung together, you know. And we hit it off pretty early in the semester. I didn't think he was hot, initially. I didn't really think much of him. But then..."
"Then..." Hannah trailed off for her.
"He also did some photography, but mostly video... When I got to know him better, he just— I just— I can't really talk about him right now."
"It didn't end well?"
"No. Not at all."
"Well... how did it end?"
Aiko struggled to find words out of the ocean of novels she'd already written in her mind about the breakup. She failed miserably.
They heard the front door of Hannah's house click open—then shut. The sound of heavy footsteps reverberated in the hallway.
Hannah's younger brother strolled into the kitchen, eyes never leaving Aiko's face. His short dark hair was matted against his head, shiny and damp. He walked with a swagger that can only ever be observed in a teenager.
"Hey, Aiko," was all he said. She thought she could almost see him holding back a grin. Or a grimace?
Ignoring Hannah altogether, he yanked open the fridge door, a dusty basketball still tucked between his hip and other hand. After several seconds of burying his face in the fridge, he resurfaced with a mostly empty jug of milk. He flicked off the plastic lid with his thumb and drained what was left of its contents down his throat. Aiko detected a hot blush spreading furiously all over his sweat-slicked face.
"Hey, Paul," she said as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Been a while, huh?"
He nodded, finally darting a furtive glance at his sister.
"What are you doing these days, playing football?" Aiko stared pointedly at his thick biceps. He had rolled up the sleeves of his black t-shirt. He was hardly what she remembered from senior year. Sophomore Paul had been a lanky, gangly boy with wild hair who had yet to grow into his large hands and feet. He'd also gotten several shades darker. The Paul now seemed to take up the entire kitchen.
"Basketball," Hannah said, rolling her eyes. "It's all he ever does now."
"While I was still in school," Paul corrected, avoiding Aiko's gaze. "I'm gonna go grab a shower."
He set the empty jug on the counter and paced towards the stairs at the front of the hallway, abruptly ending their conversation. Hannah and Aiko heard the stairs squeak and moan under his weight as he lumbered upstairs and out of earshot.
"Wow,
transformation
." Aiko said, eyebrows high.
"Don't let him fool you," Hannah smirked, placing the empty jug in the trash. "You should see him when he's not around you."
"Why, what do you mean?"
"That kid is on my computer all the time, drooling over your Facebook page."
"Ha! Really..."
"Yeah, he has been totally hot for you since before you left for Rhode Island. Didn't admit it for the longest time, either. It's almost funny."
Aiko did a mental rundown of vague images of him sneaking looks at her when she was over with Hannah. More often if she had on shorts or skimpy tops for the summer. She had dismissed it, thinking it was his hormones going wild.
"So he's not usually this ... withdrawn?" It suddenly felt odd speaking about Paul this way. It occurred to Aiko that she had barely known him, all the while becoming fast friends with his sister.
Hannah shook her head. "Not at all typical of him to act this way. Probably really nervous." She snickered.
"Well, that's good to know he's not antisocial."
"Yeah, well. We're just worried about him."
"Why?"
"He managed to graduate, but mom and dad can't talk him into deciding what he wants to do." Hannah stared distantly into the hallway. "We're having a tough time convincing him he should keep going to school, and not just working odd jobs around the neighborhood, you know?"
Aiko was silent, thinking back on her own senior year, how easy it had been for her to decide what she wanted to do. It came as no surprise to her what school she wanted to go to, what she wanted to study, where she wanted to do it. There were also no second thoughts as soon as she got the opportunity to go abroad.
Hannah's voice shook her out of her reverie. "Anyway, just don't tell him what I told you. He'll kill me."
*
She paused briefly in front of Hannah's stoop. They had hugged their temporary goodbyes moments ago, and the door had just shut behind her.
Aiko walked several paces before she heard the door open again. She turned around half-expecting to see Hannah, but instead saw Paul hurrying down the steps and towards her. He was still in his old clothes, but barefoot.
"Hey, um..." he sighed, stopping a few feet away from her. "Are you, um..."
Aiko arched an eyebrow, a soft smile forming on her lips. He reached an arm behind his neck to scratch at a nonexistent itch.
"Omar is um, having a house party tonight."
"Omar?"
"Oh, uh! He's a good friend— from the team."
She couldn't help but be a little amused by his sudden change in demeanor. Was this
normal
Paul? Aiko grinned. Still, she couldn't bring herself to be seen at a high school party. That was just weird.
