Sarah leaned in close to my ear as I sipped my vodka-cranberry cocktail and watched the crowd from our table. "Oh my god, Joss."
I frowned and set my drink on the table. "What?" I looked into her wide eyes and knew that whatever was on her mind, it couldn't be good.
It was my first time out to the bar scene in almost a year. Sarah had pleaded with me to accompany her to meet a group of friends at the trendiest bar in town. "Joss, you have to go out and let loose," she had advised me. I realized she was absolutely right; it was time to do something for me. So I got gussied up in a tight little black dress and killer heels that showcased the lean muscle in my legs, left the baby with my husband, and went out on the town. I couldn't wait to be seen and prove to myself that I was still sexy after having a baby.
Now everyone in the group was mingling; some stood at the ornate bar, others wandered among the tables. Sarah and I sat by ourselves at a small table near the front door; I sat with my back to the door, she faced it and could see everyone who walked in.
I stared at Sarah, and a pit began to yaw in my stomach. Somehow I knew it was Tom; I could read it on her face. She sat very still and watched over my shoulder. Finally I couldn't stand the suspense, and I turned in my chair. There he was, standing by the front door and looking around as if for someone in particular. Without conscious thought, I spun back around to face Sarah and put my head in my hands. My heart raced, my breathing was fast, and my hands shook. I hadn't seen him in nearly four years, and still he made me feel and act like a blithering middle-schooler.
"Are you okay?" Sarah whispered, and I nodded my head without looking up, even though I was not okay. I was far from okay.
"He's heading toward the bar," Sarah observed.
I took a deep breath. I looked up at her and said, "I don't know what to do." My voice quavered with the rivers of intense conflicting emotions coursing through me. I couldn't stop my hands from shaking.
Sarah's gaze was so sympathetic that I thought I might burst into tears. She understood what I was going through and why. She had been there through it all, had even had a similar experience. She had watched me as I tried to justify sleeping with a married man, she had encouraged me when I admitted that I was crazy in love with him, and she had held me as I wailed after he left me to go back to his wife.