We should never have put ourselves into that situation. We were friends. We had gone out for lunch, had a wonderful and long conversation and when the impatient eyes of the waiter descended upon us for the millionth time we had retired to a nearby lake with a beautiful vista just to continue our conversation.
I had twisted my body in the car seat so I could look directly at her and into her eyes, intoxicating and blue. They had always attracted me. I truly enjoyed just being with her. But my eyes had drifted slight to the right to her hair, dark blonde, long and where it was usually tied back she had left it loose that day. I had taken some of it in my hand and was playing with it. Lisa wasn't surprised by this as I had long complimented her on her hair and once, in joking, run my hands through it and told her how her hair was seducing me. We had both laughed about it at the time and it had reinforced in us an accepted level of comfort and intimate friendship that men and women can enjoy.
Our conversations were of the sort that we could talk and talk and then both of us go silent for a minute or more and we'd found we could be comfortable in that silence. So there we were at just such a moment, silence and thinking nothing of it. It seemed, however, that the universe had other ideas. Forces had been set in motion and we were so absolutely comfortable with each other that we failed to notice the subtle changes.
I was looking rather seriously into Lisa's eyes and took a deep breath and let it out. I didn't even realize I had done it until Lisa leaned toward me, my hand, just and little and said, "What?"
"What?" I replied voicing my confusion.
"You just sighed."
"I did?"
"Ah huh."
I shrugged my shoulders, smiled but said nothing. I couldn't think of anything to say and found myself collecting my thoughts and finding my feelings. At that moment I noticed how emotionally close I felt to Lisa. It's the type of closeness you don't feel with a lot of people and which allows you to be yourself without fear. I couldn't help but think what a good friend she had been and how she'd helped me through more than one uncomfortable situation. Lisa could be a little sarcastic. Sometimes she called it bitchiness and other times other things. But it was important to me because it was always disarming and got me to see things more rationally.
"You just did it again."
"I did?" I replied having once again found myself drifting in my mind.
"So what were you thinking?"
Suddenly a question that usually would have met with an immediate and honest answer seemed loaded. I quickly did an inventory attempting to figure it out and what I came up with shocked me but just a little. I found I wanted to kiss her. Now understand, Lisa and I have kissed thousands of times but it was never a lingering kiss. I wanted a kiss that lingered.
"Oh I don't know." I lied.
Lisa looked at me for a second, smirked, and said, "Yes you do."
I had told her long ago to not be afraid of calling me on my dishonesty when she felt it. Why did she have to be so in tuned with me? Why at that moment? She was though and I couldn't lie to her. I never have been able to be dishonest with her except for the briefest moment. Then it always seemed that I was either corrected by her or realizing I'd been dishonest I'd correct myself.
I didn't know what to say so I impetuously and quickly leaned in and kissed her on the lips. Lisa saw the kiss coming and accepted it though she never expected it to linger but then she didn't resist it either. The kiss, though only slightly longer than any other we had had, was still obvious in its intent. As I moved my face only slightly away from hers I let out a deep breath. Lisa looked into my eyes, looked down momentarily, and then back up in mine. I kissed her again and again she didn't resist or stop it even though it lasted longer than the first kiss.
This time as I pulled away she said, "Peter, we can't do this."
"Why?" I asked, a question with the most obvious answer.
"You know why," she quickly replied. "Your girlfriend, my boyfriend, and that's just for starters."
Lisa knew better than to make much out of any incident. She leaned back and started talking about her job. She went on a little bit about one of her frustrations at work. Then she leaned in, touched my hand and said, "And then you know what happened?" She had been talking about something close to her heart and all her emotions were out there. She finished what she was saying in a bit of an emotional tirade and staring hard at me, her eyes seemingly attached to mine.
This time it was Lisa who initiated the kiss although and where mine had been slow hers seemed to be the result of her built up emotions. As we kissed my hand swept into her hair as to hold us together. This became the passion filled kiss of lovers rather than anything friends exchange. I was hungry for her mouth, her tongue, her spirit. The wetness of our kiss was incredibly arousing and my hand found its way from Lisa's hair to her breast. But as soon as I grasped her breast is was as if an electric shock had coursed through her body and Lisa jerked away although her face was still very close to mine.
"No! We have to stop!" She said breathlessly.
I was silent. I didn't want to acknowledge that she was right. I just didn't want to stop and yet I knew I couldn't honestly contradict her either.
"Peter," Lisa said softly yet firmly.
"What?"
"You've still got your hand on my boob," she said still softly.
I didn't immediately remove it when she said this mostly because I just didn't want to. It was the first time I had ever touched her breast with anything other than my chest or that odd time when she had taken my arm as we walked and it had innocently brushed against my arm. We had that talk about her breasts that friends do with her saying how she hated it when men stared at her full breasts and didn't look her in the eye. I remember the moment so well because my eyes went from her eyes down to her breasts and quickly back up. We'd laughed about that incident many times. I wanted to leave my hand on her breast but I quickly moved it from her breast to her leg.
"I just got so turned on," I said as a feeble defense.
"I know, I did too," she replied.
I wanted to use this as a springboard to start kissing her again but I found a little restraint, restraint I also wished I hadn't had. I couldn't take my eyes from hers and my hand found its way back up to her hair and began stroking it again. I love the silky feel of her hair as it runs through my hand. I later found out that she loved it too though maybe, at the time, it should have been obvious.
I knew I was giving her a sort of longing look but she seemed to be doing that same to me as well. Whatever little resistance I had melted and I kissed her again. This time it was my passion for her that was surging out and again she didn't resist. Her passions seemed to rise and join mine. We were kissing like high school kids and yet here we were, she in her mid-30s and me, well, much older. Still, we abandoned our better judgment just as high schoolers would have giving into our lusts. One kiss quickly melted into another and yet another. My hand again went to her breast only this time when I touched her there Lisa didn't resist. Actually, it seemed she leaned slightly into my cupped hand.
My hand ventured from one breast to the other and back again. Then I undid the first button of her blouse expecting her to stop me. She didn't. I undid another and quickly pushed my hand beneath her blouse and bra and over her breast. As soon as I touched her nipple she moaned into my mouth and moved her mouth from mine. I expected her to become resistive. She didn't and my fingers toyed with her nipple, rolling it and gently pulling on it.
But when my fingers attempt to undo the bra clasp that sat between the cups she said, "No!" Lisa quickly opened the door of the car and said, "Come on!"
Lisa quickly buttoned herself up and then jogged briefly towards the shore of the lake. Now this lake, because it was a bit remote and had no beach, was mostly frequented by fishermen. So since it was mid-afternoon of a weekday we had the lake to ourselves. As Lisa stared out across the lake I came up behind her and put my arms around her and pulled her into me. I pushed my face through her hair and kissed her on the nape of her neck. Lisa leaned back into me.
"Peter, what are you doing to me?"
"I could ask you the same question."
"We can't do anything," she said after a brief pause. "You know how guilty we'd both feel if we let anything come of this."
