All day Monday I was next to useless. I failed miserably distracting myself at work and had such an unproductive day I was lucky no one noticed. I was ready and waiting about twenty minutes before Jake was due to arrive. I hate myself for it, but I made an effort. If this was our last moment, I wanted to make sure he regretted it. I wanted him to hurt too. My mind had wandered earlier to which of his friends I could try and revenge fuck that would hurt him the most. I'd daydreamed over meeting a really fit guy online and parading him on our nights out making sure I tell the girls loudly how huge his cock is. Then I'd feel gut-wrenchingly sad because, despite it all, I didn't want any of those scenarios coming true, the one scenario I wanted I wasn't going to get. I wanted Tom to be wrong.
My heart was racing once it got closer to the time Jake had said he'd be here. He was extremely punctual and sure enough, my doorbell chimed bang on 7 p.m. I opened the door feeling sick to my stomach and tried my best to hide it. Jake came in all smiles and kisses. He'd bought me flowers and wine. Not petrol station ones either looked like he'd been to Waitrose, that's proper guilt there. Once I'd taken the guilt gifts off him and made the necessary nods of appreciation, he hugged me and then kissed me passionately. For a brief moment, my nerves untangled, and I felt ever so slightly better. It was fleeting and all my emotions bubbled up at once when we stopped kissing. Jake was waffling on about the weekend I think, I'm not sure I wasn't listening.
'What's been going on between you and Heather?' I blurted out at one hundred miles an hour interrupting him. There was no point in pleasantries, I had already waited too long for answers.
He looked confused and a bit worried.
His mouth opened but no words came out.
He sat down.
I sat down by him.
'Are you trying to work out what story to tell me? I don't want a story I just want the truth, Jake.' I tried to keep my voice calm, it wasn't working.
'Why are you asking?' he said, I noted he couldn't look at me.
'Tom saw you.'
'Shit.'
He looked mortified and I felt a stronger wave of sickness. My last hope gone. Tom wasn't mistaken.
'Look at me,' I asked. My voice caught on the tears that had been threatening since Saturday. I choked them back, I didn't want Jake to see me cry over him.
Jake turned where he sat so we were facing each other.
'What did Tom see?' he calmly asked.
'Does that matter?'
'I guess not, no. Fuck, Vix, I'm sorry, it means nothing, she means nothing, I promise. I'm a dick a proper dick, I don't want to hurt you I'm sorry. I've never wanted to hurt you. She came on to me Friday night and I was pissed, I was flattered. I'm sorry. I really am sorry.'
'I was in the room, Jake. I was sat next to you,' a tear leaked out of the corner of my eye. I cursed it for giving any of my hurt away.
'I know,' he said solemnly.
'You had us both under the table.'
He bowed his head, with shame I hoped before he started to babble.
'It was all you though, I didn't ignore you, it felt better with you, under the table, your touch feels better than hers. There's nothing between us it was just ego. Two women at the same time. I'm a stupid bloke, Vix, it felt good having my ego massaged it - '
'And your cock?' I interrupted.
'Only you've touched my cock.'
'Oh, I am privileged.'
'Don't be like that.'
'I don't know how to be yet, I'm still waiting for the whole story.'
'There isn't much to say, she means nothing I promise it was a stupid mistake.'
'How many times has it been a mistake?'
'Before Friday, just the once I promise.'
He looked straight at me as he said this, I saw no sign he was lying. I started to relax a little.
'It was Christmas.'
And I was instantly tense again. How many waves of sickness could rush through me before I actually vomited?
'While I was away?' I asked.
He nodded.
We were getting on so well then, we had got closer. Why then? Why ever? I had been gutted to miss that night out. One of the downfalls of moving away and coming from a large family, I have to do my duty once a year and miss out on that period between Christmas and New Year where the pubs are full and everyone's off work together, relaxed and happy.
'You knew I wanted to be there, you knew I was upset I couldn't come home early.'
'I know. I was pissed off you weren't there. I missed you. You had that family do. I should have been there with you. I felt a dick for not being with you. I was pissed off with myself and pissed off at you and I know that's wrong, it wasn't your fault but...'
'So much so you came on to my friend?'
'She's my friend too and it wasn't like that.'
'What was it like, Jake?'