I first met Nikki through my co-worker, Jenna, when she brought Nikki to a happy hour one Friday evening. Over the years that Jenna and I have worked together, we had become good friends, so it was only natural that we had talked about family and friends which meant that I knew some of Nikki's backstory as a shy, chaste woman but had never met her until that night.
Nikki and Jenna are best friends who first met about ten years ago when Jenna moved to the U.S. from South Korea to get married. The first job Jenna got here was at the restaurant owned by Nikki's parents. Nikki's family had also immigrated to the States from South Korea when she was twelve years old which, Jenna said, would be a hard age to make such a cultural change. Jenna also told me that unlike her younger brother, Nikki was never able to fully immerse herself into American culture, seeming to have an unsteady foot in each. That had made it hard for Nikki to make friends through her middle and high school years which led to her being bullied at times. As a result, she developed a shy, reserved personality around strangers which had not been conducive to finding romantic relationships.
Jenna and I would frequently have lunch together and had many interesting conversations, but one reoccurring topic was romantic relationships. We had first gotten onto this subject when we talked about the dating differences between South Korea and the U.S. One fact I found fascinating is how large the influence of family can be on who to date while at the same time impacting the privacy that a couple can expect when dating. Picking back up on the topic of dating at lunch one day Jenna was telling me about how the work culture in South Korea also impacts dating.
Jenna began by saying, "For office workers in Korea, you hardly ever leave until the boss leaves which means that many times the workday may not end until 8 p.m. and even then, there are nights when everyone goes for drinks and dinner afterwork, so you spend a lot of time with work colleagues."
I replied, "If your work is done why do you have to wait for the boss to leave?"
Jenna responded, "That is just how things are done there. It is not always productive, but it gives the impression that everyone is working hard at their job. If you want to advance, you have to be a team player."
I thought for a moment before replying, "If your workday is ending at 8 p.m. and the boss wants to get drinks, are you required to go?"
Jenna said, "Nobody is required to go but it is expected that you will be a team player and attend."
I replied, "It seems that work does not leave much time for a personal life?"
Jenna responded, "The whole office work culture revolves around long hours and team gatherings so that is another reason that dating is different than here. There is not a lot of free time for dating."
Mulling over what she had said before replying, "I am sure that people find the time and places, but my first thought is that must be a lot of twenty somethings in South Korea that have never kissed or been intimate with anyone in their life. I cannot think of anybody I know that was still a virgin by the time they reached twenty-five."
Jenna responded, "I know someone here who was a virgin until she was twenty-six."
I replied, "Why do I have the suspicion you are talking about Nikki?"
Jenna chuckled and said, "I have probably told you too much about her, but it was well after college before Nikki had her first boyfriend."
Skeptical, I said, "So, you are telling me that Nikki never had a boyfriend all through high school and college?"
Jenna responded, "Nope. Never had a date, never went to a school dance and never even made out with a guy. She has read and still reads a lot of romance novels that I believe acts as a surrogate for a real relationship. She tends to feel more comfortable in the fantasy world rather than living in the real world, experiencing real things."
I mulled that information over before asking, "She has had at least one real boyfriend by now, right?"
Jenna replied, "Yeah, she met a guy at her first job and dated him for two years and there were 2 guys after that she dated, both lasting about a year so she is not a total virgin."
Confused I asked, "What do you mean she is not a total virgin?"
Jenna responded, "There was one time she was really down in the dumps about her romantic life and opened up, telling me that none of her past boyfriends had been overly sexual, nothing like the guys in the romance novels. She had, in fact, been quite disappointed in the sexual experience with all three boyfriends."
Jenna continued, "Nikki confessed that she has only experienced vanilla bedroom sex, nothing like, I quote, 'The guy ravaging her with hot kisses and bringing her to the brink of ecstasy.' Feeling dejected, she lamented that nothing sexually spontaneous, exciting or risqué had ever happened to her."
With a sad sigh Jenna said, "She has not had a boyfriend in several years, so I do not believe she has been with anyone in that time, at least none that I know of. Between that and being so sexually inexperienced at her age makes me think of her still being half virgin."
All I could say was, "She is missing out on one of the great pleasures of life though I admit it can be hard to find a willing partner. Her whole situation is interesting."
From what I could surmise is that at the age of thirty-five, Nikki had never experienced a highly passionate, exciting sexual experience. Jenna also told me another reason that Nikki has had such a sparse dating life, having been on only a handful of dates the past several years. It is because she only wants to date Korean guys now for the reason that she just feels they would better understand her life and family. I can certainly understand her choice from a cultural standpoint but with the additional criteria of "tall", "good looking", "ambitious" and "age appropriate" it makes for an extremely small pool of potential dates in our local area.
With what appeared to be a celibate life for a young, single woman, my curiosity was piqued about her sexual thoughts and needs. Did she ever get horny and sexually frustrated? When was the last time she got laid? Had she ever had a one-night stand? Does she masturbate? Had she ever experienced an orgasm? Was she quiet or vocal during sex? Could she be seduced or was sex just not an important part of her life? I really wanted to meet the woman who had prompted so many questions to run through my mind.
I said to Jenna, "Her story is fascinating to me. You have got to introduce her to me so I can see her for myself."
Jenna responded, "I will try to get her to come to a happy hour sometime, but it is not easy getting her out with people she does not know."
