I met Jenna when we were freshmen in college, but I didn't really notice her at first. I had a crush on her roommate Katie, and Jenna happened to be around whenever I was hanging out in Katie's dorm room.
Katie was an athletic girl with long brown hair. She was super smart and kind of quiet, and she kind of reminded me of the girl I had lost my virginity to. At that age, that was my "type". I had a big crush on her from the first time we met, during college orientation. She was one of my first friends on campus, and I hoped it would soon turn into more than that.
Where Katie was intelligent and refined, I had my doubts about Jenna. Jenna was an odd mix of home-schooled naivete and TMI crassness. She was a bit of a hippie in some ways. Strict vegetarian, and a believer in natural remedies. Anytime someone in the dorm got sick, she'd offer her stash of herbal remedies. She had no shame talking about her period or how horny she was feeling, or leaving her sex toys out. At first I found it all very off-putting, but that was okay because Katie was the one I wanted to be with, anyhow.
As a science major, I took issue with Jenna's belief in homeopathic medicine. Sometimes I would try to convince her that it's a fraud and medically disproven. At least the first few times, Katie really seemed to enjoy these lively discussions. Jenna's bullheaded counter-arguments would get me so mad, though.
"What are these?" I asked one day, picking up a bottle from her desk out of curiosity.
"Oh, that's my birth control," Jenna said.
Katie stopped typing up her homework to give me a look and a shrug. Her look said clearly that she and Jenna had talked about this before, and it was no use. But I was genuinely shocked that anyone would count on that kind of thing for contraception. Maybe it was mean, but I burst out laughing.
"What's the big deal? It's worked so far," Jenna said.
"Ginger, verbena, wild yam..." I read off the label. "Jenna, you've actually relied on this stuff before?"
"As a matter of fact, yes."
"Well, you've gotten real lucky then," I said.
"Hell yeah, I have," Jenna said, like it was a joking matter.
"You're luck is going to run out, sooner or later. These ingredients, billions of people eat these things every day. If these were effective birth control, entire nations would be decimated," I said.
"Whatever," Jenna said. "At least I'm not fucking up my hormones."
I just sighed and put the bottle down. I could tell there was no convincing her, and what did it matter to me anyway? I just felt sorry for whatever guy would happen to be in her bed when her string of good luck came to an end.
As the school year went on, I became closer friends with Katie, and by extension, Jenna as well. But hanging out with Katie never seemed to turn into anything more. Somehow we were never alone, or the moment was never right. I liked hanging out with her, but I wanted more. My New Year's resolution was to do something about it. I knew that sooner or later, one way or another, I needed some kind of solid answer on whether Katie was into me or not. But at the same time, I liked hanging out with her, and I didn't want to ruin it. So I procrastinated about it.
Before long, Valentine's Day was coming up, and I felt like V-day was the ideal time to make a move, and find out once and for all whether there was any hope for me and Katie together.
In reality, it was past time to make my move. Way past time. The day before V-day, she posted on Facebook that she's seeing someone. And it wasn't me. These things can hit you kind of hard when you're young. It's not like I got dumped, but I don't know, I really liked her and I thought we could've had something.
On Valentine's Day, the dorm isn't empty, exactly, but the common areas sure are. And you can't just walk into someone's dorm room uninvited. After dinner at the mess hall, I go back to my room, wishing I was old enough to buy myself a drink. I pull up some porn on my laptop, and...then there's a knock on the door. I quickly close the browser, zip up, and go to answer it.
It's Jenna. "Hey, can I hang out here? Katie and her new guy are, you know..."
"Um, actually I was just about to-" I begin, still out of breath and trying not to show my erection while it fades, if it fades, hopefully.
"About to jack off, I bet? What do I care," she says with a laugh. "Come on. You've hung out in our room so many times. Return the favor, dude."
"I wasn't," I say, hung up on her accusation. "Yeah, okay. Come on in, I guess, if you want."
The dorm room is small. Pretty much the only places to sit are at the desk or on the bed. Or on the floor, if you're trying to fit more than a couple people. Rather than sit down in front of my laptop, she sits on the bed. Rather than sit next to her, I go back to the desk chair. With my back to her, I now wonder what I should pretend to be busy doing. Homework, I guess?
From behind me, she says, "The worst part is, I was looking forward to some alone time tonight. Fuck." It's not hard for me to figure out what she's saying.
"Jesus, Jenna," I said. I didn't find her candor as shocking as I had at first, but it was still a bit much for me. Even so, I couldn't help but start thinking of her as a sexual being. Of her dripping with desire. I desperately tried to put the thought out of my mind. "So Katie won't share her new guy with you?"
"Haha, no," she said. "Look, you can go back to whatever you were doing, if you want. I can just hang out..."
"I was just-" I tried to think of something to say. It'd have to be a lie. But I couldn't come up with a good one.
"Or we could make out," Jenna finished her thought. The room was so silent, I could hear my own pulse pounding. Despite myself, my pants were tenting up, and I couldn't think straight. It felt like I couldn't breathe.
In that moment, the whole situation changed. She had shocked me again, but to my surprise, the suggestion didn't seem all that absurd. Making out with Jenna. What would be the downside to that? Especially now that I wasn't worried about it messing up things between me and Katie. If anything, maybe it would make Katie see me differently, or even make her jealous. It's not like I was all that attracted to Jenna, but she was there, and female, and willing, and she was unassuming in a kind of girl-next-door way that made me feel comfortable around her.
"Are you serious?" I asked cautiously, in case she was joking.
"I did just say that out loud, didn't I," she said, almost surprised with herself. "Yeah, why not. Did you actually want to be alone tonight?"
"Ideally no," I said, thinking of Katie again. But I had let that opportunity pass me by. Next time, I wouldn't wait for the right moment. It was time to turn a new leaf, and I could start by not passing up what was right in front of me.
I got up and went to the bed. "Only for tonight, right?" I asked.
"God. I don't even know about tonight yet," she said. "Just kiss me to start."
So I did that. And it was weird. Not instant sparks and fireworks. Like two young adults locking lips for the first time. But she kissed me back hungrily, and her desire fueled mine. We kissed every which way I could think of, and then some. I kissed her cheek, her ear, her neck, finding the places that made her gasp until we just had to get our shirts off.
When we'd acquainted our lips with each others' chests, the pants came off too. This wasn't a dream come true, the way it would have been with Katie. But it was fun to just have fun.
She writhed with pleasure when I slipped a finger into her, and she was just as sopping wet as I had imagined. What I couldn't have expected was how easily she reached orgasm, and the way she squeezed my finger hard when she did, making me wish it was another part of me inside her at the time.
Things were happening quickly, maybe too quickly. I soon found myself on top of her, my erection pressed against the outside of her folds, her thighs hot against mine, her breath heavy in my ear. I realized what was about to happen, if I didn't stop myself, if I let nature run its course.
"Shit, I don't have any condoms," I muttered into her ear.
"So what," she replied, pushing her hips up at me invitingly.
I sighed so hard. I knew I had to be the clear, rational one in that moment, despite everything telling me not to be. But someone had to be. We were just having fun together, up to the point where there were real consequences involved.
"Jenna, I can't. Not without contraception," I said.
"It's okay. We're perfectly safe," she said, her tongue sliding along my ear. "Just a little. How about if I say please?"
The way she pushed herself up against me, it was so easy to penetrate her, I did it without thinking. And it felt so amazing, I knew that if I kept going, I wouldn't want to stop. That, and I knew she could get pregnant from my precum, and I was worried I'd already done it, and that thought freaked me out. I stopped cold, and held her hips still.
"It's not safe," I said, and hard as it was, I pulled away from her embrace and sat on the edge of the bed.
"Ugh. Why do you have to make everything an argument?" she said, and started getting dressed.
I didn't know what to say. I felt like I was right. I knew I was right. And at the same time, I felt like I was to blame.
"Jenna, you don't have to go. We can do everything else," I said.
"Sorry, I just don't feel like it anymore," she said, her voice starting to crack. "Okay, that's not all true. I'm not sorry."
As soon as she was decent, she left the room, slamming the door behind her. I was sitting on the bed, an erection still between my legs, the room left smelling like her arousal. It left me feeling lonelier than if she hadn't shown up at my door at all.
Up until that night, Jenna hadn't even been on my radar really. I wouldn't have remotely considered hooking up with her. Now, with this unfinished business between us, that suddenly changed, and she was all I could think about.
I finally managed to have a moment alone with her a couple days later.
"Hey, I'm sorry about the other night," I said. It was partially true. I wasn't sorry as in thinking I was wrong, but I hadn't meant to hurt her feelings, and I hoped to set things right with her one way or another.
"Don't worry about it. It was all just a silly idea anyway," she said, with a nervous laugh. "I mean, now we can go back to normal, knowing we're not compatible, right?"
