A Handyman's Memoir

Connie and I woke to the sounds of chirping birds and a woodpecker drumming on a nearby tree. Sunlight poured in through the open window, illuminating the carnage of a great party the night before. Empty glasses and beer bottles on the shelves and dresser, a spilled glass in a puddle in the corner, and a woman's under garments — Kathy's I'd guess — trampled and dirty near the foot of the bed. Huddled under a down comforter our bodies were warmly intermingled, but the room was chilly.

"How's my Connie this morning?" I said quietly.

"Wonderful," she said, moving her head onto my chest.

"It's cold," I said. "I'm not used to not having a furnace. I forgot to fill the woodstove last night."

"This feels plenty warm," she said as her soft hand gently stroked my 'morning wood.' She rolled onto me and we fucked ever so slowly to quietly beautiful orgasms.

"What a nice way to start the day," I said. Connie just moaned a little as she lay on top of me, still full of my slowly shrinking cock.

BANG BANG BANG — a loud pounding at the front door startled us and Connie rolled off of me.

"What the fuck!" I said quietly, and I sat up and scanned the room for some pants to put on. "Coming!" I yelled as I found a pair of shorts and made my way to the door. By the time I opened it there was no one to be seen. A folded piece of paper was laying on the front steps. It read:

Way too loud last night.

We don't come out here to listen to screaming whores.

Lucky didn't call police.

"Hey Connie? What do you know about the neighbors?" I said as I walked back in and handed it to her.

"Oh my," she said with a chuckle. "Screaming whores. I guess I'm one of them." She laughed harder and I joined in.

"Stop it Connie, this is serious," I said, stifling my laugh.

"Well, let's see. There's nobody across the river — that's state land. It's part of a park, and it's supposed to be closed at sundown anyway. To the left is an elderly man's place, but he's been in a nursing home for a few years and it sits unused as far as I know. And to the right is a young couple... well, young to me, and they've got two young girls — I guess they'd be well into their teens now. I suppose it's from them," she said, handing me back the note.

"So what are they like?" I asked. "Do you know them well?"

"No, we didn't have too much contact with them," she said. "They stopped by the dock a few times in their canoe to say hello, but John and I weren't here that much — just a few hours to fish and we'd go back home. Whenever we talked they seemed very nice."

"So they're not rednecks with guns that are gonna to shoot me when I go over to talk to them about this?" I said.

"Oh no, not if they're the same people. They were nice. He was Swedish I think, and they're all very blonde," she said. "You can cut through the woods right over there," she said, gesturing through the window. "You see? There's a little trail there, near the water."

"Jeez, so there might have been teenage girls in the woods listening to us last night? That's not good..." I said, shaking my head.

"They may be grown and off to college by now. I'm not sure..." Connie said.

"OK, well, I better get myself cleaned up and go over there," I said. "I think I'll drive over, and try and look respectable."

"You know, with all that screaming on the dock last night we were probably heard farther away than next door," Connie said.

"Oh man, this is bad," I said, shaking my head. "So there was noise from the dock too?"

"Oh my yes," Connie said. "Between Kathy loosing her mind in the bedroom — which was mostly at your hands as I recall — and whoever was out in the gazebo..."

"That was Mary and Ron," I said. "I guess I didn't hear them because I was in here with Kath."

"I know! It was hard to hear anything over Kathy. Good God, that girl..." Connie said, laughing and shaking her head. "And Penny's got some lungs on her when she gets going. She was on the porch I think. It was pretty wild here for while. A veritable cacophony of screaming whores."

Connie cracked herself up laughing with her own flowery language, and I laughed too, but I was upset with myself for letting things get to the point where I had angry neighbors to deal with. I've never liked confrontation. I took a shower, dressed myself decent, and drove next door.

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The neighbor place was a typical summer camp, rustic but well kept. Three cars were in the driveway, and I was wishing I had their phone number so I could avoid an awkward confrontation with a house full of people. The door was on a side deck that wrapped around the river side, so I walked up the steps and knocked, holding the note they had left in my sweaty hand.

"Can I help you?" a woman asked as she walked around the corner of the deck. She was in her early forties and wearing a bikini top with a wrap around her waist.

"Oh, hi," I said nervously. "I'm Steve Mills. Your new neighbor." I held up the note to show her.

"Oh Jesus," she said. I couldn't tell if she was shocked or angry. "This wasn't my best work," she said, taking the piece of paper from my hand.

"Look, I owe you a huge apology," I said. "I really screwed up last night. I guess because I can't see you folks from over there... it just never crossed my mind. I'm so sorry. I've spent my whole life trying to be considerate of others, and I... I really dropped the ball last night."

"Look, I'm not a prude," she said. "The main thing is my girls. They..." She stopped and looked at the open window next to us. "Can we talk down there?" She gestured to some chairs by the water, and we walked down.

"Like I said, I'm not a prude, at least I hope I'm not, but I've got two daughters in college, and they're both here for the weekend. They'll be here a lot this summer. Now I'm not stupid, I know they're sexually active, but what you had going on there last night was... I mean if you had daughters..."

"I know just what you're saying. I understand completely. I must say I'm impressed with how you're calmly dealing with this. If I was you I'd probably be beating me over the head with a shovel," I said.

"I was close to that last night believe me," she said. "And first thing this morning I was fuming pretty good. Laying quietly in the sunshine helped." She paused and shook her head. "What the fuck were you doin' over there... I've never seen anything like it."

"You could see us?" I said, surprised.

"I was out with a friend and got home late," she said. "My girl's cars were here, but they were nowhere to be seen, so I came out here to look for them and heard your party. Jesus Christ those women! Are they nymphos or somethin'? Anyway, I had a feeling, after hearing that, I new where to find them, and sure enough, they were down the trail there, sittin' in the woods, watchin' the show. You know you could at least turn the lights down. The porch and the Gazebo were lit up bright as day. It was like animals in a cage fuckin' their brains out for all to see."

"Holy shit," I said, shaking my head with my face in my hands. "This is bad."

"Well it's not good... but at least you're not cookin' meth or some shit like that. You're not doin' that are ya?" she said, and she smiled for the first time. For the first time I noticed how attractive she was, which was not what I should have been thinking about.

"Nope, no meth. Just good clean fun," I said, wishing I hadn't said it as soon as it left my lips. Luckily she smiled again, just a little, and looked into my eyes.

"You know, I thought for sure you were some kind of scum bag animal last night, but you seem like a decent guy," she said. "I think we can get past this."

"Thank you" I said, holding my hand over my heart and looking relieved I'm sure. "I hope we can be friends."

"Me too," she said. "I don't know what I'm gonna tell my girls though. They're still asleep I think."

"I don't suppose you want me to talk..."

"No," she said, shaking her head. "I don't think that would be a good idea. I'm just glad you aren't one of those guys they saw in action last night." She paused, still shaking her head and looking at me in disbelief. "So, what are you, like swingers or somethin'?"

"No, just friends," I said. She looked genuinely curious, so I told her a bit more. "Just one married couple. Some divorced women, a few male friends. We've sort of gradually met over the last year and a half, and one thing led to another. I'm kinda as surprised about it as you — a year and a half ago I had none of this going on. Well look, I should go before your daughters get up. I'm very happy we can be friends," I said, extending my hand. "I should probably know your name before I go."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Lee, Lee Philips," she said as she shook my hand, and we walked toward the deck stairs. "You know, it's really nice of you to come over. I didn't know if I'd see or hear anything from you after I left that awful note. What did it say?"

"Somethin' about screaming whores," I said with a smile.

"Oh God," she said, looking down and shaking her head again. "See ya Steve."

———————————

Connie left soon after I got back from meeting Lee. She had started cleaning up and wanted to continue, but I wouldn't let her. I just took my time and had a lazy day getting the place back in order. I called Ron to check on Kathy, and he said she was sore but they were both happy and had a great time. I was glad to hear that. He confessed to being a little sore himself, and said what a trip it was to be with sexy Mary in the gazebo. I didn't tell him he had an audience out in the woods.

Late in the afternoon, when the little camp was in order, I took a beer out to the dock and enjoyed the sun for a while, the first time I had truly relaxed at the new place with nothing pressing to do. The canal wasn't officially open until the next weekend, but a few local boats were passing, a warm breeze was blowing, and it was very peaceful. I was drifting off to sleep when a woman's voice snapped me out of it.

"Hi Steve," Lee said from a sleek, dark green kayak.

"Lee! What a beautiful boat!" I said.

"Thanks," she said. "It's one of my only hobbies, so I splurged on nice ones. We've got two more If you ever want to paddle with me sometime."

"I'd love to! Your husband won't mind?" I said.

"There's no husband. You can come with me now if you want. I'm just heading out," she said.

"Absolutely! Just let me go grab some shorts. Unless you want me in my underwear," I said with a little grin.

"Why am I not surprised?" she said, shaking her head with a smile. "My girls are sunning themselves over there, so yeah, I'd kinda like ya to put some pants on."

"You got it," I said. "Just give me a minute. I don't need to lock up or anything do I? It's a good neighborhood, right?"

"It was before you moved in," she said with a big grin.

"Touché. Be right back," I said, and I ran inside.

"Did you see the little trail there that connects us?" Lee said when I ran back out wearing shorts, but shirtless and shoeless. "I'll meet you over there," she said as she paddled away.

I walked through the little wood lot that separated us, and emerged to the sight of two gorgeous college girls sunbathing in bikinis by the water. One of them saw me come out of the woods and alerted the other, and they both stared at me as I approached.

Lee pulled up along side them and very deftly extricated herself from the kayak.

"Girls, this is our new neighbor Steve," she said. "Steve, that's Becka in the pink, and Emma in the stripes."

"Hi Becka," I said, walking over and shaking her hand. "Hi Emma." I shook her hand too and they were both silent, looking at me like I was the second coming or something.

"You think you could say hello to our new friend?" their mom said, shaking her head.

"Hello Steve," they both said, almost in unison, and then they giggled.

"Steve's gonna paddle with me for a little while. Can you two grab one of your boats for him? Steve, you wanna hold onto this one for me? I'll be right back," Lee said.

I sat on the seawall and held her long green kayak while the three of them walked up to a shed in the yard. They had a bit of a family conference before opening the door and coming out with a dark yellow kayak just like Lee's. The two girls carried it down to the water, and Lee brought a paddle and a life vest. The three of them were quite a sight in their bikinis — all blonde and blue-eyed, with beautiful bodies. Lee could easily pass as the girls older sister —even their haircuts were similar.

"Wow, that's a beautiful boat! Who's is it?" I asked the girls.

"Mine," Emma said.

"Well thanks for letting me use it Emma," I said. "It's a beauty."

She smiled and they put the boat in the water and stood silently looking at me.

"Would you get us four bottles of water please? Thank you girls," she said, and she shook her head again as they left.

"Everything OK?" I asked.

"They don't think I should be associating with you. They think you're a crazy sex maniac," She said with a chuckle. Her eyes twinkled when she looked at me. "Did they ever stop to think maybe I need a crazy sex maniac in my life right about now?" She took me by surprise with her comment.

"Well, they're half right I guess, but I'm not crazy..." I said with a little smile, looking deep into her eyes.

The girls plodded down the walkway with the water bottles as Lee was instructing me on the best way to slide in to the kayak. It had been a while since I had been in one, and never in a high performance one that was as long and narrow as these. I promptly flipped it and went into the drink. The three of them laughed as soon as they saw I was OK and smiling.

"It happens to everyone," Lee said. "These are really easy to roll, but that's what makes them go through the water so nice. You'll get the hang of it."

The girls laughing at me — and me being good natured about it — helped break the ice a bit. Becka even offered me her towel to dry off. The two of them helped me with my next attempt, and it was a success. Lee and I paddled off, me a little shakily until I settled in.

"Be careful mom," Becka called out as we left them behind.

The long kayaks were almost effortless to paddle on the smooth water, and we moved right along.

"So how far do you usually go?" I asked Lee.

"Depends on my mood," she said. "We won't go too far today though. Until your arms and shoulders get used to it you'll be sore. There's a nice island up a ways we can stop at."

We passed a few fishing boats and a pontoon boat with some partiers. Barn swallows skimmed the water beside us, and we passed lots of squealing red winged blackbirds trying to protect their nests on the river bank. As we reached the island a pair of Canadian geese swam out from under an overhanging bush with ten tiny puffball babies following behind. We beached the kayaks on a little spot of hard sand and climbed out.

"What a great way to spend a lazy afternoon," I said.

"Yeah," Lee said. It was an uncharacteristically short answer, and there was obviously more going on in her head as her eyes darted back-and-forth between mine. I felt the energy flowing between us and kissed her, and she responded like she had been waiting all her life for it.

She took my hand and led me into a pine grove on an elevated portion of the small island. Massive white pines towered overhead, and dappled sunlight filtered through. It looked like the forest of a magic kingdom. As a red squirrel chattered above us Lee dropped to her knees and started scooping the carpet of long soft pine needles into a pile.

"Spread these out a little. It'll be nice and soft to lay on," she said.

"Did you learn this in the Girl Scouts?" I asked with a smile.

"I was the first one in my troop to get the 'sex in the woods' badge," she laughed.

I flattened out her pile and she tackled me down onto my back. "Sorry," she said. "It's been a long time."

She worked feverishly on my shorts and I helped her pull them down.

"Oh yeah!" she said as her fingers encircled my rapidly expanding meat. She sucked me into her mouth a few times and I was fully hard. "Now I know why those girls were screaming last night." She took a couple more sucks. "I was so fucking horny watching your friends, but I had to be angry, for my daughters sake." A few more sucks and she said, "I laid in bed last night wondering why it wasn't me over there. Why does my life have to be so fucking boring..."

She pulled her bikini bottom aside and sat down on me, letting out a loud whimper as I filled her. She reached behind and unhooked her bikini top and threw it aside as she started riding me like her life depended on it. She felt incredible.

"God Lee, you feel amazing," I said breathlessly as she rode me hard. My hands were on her nice little tits.

"Oh fuck!" she said as she leaned forward and I fucked up into her. She kissed me hard and screamed into my mouth as my assault on her hot pussy continued.

"Oh my god!" she squealed, her head down over my shoulder as she came. It was a long, multi-part orgasm, and she was mostly silent except for some low groans. After the second wave I slipped my hand between us and found her clit with my fingers and she rocketed off again, this time with a scream.

"Oh my God..." she said as she caught her breath. "I guess a guy who practices a lot get's good at it, huh? Jesus!"

"You're pretty good at it yourself nature girl," I said as I picked up handfuls of pine needles and rained them down on her.

"Don't they feel awesome?" she said. "They're so soft..." She paused and then moved a little, feeling me still inside her. "But you're not! Jeez, didn't you...? Holy shit, this is different. I guess I'll have to confess to never being with a guy who knew what he was doing before. My ex was a two-minute Charlie."

I rolled her off of me and onto her back, pulled off her bikini bottoms, and kissed every inch of her thighs and her flat belly. I sucked in her pretty nipples and fingered her wet pussy until she couldn't stand it any more. With her legs on my shoulders I fucked her slowly and she came again, her arms outstretched on the soft carpet of pine needles and her eyes rolled back in her head.

"Oh my God!" she said quietly as I picked her up and rolled her over onto her hands and knees and fucked her once more, this time more forcefully, and when we could both take no more she came hard again and I pulled out and shot my load all over the pine needles stuck to her sweaty back.

"I guess I got my wish... wow!" she said as we rolled onto the ground and got our breath back in each others arms.

We spent a wonderful hour in the peaceful pine grove, exploring each others bodies and being serenaded by red squirrels, chipmunks and song birds. Occasionally we'd hear a boat pass by.

"You know, orgasming — is that a word? — has never been my strong suit," Lee said. "And yet you draw them out of me like turning on the tap."

"I think that's you more than me," I said. "You were ready. And if your husband was a two-minute Charlie, that didn't help, right?"

"I guess," she said, searching for something deep in my eyes.

"I hate to say it, but my girls'll be worried if we don't get back." She paused a moment and said, "I suppose you wanna fuck them too." She said it very calmly and matter-of-factly, and I was speechless. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't have said that. It's so fuckin' weird being the parent of 'hot' girls," she said, making air quotes with her hands. "They're 19 and 20, and I should be over it by know, but I'm having a hard time getting used to the fact that they're sexually active adults. I need to get over it," she said, shaking her head.

"I'm afraid that's the kind of counseling I can't help much with," I said. "I've got a friend who went through it in kind of an interesting way last fall. She's about your age, with a nineteen-year-old daughter. I'm sure she'll be coming out to see my new camp — I can introduce you if you want. I think you'd like her."