Rob's Saga

It is October and that means that it is time for the annual Just Plain Bob Invitational. I am constantly bombarded with comments saying things like "You call that a story? My ten year old can do better than that." Also heard a lot is "If that were my story xxxxx would have xxxxxxx and xxxxx would have xxxx." So here is everyone's chance to show me how it should really be done. Step up and put an ending to this story. There is only one rule. You must state in your opening that your story is a continuation of my story.

Editor's Note

: you must also put your story in the Chain Stories category and title it "Rob's Saga: YOURSUBTITLEHERE", where YOURSUBTITLEHERE is a short (1-3 words) subtitle.

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It had been a long day. A 'brown out' had slowed things down at work and it couldn't have happened at a worst time. The production run was already behind and we were up against a hard deadline. The contract had penalties for failure to deliver on time and we would have to work overtime on the weekend if we were to have any chance at all of meeting the deadline.

I was looking forward to a cold beer on the living room couch as I caught the news on CNN. There was a Harley in the driveway just behind Audrey's Hondo Civic and I wondered who it might belong to. I walked into the living room and found Audrey sitting on the couch with some guy who looked just like the typical 'biker' that you see portrayed in the movies and on TV. A vest with all kinds of badges, pins and patches over a shirt with the sleeves torn off. Jeans, engineer boots completed the costume. His arms and hands were covered with tattoos and even without seeing them I would bet that he had a "hate" tattoo on his left hand and a "love" tattoo on his right.

Audrey stood up as I walked into the room and said, "Good. Now we can get this over with."

"Get what over with Aud?"

"I'm leaving you Rob."

That came as a surprise to me as I'd not seen any indication of her dissatisfaction with me or our marriage. I looked at the guy sitting on the couch and smirking at me while holding a beer that I'd bet came from my stock in the fridge. I nodded toward him and said:

"With this piece of shit?"

He didn't like that and he started to get up. I ignored him and said to Audrey:

"Good luck with your new life."

I didn't waste any time with "Why?" or "What have I done?" or any of that other bullshit. If she was leaving and had asshole there to hold her hand it meant that she had already stabbed me in the back and cheated on me with him so she was history in my books. I turned to go to the kitchen and get me a beer and then the biker said:

"That's it? Your bitch tells you she is dumping your ass and all you say is have a nice life? Oh well, she said you would be a wimp."

I turned and looked at Audrey. "Did you say that? Did you tell asshole here that I was a wimp?"

Audrey looked away from me and I had my answer. I turned to the asshole and hit him. It caught him by surprise. Wimps aren't supposed to get violent, right? He shook it off and came after me. He must have been still thinking of me as a wimp because he didn't use any caution at all. He just rushed at me. I kicked the inside of his right knee and drove it outward and he screamed and went down as the knee gave way. I kicked him twice in the stones, lifted him up and slammed him against the wall and then I beat the living shit out of him. The entire time Audrey was screaming, "Stop it, stop it" but I ignored her. When I got tired I let him slump to the floor. I looked over at Audrey and said:

"How's that for being wimpy Aud?"

I grabbed asshole by his feet and drug him outside and left him lying on the driveway next to his bike and then I went into the garage and got the half inch drive breaker bar and a screwdriver out of my tool box and went back to where the asshole was lying on the ground and moaning. I used the breaker bar to bust every light on the bike and then I carved "The wimp did this" into the paint on his gas tank.

I went back into the house and found Audrey sitting on the couch crying and I said:

"I hope you know how to ride his bike because I don't think he is in shape to do it."

"I can't drive a motorcycle. I'm taking my car."

"Oh no you aren't" I said as I grabbed her purse and dumped it out on the coffee table. I picked up her keys as I said "That car still has my name on the title and we still owe on it. I don't trust you to make the payments and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you ruin my credit."

Then I noticed the white envelope with First National Bank on it and I picked it up and looked inside. It was stuffed with money. I took my cell phone off my belt and hit the speed dial number for the bank. I punched in our account number and the mechanical voice said:

"Your checking account balance is six dollars and thirteen cents. Press two for withdrawal information. Press three for..."

I disconnected and snarled, "You bitch. You fucking whore! A house payment due, a car payment due and you cleaned me out and were going to leave me here holding the bag."

I picked up her wallet and took everything out of it except her driver's license and tossed it to her.

"Get out. Get your worthless ass out of here before I lose it and do to you what I did to that asshole you brought into my house."

"All my things are in the car."

"I'll clean the car out and dump your shit in the driveway. Anything still there on trash day will go out on the curb with the rest of the garbage now get the fuck out of here."

She walked out the door sniffling and sobbing and I went to the fridge to get another beer. As I pulled the tab on the can I had a thought so I set the beer down on the kitchen table and went back outside. Audrey was digging through the car for something and the biker was sitting up, leaning against his bike and retching. I walked up and looked down at him.

"I know your type asshole. I know just what you are going to do. You are going to round up some buddies and come back here to show me that I can't fuck with you and get away with it. I know you are going to do it and so I'll be watching out for you. I'm warning you now that if I see your ass again I'll do more than just beat the fuck out of you. Remember that asshole. You have been warned."

I went back into the house and about a half hour later I heard the Harley start up and drive off.

I was in the living room getting asshole's empty beer can off of the coffee table when I noticed a leather jacket lying on the floor next to the couch. I picked it up and on the back was painted a skull and the words "Diablo Riders." I looked at it for a few seconds and then I called my cousin Lou who was a sergeant on the local police force and asked him if he knew anything about the Diablo Riders.

"Only that they are a bunch of bad mother fuckers. They are into dope dealing and prostitution, but we haven't been able to hang anything on them. Why do you want to know about them?

I told him and he laughed. "I guess I know what Audrey will be doing this time next week. They'll have her hooked on something and she will be out on the streets making money for them. But you have a problem cuz. They can't allow what you did to go unavenged. It might give other people ideas."

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I was watching the pregame show on Monday night football when the call came. I turned off the TV and went out and sat down on the front porch swing. Just a little over an hour later a car and two pick up trucks pulled up in front of the house and seven guys got out. One of them was asshole and I was pleased to see that he was walking with a cane. They came up the walk and I went down off the porch to meet them. One of them, a big ugly bearded dude said:

"You fucked up man. You don't mess with one of our guys and get away with it."

"I would suggest that you get off my property and do it now."

"Oh we will be going shit face, but not until after we teach you a lesson."

Two men moved in on me, one on each side and then the ugly dude swung at me. I didn't try to avoid the punch; I just stood there and took it. All hell broke loose as cops came spilling out of the house and garage and police cars with lights flashing and sirens going roared up the street and pulled up in front of the house. It all distracted the ugly dude and I speared him in the throat with the stiffened fingers of my right hand. At the same time I kicked the right knee of the guy on my right and he went down. The guy on my left was already running, but he didn't get far before two cops had him on the ground and were cuffing him.

Ugly dude lay at my feet gasping for breath and the other guy was clutching his knee and moaning. The rest of the group were all in handcuffs and being led away. All except asshole. He was standing there leaning on his cane as he watched his buds being loaded into the back of cop cars. My cousin Lou and another officer led him into the garage, sat him down on a chair and then cuffed him to it. Lou showed me two small cellophane bags and said:

"We found this on him. It is enough to take him down for possession with intent to sell. What do you want me to do?"

"Dump it or lose it. I don't want him in jail. I want him out where I can get to him."

Lou handed me the keys to the handcuffs and then he and the other officer left. I walked over to my tool box and brought out the half inch drive breaker bar and then walked back over to stand in front of asshole. I stood there lightly tapping my palm with the breaker bar and then said:

"They call this a breaker bar because it can usually break loose a stubborn nut or bolt. But you might remember that it can also break things. Remember the lights on your scooter? Remember what I told you the last time I saw you? I told you that if I ever saw you again I'd do more than just beat the fuck out of you, but you didn't listen did you. Did you see the punch that your buddy threw at me? Did you see me just stand there and take it? That was the price I had to pay to get you in this chair. I had to take that punch so it could be caught on tape to show just cause for the cops to take down your friends. Maybe they will thank you for giving them the opportunity to spend some time in jail. Think?"

I swung the breaker bar at his right knee as hard as I could and he screamed. I grabbed a shop towel from my work bench and forced it into his mouth to quiet him down and then I beat his right knee into mush. He had passed out from the pain so he was dead weight when I loaded him into the back of my pick up. I drove to a park just outside of town, pulled him out of the truck and dropped him by the pay phone just outside the public toilets. I checked his pockets to make sure that he had enough change to call for help and when I saw he didn't I put two quarters in his pocket.

I woke him up with some smelling salts and when I had his attention I told him:

"I warned you last time and you ignored it. You can ignore this warning too if you want to and it won't bother me at all. You like western movies? You know the part where one guy says to the other "This town isn't big enough for both of us. You have until sundown to get out of town?" That's where we are now. Here's the deal. You need to leave this town and never come back. In two weeks I'm going to start looking for you and if I find you, depending on the mood I'm in, I'll either kill you or put you in a wheelchair for the rest of your life and you will be taking all of your meals through a straw. One last thing. What happened to you tonight didn't come from me. Call whoever you want and file any complaint you feel like, but I have five cops who will swear that I was playing cards with them. Remember. Two weeks and I come looking."

I left him there and drove home.

Lou called me in the morning. The biker's vehicles had dope and weapons galore in them. Three of the bikers had guns on them and two of the gun totters were on parole so they were on their way back to prison. Two were carrying knives longer than the law allowed and all of them had dope on them. They were all going to be going to jail for a while.

"The Tri-County Drug Task Force owes you and they told me to tell you that they have you covered."

"What does that mean?"

"What it means is that unless you do something totally stupid you will probably never again get a ticket in the Tri-County area in this life."

Two days later he called me again. "I talked with Audrey last night. She is staying with her sister. I told her what she almost got herself into and she said that she already knew and that is why she is at her sisters. Seems that after the boys headed for your place to pay you a visit some of the girls in the clubhouse clued her in and she split and went to her sisters. She asked me to call you and ask you if she could come home and talk to you."

"No thanks cuz. She said it all when she told me she was leaving me and when I found out she had cleaned out the bank account it was all over."

"Okay Rob, just passing a message. Be careful. There are still a couple of Diablo Riders still out there. They aren't really hardcore which is why they weren't with the bunch that came to visit, but better safe than sorry. Given your good standing with the Task Force we could probably get you a concealed carry permit if you want."

"Thanks Lou; I'll have to think on that."

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Two weeks went by and one night when I came home from looking for asshole I found a woman sitting on my front porch steps. She stood up as I approached and I saw that she was a sexy looking woman although in a hard way if you know what I mean. I'm no judge of tit size, but hers were substantial and the tank top she was wearing showed plenty of cleavage. About five foot six, dishwater blond hair and she filled out her jeans nicely and altogether she looked like a lady I wouldn't mind playing with. The only thing I saw that I didn't care for were the tattoos she had. She had the 'barbed wire' one on her left arm and what looked like a bunch of flowers on her right arm at the shoulder. She probably had a couple more that I couldn't see. I walked up to her and asked:

"What can I do for you?"

"I just had to come by and get a look at the man who was bad enough to chase DJ out of town."

"And you are?"

"I was DJ's squeeze. I don't know if I should kiss you for making him leave or kick you in the balls."

"Why the big spread?"

"On the one hand I'm glad he's gone, but on the other it screws me up big time."

"How's that?"

"The rent is due and he split with the money. We've been late a couple of times before and the landlord said that the next time we were late we were out. Oh well, it won't be the first time we have had to sleep in the car."

She looked me up and down and the said, "Amazing. You don't look anything at all like a hard ass."

She started to walk away and I called out "Hey!" She turned back to me and I said:

"Don't leave me in suspense here. The kick or the kiss?"

She smiled, walked back to me, put her arms around me and kissed me. "Thanks" she said as she turned to go and I said "You said we when you mentioned sleeping in the car."

"I have two daughters."

"Your landlord will really kick you out if you are late with the rent?"

"He said he would and that's all I have to go on."

I was probably making a big mistake, but my thinking was that asshole was all set to leave with my woman so what better than him to find out that I was with his. Also, if he came back for her I wouldn't have to look as hard to find him.

"Can you cook?" I asked her before she could get away.

"Why?"

"I'm not that great in the kitchen and thanks to your ex-roomie I don't have a cook and housekeeper any more. It's a four bedroom house so there is plenty of room for you and your daughters. No strings attached. You will be the live in cook and maid and that's all."

"You serious?"

"You bet."

"Why would you do something like that?"

"He was all set to walk out of here with my wife. Imagine how he will take it when he hears that the woman that used to be his is now living with me. He won't know that all you are is a live in maid. He will think that we are doing the horizontal boogie and it will make him nuts. And I really can't cook for beans. As I see it it is a win win situation."

"Can I trust you?"

"Like I'm going to say no you can't? As long as your Honda keeps running you can leave whenever you think you can't trust me."

"When can I move in?"

"Right now if you want."

She gave me a long look and then said, "I'll need help moving my stuff and some of the guys who will help me are members of the Diablos. You sure you want them to know where you live?"

"They already know sweetie."

"Kari."

"Kari?"

"Kari is my name, not sweetie."

"Okay Kari" I said as I handed her the keys to my truck. "Give me the keys to the Honda. You can get the Diablos to help you load the truck, but we won't need them here. I'll take care of the unloading."

She looked at me with a strange expression and said, "The keys are in it. Why are you trusting me with your truck? That's a ten year old car parked at the curb and your truck is almost brand new."

"Trust has nothing to do with it Kari. If you aren't back in a reasonable amount of time I'll call it in as stolen and with all the friends I have on the local police force and in the county sheriffs office it won't take them any time at all to find it.'

I didn't mention the fact that the truck had Lo-Jack installed.

"Besides, I'm trusting that you want your daughters safe and not out on the streets if the landlord follows through on his threat."

She gave me another long look and then she turned and left.

She was back in three hours and as she got out of the truck I got my next surprise. I don't know why, but based on my best guess of Kari's age I imagined that her daughters would probably be around eight or nine so I was surprised when twin girls who looked every bit of twenty or twenty-one got out of the truck with her.

Kari walked up to me and as she handed me the keys to the truck she said, "Close your mouth before flies take up residence."

I looked at her. "No way. No way are you old enough to have twenty year old daughters."

"They are not twenty. They are an extremely well developed sixteen."

"Still, you are old enough to have daughters that age."

"Of course I am. I had them when I was fifteen."

She called the girls over and introduced them as Beverly and Barbara. They looked at me warily, but took my hand and shook it.

"Come on" I said, "Let me show you where you will be staying."

I led them into the house and took them on a tour which ended up on the second floor. I pointed out the three spare bedrooms and told them to take their pick. The three of the looked over the rooms, made their choices and then we went down and unloaded the truck.

Once they were moved in I told them that I hadn't been expecting company so the pantry was bare and I told Kari to check out the kitchen and the freezer in the basement and make a list of what we needed while I took a shower. I finished my shower, checked out Kari's list to see if there was anything I wanted to add and then we went shopping. I dropped Kari and the girls at King Soopers and told her I had an errand to run and would be back before they got to the check out stands. I told her to buy enough to last us two weeks.

"Why two weeks?"

"Because I hate shopping."

I left them to shop and I drove over to Home Depot and picked up a few things and then drove back to the store. When we got home Kari said she would whip up something for dinner and I went out in the garage and rummaged through my tool box for what I would need.

We had a dinner of hamburger steaks and gravy with mashed potatoes and green beans and when everyone was done eating I reached down by my chair and pulled up the Home Depot bag. I took out the three packaged sets of keyed doorknobs and handed one to each of them.