Modern Fairy Tales

Dorothy knew if she were ever to get Auntie Ems Farm Kansas back, she would have to see the Wizard Obama. Her friend Mattie Lyon said,

"Dorothy, Oz Land is in Washington DC and I know the wizard lives in a big white house behind a big fence, you'll never get in to see him."

"That's OK, if I can get him to play me a little B-ball one on one I'll wipe the court with him and he'll be so embarrassed he give us what you want."

"Look Timmy I know you got ten inches but that doesn't make you a good ball player"

"Ya think I'd listen to someone name John Crow, with hair so yellow it looks like straw growing out of your head."

Finally Dorothy got tired of listening to them bicker and told them all to shut up and one thing no matter what, they all knew they should listen to what she said. Every one knew that 'the one who had the pussy made the rules' and Dorothy sure had the pussy, you could even see it reflected in her shinny red shoes if you stood at just the right angle.

"OK then lets list what we want from the wizard then our assets and next our liabilities to see what we can come up with to get in to see the wizard. We know I want to save Auntie's Kansas farm and see I have the pussy, now what about my liabilities..."

"Dorothy put your damn dress down, we know you got the pussy but if you keep flashing it all over town you're going to wear it out. By the way who ever heard of a chic naming her hooch Toto"

"Oh yeah Johnny Crow, let's see who wears out first, my pussy or that ass of yours that you been peddling all over Oz and I bet if that can of yours looked as good as my precious you'd name it too. OK so my main liability is I give it away too much, but jeez guys if you got the power you use it. OK John you be next"

"I'm not only gay I'm happy I'm gay but if I can't get the wizard to let me marry my brainy boyfriend I'm destined to be stupid all my life. How about you Tim, what ya got?"

"I'm a beautiful black man with a ten inch dick but I'm afraid my heart is going to break so I have to get the Wizard Obama to start a national program of health care for all who need it. As far as liabilities I don't think I have any."

"Oh please, no liabilities, you look more like Flavor Flav than Denzel Washington. If that ain't a liability, I don't know what it is. All right Mattie you're up"

"This is so embarrassing I'm afraid to go into it, you see my number one asset is my gorgeous long brown curls. Now every morning as I comb my long locks my brush ends up full of my hair. I'm hoping I can get the wizard to stop my pattern baldness."

They came upon a man preaching social responsibility on the street and as no one was paying attention to him, he took the time to tell them how to get to the big white house.

"It takes a road paved with gold to get to the white house, and I tell you people that what's wrong with our country today the wheels need grease..."

They soon bored of listening to him spout about physical responsibility and went on before he finished talking. They figured if the road is paved with gold they merely need look for a yellow brick road and they were home free. When they asked another man for directions to the yellow brick road to the white house, he suggested they take Pennsylvania Avenue and sure enough before lone they were at the gate. Alas, the guard at the gate said no entry without an invitation and the little group began to believe that even though they were close, they would fail. This man walked up to them and inquired as to why the long faces. He felt so bad for them that he offered his two invitations so at least two could see the wizard. They thanked him and then Tim and Dorothy presented their invitations to the guard.

"Let's see here, Mr. and Mrs. Tareq Salahi, well this all looks in order, go right on in."

Once inside they saw a screen with the wizard on it and beside the screen a telephone and a note saying 'ask the wizard a question'

"Hello, my name is Dorothy and I need you to save my Auntie Em's Kansas farm."

The screen said,

"You must go to the Republican of the east and convince him to free up farm subsidies and then I will save her farm."

They all rushed to the Republican of the east's lair and once there found him to be a scary rapscallion of a person. After he threatened to burn every farm named Kansas, Dorothy knew she had to act. As Dorothy showed off her little puss named Toto Mattie Lyon grabbed his slush fund and put into the general fund. Without his slush fund, the mean republican was powerless and melted into a mere mortal. Without the Republican, the farm bill passed with ease and triumphant they returned to the white house of the wizard.

Once inside their hopes were soon dashed anew as the screen of the wizard told them he could not help. When Dorothy yelled that he had promised, the wizard began screaming that no one could tell him what to do. Tim noticed an opening in the curtain behind the screen and when he peeked inside he saw it was not the Wizard Obama speaking but Michelle Obama operating the controls of a voice box. Once she got a taste of Tim's licorice stick she soon calmed down and even offered to help.

"Mattie, you're worried about going bald, get a grip man don't you see all the men are shaving their heads now, soon every man will be bald. As for you my black stallion, you don't need health care you need to watch your diet. Cut back on salt and quit eating so much soul food and your heart will be fine. John you don't have to be married to your smart boyfriend to use his brains but if you feel, you have to, then move to Massachusetts they have gay marriage there.

As for you Dorothy, I'm afraid the farm bill was passed too late to save your Auntie's farm but for you I'll tell you a secret. When you get back to the barn just stamp your shoes three times and the answer will be yours.

Back Home in Kansas:

Dorothy woke up in her bed back home; she had no recollection of going to bed or even coming home for that matter. When Auntie Em came in Dorothy began to cry,

"Oh Auntie I tried to save the farm, I even showed Toto all over Oz Land in Washington DC. Lots of people looked and some even sampled but no one helped."

"Why Dorothy whatever are you talking about, you did save the farm. Don't you remember, when you went to the barn and stamped your feet you fell through the floor into the basement. When we went down to get you we saw you were unconscious. while we were down there we found Grandpa's still and now we've taken so many orders for Kansas Moonshine we've paid the back taxes and brought the mortgage up currant."

Therefore, you see the wizard's wife proved to be wise, she saved Auntie's Kansas Farm, and she was right when she said, 'there's no place like home'.