Lord of the Rings: Squint-Eyed South

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The story is a fictional parody - it's not true, nor is it approved of by the celebrities named in the stories. Authors write these fictitious stories about famous people for the same reason that Larry Flynt made fun of Jerry Falwell, because they can. The Supreme Court of the United States, the country where this site is located, has ruled that parodies involving famous people are perfectly and totally legal under the United States Constitution. The specific case law on this was decided in the case of "Hustler Magazine, Inc. et al. v. Jerry Falwell" in 1988. No harm is intended toward the celebrities featured in these stories, but they are public figures and in being so, they must accept that they are fair target for parodies by the public. We believe in the first amendment, and more broadly, in the basic principle of free speech and this section may push the boundaries of that principle, but the United States Supreme Court has approved of this type of material. We believe that the Supreme Court was correct in their decision.

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"No, it ain't gonna happen, no matter what you give me to drink, you'll not learn my name, no, it's a secret only the Lord of the Nazgul can know. Yeah, I worked with Bill Ferney about the hobbits, yeah, those hobbits. I's the one who saw him disappear right in the middle of the bar. Youse go ahead, call me daft, but I tell ya is true. Mind you, the Lord of the Nazgul gave me a prize, a fine prize when I tol' him that hobbit disappeared."

"But stranger, I merely asked your name, the owner likes to know those I serve here."

"No, there's too many sharp knives, men and beast who'll 'em, sides I told you I worked with Bill Ferney," he said squinting his eye oddly at the barkeep.

"Barl, can't you see, 'es the one, look at the eye, squinting like that. Ferney told us about one like that, from the south I think," whispered the lady wiping the glasses with the dirty rag.

The barkeep slowly moved his gaze over to the stranger, stared at the squint eye and asked, "Where you from?"

"I been spending most my time in Hobbiton, on a mission of sorts, but 'fore that I came from the south."

The lady behind the bar grabbed the barkeep and pulled him to her, whispering in his ear, "Aye, 'es the Squint-eyed Southerner Ferney talked of. You best treat 'im right, 'es an agent."

"Agent?"

"Of Saruman. You don't need that kind of trouble, best let him drink and not worry of 'is name."

The barkeep nodded, "Yeah, I think you're right." Leaning back toward the squint-eyed man he filled his glass and said, "This one's on the house, a friend of Bill Ferney is a friend of the Knife and Stone."

"Yeah, Bill Ferney, 'es a friend. Like I told you, we saw the hobbit disappear when that ring slipped on 'is finger. That Nazgul sure was pleased to hear our story, so pleased 'e," the squint-eyed man leaned forward and whispered to the barkeep, "'e got us some females, not just ordinary ones. That Nazgul found a hobbit whore for Bill. Me, I wasn't about to settle for some fresh hobbit quim, no, I wanted elf I told 'im."

"But there's no elves round here, especially not a female, not unless she's guarded with an army."

"Well, that Nazgul Lord respected me, knew what I done was valuable. Two nights after Bill Ferney fucked that hobbit whore like a pig all night, well, the Nazgul brought me an elf lady. Now sure, she was drunk, but that was good 'cause she was willin'.

"Anyway, I took her up to the room, a nice room there in the Prancing Pony, you know the rooms there?"

The barkeep nodded, while filling up the man's glass.

"Well, she was willin' but I wasn't about to let her see all of me right away, I mean being half-man and half-orc has it's advantages, but I wasn't sure my elf lady would appreciate them all at once."

"Half-orc?" the barkeep asked curiously.

"Yep, I'm one of Saruman's special ones. Real special cause I was the only pretty one, a man's face and body, but the cock of an orc."

"Is it really..."

"Double?" the squint-eye man finished the question. Smiling he answered, "Aye, two heads in my pants keep the ladies happy, but they got to be prepared, 'specially an elf. I had to break it to her slowly she was about to be orc fucked."

Whispering the barkeep asked, "How'd you break it to her slowly?"

"Well, me face and tongue is human, all human, and well, lady elves are drawn to humans, especially our tongues. Thicker you see, our tongues are much thicker than elves, so their women dream of a human tongue in their elfin pussies. Anyway, I barely got in the room and my lady elf was naked on the bed.

"Oh and she was a fine one, very thin with tiny breasts. I don't know why, but I just love the tiny breasts, and the nipples, oh so hard and firm. I pulled off everything but my underpants and crawled up between her legs. I reached both hands up and toyed with her nipples as my tongue ran up through the silken hair on her thighs.

"So soft, her thighs as they brushed my face and my tongue found her elfin opening, pushing inside. Ah, sweet as honey she was, so fresh and pure, not like human women who are salty and sour, no this elf was so sweet. It seemed forever that my tongue fingled into her pussy, circling inside, drawing out her sweet nectar, but finally my pants began to stretch and I needed more.

"I quickly moved my tongue up to her bitty nub and simply began licking her, letting my rough tongue run over that delicate knob. Within moments I heard what I thought was angels singing, but it was her coming. I paused a bit and then, working off my underpants, I moved up between her legs without letting her catch a glimpse of my orcine cock.

"Slowly I let the lower one slip into her and moved it in and out a few times before I let my other cock move to her clit. Well she didn't notice right away, but in a moment she counted, one hand on left breast, one hand on right breast, one cock deep inside her... what was that other? Yes, my other cock was diddling that tiny clit.

"Funny, she only pushed me away for a moment before grabbing me and pulling her back singing, 'Fuck me please fuck me.' She was coming once again so I quickly took advantage and worked my second cock into her tight pussy. She winced a bit but then lifted her tiny ass off the bed as I plunged deep into her. That was all I could handle and I simply let the pleasure rush through me.

"Both my cocks came deep in her pussy and we stayed together until I'd softened enough for them to slip out. I guess the elfin thing to do was stay and hold her, but I came and was ready to leave, so I grabbed my clothes and left."

"You just left her?" the barkeep asked.

"Like I said, I came, then I left. Don't humans do that?"

"I'd have stuck around for more."

"Must be the orc in me, once I degrade them with a double fuck they simply aren't pure enough to fool with again."

"You don't know what happened to her?"

"Well, probably made history giving birth to the first part orc, part elf, part human. Now that's a female I might fuck twice."

Suddenly there was a scream from outside and then nothing but silence. A strange menacing dampness seemed to ooze from the doorway. The squint-eye half-man, half-orc grabbed his mug, swallowed the last of his bitters and then tossed a coin to the barkeep. He then walked out into the silent darkness.