Zombies In The White House

My name is George W. Bush. I'm the Forty-Third President of the United States of America. The first openly bigoted dimwit to become Leader of the Free World. I'm also a zombie. In fact, most of the country and the world has been transformed into zombie. What is zombification? Simply put, the process through which a person becomes a zombie. In 2008, the Zombie Plague came. And slowly but surely, it turned seventy eight percent of the world's human population into zombies. Unlike the slow-moving and slower-witted zombies shown in the movies, real zombies like myself are quick-moving and quick-thinking. We walk and talk, think and reason. We operate machinery, and do all the things living humans can do. And unlike living humans, we're nearly indestructible.

The Zombie Plague didn't originate from a government experiment. I really wish we could take credit for it since it's so damn ingenious and vicious, but it wasn't us. Nor was it some meteor from space which crashed and reanimated the recently dead. Nah, nothing like that. Where did the Zombie Plague come from? Simply from the human genome itself. It's been right here in our collective DNA all along. Life floats around inside of all living things. Animals. Plants. People. Why shouldn't death float around in our DNA? After all, death is around us constantly. One day, the genetic sequence which could turn a living human being into a zombie was activated. No one knows why. But it got activated inside a specific segment of the human population.

Which segment of the population? Sociopaths. What are sociopaths? Men and women born with no conscience whatsoever. There are a lot of them out there. I'm one of them. As are Ronald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney. So are a lot of people you know like Hollywood starlets Shannon Doherty and Lindsay Lohan. People like Hillary Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, Paris Hilton, Katie Couric and Soledad O'Brien. So are a lot of men and women spending time in federal prison. We're everywhere. We're your mailman, your schoolteacher, your firefighter and your nurse. We're your husband or wife, son or daughter. We are pretty much everywhere. Every race and ethnicity. Every sexual orientation. Every walk of life. You name it, we are it. One out of twenty five ordinary human beings is a sociopath. The sociopaths like myself are the ultimate human predators. Once the Zombie gene was activated, we became super predators. And we began spreading the virus to ordinary human beings as well.

Standing next to me is General David Petraeus, of the U.S. Central Command. He has been transformed into a zombie and is now my right-hand undead man, leading a group of undead soldiers and undead police officers as we work to secure North America as the Haven of the Undead. Our way of spreading the gospel, you see. I have a vision, folks. A world beyond death, where all human beings are beyond the common dangers of life, for they've become undead. And I need your help to make it true. My fellow undead Americans, we can make it happen.

I encourage you to go out there, find your friends, co-workers and family members who are still alive. And instead of feeding on them, please turn them into zombies instead. Why zombification? Simply because it's the way to go. It's the next step in human evolution. Think about it. Death is what every species has feared since the beginning of life itself. The ultimate goal of evolution must be to eradicate life's ultimate enemy, death itself, by becoming undead. That's the gospel, folks. In the world that I envision, we're not going to be divided by such artificial lines such as who's gay and who's straight, who's male and who's female, who's black and who's white. Instead we're going to stand united as the zombies of the world. The undead citizens of the planet Earth.

We're having a dandy old time in the good old US of A. After all, bloodlust is part of the genetic makeup of every man and woman in America. I had so much fun destroying the lives of people across the globe when I was human. I've had even more fun since I became a zombie. The first thing I did was hunt down some family members. I never really liked dear old Laura. She was a nice lady in public but a brazen witch in private. A divorce would have been scandalous and costly. And I certainly didn't want to spend eternity with her. So I didn't turn her into a zombie. She simply became lunch. And you know what? She was quite tasty! Man, I should have done this a long time ago!

The first person I turned into a zombie was Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. Now, she's my kind of woman. If we had met when I was younger in Texas, we probably would have hit it off. She's smart, ambitious, and every bit as vicious as I am. Unfortunately, there's the racial thing. My family is made up of rednecks from Texas. We're old money. They wouldn't have been keen on me marrying a black woman. I'm not prejudiced but my family is. I couldn't have married Condi but I definitely would have kept her as my sweet thing on the side. My sultry mistress. We had some good times together in the Oval Office. So I turned her into a zombie because I liked her company. If you think Condi was bad as a human, wait till you meet the zombie version of her. She's bad to the bone, folks!

Together, we mapped out the plan for the future of the United States of America, and of all humanity. All of us were incredibly hungry and the urge to feed on humans was irresistible. Myself I ate some cheerleader from the University of Washington earlier this morning. I was giving a speech at the university, trying to reassure people that the zombie threat was being contained. At that point, most Americans hadn't yet realized that the President of the United States was a zombie. Oh, well. I guess I blew it again. I blew my cover. The cheerleader was so sweet and ripe. I simply couldn't help myself. So I devoured her, right in front of the TV cameras. CNN's Soledad O'Brien was covering the story and watched in fascination as I fed on the cheerleader. When I got done, I bit her. Took a big chunk out of her arm before she ran away screaming. Hey, I had Irish for dinner and decided to have Spanish for dessert. Nothing wrong with that!

The entire country was upset after watching the most powerful man in the world eat a cheerleader and take a bite out of a reporter. I couldn't care less. I still had the access codes to America's nuclear arsenal. If the human population thought they could rebel against me, they were sadly mistaken. I demonstrated my ruthlessness by vaporizing the state of Arizona. I hate that place. McCain hails from there. He's one sociopath I don't want running around. Alive or undead, he was trouble. Best for him to be evaporated. I declared Condi to be my new First Lady. She's got such a sweet ass, my favorite undead black woman. Since I knew my parents wouldn't approve, I sent my newly transformed into a zombie Secret Service men to take them out. I told my men to kill them, not to render them undead. I spent my entire life under their thumb. They weren't going to dictate how I lived as an undead man too.

Free at last, I began to conquer the world. First, I ordered that the leaders of the United States Army, Navy and Air Force be turned into zombies by the zombie infiltrators who secretly worked under them. That's how I acquired the services of the newly undead General David Petraeus. Now, we're taking out the humans. Half of them will be our food, the other half will become converts. Foot soldiers in the undead army we're building. There have been zombie outbreaks all over the world. In America, we're fighting an organized war against humanity instead of skirmishes and random attacks. That's how we'll win. I always knew I was destined to do great things. I guess I'll be the man who ends the world and brings about a new golden age. The golden age of the undead.