X Files X

HICKS COUNTY, WEST VIRGINIA

AUGUST 20th, 2001

10:10 P.M.

*

A muggy summer night on a horse farm in the middle of nowhere. A busty redhead amateur porn star named "Lola Cabana" was getting fucked hard by "Brawny Manley," a ripped blonde hunk with a big fat cock. A cameraman captured multiple angles of the sweaty hardcore action, in the glow of headlights from a pickup truck. The director "Mister Biggs" watched from the sidelines, standing next to a hot country blonde with another clearly fake name. "August Ryder" watched intently after shooting a wild lesbian scene with Lola in a nearby hay barn. It was their final night of work on

Redneck Hooker Hoedown.

"Fuck me harder!" Lola shouted. Brawny gladly obeyed her order, pussy-pounding that ginger bitch against a wooden fence that kept the horses from wandering off in the wilderness.

"Fuck yeah, ya redneck ginger whore!" Brawny growled. "Daddy been riding the trails so long, and now I'm gettin' my money's worth!"

He smacked Lola's ass nice and hard, making her yelp in delight.

"Spank the shit out of me, cowboy!"

Brawny kept spanking and fucking her like a Jason Aldean groupie. Crickets chirped loudly in the background, and a black stallion whinnied in the foreground, heightening the realism of Mister Biggs' production. He flew all the way out to West Virginia from Los Angeles and hired some gritty strippers from a club ten miles down the road (instead of hiring the usual California porn stars with smokin' bodies and snowflake attitudes.)

Brawny shoved Lola down on her knees on the rough Kentucky Bluegrass, pointing his penis right at her mouth.

"Suck that big horse cock, bitch!"

"Yes sir, Mister Brawny Man," Lola giggled. She opened wide and wrapped her bright red lips against his thick veiny shaft. Deep-throating him while working her clit with her right hand, gagging against his curly brown pubic hair.

"Good girl! Come on, do it again. All the way down. All the fucking way down!"

Lola's plump red lips slid down that long pole. She gagged again at the base, squinting her big blue eyes.

"Oh-ho,

fuuuuck!

" Brawny growled. "Do it again, do it again!"

She deep-throated him five more times, driving him crazy. Then she grabbed his long shaft halfway up and face-fucked him at full speed.

"Aww damn, cowgirl. You gonna bust my nuts right quick like that."

She pulled out and scowled toward his face. "You better bust them nuts all over my face, cowboy!"

She shoved his fat dick back in her mouth, slurping loudly and masturbating in a rapid blur. The cameraman swooped down to get a close-up of the impending money shot.

"Yee-haw, suck 'em cowgirl!" Brawny cheered. He grabbed her head and made her go even faster. "Oh god, oh god, right now!"

Lola pulled out and tilted her head toward a star-studded rural sky. Opening wide to taste her bitter dessert.

"

AaaaaWOOOOOOOO!"

he howled toward a full summer moon, blasting her entire face with hot thick splooge. A lot of that white stuff splattered on her red bangs.

"Nice shot, Brawny Man!" Lola giggled. She sucked out the rest while humming pleasantly. The camera lingered on her bobbing head for a moment, then it panned up to Mister Manley's ruggedly handsome face.

"Redheads are totally my favorite," he snickered to the camera, breaking the fourth wall. They were totally Mister Biggs' favorite too. He fucked 873 of them over his twenty year career as a male porn star in L.A., and 86 more since he retired from "acting" and became a porn writer/director/producer.

The cast and crew were so focused on their dirty work, they failed to notice a gigantic UFO racing silently across the West Virginia sky, about a half mile up. The silver flying saucer was about three hundred feet wide and a hundred feet tall, with a dozen red lights glimmering on the outer edge, and a large circular mass of blue light glimmering at the bottom center. Six silver cross beams fanned out from there in a creepy starfish shape.

"What the hell is

that?

" Mister Biggs exclaimed, pointing at the unidentified flying object. The cameraman whipped his tool upward, capturing the otherworldly spectacle on film. It stopped moving abruptly, a half mile above their heads.

"Holy fuck!" Lola shrieked, with an awe-struck expression on her cum-soaked face. "That's some fucking

Unsolved Mysteries

Roswell shit!"

"Might be one of them top secret Air Force projects, like the stealth bomber in the 80's," Brawny hypothesized.

"Probably," Mister Biggs chortled. "That George W. is crazy as fuck, pumping billions of tax dollars into Star Wars fantasies. Just like his daddy, and Ronnie Ray-gun."

The blue light at the bottom of the UFO suddenly got brighter. Metal gates opened slowly in the center, revealing brighter blue light within the ship.

"That ain't no fucking Stealth Bomber!" Lola wailed. "That's a fucking ID4 invader!"

"Jesus H. Christ. Where's Will Smith when you need him?" Mister Biggs groaned.

The UFO shot out three intense beams of bluish light from the bottom ring, merging into one bigger beam. Just like the Death Star in the first (and best)

Star Wars

. The brilliant indigo ray darted down toward the cast and crew of

Redneck Hooker Hoedown.

"

Holy fuck, holy fuck!" Lola squealed pathetically. "Please don't kidnap me, alien dudes! I'm too pretty to get tied down and ass-probed."

The blue light slammed down on the horse pasture, paralyzing everyone with powerful psychoactive energy. The crickets went silent, and the horses and humans all gazed upward in stupefied awe, staring at a giant vagina-shaped hole underneath the ship. The blue light turned out to be a tractor beam, slowly raising Lola Cabana toward the gaping extraterrestrial twat. Twenty seconds later, that aspiring porn star disappeared into the ethereal bluish depths. The vagina-shaped hole closed to a straight slit, and then the entire ship disappeared in the blink of an eye, silently racing toward the stars at breakneck speed.

(

Cue the creepy Mark Snow theme music. . .

)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

FBI HEADQUARTERS, WASHINGTON D.C.

AUGUST 21st

9:22 A.M.

*

It was a slow day at the Federal Bureau of Investigation, during a record heat wave. Agent Mulder lounged around in his small office, tossing a bunch of #2 pencils straight up in the air. Half of them lodged in the white pegboard panels, right above a poster of a blurry flying saucer hovering over a forest, with the caption: "I WANT TO BELIEVE."

Pencil-tossing soon got boring, so he reached into his desk drawer and pulled out the latest issue of

Hustler,

September 2001

.

A big-titted redhead graced the front cover, posing nearly nude on a California beach. "Lucy Monroe," an homage to an iconic redhead comedian and an iconic blonde sex symbol. A tiny string bikini top left Lucy's nipples half-exposed, with no bikini bottom below. Her pussy was barely concealed by her right forearm, with foamy waves gently lapping her naked ass cheeks.

"Aww yeah, you hot fucking ginger," Mulder murmured. "I wanna slam my big prick up that tight beach bod."

A minute later, someone knocked on his office door.

"Yeah, come on in," Mulder grunted, tossing that filthy Larry Flynt rag back in the drawer. Agent Scully entered the room with an eager expression on her pale face. He had a big crush on that redhead tomboy, loving her piercing blue eyes, small perky tits, and bitchy attitude.

"Hey Mulder, you won't believe what happened in Hicks County, West Virginia last night. Some lady got abducted by a UFO."

"West Virginia is full of slack-jawed yokels, claiming they saw aliens, or Bigfoot, or the Jackalope."

"But here's the kicker. That lady was a porn star, and she got abducted

while

she was getting fucked on camera, in the middle of a horse farm. They got it all on tape!"

Mulder's jaw dropped open in giddy surprise. "Are you

shitting

me, girl?"

"This is the real deal, buddy. Come on, let's hurry out there before the tabloids get their grubby hands on that tape."

"Hell yeah!" Mulder beamed. He strapped on his service pistol and marched toward the elevators with Scully. "Finally, we get to 'investigate' some hot slutty bitches, instead of our usual TV-14 X files with Jersey Devils and Flukemen."

"This is bigger than the Zapruder film."

"For a bunch of paranoid creeps who still live in their parent's basement."

"Those losers would have a massive nerdgasm if they saw a porn star get ass-probed by E.T.," Scully snickered. "'I'll stick it

riiiight heeeere.

'"

"My parents always warned me that pornography would rot my brain . . . but who knew it could get you sucked off to Uranus?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

HICKS COUNTY, WEST VIRGINIA

2:24 P.M.

*

The dynamic duo arrived at the sci-fi crime scene in a Saturn Ion. A large area along the wooden horse fence was roped off with yellow tape. They were met by a heavyset sheriff who eerily resembled Sheriff Lobo from that classic show. Brawny Manley, August Ryder, and Mister Biggs stood nearby with frazzled expressions.

"Agents Mulder and Scully, F-B-

I

," Mulder uttered dramatically, flashing his ID badge.

"Sheriff McGruff, HCPD. Crazy as it sounds, some redhead porn star named 'Lola Cabana' got kidnapped by little green men in a UFO. She disappeared into thin air, literally."

"I love that song, 'Copacabana,'" Mulder mused. "Barry Manilow should have stuck with that disco sound, instead of wasting time with gay emo crap like 'Mandy.'"

"Barry Manilow sucks balls. And dicks," Brawny grunted.

"Anyway, we were shooting a redneck hooker video, and a big-ass flying saucer came out of nowhere," Mister Biggs explained. "Take a look at this camera footage."

He played the tape on a small monitor, with Lola getting hammered against the horse fence for ten seconds, then getting down on her knees for the sloppy finish.

"Aw

yeah,

you dirty cum slut!" Mulder cheered. "I love hot redheads who turn the other cheek."

"Keep it professional, Mulder," Scully muttered, touching her red bangs in subtle arousal. She wanted Mulder just as badly; masturbating every night while picturing him fucking her in a kinky leather costume, like Frank N. Furter from

The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

"Look on the horizon," Brawny said. "See that big flickering light? That's the UFO approaching, but we didn't notice it at the time."

The flickering light soon resolved into a massive flying saucer.

"Ho-lee

cow,

" Scully murmured. "That looks a lot like the UFO that blew up the White House in

Independence Day.

"

"Indisputable proof of a vast conspiracy between the military and Hollywood Illuminati. Dismantling democracy and establishing a new world order with alien technology."

"Shut up, Mulder," Scully growled.

Lola's naked body slowly ascended toward the flying saucer. Mulder whistled in amazement, and Scully shook her head in disbelief.

"We have no memory of seeing that spaceship," Brawny said. "We all blacked out when the beam hit us, and we woke up on our feet a minute later, wondering what the hell happened."

"That's typical for alien abductions. They're like high-tech mosquitoes, numbing their victims' minds with psionic energy beams," Scully explained.

"Oh my god," August shrieked. "I hope they're not hurting Lola right now."

"Me too. The odds of a porn star getting abducted by aliens are about a zillion to one," Mister Biggs chortled.

"We're far more likely to get AIDS, or get strangled to death by an obsessive fan," August added awkwardly.

"X files

indeed,

" Scully chortled.

"We better take that tape back to the police station for safekeeping, before someone uploads it to Limewire, causing mass hysteria," said Sheriff McGruff.

"Good idea," Mulder agreed. "Let's just tell the media that Lola was kidnapped by a bunch of Hell's Angels."

"She

does

have a soft spot for kinky bikers," August snickered. "I better go home now and wash my stripper / porn star costumes. I'll be dancing at Jugg's Jukebox tonight, just like Lola used to. Pouring myself into my work to forget the pain."

"Maybe I'll stop by later, and . . . do some more investigating," Mulder replied with a sly wink. August winked right back at him, and Scully sneered.

"I think I'll do some 'investigating' there myself," Sheriff McGruff added sarcastically.

The porn crew left the farm and went back to their dreary daytime lives. Mulder and Scully strolled around the horse pasture while a forensics team combed for clues.

"This is fucking crazy, Mulder. Why the hell would aliens abduct a porn star?"

"Isn't it obvious, Scully? Have you ever seen

Mars Needs Women?

"

"Oh yeah, I love those stupid

Mystery Science Theater 3000

type movies."

"It was stupid back in 1968, but now it seems like brilliant clairvoyance. The Martian alien race developed a genetic deficiency that produced only male children, so they took some earth women to the Red Planet and fucked those bitches like Wilt Chamberlain. Repopulating Mars with female offspring, to ensure the survival of their species."

"How could Martian females be fertilized by human sperm? Wouldn't their entire biological systems be radically different from

homo sapiens

? Silicon-based instead of carbon-based?"

"Try suspending your disbelief for once in your fucking life, Scully."

"Fine, whatever."

"The aliens that kidnapped Lola are probably from a galaxy far, far, away, and they were attracted to this farm by all that wild outdoor sex. Like a bunch of outer space sharks, smelling pheromones from a thousand miles away."

"Fascinating. Those little green men are trying to prevent a mass extinction event . . . or maybe they're just intergalactic hustlers, searching for bootylicious hookers to pimp out on Planet X."

"Don't hate the playa, hate the game."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

ROUTE 97, HICKS COUNTY

8:39 P.M.

*

Mulder and Scully left the Kawana Diner and drove through the countryside, yakking pointlessly about five decades worth of alien abduction cover-up conspiracies. Mulder piloted that Saturn Ion toward Jugg's Jukebox, eager to get his freak on.

"All righty, time for some 'in-depth investigation'," he beamed.

"I'm a bisexual tomboy who loves watching porn in the privacy of her living room, but going out to a strip club and watching a bunch of hot ladies wiggle their ass for cash is so..."

"Real?"

"Yeah . . .

real.

"

Juggs' was a dingy small town honky-tonk "gentleman's club" with a neon sign that boldly advertised their GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! Scully reluctantly followed her partner inside.

"This is where Lola used to work, before she hitched a ride on Halley's Comet," Mulder remarked. It smelled like scuzzy beer and scuzzy piss, buzzing with the loud twangy country sound of "How Do You Like Me Now?" by Toby Keith.

They ordered two brewskis and sat in the front row of a showroom full of sleazy rednecks. A tall busty twenty-something redhead named "Sweet Caroline" wiggled around onstage, methodically removing her tan cowgirl hat, red plaid halter top, blue Daisy Dukes, and translucent stiletto heels.

"Hell yeah, Sweet Caroline!" Mulder cheered, dropping a crisp Alexander Hamilton at her feet. "Good times never looked so good!"

"Her tits are obviously fake," Scully grunted.

"But they're obviously

fantastic.

"

"If you quote Seinfeld one more time, I'm gonna bust a cap in your ass."

Mulder sighed wearily and took a heavy swig of beer. Caroline kicked her legs like a Rockette at Radio City Music Hall, flashing her Brazilian-waxed pussy a dozen times.

"Let's hear it for Sweeeet Caroline!" the emcee beamed over the speakers. Caroline hopped off the stage and started scouting for lap dance customers.

"Up next, we got a dirty blonde bitch who loves it rough. Brace yourself for Kinkyyy Auuugust!"

The audience cheered again as "Rock You Like a Hurricane" blasted over the speakers. August Ryder entered stage left, wearing a black leather bondage harness that barely covered her nipples and pussy. A spiked leather dog collar around her neck made her masochistically delicious. She strutted over to center stage and cracked a genuine leather bullwhip on the wooden floor.

"Fuck yeah, August. You're a smokin' hot domme!" Mulder cheered, dropping another Hamilton on the stage. August winked slyly at him while wiggling her heart-shaped ass and peeling off her kinky costume. Pretending that everything was fine and dandy, and her best friend Lola wasn't getting ass-probed by perverts from Planet X.

Mulder flagged down Caroline for a lap dance while August revealed her full-frontal glory. Shaking her double D titties like hell. Cracking that whip and making it rain. August hopped off the stage a minute later, and Scully grabbed her by the arm.

"You're

mine

tonight, Miss Ryder. Let's take this show into the Party Room."

"Sure thing, Agent Scully. A nice little 'therapy session' on the government dime."

Mulder and Scully led those butt-naked showgirls into a side room full of plush red velvet chairs, with bargain basement porno groove playing on overhead speakers. Scully stripped down to her black bra and panties, and Mulder stripped down to his red polka-dot boxer shorts. They pulled out their wallets and smacked forty bucks on a small wooden table. The strippers sprung into action like sexy robots, hopping on the velvet chairs and grinding two highly-trained federal agents. Mulder's "service pistol" sprang right up to eight inches.

"Hoo-

wee,

you're a mighty fine lady, Sweet Caroline," he beamed in a mock hillbilly accent. "The hottest redhead I ever did see."

"Hotter than Angie Everhart?"

"Angie

who-

hart

?

"

Caroline giggled sweetly, then she grabbed his muscular shoulders and thrust her naked body back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Working her clit against his fat mushroom cockhead through a thin layer of cotton. August dry-humped Scully energetically, draping that leather whip behind her neck and using it as a handle.

I love busty blondes like you," Scully murmured seductively.

"I love tomboy redheads like you. The kind of bitches who beat me up on the schoolyard. But then I grew a nice pair of tits, and stole their boyfriends."

"Revenge is a dish best served cold," Scully giggled.

"Say, ladies . . . how about we all go back to the Hicks Motor Lodge, and . . . dig deeper into the vast conspiracy," Mulder proposed boldly.

"

Really,

Agent Mulder?" Caroline chortled. "Haven't you government types learned anything from Monica Lewinsky?"

"Not a damn thing, ginger."

"Sure, I can do a little 'magic trick' for you."

"So can I, Scully," August added. "But it'll cost you fifty bucks each."

"

Damn,

bitches," Mulder grunted. "You're strippers, porn stars,

and

hookers?"

"The triple threat," Caroline remarked.

"Fine by me," Scully grunted. "I need to get my lezzie freak on, big time."

"Let's get the fuck out of this two-bit honky-tonk." Mulder took Caroline by the hand and led her out of the Party Room, with Scully and August trailing behind. Leaving right when Mister Biggs and Sheriff McGruff entered the room, accompanied by two naked busty brunettes.

"Taking a break from the 'X' Files, eh Mulder?" quipped Mister Biggs.

"Hell yeah, you crazy porn mogul."

"Caroline is my favorite call girl," beamed Sheriff McGruff. "She loves it rough, and she has a raging foot fetish."

"Thanks for the tip. Go get 'em, Crime Dog!"