Who Killed Cornelius? A cereal murder mystery to jumpstart your day.
Author's Note: I hope that if you figure out the killer early in the story, you'll stick around to see how the team solves the mystery. It's not an episode of Criminal Minds, but I hope you'll find it to be a fun trip down nostalgia lane. It's a Halloween Contest 2015 entry. Vote, if you like.
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October, 2014
Marky Maypo woke up and looked at his alarm clock, wondering why the hell it said 7:36.
I should have been awake an hour ago
, he thought as he scratched his balls and farted loudly enough to wake up the missus.
"Marky!" she said, fanning the blanket to allow the stink to disperse. "What time is it?"
"Seven thirty-six. I'm gonna be late for work."
"Why is it so dark out?" she asked. "Did we change the clocks last night?"
"No. That was last week," he said. "I know we got drunk at Tony's Halloween party last night, but ..."
Mrs. Maypo turned on the Today Show and gasped when she saw the headline.
Where is Sunny?
Natalie Morales appeared at the news desk to break the news to America. "As you are probably already aware, the world is in darkness as Sunny has failed to rise on time. This is the first morning since the dawn of time in which Sunny has failed to complete the important task of lighting the world, leading officials to wonder why. We'll keep you updated as this story evolves."
Meanwhile, in the Quaker home and homes around America, everyone was confused and afraid. "The power isn't out," Mrs. Quaker said. "The TV works."
"I can see that, dear," said Mr. Quaker with a sigh. "I'm not dumb, no matter what your mother thinks." He kissed his wife on the cheek, put his black hat on his head, and went out the front door.
Lucky the Leprechaun was especially concerned. He knew that without Sunny, he wouldn't have a rainbow to lead him to his Lucky Charms, leaving them exposed to potential thieves everywhere. He was only one leprechaun, and without his rainbow, someone would make off with his magical deliciousness. They were always after 'em.
He got his cell phone and called Cap'n Crunch, the chief of police. Unfortunately, the cap'n was in the dark as well without Sunny, and he had no suggestions for Lucky. "But what about me marshmallow surprises?" Lucky asked in desperation, but the cap'n had already hung up.
It was Tony that got Sunny's attention when he finally rolled his striped, hung-over ass out of bed at 9:30. He tripped going down the stairs in the dark and roared a sarcastic "Gr-r-reat!" when he landed on the shoes at the bottom of the stairs. His sudden outburst woke Sunny up with a start, and all at once, everyone could see again.
Sunny yawned and stretched and reached for his two scoops to put in his briefcase, but jumped a mile when he saw the clock. "Motherfucker! How the fuck did it get so late?" He hightailed it to his post in the sky, ending the lack-of-daylight crisis for the eastern half of the U.S.
By then, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble were wide-awake too, having passed out in the middle of Tony the Tiger's living room at the Halloween party the night before. Barney was just introducing himself to the guy in the wooly mammoth costume when Fred said from under the mask, "Bar-ney! You're a friggin' moron. It's me, Fred."
"Oh, hi, Fred. I guess I got confused. I'm usually the one that disguises myself to get your Fruity Pebbles," Barney said, looking around with a nervous giggle to see where they were.
Tony, who had already taken off his sheep costume to send to the dry cleaner, was growling and shaking his head while Fred and Barney talked. "Why the hell is Sunny so damn late? I didn't see him drink a drop last night!" Tony snarled through his huge tiger teeth.
"Yeah, Tony," Barney said. "He said he doesn't drink wine because he has to save the grapes to turn them into raisins. He's gotta fill those two scoops, you know."
Fred chimed in too. "Yeah, well, I saw him near the keg, chatting up Wilma last night. Maybe he drank beer."
"No way," Tony said. "Beer gives Sunny gas. He won't touch the stuff. Something is definitely wrong. And speaking of wrong, your babysitter left a message on my machine. Your wives didn't make it home last night either."
"That was one heck of a Halloween party you threw last night, Tony. C'mon, Fred. We better go find the girls," Barney said, shaking his head.
"I just hope it's not like Sugar Bear's New Year's party last year. I found Wilma asleep between Betty's legs with a dick-shaped bronto-bone sticking outta her cunt." His voice sounded cranky, but the corners of his mouth turned up, revealing his true feelings about his wife's Sapphic adventure.
"That was hot though," Barney said as they left. "Should we have Fruity or Cocoa Pebbles this morning?"
* * * *
Cap'n Crunch had finally located his partner, Detective Toucan Sam, and they set out to question Sunny about his tardiness.
"Am I under arrest?" Sunny shouted from his ten A.M. position.
"No. Nothing like that," the cap'n said. "We just need to get the facts so it doesn't happen again. Start with Tony's party last night. What time did you leave?"
"I didn't," Sunny said. "I fell asleep there with the drunks. I wasn't drinking, though. That cheap bastard only bought beer and wine. Like it woulda killed Tony to buy a fuckin' bottle of Jack."
Toucan Sam rolled his eyes and prompted Sunny. "The party, Sunny. Tell me about the party."
"Yeah, right. I was banging the Smurfberry Crunch chick until about two. Then she went home. What the fuck's her name? Smurfelle? Smurfine?" Sunny said.
"Smurfette," the cap'n and Sam said together, disgusted with Sunny's crass nature.
Sunny went on. "Right. Fucked her till my cock was blue. I fell asleep right there. Didn't even take a shower. You know, so I could enjoy the delicious aroma of pussy all day today." He smiled and licked his lips.
Sam rolled his eyes. "So then what? Did your alarm clock break?"
"I don't have to set an alarm. Cornelius always wakes m—"
"Aha!" shouted the cap'n. "Where in the world is Cornelius? I haven't heard him once this morning!" He stepped away to call the Officer Crumb, the Cookie Crisp Cookie Cop, on the radio to start the search for Cornelius the Corn Flakes Cock. The entire village counted on Cornelius to wake them up. It was odd that he was so quiet.
Sunny promised to search for Cornelius from above, while Cap'n Crunch and Toucan Sam left to collect volunteers for the ground search.
Officer Crumb was the first one on the scene at the hen house. Aside from the extra feathers and two tiny drops of blood on the floor, the only obvious sign of trouble was Cornelius's absence. The hens clucked nervously at the strange man that smelled so much like cookies. After a couple of hens pecked at his shoes, he went outside to call the cap'n.
* * * *
Three days passed before Cornelius's body was found, dumped in a wooded area, not far from the end of Lucky's rainbow. It was the Trix Rabbit that found what was left of the poor cock. There was nothing left of him but skin, bones, and feathers. As Trixie's search partner, Sonny the Cuckoo, flew back into town to find Cap'n Crunch to report the discovery, he thought to himself,
I wonder just how Trixie knew where to look. It's almost as if he—
And then Sonny spotted them. Two people, a man and a woman, fucking on the picnic table in their back yard. She was bent over the table, large tits pressed up to reveal her exquisite, chocolate, no cocoa-colored nipples. They stuck out like brown marbles. No. Not marbles. "Cocoa Puffs!" Sonny shouted. "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!"
He completely lost it, circling and diving out of the sky toward the rutting couple as the man thrust his huge dick in and out of the woman. Sonny kept his eyes on the Cocoa Puffs on her tits as he went full-on cuckoo.
Sonny didn't make it to the police station to report the discovery of the cock's carcass.
In the meantime, Detective Toucan Sam had followed his nose to the Trix that the rabbit had stashed under his hat. "That was fast," Trix said.
"Orange, lemon, cherry ... I smelled them. And other natural flavors too. I just followed my snoot," Sam said.
"What the hell are you talking about?" the rabbit asked.
"My nose, you idiot. It always knows." Sam shook his head, already exasperated with this imbecile. Sam had been chasing Trixie for years. Every time he turned around, somebody was filing a reporting him for stalking kids and their cereal. Sam pulled off the rabbit's hat causing a cascade of fruit-flavored balls of corn. "Jesus Christ. Goddam rabbit. Trix are for kids. Put your hands behind your back."
"You're arresting me?" Trix asked in disbelief.
"I most certainly am," Sam replied. "I've been waiting years to catch you in the act. Your neighbor called to report that they were missing an entire box of cereal—"
"Wait. Didn't Sonny—" Trixie turned to look at Sam, pulling his hands from the cuffs before Sam could lock them around his wrists.
Sam pulled Trixie's hands even harder this time. "This has nothing to do with Sunny. He's in the sky, where he belongs."
"No," the rabbit said. "Not Sunny the Raisin Bran Sun. Sonny the Cuckoo. He left a few minutes ago to get you and the cap'n. We found Cornelius. What's left of him anyway. Just down this path."
Still in cuffs, Trix led Sam to the body. Even the orange, lemon, and cherry scents couldn't cover the smell of death that permeated the air. "Mother of God," Sam whispered. "I better call the Crime Scene Unit."
* * * *
Within the hour, every law enforcement officer in the county was in the village. Snap, the chief medical examiner, pronounced Cornelius dead right away. "He's been dead for at least a couple of days, folks. I'll know more when we get him on the table, but I'd say exsanguination. It looks like he was completely drained."
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph," Toucan Sam said. "Who would do something like this?"
When Crackle and Pop lifted the body to place it in the body bag, Cornelius's feathers ruffled a little bit. Crackle noted marks on the rooster's neck that Snap had missed. "Snap, what do you make of this?" He pointed his flashlight directly on the wound.
"Looks like he was fighting with some barbed wire," Pop said. "Maybe he was doing the nasty with one of the hens, and he didn't see the fence sneaking up on him. Or maybe it was a vampire! That'd be even sweeter!"
"Shut the fuck up, asshole," Crackle said. "Don't be fucking stupid. Somebody would'a seen that much blood near the hen house. They've been searching out there for the last three days!"
Snap leaned in for a closer look. "
Hmm
... I don't know what to make of that. Let's get him to the morgue. He's been out here long enough."
