Uncle Mar Visits Bernadette

Bernadette was bragging again to Penny about Howard's Uncle Mark again over lunch.

"You should see him, Penny. He's gorgeous! He's older, but, damn, he stays in shape! And his, you know, uh, thing! My gosh, it's huge! It's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

Penny rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah." For one, Bernadette had been bragging about this Uncle Mark for quite some time. Secondly, she doubted he even existed. Supposedly, the last two times Howard had left town for a conference, this Uncle Mark had come over and he and Bernadette fucked like rabbits.

"And his stamina! My goodness! He's like the Eveready bunny, he just keeps going on, and on, and on! We, uh, we had so much sex I could barely walk for two days! My, uh, hoochie, it hurt so good!"

Penny took a long swig of her wine. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. So, when do I get to meet this mysterious Uncle Mark?"

Bernadette shook her head. "Ohhhh, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?!"

Penny was constantly bragging about her various and many sexual conquests to Bernadette. Bernadette could finally turn the tables on Penny. She had something Penny didn't. She wanted to keep it that way.

"Well...because...uh...because..." Bernadette stammered.

"I don't think he exists."

"What?! He does so!! It's just...it's just...you're such a...slut! He's so gorgeous...and big...you'll just want to, you know, have sex with him!"

"I'm a slut? Who's the one fucking her husband's uncle behind his back?"

"But this is different. This is just one guy. You'll have sex with anything that moves!"

She had a point. "Yeah, well, one guy, but over and over again."

Bernadette smiled and nodded. "Mmmmm hmmm, over and over. If you saw his, you know, thingy, you'd want to, you know, do it over and over again. We do lots of stuff over and over!"

"Alright, look...if you're going to be a slut, you've got to talk like it! Okay? Cock...fuck...cunt...say it!"

The words were like slaps to the face. Bernadette flinched at the brute force of them. She clenched her jaw. "Fine! He's got a beautiful, huge

cock!

That he

fucks

my

cunt

with day and night! That I love to

deep throat!

Okay?! Is that

slutty

enough for you?!" Every head in the restaurant turned. Bernadette's cheeks flushed. She buried her face in her hands. "Shit."

Penny raised the glass of wine to her lips. "Wow. Nice job, slut."

Two months later, Howard was off at another conference. This time, the rest of the guys went with him. Raj, Leonard, and Sheldon were all at the same conference. Penny was bored. Amy was so clingy, she was getting on Penny's last nerve. She called Bernadette to see if she wanted to go out bar hopping that night. No answer. She called again later. No answer.

Hmmmmm, I wonder,

Penny thought to herself.

I wonder if that little slut is fucking this Uncle Mark right now?

She decided to jump in the car and go for a ride.

When Penny pulled up in front of Bernadette's house, there were two cars parked in the driveway and one in the garage. The one in the garage was Bernadette's boring minivan. Behind it was a blue Jeep.

Hmmmm, I wonder if that's Uncle Mark's? Maybe he does exist!

There was a silver BMW parked behind the Jeep.

That looks like Raj's car!

She looked at the license plate. "STR GZR".

Fuck! That is Raj's car! What the fuck?!

Raj and I were lying in bed getting ready for another round, and Bernadette was just exiting the bathroom after taking a cum bath at the end of a rousing DP session when the doorbell rang.

"Are you expecting company?" I asked.

Bernadette had a frown on her face. She shook her head. "No." The doorbell rang again, followed by knocking on the door. "What the hell?" The doorbell rang again.

I chuckled. "You'd better go see who it is before they knock the door down."

Bernadette wasn't pleased with the interruption. There were two hard sticks just waiting for her attention. "Dang it!" She through on her required uniform whenever I was present -- a slinky negligee -- and headed down the stairs. Raj and I both listened intently to see if we could get a hint of who might be at the door.

Bernadette looked through the peep hole.

Shit! It's Penny! That bitch! What does she want?!

She opened the door a crack and peered around it. All Penny saw was Bernadette's tousled hair and her flushed face. "Oh! Hey, Penny. So, uh, what's up?" Bernadette asked, trying her best to be nonchalant.

Penny was moving her head around trying to see if she could see anything unusual through the tiny crack in the door. "Hey, what's up, buttercup?! Oh, you know, I was bored so I just went out for a drive."

Bernadette grinded her teeth.

Went out for a drive my ass!

"Oh, that's nice. Well, I guess I'll let you get back to your road trip," she said and started to close the door.

"So, uh, who's cars are those?" Penny asked, nodding at the driveway full of cars.

"Cars? What cars?" Bernadette was a terrible liar. It was her Catholic upbringing.

Penny pointed. "Those cars! Who's Jeep is that?"

"Jeep? Oh, that Jeep! Oh, uh, the neighbors must have guests over and they parked in our driveway again. Darn it. I guess I'll have to talk to them again about that. Okay, well, gotta go!" She started to close the door again.

"What about the Beemer? That looks like Raj's car? Actually, I know it's Raj's car."

Bernadette's hands balled into fists.

Raj and his stupid personalized license plate!

"Raj's car? Oh, yeah! Raj's car. He, uh, he came over here and, uh, rode to the airport with Howard. Yeah, that's it. So, uh, yeah, that's why his car is here. Okay. Well, I guess I'll talk to you later."

Penny smiled. "But Raj's car is behind the Jeep. And the Jeep is behind the minivan. How did you take the guys to the airport and wind up having those cars behind you?" Raj's car she might be able to explain. The Jeep with Raj's car behind it? That one she couldn't explain away.

Bernadette's eyes narrowed to slits. "What?! Are you writing a book?! There are cars in the driveway, okay?! Nobody's here! Okay?!"

Penny knew exactly what was going on. She did her best not to laugh. "So, aren't you gonna invite me in? I mean, I drove all the way over here? And you're obviously not going anywhere with all of those cars behind you."

Bernadette growled under her breath. "Fine! Might as well come in, I guess."

Penny did a double take when she saw Bernadette's slinky negligee and gave her a crooked smile. "Oooooo, very slinky. Very sexy. What's the occasion?"

"No occasion! What? Can't a girl wear something, uh, slinky just because?!"

Penny smiled. "Settle down, settle down. I just thought you might be getting your slut on."

Bernadette crossed her arms in defiance. "No, I am not getting my 'slut on'!"

Because you're interrupting me, you bitch!

Upstairs, Raj was in an excited state. "Oh shit, dude! That sounds like Penny down there! Oh shit! If she finds out I'm here, she'll tell Howard, and then...oh shit!" Raj started to look out the window to see if he could survive a jump.

He had my attention. "Penny? Who's Penny?"

"She's Leonard's wife. Totally smokin' hot, dude! And a total slut!"

I smiled and scratched my chin. "Smokin' hot and a slut, you say? Have you had her?"

Raj paused. His mind flashed back to a drunken night that he and Penny fell into bed together. But Raj fired his shot before anything really happened. "Oh, yeah, sure! Many times. She's a total slut!"

"You don't say."

I threw on a pair of shorts and headed out the door. I was halfway down the hall before a distracted Raj realized I was gone.

"Dude! Dude!" He clenched his fists and muttered, "Shit!"

Bernadette saw my legs coming down the stairs behind Penny who was seated on the couch. By the time I could see Bernadette's face, her jaw was open. She was white as a ghost.

Shit!

she thought.

Penny noticed Bernadette's gaze and turned her head. She saw me just as I was coming off the last step. She couldn't stop her jaw from dropping. I was just as Bernadette had described. A little older. With only my shorts on she couldn't help but notice how fit I was. And the sizeable bulge in my loose fitting jogging shorts.

Son of a bitch! He does exist!

Penny thought to herself in shock.

"Uh...uh...Penny...uh, this is..." Bernadette couldn't formulate a sentence.

I held out my hand and reached over the back of the couch. "Hi, I'm Mark. I'm Howard's uncle," I said in the most charming voice and manner I could muster.

Penny got moist at the touch of my firm yet gentle handshake. "Oh, yeah! Hello! I'm Penny." She glanced at Bernadette. She couldn't help but be amused at her face. "I've, uh, I've heard a lot about you."

"Oh really? All of it good, I hope?" I said as I walked around the couch. "Mind if I sit next to you, Penny?"

She smiled and patted the cushion next to her. "Oh, all of it's been good.

Really

good."

Bernadette was steaming.

That bitch!

"I've been hearing a few things about you, too, Penny."

"Oh really now? All of it bad, I hope." We both laughed while Bernadette shot daggers at us with her eyes.

"Every bit of it," I said. "

Really

bad." We laughed again.

"So, Uncle Mark -- may I call you Mark?" My smile told her yes. "So, uh, what brings you by when Howard's not here? I mean, you're his uncle, right, not Bernadette's?"

Bernadette tried to answer. "Well, he, uh..."

"Howard asked me to swing by and check on her when he's away. She gets so lonely when he's not here." I turned and winked at Bernadette. "Don't you, Bernadette?"

She nodded. "Mmmmm hmmmm, so, so lonely."

Penny smiled. "Yeah, I'll bet," she said sarcastically. She turned her gaze to Bernadette. "Why don't you just call me if you're that lonely?" she asked in the same sarcastic tone.

I hate her!

"Well, uh, you know..."

"Howard said he'd feel more comfortable if a man came over. Sexist, I know. But you know that Howard," I said laughing.

Penny nodded her head. "Yeah, right, sure sure. We all know what a sexist pig Howard is, don't we?"

"Ha ha. Yeah, that's funny," Bernadette said, not doing a very good job of feigning amusement. "So, uh, Penny, didn't you say you had someplace you had to be?"

Penny's eyes bounced from the bulge in my pants to my blue eyes and shook her head. "Nope. Nope, I sure don't." Penny slapped her hand on my tan thigh and left it there.

Damn! Solid as a rock! I'll bet that's not the only thing that's solid as a rock!

"So, Mark, tell me about yourself."

I crossed my legs to hide from Bernadette the fact that Penny's hand was slowly sliding up my thigh while I regaled her with the many adventures I'd had in my lifetime. Her eyes twinkled while she listened to my stories and watched my face for a reaction to her touch, nodding occasionally. You could almost see the steam coming out of Bernadette's ears.

I didn't do a very good job of suppressing a grunt when Penny's long fingers finally slid under my shorts and wrapped themselves around my thick vein. The corner of her lip curled into an evil grin having finally elicited a reaction out of me.

Fuck! He is huge!

Penny thought to herself as she blindly felt her way around under my shorts. Her body was getting warmer with every inch. Her long, thin fingers expertly wrapped themselves around my manhood and slowly ran them up and down the long shaft. Her palm ran across the quickly slickening head of the beast and spread it around on the stiff muscle.

I finally asked Penny, "So, (ahem) Penny, uh, what's your story? Born and raised California girl?" I couldn't help but notice her sharp, pointed nipples jutting out from her tiny little light blue tank top. I also couldn't help but notice the exquisite package they were attached to.

Damn I want those long, tan legs wrapped around my head!

"No. She's a country bumpkin. Isn't that right, Penny?" Bernadette said snidely.

"Ha! I don't know about country bumpkin, but I'm a country girl, that's for sure. Yeah, I came here from Nebraska..."

"Where she was part of the Porn Queen's Court in high school, weren't you?" Bernadette asked with a sneer.

"Porn Queen's Court? Ha! No, Corn Queen's Court, Corn. Yeah, that was a pretty big deal," she said proudly while she continued to stroke me. "So, anyways, I moved here wanting to be an actress. I'm waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory until I get my big break."

"She's done a hemorrhoid commercial," Bernadette squeaked nastily. "Oh, and a couple of movies. Why don't you tell him about your movies, Penny?"

"Movies?! Really? Anything I might've seen?"

Penny nodded her head and laughed nervously. "Oh-ho-ho no. Ha! Noooooo." She knew exactly what Bernadette was referring to.

Apezilla

and

Apezilla Returns

, two movies that went straight to DVD. They were awful movies. But, what most people don't know, is there were alternate versions of each one. One being just a bad movie and the other, the "director's cut", being as close to a porn movie without being a porn movie as you can get. She knew that's what Bernadette was getting at.

"Would you like to see them, Mark? I'm sure I can find them around here somewhere," Bernadette said with a grin.

Penny waved her free hand. "Oh-ho-ho, he doesn't want to see those awful things!" she said nervously.

"Actually..." Penny cut me off.

"Maybe next time!" she said emphatically. She tried to shift focus. "You know, Mark, you should be in the movies."

I laughed. "Ha! Yeah, no, I don't think so. What makes you say that?"

"Well, you're tall and very handsome, just as I was told."

I nodded. "Oh really now?" I turned to Bernadette and smiled at her frowning face. "What else were you told?"

"You're very charming, very charismatic. I'll bet you charm the ladies right out of their panties, don't you?"

"Ha! I do alright, I s'pose."

Penny looked at me with a sideways grin. "I'll bet you do." She paused. "I've also been told you've got a huge cock and the stamina of the Eveready bunny." The room went silent. "Judging by this bulge in your pants, I'd say that's true, too. It's driving me crazy! I want to see it!" In a New York second, she had my waistband yanked down under my balls and my trouser snake free. Her jaw dropped. "Holy crap on a cracker! It's fucking huge!" She grabbed the shaft and began to stroke it.

Bernadette's massive mounds bounced when she launched out of her chair. "Penny, you're such a bitch!" she screeched and stomped off up the stairs.

Penny looked at my with a sly grin while she continued to stroke me. "I wonder what's got her in a tizzy."

I smiled back and shrugged my shoulders. "Not a clue."

Penny looked down at the muscle in her hand. "Word on the street is this big boy is delicious. Would you mind if I gave it a taste?" she cooed.

"Help yourself."

I felt her warm breath sweep across the tip of my rod when she leaned into my lap. My body shivered when her tongue swatted at my leaking eye twice then ran around the swollen head. She pulled the lever back and dove in. Her tongue licked the underside from ball sack to tip, then swooped back in to take my marbles in and roll them around inside her mouth.

I reached across her lean back. I grabbed the bottom of her shirt and pulled up. She took the hint. She lifted herself up, yanked the shirt over her head, and tossed it across the room. Her tan tits were fucking fantastic! Her 34C's were firm and round. Her pointed nipples could easily poke an eye out.

I smiled down at her after she dove back between my legs. "Mmmmmm, you've done this before."

She pulled back and grinned. "Maybe once or twice."

"Ha! I'm betting more than that. I heard you were a slut. Sounds like they were right."

Her eyes sparkled. "I've been called worse," she said, just before taking me into her hot mouth.

"(gasp) Oh fuck! Oh yeah! That's it, suck my cock, you little bitch."

Her head began to bounce aggressively. Her hand followed the path of her lips, stroking and sucking my pole at the same time. She slammed me against the back of her mouth like a sledgehammer. She gave a muffled squeal when I reached under and palmed a fleshy globe and tweaked an excited nipple.

Then, with the expertise of a sword swallower, "Oh! Motherfuck!" My head flew back into the old couch. Her nose buried itself into my crotch. Her throat grew thick when she swallowed me whole. Only a handful of women had ever been able to do it. Now I had two women under the same roof who had accomplished the sizeable task. I swiped her hair to the side so I could watch her work. "Oh yeah, you've sucked cock before," I hissed. I could feel her smile around my muscle while she slurped and gurgled.

Raj could hear Bernadette stomping up the stairs. "The fucking bitch! I'll show that fucking slut a thing or two!" she grumbled. Raj looked frightened when she stormed into the room. "C'mon, Raj! Let's go!"

He slightly recoiled as she marched towards his heart-covered boxer-briefed body. "Wha-wha, where? Where are we going?!" he asked nervously in his thick Indian accent.

She grabbed his hand and forcefully pulled him behind her. "Downstairs! Let's go!"

"D-d-downstairs?! Isn't Penny down there?"

"Exactly! Don't be a sissy! C'mon, let's go!"

I heard heavy footsteps coming down the stairs behind me, then a flash of bodies beside me. Bernadette slung Raj into the chair beside the couch, then turned to us. Penny noticed the commotion and, regretfully, pulled her face out of my lap.

"Oh, hey guys," Penny said nonchalantly. She focused on Raj. "Hey there, Raj. Aren't you supposed to be at the conference?"

"Oh, uh, hello there, Penny. Yeah, I, uh, you know, I, uh, missed my flight, so, uh..."

"Shut it, Raj!" Bernadette screeched. "Penny, you're such a fucking slut!"

Penny just stared back at her accuser with a crooked smile while she stroked my pole. "And?"

Bernadette's tiny hands balled into little fists of fury. Her face went red. "Ggggrrrrrrugh!" Her tits bounced when her negligee flew over her head and to the side.

Damn, she's got a tight little body! And those tits! Fuck!

I thought staring at her porcelain skin. She spun around to Raj. "Get naked so I can suck your dick! C'mon, let's go! We ain't got all day!"

"Yeah yeah, sure sure!" Raj said. He peeled off his boxers and tossed them to the quickly forming pile of clothes, revealing a healthy, thick wood post.

"Dayum, Raj! Nice cock there!" Penny observed.

I grinned down at Penny. "He says you've seen it before." Raj stopped breathing.

"What?!" Penny said shocked.

"It...it's true! Many times! You've...you've given me many blow jobs! You were always drunk...but many blow jobs!"

Penny thought about it. "Actually, that's entirely possible."

Raj looked at me. "See?! Total slut!"

"Enough already!" Bernadette screeched. "We all know Penny's a slut! Now let me give you a

real

blow job!"

"Yes, alrigh...ohmagawd!" Raj's fingers dug into the arm rests of the chair. Having serviced Raj and I already this morning, Bernadette was all warmed up. She swallowed Raj's thick mast on the first dive.

"Hey! What's all this shit about me being a slut?! Damn! I'm right here!" She looked back at me with a slutty grin. "Now, where were we? Oh, right. You were throat fucking me with your tasty cock. Let's get back to it, shall we?" She gurgled when my meat filled her throat again.

Raj's hands were on the back of Bernadette's head. "Ohmagawd, Bernadette, you're such a good cocksucker! Oh gawd! How...Howard's such a lucky guy!"

"Mmmmmhmmmm! Mmmmmhmmmm!" Bernadette hummed.

I gave Raj a crooked smile. "Bernadette sucks cock like a cheap hooker, doesn't she?"