Forewarning: This is the next to last chapter of the series. 13 chapters is a fitting number to wrap up a series about TV on, since 13 is the average number of episodes per season for a cable show and it is the initial order of episodes for a network show. Plus it helps that I already ran through my list of celebrity crushes, which made up the criteria for who got into this series. But there's still room for a lot of action left, as evidenced by this long, penultimate chapter.
Late April 2012
Thanks to a TMZ employee sneaking onto the "Glee" set while its defenses were down, there was photographic proof of my tryst with Lea Michele. Of course it was barely legal to post the photos and they were taken down quickly, but they were clear enough for the TMZ staff to identify my face, do some research and out me by name.
The attention mainly fell on Lea and "Glee" since they were the bigger targets, as I was just a small part by comparison. Yet since I was a part to begin with, it reflected badly on the temp agency; and just enough to get me fired. Despite over four years of being associated with them, I was too big of a pr risk for them to keep me on and for other shows to hire me now.
The only good part was that I was able to deny that I had done this with other actresses. I don't know if they believed me, and TMZ and other bloggers/tabloids were probably looking into my work on all those other shows. Yet they had nothing so far and I wasn't going to spill and let the other actresses get caught up in this. Besides, not all of them knew about my extensive history, and it was already awkward enough that those who didn't now knew about Lea.
Since my time on the "Glee" set was over and there was no way I could get away with going back there, I couldn't even contact Lea and try to help her. I don't know if she would have accepted regardless, yet I wished I would have had the chance to find out. But after this and after being fired, I doubted I would ever hear from another actress ever again.
With that, I stayed camped out in my house; which was easy for me since I rarely left the house for reasons other than work. At least I had my freelance work to focus on, although the site's owners were probably unhappy to be associated with me now too.
I would try to treat this like any other time in between temp jobs; ignoring the fact that none would come again and I kept getting calls from tabloids that I had to ignore. The calls were less frequent today than in the first two days, but they were still no less aggravating.
As such, when I heard another call while I was trying to relax in my living room recliner, I closed my eyes in frustration and let everything boil over for a bit. It fueled me to pick up the phone next to me, without looking at the Caller ID, and answer it by yelling "What?!"
"Whoh, I hope you save some of that for Perez Hilton." That wasn't a blogger or tabloid hound. In fact, I actually recognized this voice. "Tina?"
Tina Fey was actually on the phone, which left me scrambling for a number of reasons. "Oh, I'm sorry, I.....wait, how did you get my number? Did anyone see you getting my number?!"
"I looked it up on your resume, first of all. And don't worry, I played Sarah Palin and I associate freely with Alec Baldwin. Trust me, I know how to get around the tabloid-sphere," Tina pointed out. "Even if I didn't, I had to check up on you. Especially after you got fired."
I almost asked how she knew that too, but I figured my firing had made the tail end of the scandal sheets and blogs by now. I avoided all reporting on the matter, so I wouldn't know. "So you know about....stuff like that," I timidly said. Since Tina was one of the few who knew I made a habit of getting naked with actresses, I knew she wouldn't judge me for being with Lea, so that was a comfort.
But I didn't know if it was safe to talk about it with her, in case my time on "30 Rock" got scrutinized. If they knew I was with Tina on the night Sarah Palin lost, the Tea Party blogs would have a field day and then all hell would break loose for both of us. Nevertheless, I heard Tina say "I know how unfair it is, that's for sure. I'm pretty sure TV sets and temp agencies keep around worse things than you, even when they get in trouble. But I can get them in trouble by calling them and getting your job back."
"No, don't!" I blurted out. "You can't be seen helping me, or they'll....link us together too. You really can't afford to be caught up in stuff like that. Your job, your reputation....your marriage.....it could all get a blowback by being linked to me."
"I kind of already remembered that.....I kinda wish I didn't, though. It's not going to be the same without you around here getting lucky every November," Tina admitted. "Well.....maybe when this dies down, it might be safe to fight for you then."
"Maybe, but I'll be fine right now," I semi-lied. "It does help that you were thinking about me, though. It might not be the best move, but it is flattering....even though you really didn't have to."
"Like I said, I associate freely with Alec Baldwin, and Tracy Morgan too. So I'm getting good at helping friends through a pr crisis." My first thought was to be taken aback and flattered that Tina called me a friend. My next was to remember how I used that word with Lea before things came crashing down. "Hey, you can still come down and visit 30 Rock once TMZ forgets your name, okay?" Tina asked to interrupt my thoughts.
"Yeah....I'll keep that in mind. Thank you, Tina....you are a good friend in a pr crisis," I complimented. We exchanged about two-three more goodbyes and good lucks before hanging up, leaving me to sit back on my recliner and be freshly taken back at Tina's support. Maybe her pull would pay off once the scandal died down and the tabloid/blogosphere forgot about me; although TV sets and temp agencies have longer memories. But just having her think enough of me to call on me helped me take my first peaceful nap in a while.
The next thing I knew, I heard the phone ring again to snap me out of my nap. Once again I picked it up without looking to see who it was; only this time I had a groggy "Hello?" to say instead of an angry "What?!"
"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" It was another voice I recognized; in fact, it was the one that helped start it all. "I can call back if you're too tired or too worn out to talk," Jenna Fischer proposed.
"No, no, I'm fine, I'm refreshed....certainly enough for you," I stated. "Jesus, first Tina and now you checking up on me....that's kind of an ironic order, all things considering. I shouldn't say how over the phone, just in case."
"I know what you mean anyway," Jenna assured. "I wondered now and then how much bigger that.....order got after me and Tina. But it sucks that you're in trouble for doing that with someone else, so I won't ask about....anyone else."
If someone was listening in, this would probably be gold, so I tried to change directions. "Did anyone call the 'Office' bosses about me? To get dirt on me or something?" I inquired.
"I don't think so, and if they did, they didn't tell me," Jenna filled me in. "So you don't have to worry about....us being a part of this. Especially with all your worries.....I hope Tina offered to help you out with them. She has the pull to do it, you know."
"Of course I know, but it's not safe for her or any of my....connections to help me now. Or get caught talking to me. Plus you have the new husband and baby, and with you....heading up the order and all....there is no way in Hell I want you tied to this."
"That isn't talking me out of it as well as you think," Jenna needled. "But I already knew all that....wish I didn't, though. If I could, I would make my case to that agency and get you a new job....finally pay back that debt I owe you."
"No, no, I owe you much more....regardless of how that chain reaction you set up ended up," I hinted with my own lack of subtlety.
"Well, I hope you're back in a TV studio soon, so you can keep doing what I taught you. But I guess you don't always need a TV studio for that to pay off," Jenna joked. Since the vast majority of my sex for four years had been on TV studios, I might have argued that I did need it; but that wasn't an ideal argument for me. As such, I settled for a few more goodbyes and congratulations to Jenna before hanging up.
I wasn't going to go back to sleep after that, as I stayed awake longer over how Jenna reached out. To think, if I hadn't worked for Jenna at the exact time that I did, we likely wouldn't have hooked up and nothing that happened afterwards would have happened. That had its upside at a time like this, yet the downside of never getting close to the actresses, and never getting close to Jenna either, was still too strong.
Those memories got me through the next half-hour before I heard the phone ring again. This time I picked it up normally and checked the Caller ID; and I recognized the phone number. Since I wasn't angry or groggy, I answered with a more normal "Kaley?"
"Hey....so, what's up with you?" Kaley Cuoco asked lightly. She meant to reference my exposure as a joke, which might be a good strategy for a little while; at least better than the alternative. "Well, about the usual. Same old same old, except I'm hiding from paparazzi in my spare time."
"Well, I don't think they've tapped my phones yet, so I thought it'd be safe to check on you," Kaley responded. That prospect was a little harder to joke about, but I brushed it off. "If I'd known that's what would make you call, I'd have gotten nude photos taken of myself long ago," I tried to joke, although it could have been taken in a few serious ways.
"It's not like I needed them, though. You can't sit on the laps of photos and put your face on them." Now I really did wish they hadn't thought to tape anyone's phones yet. "It pisses me off that you're getting fired for that kind of stuff! It's not like anyone was complaining before, right?"
"I suppose not," I said carefully. "But you know the business and I'm just finding out about its backstabbing side, I guess."
"I do hope your back is okay, sweetie," Kaley hoped. "I wish I could come down there and help you."
"I kind of do, too. But if they don't know I was your actual personal assistant already, they would from that. Then they'd bug you most of all about whether I have a 'history.'"