Note from author- My crossover story featuring the sixties tv shows the Avengers (UK) and the Man from Uncle. I have incorporated the Girl from Uncle tv episode 'Mother Muffin Affair' for plot. Adult movie stars Chanel Preston as Emma Peel and Ryan Driller as Napoleon Solo.
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ACT 1- Oh, to be in England.
London, England. Hackney Wick to be more precise, late on a cold and misty evening and an old timer crept along the deserted street singing an old nursery rhyme. The shabby grey haired man tapped two spoons together as he begged for small change but he couldn't have chosen a quieter place to raise a penny.
As he paused to rest by a lamp post he was approached by a large and imposing bald man in a two piece suit who looked all around the street and saw there was nobody around. Then he stopped by the beggar and loomed over him in silence. The little man gulped as he perceived the six foot plus shaven man and noted his left ear had been torn from his head in some form of violence. A coin was flipped and the beggar looked down at a halfpenny piece by his tattered shoes and smiled with broken teeth.
"Ta guvnor, much obliged."
As the imposing man walked away without a word the beggar picked up the coin and his face changed and he became alert. He twisted a button on his shirt sleeve and spoke into it. It was in fact a two way communicator and he relayed his message.
"Fine kettle of fish here, the King on the halfpenny ain't got a right ear."
He lifted his head to the two storey brick building to his right as he spoke. It was a grubby, seedy and cheap hotel that had seen better days. In the darkened window was a tall man with black hair and hazel eyes.
"And the man who made the halfpenny drop?"
Napoleon Solo, top agent in Section One spoke into his fountain pen, which was in fact his pocket communicator.
"He didn't have a LEFT ear, just a hole for hearing."
"Received. Open Channel D, Denver."
Back across the Atlantic in Colorado Alexander Waverley answered immediately.
"Speak." Said the head of UNCLE, The United Network Command For Law Enforcement.
"Solo here, Section One, the coin drop has been made, over."
The head of Section One nodded in approval. Born and bred in England the distinguished gentleman took a keen interest in this latest operation.
"Very well, we may proceed to the next move."
"I'm afraid there may be a slight delay." A woman interrupted the overseas conversation.
Beside Solo stood Mrs. Emma Peel, an occasional special agent for the British Intelligence Service, normally teamed up with her mentor, John Steed. With exclusive knowledge of various evil doings in the country UNCLE hoped to utilise the information handed to them. The graceful five foot eight brunette with a slender figure and tight butt spoke in an educated Rodean accent which the New Yorker found charming. She was dressed in a chunky blue woollen sweater with roll neck and a short grey mini skirt with ankle boots.
"Explain." Said Waverley abruptly.
Mrs. Peel peered through a pair of military night vision binoculars as she spoke up.
"Well, we're in a trap. I'm afraid Mister Solo was followed from the airport by one Agnes Twicksbury, otherwise known as Mother Muffin, head of England's biggest assassination organisation."
"Good grief. Do they know agent Smith is with you?"
Solo looked out the second floor window and saw the fake beggar alone by the lamp post. Across the street from them was an old grey haired lady hunched over and holding a walking stick.
"Smith looks like he is in the clear. Mrs. Peel would you be so kind as to hand me the glasses."
He took the binoculars with the pinhole lens covers and surveyed the area then spoke into his fake pen again.
"I can see Mother Muffin and Babcock, her whipping boy by her side. Three other men in the street, another across from us in the second floor window. All armed. One in the entrance to the building opposite as well."
Mrs. Peel heard a footfall and in the skylight above their heads the two of them saw a shadow of a man with a rifle in his hands.
"There is one man on the rooftop." Solo continued.
Emma nudged his arm as they saw a shadow under the door to the tiny room they occupied.
"And right outside the door." Solo looked to the woman beside him.
"Do you have an escape plan Mister, er, Solo?" Waverley said concerned.
"Mrs. Peel, your sweater, is it woollen?"
"Why, yes it is. Pure lambswool." Emma wondered where this was going.
"Take it off."
"What!" Said the brunette.
"What!" Said Waverley on the overseas relay.
"Sorry, but I need a large spool of yarn if we are going to get out of here."
He nodded to the surprised woman who did not hesitate and began to unravel her sweater and wind the wool around her left hand.
"Not to make a big deal about it but I am not wearing a bra." She gave Solo a wry smile as he continued to look out the window.
"Necessity is the mother of invention." He said and turned back to her with sparkling eyes.
The chimes of a church bell sounded out the hour, ten o'clock.
Emma was about done and she handed a big ball of yarn to the superspy who did not take his gaze from the womans bared breasts. She was proud of her figure, honed by her love of martial arts, and she stood ramrod straight as her 32D boobs sat nicely on her slim torso. With a sweep of her left hand her long curtain of chestnut hair fell over her creamy shoulders, and her unwavering dark brown eyes met his.
At that moment the door knob rattled and Solo quickly moved to a position where he might disarm the intruder. He motioned to Emma to stand in the threshold, and both waited in silence as a hunched man in a black suit and flat cap crept into the unlit room. As he raised his head his eyes went wide as he stared at the bare breasted brunette. Emma smiled at the shocked man as Napoleon threw his necktie around his neck and shoved a light bulb into his gaping mouth.
"I strongly advise you not to speak. Ground glass is hard to digest."
Emma moved a chair under the man who began to black out from the throttling and watched the Uncle agent as he tied the blue yarn to the ceiling light. His fountain pen twittered as the impatient Waverley attempted to make contact again.
"Situation please, Mister, er, Solo."
"The same Sir. Apologies."
"Well listen carefully. When you finally pick up the halfpenny coin proceed at once to the Jolly Roger Amusement Arcade in Brighton. There you will drop the coin in the fortune teller machine in the penny arcade and retrieve the ticket from the machine which contains a coded message. That is all, and er, get a move on will you?"
Napoleon exhaled loudly and looked at the patient Emma who picked up his jacket and flung it around her bare shoulders. She watched as he tied the end of the yarn to the ceiling light and secured his five inch knife to the other end. He moved to the window, opened it and trailed the knife down along the outside wall until it hovered a few feet above the sidewalk, then he nodded to Emma.
The elegant spy took a deep breath and started to yell very loud.
"Keep your hands off me, what kind of a girl do you think I am! I'm a lady and I need to be treated like one, you dirty old pervert!"
Solo grinned as the woman zipped up the jacket and left the room still yelling.
Across the street the commotion was clearly heard by Mother Muffin who gave the order to advance to her men. The first three men, all clad in black suits and flat caps entered the hotel lobby. Emma continued her screaming in their faces.
"Drunk as a Lord he is, and telling me dirty things like he is my Uncle!"
The three all looked at each other and raced up the stairs as Emma went outside into the street. As they burst into the dark room Napoleon slipped out unnoticed and shut the door on the three armed men who scoured the room. At the top of the stairs Solo gave a loud whistle and Emma reached above her head and tugged on the suspended knife. Attached to the electric light fitting the room was filled with bright light and downstairs Babcock yelled into his communicator for all units to open fire. An extreme loud barrage of machine gun fire commenced and all four men in the room were extinguished along with the man on the roof.
Napoleon joined Emma in the street and saw Uncle agent Smith in the shadows. Without a word he handed over the coin and fled the scene. Solo flipped his pen.
"Open Channel D, Denver."
"Waverley here, continue."
"Situation normal here Sir."
"About time, now pay attention. Thanks to British Intelligence we have a high ranking operative of Mother Muffins organisation in our hands. He has told us the coded message in Brighton has the names of all their agents in England. We need that information Mister Solo, so proceed with Mrs. Peel to Brighton."
"At once Mister Waverley."
Emma tugged on the sleeve of Napoleon urgently and pointed to a lorry that turned into the tiny alley they stood in. With nowhere to turn the two spies were bundled against an unyielding garage door. As they looked at the driver they saw none other than Mother Muffin herself!
