The days at the Plantation grew shorter and the temperature began to drop. We had harvested crops, canned food, mulched the gardens, prepared seed for the spring planting, and brought in more fuel and firewood for the winter. I stood beside Maggie in the kitchen, laboring away over the stove as we cooked for the fifty or so residence who we had come to know as family. Maggie's belly was beginning to swell. She was nearly four months pregnant by her calculations and her bump was just beginning to show which caused me no end of jealousy. Daryl wanted a baby and I wanted to give him one.
When we had arrived at the Plantation in the end of July, I missed my period and found out I was pregnant. Two weeks later, I bled. Chuck, the Plantation doctor, told me it was fairly common for a first time pregnancy to miscarry especially when I had been under so much stress when I'd conceived. Still, I was heartbroken. I had already lost so much in this life. Losing my baby brought me down and then Maggie and Glen told us they were expecting. I was happy for them but also bitter. Why could Maggie's body sustain her pregnancy while mine could not? I was angry and withdrawn from everyone and it made my relationships suffer, even my relationship with Daryl.
Maggie could see the change in me but for some reason she seemed to stick around me, like I needed to be protected. That was how we came to be cooking in the kitchen together. No one else wanted to deal with my broody silence.
"Kate?" Maggie asked as she kneaded dough for our bread.
"Yeah?" I replied, stirring beans in a kettle.
"It's been months since you lost your baby. Have you thought about trying again?" She asked tentatively.
I stirred my beans quietly for a while. Usually when someone tried to question me about the miscarriage I refused to answer but no matter how rude or quiet or angry I had been with Maggie, she had stayed by my side, taking my abuse. I turned to face her, eyeing her critically. Seeing her compassion in her eyes loosened some of the anger in me, allowing me to be a little more vulnerable. I looked at the floor.
"I don't want it to happen again." I said quietly as tears began to well up in my eyes. "What if I can't carry a baby and I miscarry over and over again? What if I can never give Daryl a child?"
Maggie ceased her kneading and came and wrapped me up in a hug. I let her comfort me and for the first time since miscarrying I felt a sliver of peace.
"Well you'll never know if you never try." She said releasing me. "This place has done wonders for both you and Daryl. You're rested and eatin' well. You're not so stressed anymore. Maybe your body is ready now. Maybe you should try again." She rubbed a hand over her belly. "My little one could sure use another kid to grow up with."
"I don't want to disappoint Daryl." I said, unsure. "I don't want to get his hopes up just to never be able to give him a baby."
"Honey, that man loves you and not bein' able to have a baby ain't gonna change that. There are orphans here. If you guys can't have one of your own you can give one of them your name."
"I'm scared Maggie." I said.
"I know." She replied. "And I know that you're a strong woman. You'll give him a baby someday, you'll see. You have to try though. You can't have a baby if you're not trying." She gave my arm a squeeze and went back to kneading her dough. I stirred my beans in the pot and turned her words over in my mind.
That night, I excused myself from dinner early. Daryl didn't even blink. It had become a common occurrence. He would come to bed and usually I would pretend to be asleep. Tonight would be different. I lit a fire in our fireplace. It had an insert in the chimney to reflect more of the heat into the room and help keep it warm. Then I laid out a blanket and pillows on the ground in front of it as well as a bunch of candles which I lit. I removed all of my clothes and curled up in all of the pillows, waiting for him to come to bed.
I must have dozed off because I felt fingers tracing the smooth skin of the back of my shoulder. I stirred and turned to see Daryl lying next to me. He must have come in and undressed while I slept.
"I didn't mean to wake you up." He said quietly, his eyes taking their fill of my body. I knew he wanted to let his hands do the same but he was uncertain. I had denied him sex for most of the past four months.
"I'm glad you did." I smiled. I took the hand he had settled on my waist and I guided it up to my breast. He cupped it tenderly in his hand, gently drawing his thumb over my hard nipple. I put a hand to his face and his eyes shifted to mine.