"You cockhead!" yelled Loosey, "You really thought you were going to get the footjob?"
Charlie Blown lay on his back, holding his injured genitals.
"Good queef!" Charlie Blown said.
"And cut!"
#
David, the director, called a cut to the scene.
"Great work. Let's set up for the next scene," David said.
David was directing
Welcome to College, Charlie Blown
, an adult parody of the
Peanuts
comic strip. Next to him was Annette, the writer, and Patty Peppers, the cowriter and one of the stars.
Patty was dressed as Peppermint Flatty. While technically not flat, Patty Peppers had built her stage name and persona on her tomboyish aesthetic. She herself was athletic, and had smaller breasts. Despite the name and persona, she had not done a porn parody of her character before, as she was very protective of the image.
"Awesome," Patty said, "This is coming out better than I thought."
"That's what he said," Annette said, grabbing a prop dildo and mimicking a facial.
"You sure you don't want to act in this?" Gwen Morgan, playing Loosey, asked, "You are the cowriter, you can write yourself into it."
"No. Trust me, my small roles are causing enough issues with my career," Annette said.
"You mean the comedy writing opportunities and podcast appearances?" Patty said.
"It's helped, but there's a fine line between being the funny chick and being actually seen as an adult performer. I can't bring you all into the mainstream by wading in too deep," Annette said.
"You ever want to go all in with a lesbian scene, let me know," Patty said.
"Now, why is it you only ever offer that to the straight bitches, and never the real bisexuals and lesbians?" said Cherry Red, coming onto set as the Slutty Red Haired Gal.
"Because I have a reputation to upkeep, and a mission."
"Yeah, yeah. Your idea that Peppermint Patty wasn't actually a lesbian and the erasure of her crush on Charlie Brown and struggles with not conforming to gender roles is actually reductive and harmful to tomboys," Cherry said, "You could have just gone to college and written a thesis."
"Then no one would read it," Patty said.
#
The release of Gwen Morgan's humorous porn video
Cyrano de BergeSnatch
had raised her profile, and prompted an increased interest in funny porn videos. Many people had contacted her, wanting to work with her and Annette on whatever funny porn they could come up with.
Patty has been among them, but had caught Gwen and Annette's attention with her ideas for the porn parody.
"The fact is, there's not much porn for the straight tomboy," Patty told them, "And yeah, I do some lesbian stuff to pay the bills, and I don't mind it, but I want to make a real statement for tomboys who love boys."
Her passion for the subject had won over Gwen and Annette, who brought in David. Together the four of them had worked out a script and gone through the list of interested adult actors. Like the TV specials they were parodying, the story would be a series of humorous shorts, with a general through line of the adult version of the characters going through situations that never quite turned out as they hoped, but came together in the end.
#
"Action."
Peppermint Flatty and her friend Mercy were talking. Mercy, played by Aneko San, wore big glasses and BDSM gear.
"Why don't you tell Charles that you like him, sir?" Mercy asked.
"You can't just tell a guy like that! He'll really think I'm gay then!"
Mercy delivered a perfect quizzical look.
"And don't call me sir!" Flatty said.
"Sorry. I really wish you were flexible, Flatty, or at least willing to make me so," Mercy said.
"I can't just switch like you can, Mercy. I just wish I had what the Slutty Red Hair Girl has that drives Chuck so crazy!"
"Ironically she's mostly into girls, sir," Mercy said.
"How do you know?"
"Let's just say, she's been more than willing to call out Mercy with me," Mercy said, slapping her hand with a riding crop.
"You said she's mostly into girls? When is she into dudes?"
"She's been willing to play the unicorn, sir, if the chick is right. She likes her women strong, less feminine, able to project a sense of power," Mercy said.
"Like... a tomboy?"
"Yes. But you would need to be into girls, and willing to let her call you sir," Mercy said.
"AAAAUUUUGGHHH!" Flatty said, "I was a D-minus student in school, and now I am minus the D in college!"
Flatty pouted for a moment.
"Fine. Could you help arrange something then?" Flatty asked.
"I could, but you might have to beat it out of me," Mercy said.
Mercy handed Flatty the riding crop and bent over. Flatty sighed and gave Mercy a firm whack with it.
"Thank you, Sir, may I have another!" Mercy said.
#
Flatty nervously approached the door of Chuck's dorm. Mercy, at her side, touched her back.
"You got this, sir," Mercy said.
"I don't know, Mercy. Am I pretty enough? Am I just here for the Slutty Red Hair Girl's sake? And don't call me sir."
"However you go in, you have the power to come out the way you want. Show Charles a good time," Mercy said.
Flatty went to knock on the door, but chickened out. Mercy knocked.
"Mercy!" Flatty said.
Mercy gave Flatty a quick kiss.
"Knock him dead, Sir!" Mercy said, before running down the hallway.
