Pacing continuously back and forth in her strange house Eleanor Shellstrop was freaking out:
Something was very wrong with the Good Place.
Prior to dying Eleanor was not a good person. She insulted people, betrayed her friends and sold bogus medication. So when she ended up in the 'Good Place' Eleanor knew something was up. Something beyond her control just wasn't right; like she was a rat trapped in a maze. Bizarre scenarios, constant philosophical conundrums and seemingly endless supplies of frozen yoghurt.
So when Michael had come to her with yet another problem Eleanor was hardly surprised. Upon re-assessing the algorithm that had put her and her partner Chidi together, the architect of the Good Place had inexplicably discovered they were not destined to be soulmates after all. As a result the one person who had actually been helping Eleanor to navigate through her maze was moving out and someone else was moving in:
Hearing a telltale knock on her front door Eleanor frowned, twisting to face the entrance. Swallowing hard the cute blonde plastered a fake smile on her face. Time to face destiny:
Door bursting open a very familiar beauty beamed back at her, the Pakistani woman poising elegantly against the wooden frame:
"Oh fork..."
Tahani Al-Jamil was her soulmate.
"Eleanor darling! Are you as pleased as I am? Turns out our souls are intwined! Shocking I know but anything is better than that ghastly monk Jianyu."
Sauntering into the colourful room Tahani approached the shocked blonde. Leaning down the tan goddess planted a peck on Eleanor's cheek:
"Heyyy... hot stuff!" Eleanor replied weakly:
"So you and I are bonded for all eternity?!"
"I am sure you are as surprised as I was!" Tahani exclaimed, her trademark preppy enthusiasm flickering momentarily before the Black haired beauty doubled down:
"Especially given how different we are in status... but Michael assures me that this time he is 100% correct," speaking rapidly, Tahani's voice rose a full octave:
"Algorithms do not lie!"
Looking disdainfully around Eleanor's bizarre clown-themed decor Tahani frowned:
"And while I will admit the downgrade in my accommodation is a little... disheartening, I am sure we can, Uh-adjust to our new lesbian lifestyle! After all, I am a stickler for the rules."
Ignoring the beautiful woman Eleanor considered her fate. Of all the people in all creation why was her partner Tahani Al Jamil? The woman was already an insufferable neighbour! And now by some insane twist of fate, her eternal soulmate??
Eleanor suppressed a scowl, mind still reeling. Tahani always wanted everybody to think she was such a 'perfect princess'. Just because she was tall and glamorous and had cappuccino skin and curves for days. Wait... was she actually into this??
Racking her brain Eleanor grasped the back of her head in exasperation, turning away from her apparent destiny, desperate to remember what she had done in her life to earn this latest torture. Why was heaven so torturous!?
And suddenly it hit her:
"Holy Motherforkin' shirtballs!"
Blue eyes going wide, she twisted to face her 'soulmate':
"This is the bad place!"
"I'm sorry??" Tahani responded politely, thrown off by Eleanor's sudden outburst.
"This is the bad place!!" Eleanor repeated again, rushing up to her unlikely new counterpart and grasping her wrists:
"What else could explain you and I being together forever??"
Suddenly everything made sense; the tests, the torturous environment, all these annoying people, even the frozen yoghurt! After all nothing could be worse than a relationship with this preening queen bee!
"D-Don't be riddiculous!" Tahani exclaimed, glowering at her neighbour as she put on a brave face:
"I know this all seems a little bit unorthodox but love arises in the strangest places! And and... do you like my new dress??"
Twirling on the spot the beautiful Pakistani deflected from this latest revelation by showing-off her buoyant new attire, the dress somehow colourful and utterly sexy at the same time, high heels and perfect make-up only emphasizing Tahani's ludicrously perfect features. In spite of herself, Eleanor could not help but wonder what she was like underneath:
"Okay, I'll admit you are smoking hot," the blonde shook her head, attempting to suppress her vivid imagination: "but there is no Good Place where we are together!"
Staring incredulously back at the shorter woman, for several seconds Tahani maintained her confident facade before finally crumbling:
"Ohh thank god."
Disarmed by her sudden change of heart Eleanor watched as Tahani deflated, her sunny demeanour replaced with genuine relief:
"Wait so you agree??"
"Absolutely," Tahani nodded solemnly, "Obviously we could never work together!"
"Great!" Surprised she had changed the socialite's mind so suddenly, Eleanor clapped her hands, rushing toward the exit, "then I'll just go confront Michael and sort this whole thing out- Waaaait a minute."
Pausing in the open doorway the selfish grifter spun on the spot:
"Remind me again why this obviously couldn't work?"
Big brown eyes blinking back at her friend Tahani smiled condescendingly:
"Well I mean as if I Tahani Al Jamil; model, museum curator, It girl and muse to Baz Lurhman could ever be with you?! I mean, Tahani Al Jamil literally means 'congratulations beautiful'."
Laughing delicately the sophisticated British socialite perched on the back of the nearest sofa, oblivious to her soulmate's souring demeanour:
"What are you saying??"
"I meant no offence of course! You are such a cutie pants Eleanor! But well, a woman of my status could never live in this horrible little house with some common, pear-shaped American girl!"
"Oh please," Eleanor replied defensively: "You wish you could get a bite of this pear y-you hot, rich fraud with legs for days!"
"Like I said," Tahani responded innocently: "No offence... Its just it would be such a scandal, you know?? Even in the Good Place."
Turning back to the door Eleanor muttered under her breath, making her best attempt at a swearword in this PC Paradise:
"Mother forkin' bench..."
Fuming Eleanor considered her options. Tahani thought she was better than her?? She had literally just dropped the bombshell that they were not in heaven but in hell and Tahani was just relieved they weren't an item?!?
Making up her mind the blonde slowly closed the door: Well if Tahani was here because she was so good, Eleanor would show the condescending heiress why she was so bad.
"Darling??" Tahani asked quizzically, unsure why her faux soulmate had not left already.
Forcing a smile, Eleanor turned back to the statuesque brunette:
"You know what? Maybe we should give this a try."
Surprised yet again the entitled socialite momentarily forgot her vocabulary:
"I'm sorry??"
Stepping menacingly toward her Tahani shrunk away from the determined blonde, not stopping until her plump behind was pressed against the ledge between Eleanor's living space and the elevated bedroom.
"That's right! You and me, let's do it!"
"Whatever do you mean??" Tahani asked nervously: "I-I thought we had both gathered there was no... spark here?"
"But we've both only gotten to know each other as friends over last few months," Eleanor implied, suggestive eyes hooding over: "So maybe we should try taking our relationship to the next level then see how we feel??"
"You mean to say..." Tahani swallowed hard, raising a hand to her chest uncomfortably: "Shagging??"
"Well I meant sex but if a British colloquialism does it for ya: I'm goin' up the apples and pears to bugger yuh bum!"
Blushing Tahani looked the shorter woman up and down, tight blue t-shirt and jeans immediately confusing the bigoted beauty. How could a woman so attractive wear such workman-like attire?? Then again perhaps she should have realised bisexuality was an option for Eleanor given her manly choice in wardrobe...
"That is Uhhhh very sweet Eleanor b-but I promised myself to my good friend Taylor Swift-"
"-Well she's definitely in the bad place," Eleanor replied smugly, cutting the pompous Princess off: "And if this is truly the bad place us being 'together' will be horrible! But if it's the good place..."
Pressing against the busty Pakistani goddess Eleanor slid her palms over her tight dress, tracing the wide curve of the brunette's wide hips. Slipping a knee between Tahani's impossibly long legs, she brushed upward against her tan inner thighs.
"Mmmphg!!"
Finally pressing their lips together Eleanor kissed Tahani, enjoying the taste of the woman's plump cappuccino skin. Feeling that hot mouth pout against her lips, soon Tahani's soft purse relaxed into her own. The blonde smiled into the kiss. Just as she had suspected:
Eleanor had listened to Tahani endlessly complain about her sister and was pretty sure the other woman had some deeply repressed feelings about women, making the brunette perfect to manipulate. Of course Eleanor intended to go a lot further than kissing, that was just high school stuff!
Pulling away Eleanor grinned at the dazed socialite:
"How about you kiss me back gorgeous?"
"What?" Tahani whispered, unsure if there was one of Eleanor's little japes or if the blonde was actually serious.
"Kiss me." Eleanor commanded again, her voice becoming more serious.